Gwen
We were lined up alphabetically which meant I was more than three-quarters away from the front, but that was fine. I liked sitting toward the back where I could see so many of my classmates. I knew this might be the last time I’d ever see some of them. The idea made me sad, but it also meant I was off to a new beginning—one I couldn’t wait to start.
As my eyes drifted over the graduates and into the bleachers, I couldn’t help but notice someone staring straight at me. He was sitting almost directly next to my row, so I could see him well. At first, I was embarrassed to have caught him staring and looked away. I looked back three more times from the corner of my eye and his eyes were still fixated on me.
“Patsy, is there something wrong with me?” I whispered to the girl to my right.
“Wrong?”
“There’s a guy over there, staring at me. Is something torn, unzipped or about to fall off me?”
She looked me over and frowned. “Not that I can see.”
I was uncomfortable. “Look over my shoulder, into the bleachers, about the third row up. Do you see a guy staring at me?”
She slowly swiveled her head, so she wouldn’t be obvious and looked straight ahead again before nodding. “Yes.”
“What’s the matter with him?”
She shrugged and rolled her eyes. “Wish he was staring at me. That’s Paul Romano. He graduated last year. He is so hot. Girls threw themselves at him; in fact, I heard one girl swallowed a bottle of aspirin to get his attention.”
I stared at her, my mouth opened. “Was she okay?”
Patsy shrugged again. “I guess so. It was almost the end of the year; senior prom and I think she thought he was going to ask her and then didn’t. I didn’t hear she died, and I almost always hear who dies because my older sister does the hair of the dead people at Trinkle’s Funeral Home.”
I shuddered and felt sorry for the girl. I couldn’t imagine ever trying to take my life over a guy. Then I felt a little sorry for myself. I’d never been in love with anyone enough to do something like that. I wondered what that kind of adoration would feel like.
“Here we go,” Patsy said as she elbowed me. It was time for our row to stand and file into the center aisle. I saw my parents sitting in the stands near the front and smiled. Mom waved frantically, and Dad nodded in that understated, authoritative way that bankers all behaved.
Principal Darren handed me my diploma and shook my hand. He passed me on to the superintendent whose name I couldn’t remember and then I was following Patsy off the podium and alongside the seating to our row. I sneaked a quick peek and that Paul guy was grinning broadly, flashing me a thumbs-up. What was the matter with him? I didn’t even know him.
Then it was over, we tossed our caps into the air and hugged one another. I knew Mom and Dad had a huge party planned with all the relatives willing to make the drive, so I posed for pictures and then hurried off to my locker for the last time. I twisted the combination and reached for my purse when a shadow loomed next to me.
“You did a great job,” said a man’s voice and it startled me. I looked up to see Paul Romano, a white grin on a tanned face that included a square jaw and sparkling brown eyes. I had to admit he was nice-looking.
“Do I know you?” I asked pensively.
“You will. Paul Romano is the name. I’ve just been waiting for you to graduate.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re going to dinner with me this Saturday and I don’t date kids still in school.”
“I think you forgot something,” I shot back at him.
“What’s that?”
“I haven’t been asked and haven’t agreed to go. I’m not sure I like the way you’re acting, to tell you the truth.”
“How am I acting?”
“You’re going way too fast. Look, I need to get going. My parents are waiting. There’s a party at the house.”
“Good.”
I looked at him, questioning.
“I’m your date.”
“No, you’re not. I don’t know you and this is my party. Now, if you’ll excuse me…”
“I’ll walk you out.”
There were people around and it seemed faster to just ignore him than stand and argue. Families of my friends were grabbing me along the way, hugging me and some pressed an envelope into my hand. I hadn’t counted on that, but it was welcomed because I had a trip planned and every cent would come in handy.
I finally got as far as my car. Mom and Dad pulled up next to me and Mom’s window rolled down. “We’ll see you at home,” she said. “Have we met your friend?” she asked. Mom was always very socially polite.
“He’s not… no, you haven’t. Mom, Dad, this is Paul Romano; Paul, my parents.”
“Nice to meet you, Paul,” Mom said politely. “Have Gwennie bring you to the party,” she added as her window went up and Dad impatiently tapped his horn at a crowd that had gathered in front of their car.
“Well, well,” Paul said to me, that disarming grin having an effect. “Looks like I’m invited after all.”
