January was, quite possibly, the worst month of my life.

I know that sounds dramatic, and fine, I suppose I’ve had worse ones. There was the first month my parents decided I needed to go on medication. There was the month Aisling decided she wasn’t speaking to me. If you went far enough back, there was the month after my grandparents died and everything seemed black and meaningless and I couldn’t explain it to anyone.

But sucky as all those months had been, they’d been better than this January in at least one respect. This January was the first time a month had been shitty and it was entirely my fault.

And that made me angry.

And being angry made me stupid.

I knew I wasn’t making good decisions anymore, but I didn’t care enough to stop. Everything just hurt, and it wasn’t going to stop hurting. I was never going to see Nick again, never hear from him again, and if everything was going to suck no matter what happened, I decided I might as well burn it all down.

“Are you sure, dude?” Caden asked, frowning at me and then at his sandwich. He’d been doing a lot of frowning since his family got back from Korea. It was weird, actually, seeing him this subdued.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “Definitely.”

“But why?”

“What do you mean, why? Because I want to.”

“But you never wanted to before.” Caden’s brow furrowed. “You only ever came into the city before to babysit me. So what gives?”

“I just want to, okay?”

I glared at Caden, who looked offended, and then looked to Aisling for help.

“Don’t ask me,” she said, holding her hands out helplessly. “I’ve already registered my disapproval. Eli knows I think this is dumb.”

She had registered her disapproval. She’d registered it four times today already.

‘I know you’re sad, Eli, but throwing yourself at some other guy isn’t going to make the pain go away.’

As if I didn’t know that. Of course I did. But throwing myself at someone else might at least help me forget about Nick for a little while, but when I’d tried to explain that, she’d just shaken her head.

‘Or it might make you miss him more.’

I couldn’t tell which was worse, the compassion in her voice or the pity in her eyes.

“Anyway, why do I need a reason to go in?” I asked, turning my attention back to Caden. “You never had a reason before.”

“Yeah, but I’m a noted fuck-up.”

“Well, maybe I want to be one too. Besides, speaking of changes, what the hell? Why are you suddenly on the straight and narrow?”

Caden gave me a hard look. “Not straight. Just—” he sighed. “I don’t know. Seeing my grandparents over Christmas, spending time with my grandma… it just put some things in perspective. Like, don’t get me wrong, my parents are still the worst. But throwing my life away isn’t going to make them change their minds, you know?”

“Ugh.” I buried my face in my hands. “Why did you have to gain a sense of responsibility at the worst possible time?”

“Well, like I said. I’m a fuck-up. But there’s no reason you have to be too.”

That conversation played through my mind as I told my mom we had another church lock-in. It played through my mind on the train, as I rode into the city and tried to psych myself up. I heard it again as I walked down the street towards Adriatic, telling myself that it didn’t matter what my friends thought, I had every right to do something stupid if I wanted to.

I’d mixed some of my mom’s gin into a bottle of orange juice on the way in, so I was already pleasantly tipsy, and when the bouncer waved me in, I went straight to the bar and ordered another drink.

“Hey you,” a voice said behind me as I paid for my beer. “Didn’t expect to see you here again.”

I turned and blinked, trying to focus on the face in front of me. The flashing lights—and the alcohol—made it a bit hard to see, and it took me a second to place the guy.

“Oh, shit. Hey.”

It was George, Sergeant Pepper’s friend. Realizing I probably sounded a little unfriendly, I made myself smile coyly, and add, “Why wouldn’t you expect to see me?”

George laughed and leaned up against the bar. It was crowded, but not crowded enough to justify the need for him to stand quite so close to me. I swallowed, and reminded myself that this was exactly why I’d come out tonight.

“Maybe I just didn’t expect to see you alone,” George said. “Where’s your friend?”

“Caden?” I asked. “He uh—he couldn’t make it. Too much work.”

“So you’re here all by your lonesome?” George smiled, and I couldn’t tell if he meant it to be a leer, or if that was just what his face looked like.

Still—this was why I was here, right?

“No,” I said, flashing George a confident grin. I picked my beer up off the bar and clinked it against the one George was holding. “I’m here with you.”

George threw back his head and laughed, and I told myself to calm down and be reasonable. That was probably how he always laughed. It was just my imagination that made it sound predatory.

“In that case,” George said, “let me introduce you to my friends.”

I let him lead me across the club to a table on the other side. Sergeant Pepper was there, plus four other guys whose names I immediately forgot.

“Has the semester started for you again?” George asked, tugging my hand and pulling me down to sit next to him on a banquette.

I stared at him in confusion before remembering that he thought I was in college.

“Uh, yeah,” I said, hoping Mann University didn’t have a J term.

“But I guess you’re not slammed with work yet,” George said. “Like your friend.”

“Guess not.”

I made myself laugh. I was pretty sure George was trying to flirt—he just wasn’t very good at it. Nothing to worry about, I reminded myself. He was awkward, and eager, but he’d been perfectly polite the last time I’d seen him. I was going to flirt back, and see where the night took me.

Except, the longer I sat there, the less I wanted to do anything of the sort. And the more drinks I let them get me, the more I realized this might have been a mistake. It was one thing to think I wanted to go out and get wasted and hook up with someone random as a ‘fuck you’ to Nick—not that he’d even ever be aware of it. But it was another thing entirely to actually do that. And the more time I spent with George and his friends, the more I realized I didn’t want to hook up with any of them.

I lost track of how much I drank. George kept getting me more drinks, and I kept finishing them, hoping that maybe if I got drunk enough, this would start to seem like a good idea again. With enough alcohol, maybe George would seem funnier, or Sergeant Pepper would be hotter, or any of those guys would suddenly become someone I wanted to make a mistake with.

It didn’t work. But as the night wore on, I’d spent so much time with those guys that I knew they assumed I was going home with at least one of them. So when George asked me if I was getting tired, I panicked, and said I wanted to stay out. Sergeant Pepper suggested we go to another bar, Timberline, and I said yes because I wasn’t sure what else to do.

I could feel myself starting to sober up a bit as we walked, and I pulled my phone out to check the time. My heart sank. I’d missed the last train.

“What’s up?” George asked, draping his arm around my shoulders and leaning over me. “Checking in with someone back home?”

“Uh, no,” I stammered, not sure why I suddenly felt uncomfortable. “Just—just wanted to see what time it was.”

I shoved my phone back in my jacket pocket, next to my wallet and keys.

“Not changing your mind on us, are you?” Sergeant Pepper asked, as we reached the next bar. His smile was even more unsettling than George’s.

The bouncer just waved everyone through—clearly he knew these guys—and Sergeant Pepper walked straight to the back of the bar, around a corner from the noisy front section. George pulled me down onto another bench. I shrugged his arm off, explaining that I was hot, and wanted to take my jacket off, and tried to use it as a barrier between the two of us, but he just tossed it over onto the table and moved in close again.

“Oh, you’re definitely hot,” he said, bringing his lips way too close to my face.

A nervous giggle escaped me. It was such a cheesy line that it should have been funny—would have been funny, if I hadn’t suddenly felt on edge.

I told myself to calm down. This was the same group of guys it had been all night, and no one had tried to do anything sketchy yet. But then Sergeant Pepper came back in with a round of shots, closing the door behind him, and I realized we weren’t just in a back section of the bar, we were in a back room. How had I missed that?

My heart started to pound.

“Something wrong?” George asked, and I realized some of my panic must be showing on my face.

“No, I just—I think my friend might need me,” I said, knowing how fake that sounded.

“Did he text you?” George was very focused on me, but I didn’t get the sense it was out of concern, and his arm went back around my shoulders. “I thought you said he was busy with work.”

“No-no, a different friend,” I stammered. “I think they might need me to—”

“You’ve got time for one more drink, don’t you?” Sergeant Pepper broke in. He sat down on my other side and put his hand on my thigh.

My chest tightened. This was officially not good. One of the other guys—God, why hadn’t I listened to their names?—got up and stood next to the door. Why was he doing that?

“Why not tell your friend to come here?” George asked, smiling too intently.

Oh, fuck. Oh, holy fuck, I had miscalculated, hadn’t I? This was why Caden used the buddy system. This was why Aisling thought this was a bad idea. This was why Nick told me letting random guys get you alone was dangerous.