“Look, I don’t know what you want from me, but this is a special night and I really don’t know you. It’s an open house, so you can come if you want, but you’ll have to drive yourself and I’ll be tied up with all the guests. 711 Orchard Street, gray house on the corner.” I got into my car.
“I know,” he said as he closed my door, in a way that sort of spooked me but I decided to ignore him and get home. I looked in my rearview for the briefest of seconds to see him headed toward a truck. I wasn’t sure how to feel about him, but it didn’t matter, because I was leaving Brookfield behind as soon as I got enough money for my fare and a couple months’ living expenses in Chicago. I had it in my head to become a model and I sure couldn’t get there from Brookfield.
Paul pulled into my drive right behind me and before I could get out he was there, offering his arm and helping me carry the dress bag with my commencement robe and shoes. “Ah, thanks,” I said awkwardly as we walked up to the house. I couldn’t say he was exactly stalking me, but there was something a little odd about him. I felt like I was…well…prey.
My mother met me as I emerged from the house into the yard. “I’m glad you’re here, we were starting to worry.”
“Where did all these people come from?”
“They’re your guests, dear.”
“But, so many. It makes me feel like some kind of movie star.”
“Well, stay grounded and keep an eye on those envelopes. There’s money in them,” she said, pointing to my handful with what was her normal level of worried suspicion. There were more money envelopes and as the night went on, I could feel Chicago coming closer and closer. Mom had ordered a champagne fountain and even though I wasn’t legally allowed to drink yet, it was my party and Dad gave me the permission nod.
“Woah!” I moaned, dizzy. It went straight to my head. It felt like my heels were corkscrews and I couldn’t seem to put one foot in front of the other. Paul was continually at my side, letting me lean against him when the room spun and holding his arm at the back of my waist to steady me. I kept drinking and every time I looked at him, he got better looking and I minded a little less that he was glued to my side.
The music started, and the lights went momentarily black before the colored disco ball Mom had insisted on lit up and shattered beams of light over everyone on the temporary dance floor. I thought I was doing well, but people seemed to keep running into me. Paul kept me supplied with champagne and when a slow song came up, he pulled me against him, hard. I could feel his privates were rigid and probing into me. For some reason, it didn’t bother me one bit.
I knew it was late because there were fewer and fewer dancers and the dew was heavy on Dad’s carefully manicured lawn. The caterers were beginning to package the remaining food into covered tins and finally, the fountain was disassembled and then it was completely gone. Mom and Dad had gone inside, and I could hear Mom giggling through their partially opened bedroom window. I tried not to listen, not to mentally picture them and Paul made it easier.
“Hey you, c’mere,” Paul invited. He drew me into a shadow next to Mom’s climbing clematis and lifted my chin, kissing me tenderly at first, and then the pressure increased, and I felt his tongue pushing my lips open as they explored my teeth and tongue. I jerked back, but he pulled me against him again. He was hard, and my nipples responded, jutting outward and becoming highly sensitive. Before I knew it, he had three fingers down the front of my sundress and was massaging my nipple. It felt wonderful and I couldn’t help but lean in closer. I wanted more of the same. I heard him chuckle.
Paul gave me another deep kiss before saying, “That’s enough for you tonight, missy. I’m going to take my time with you,” he added and broke off, gave me a wink and disappeared around the house. I heard his truck start and then he was gone.
I picked up my shoes from the grass where I’d left them and let myself in the back door. I felt like humming as I went up the staircase to my room, but that would wake Mom and Dad and I didn’t want to hear any more of that.
* * *
Paul became my shadow that summer. He texted me good morning and sent red kisses at bedtime. It was hard not to be flattered. Those brown eyes always regarded me with mocking humor and I found myself saying things just to make him laugh. He took me to the carnival that came to town and I pretended to be scared in the Ferris wheel so he would bury my face in his chest. I memorized his scent and gave him my full attention.
We went everywhere and each night when he brought me home, he made sure it was after dark, so we could sit in the car in privacy, kissing and touching. I loved his touch and wanted more. He was breaking down the wall I’d built so carefully around myself.
“I think I’m falling in love,” I told Patsy who had stopped by one afternoon after she got off work at the library.
“Be careful. He’s got a trail of broken hearts,” she’d warned me.
I didn’t want to say, “I’m different,” but that’s what was going through my head at the time. I felt invincible. Mom and Dad liked him, and he had a standing invitation to dinner. Dad loved to show off his barbecue skills and Paul carefully admired them aloud, forever endearing him to my parents. I saw them exchange winks and felt my dream move to Chicago slipping from my hands.