Thinking about Nick was like a knife to the heart. He’d fucking kill me if he knew where I was right now, and I hated the thought of letting him down. Hated how much he’d be worrying, if he knew. Hated that even though this whole night had been a stupid bid to get over him, all I wanted was for Nick to be here right now, for him to make everything okay.

“Come on, don’t be shy now,” Sergeant Pepper said. He leaned over to the table and grabbed one of the shot glasses off the tray he’d brought back, passing it to George over my head. “Everyone grab one of these. We’re gonna have fun.”

The rest of the guys walked over to the table, and when the one by the door left his post, I did the only thing I could think of.

I ran.

“Hello?”

Nick’s voice was faint as it crackled through the intercom, but I thought I heard sleepiness. I’d probably woken him up, which was only going to make him want to see me even less. But I didn’t know what else to do.

“Nick? It’s me. Um, Eli, I mean. I’m so sorry, but I didn’t know where else to go, I lost my everything and I can’t get home and I—”

“Hang on, I’m coming down.”

Nick didn’t even give me a chance to finish babbling, not that I was going to say anything useful or interesting. He sounded annoyed. Fair enough. I didn’t have my phone anymore, so I wasn’t quite sure what time it was, but it had been at least 2:00 a.m. when I’d gotten to Timberline.

I wrapped my arms around myself to stop shivering as I waited. I’d left my jacket along with my phone and wallet when I’d run out of Timberline, but it wasn’t the cold making me shiver. It didn’t make sense—I’d gotten away from those guys. I’d probably overreacted to begin with, but even if I hadn’t, I was fine now. Far away.

So why couldn’t I stop shaking?

Nick’s blurry form swam towards me through the frosted windows of the lobby as he came out of the stairwell and made his way to the door. He pushed it open and my eyes barely had time to take in the fact that he was barefoot and in nothing but a t-shirt and boxers before he burst out, “Eli? Jesus, what are you doing here?”

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up. I’m not trying to—I mean, I’m not asking to stay, I just didn’t know where else to go and I thought maybe if I could use your phone I could call Caden or Aisling and they could drive in and come get me. I’m so sorry, I wouldn’t have come if I’d had anywhere else to go but I just—”

“Eli—”

“I know you don’t want me here, but I left my wallet and my phone, and those guys were—”

“Eli—”

“I just—I’m really, really sorry, I know you don’t want to see me, but I swear I won’t stay long, I just need to—”

“Eli, please, just listen for a second.”

Nick’s voice finally broke through and I realized he was still standing in the doorway, just watching me. How long had I been babbling?

“First things first. Are you okay?” Nick asked, his voice serious.

“What? I’m—I’m fine. I just—” I stuttered, not knowing how to explain.

Maybe coming here hadn’t been such a good idea. Nick would probably just say ‘I told you so’ if I told him what had actually happened. My body shook, remembering the way those guys had loomed over me, and I rubbed my arms, trying to pass it off as a shiver.

“Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m fine, I just lost all my shit and—I’m sorry, this is stupid. I shouldn’t have come. I can just go back to Penn Station. I’m sure if I ask enough people, I can get money for a ticket home.”

“Eli, it’s okay,” Nick said, holding the door open. “I was just trying to figure out if we needed to go to the ER immediately or anything. Come on in.”

“Are you sure?” I searched Nick’s face for some sign of what he was feeling, but he could have given a brick wall a run for its money in expressionlessness. “I really shouldn’t have—”

“Yes, you should,” Nick broke in. “Come on in. I don’t know what happened, but you’re clearly in no state to be running around lower Manhattan.”

“But you said you—”

“We’ll sort it out. Please. Just come in.”

I sighed and stepped inside. I really hadn’t thought this through. Nick was already convinced I was a child. Anything I told him about tonight was only going to reinforce that notion.

I followed Nick silently up to his apartment, and tried not to sink into the feeling of warmth and relief that washed over me as I stepped across the threshold. The lamp next to the couch was the only light in the room, catching on the spines of the books spilling out of all his bookcases, making silhouettes of the pothos plants creeping around the edges of the room, and illuminating the gold frame on the photo of his mom.