* * *
Paul was over, and Dad had outdone himself with barbecued chicken. Paul had been drinking a few beers and the mood was jovial. After dinner, the mosquitos came for their share and Mom and Dad went inside, leaving Paul and I in the canopied swing.
“Let’s get out of here, shall we? Let’s take my truck down to the lake and go swimming. I’ve got the camper on it—we can make a little fire, roast some marshmallows, and I’ve got beer.”
“Beer?”
“Hey, you’re an adult now. Your folks even went to bed and by the sounds of it, they could care less where you are, huh?”
He made a very good point and I didn’t want to lie on my bed on this warm evening and listen to my mother’s giggles. A swim in the lake sounded wonderful.
“Let me get my suit.” I pulled away and started toward the door.
“Hey! No, no, you don’t need that. We’ll go in our birthday suits.”
I must have stiffened because I saw caution cross his face. “It’s dark there, Gwen. No one will see us, and it will be our little secret.”
I gave it one haphazard thought and nodded. “Okay, but just this once.”
He didn’t give me a chance to change my mind. He leaned down and kissed me again, fondled my nipple once more and tugged me toward his truck. He was right; there was a house on its back. How curious.
It turned out the lake he had in mind was about five miles outside of town. It was a so-so fishing lake and small enough that they didn’t allow outboards—strictly an oar lake. He grabbed a blanket from the camper and we found a place beyond the bushes where there were no errant fishhooks embedded in the narrow sandy rim.
Paul handed me a cigarette and I shrugged. Why not? This can be my wild night before I take on life, I thought and took a puff, choking on the smoke. If that was what smoking was all about, they could keep it. My throat was on fire and I grabbed the beer from his hand and took three deep gulps before it burned my throat, amplifying the cigarette.
“You like it?” he asked.
“Not really, but hey, I need to try everything once, right?”
“That’s my girl,” he said, and his teeth gleamed in the moonlight. I loved it when he called me his girl.
“Woah, that thing made me dizzy,” I complained mildly as the world began spinning.
“Just float with it,” he told me, watching my eyes.
“Float?”
“Haven’t you ever smoked pot?”
I froze. “Oh, God, no. Was that…?”
He was nodding and smiling, and his summer-tanned face made his teeth brighter than before.
“You ready to go swimming?”
I felt like I wanted to lie down. My tummy was turning over, I felt hot and dizzy enough to corkscrew into the damp ground. “I guess—that’s why we came, right?”
“That’s right, darlin’. Come here and let me help you.”
I nodded. I wanted help. Paul began by tugging the pink sundress over my head. This freed my breasts. The spaghetti straps wouldn’t hide a bra. He stood back, and I heard a low whistle.
“What? What’s wrong?”
“Not a thing, darlin’. Not a single thing. God, you’re gorgeous!”
“Oh.” I was feeling awkward and more than a little hazardous. “Well, let’s get into the water.”
He caught my arm as I tried to pass by him. “Not so fast. There’s more,” he said and knelt before me.
I felt his fingers inside my panty waist and then there was cool air as he lowered them to the ground. I heard him draw in his breath. I was feeling confused. This wasn’t me. I don’t do these things. I can’t think straight. I could feel a panic building inside me.
“Hey, I changed my mind. I don’t want to swim.”
“Oh, that’s okay. You don’t have to. What’s wrong, darlin’?”
Oh! There was the other endearment he used with me and it made me melt every time. I looked down at my nakedness with a sort of odd detachment. That can’t be me, I told myself. “I’m not feeling very good. Hand me my dress, would you? I’m feeling cold and sort of sick.”
I watched with swimming eyes as Paul picked up my dress and then stood, scooping me into his arms as he rose.
“Hey!”
“Shhh… I’m just taking you into the camper. You can lie down until you feel better. You don’t have to go swimming. Just take a little nap until you’re more yourself, huh?”
It sounded so good, but something was still troubling me. I felt like someone else. I nodded and felt the warmth as he opened the camper door and carried me inside. He settled me onto a bunk that was quite comfortable. “I think I’m going to be sick.”
“Oops, let me get you a pot or something, but I think you’ll be just fine. Just lie there and close your eyes.”
I did as he told me and didn’t complain when he laid a cool cloth over my eyes.
“Shhh… now then, I’m going to lie here next to you and just stroke your arm. You’ll feel more comfortable, I promise.”
I felt the weight of his body on the mattress next to me. He was warm. It was nice. His finger began stroking my arm and it sent goosebumps down the length of me. Then the fingers moved to stroke my nipples, one at a time. I shivered with delight. I felt my legs being parted and then he was on top of me.
“No!” screamed something sensible that was overcoming the beer and pot. I knew it was wrong. “No, get off me!” I pushed at him.
“Oh, c’mon darlin’. You’re my girl, aren’t you? You want some stranger to be your first? Anyway, you know I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”
“Paul, I don’t want to get pregnant. I’m not on the pill or anything.” The beer and pot were having their way with me. I wanted to feel him, but my little girl resistance was screaming at me to stop.
“Don’t worry. It will feel good and I promise, I’ll be safe.” I felt him pull back a little and heard a snap. “See? I put on a condom. No risk and nothing to this. You’ll love it. Just relax and lie there. Shhh…”
There was pain, sharp and sudden as he entered me. I tried to push him off and roll away, but his weight was over me like a cement shroud. He began pumping and it pressed into my tummy. I turned my head to one side and vomited. The sour smell didn’t seem to bother him. If anything, he sped up and then with a groan, stiffened and arched backward. I took advantage of that pause to shove hard and he fell onto the floor, and likely into the vomit. Grabbing my dress, I pushed past him and blindly felt for the door. It finally fell open.
I drew in great gasps of the fresh air. “Take me home!” I screamed as I pulled my sundress over my head.
“What the hell?” he stumbled out of the camper, pulling on his pants. “Stop screaming!”
“Take-me-home!” I screamed again.
“Okay, okay, get into the truck.”
I went around to the passenger side, opened the door and climbed up into the cab, huddling against the door with my eyes closed. “Just drive me home, quickly,” I whispered fiercely through gritted teeth.
“What’s the matter, darlin’? Didn’t it feel good?”
“No, it hurt.”
He chuckled a little. “It’s always like that your first time, but believe me, it gets better and better. It won’t be long before you’ll be pulling at me.”
I considered his words and the realization of what I’d just done sent thuds of horror into my stomach. Paul drove me home and as soon as he turned into the drive, I bolted from the passenger door and ran to the house, leaving Paul sitting in the driveway. Mom and Dad’s window was dark, and the door locked. They evidently thought I was in bed. I dragged the ladder from the side of the shed and climbed up to my own window. I’d left it open to allow cool air and although it took kicking in the screen, I managed to get inside. I was lucky enough to have my own bath. I turned on the hot water and sat in a huddle on the shower floor, letting the water pour over me. I didn’t want to remember anything. All I wanted was sleep.
* * *
Paul called that next day, but I wouldn’t take the call. I needed time to think. I wanted to move to Chicago, to begin a new life, maybe even do some modeling. It had been my dream. Now I was heavily into Paul and I knew the previous night would be the first of many nights if I let it. It would be too easy to give up my dream and maybe even marry Paul and stay in Brookfield. I wasn’t ready to give up so quickly, though. I texted him. “Give me some space—I have to think.”
“Don’t take too long,” he texted back.
That wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I guess I wanted understanding, or maybe even a commitment. Patsy’s words about the trail of broken hearts came back to me. I made up my mind to keep my distance for the time being, so I avoided his calls.
Six weeks later I left the doctor’s office, shaking like a leaf. I tapped Paul’s number in my phone’s missed calls. I’d never opened one.
“Hello?” His voice was a little different than before.
“Paul, it’s Gwen. I’m pregnant.”
There was a long pause. “No, shit?”
“You told me you used a condom.”
Silence again.
“Did you?”
“Don’t remember but doesn’t matter if I did. It obviously didn’t work.”
“What are we going to do?” What did he mean he didn’t remember? How could he not remember something that important?
Another long pause. “Calm down. Calm down now. Look, there’s something important I’ve got to do, but I’ll come by tomorrow or Wednesday and we can talk about options.”
I disconnected without another word, got into my car and like a zombie, drove home and went to bed, pleading a headache. The next day there was no call from Paul, nor the day after that. I tried his cell, but he didn’t pick up. I called Patsy, hoping she’d know where he lived. How could I not even know where he lived? She gave me directions and fifteen minutes later I was on his front porch. I rang the bell. A woman answered, and I saw where Paul got his beautiful brown eyes.
“Is Paul here?” I asked.
“No, dear, he’s not. We’ve just returned from the bus terminal. Paul has joined the Army.”