I felt safe here, but I also felt like I didn’t belong. That welcoming glow wasn’t meant for me. I’d spent countless hours daydreaming about being here. Waking up in bed with Nick. Snuggling with him on the couch. Kissing him in the kitchen. But Nick had never wanted me in his apartment at all.

I stood nervously by the door. “You don’t have to—I mean, if I could just use your phone.”

“Don’t be silly,” Nick said over his shoulder as he crossed the room and disappeared into his bedroom. “It’s almost 3:00 a.m. Come in and sit down. Just give me a second.”

The bedroom door closed behind him and a brief, irrational bolt of panic shot through me. What if he had someone over, and I’d interrupted them? What if there was another guy on the other side of that door right now, and Nick was explaining how this pathetic nineteen year old kid who wouldn’t stop stalking him had shown up in the middle of the night and how he had to let him down easy?

I walked slowly to the couch and sat down on the very edge of the cushions. Another wave of shivers ran through me. It was so fucked up that I felt safe around someone who couldn’t stand the sight of me. Those guys hadn’t even been that bad. Probably nothing would have happened if I hadn’t freaked out and ran. But it was too late now.

Was I ever going to get to a point where I didn’t make myself look like an utter child in front of Nick? Probably not. God, I hated myself. I was shaking now, and I couldn’t seem to stop it. Why hadn’t I just stayed home tonight?

“Do you want a glass of water? Or anything from the kitchen?”

When I turned, Nick was coming back out of the bedroom. He’d left the door wide open, and I didn’t think there was anyone else in there, but I couldn’t help wondering. Why else would he have gone into—

Oh. He was wearing sweatpants now. Relief rushed through me.

“No, I’m—I’m okay.” I shook my head as Nick made his way to the sofa and sat down, looking at me with concern. I hugged myself, trying to stop the shivers running through me. “Really, I’m just—”

“Yes, I know, you’re completely fine, you never should have come, nothing happened, it’s not a big deal, and you promise you’ll disappear in a second if I would just let you use my phone,” Nick broke in gently. “You’ve said all of that about a million times, but it’s clear that it’s not true. At least the part about nothing having happened—”

“It really wasn’t—”

“—and I’m not going to let you use my phone until I know what did happen,” he finished. “Not when you’re this upset. Something’s wrong, and I wouldn’t be doing my job if I let you walk out of here, maybe back into a dangerous situation, without finding out what’s going on.”

I don’t know why that was what set me off. Nick was just trying to be nice—to be Nick, which meant taking care of me. That was exactly why I’d come here, wasn’t it? But something inside me caught fire at his words.

“I’m not your job anymore, in case you’ve forgotten.” My voice was wild, frayed around the edges. “Or had you really not realized it’s been an entire month since you had anything to do with me?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Like hell it isn’t.” Maybe it was just that being angry felt better than being embarrassed or scared, but I stood up and shook my head. “I’m gonna go.”

“Eli, wait.”

I was halfway to the door by the time Nick spoke, and I turned around, suddenly furious. Furious at Nick’s stupid, perfect apartment that would never have a place for me. Furious at Nick, for not understanding that no matter what he did, I was never going to stop wanting him. Furious at myself, for being so pathetic.

Tears sprang to my eyes.

“Don’t you fucking say that. Don’t you dare say that to me again, not when you’re just going to tell me something nice and kind and completely fucking unhelpful about how you’re not interested and I need to move on.”

Nick’s jaw dropped open. Was he really so surprised? He stood up and walked towards me, but I didn’t want to wait to hear what he was going to say. At the Christmas party, I’d tried to salvage some of my pride, tried to hide what I’d felt as I’d walked away. But if this was really going to be the last time I saw him, I wanted him to know just how awful I felt.

“I’m not going to move on,” I said as he got closer. “And if you think I am, you’re an idiot, because you’re pretty much perfect and you spent all fall letting me get to know you and then you act like I’m just not supposed to care?”

Nick was only a foot away from me now, but I was too angry to stop.

“If you didn’t want me to like you, you should have quit your job the second you found out who I really was. But you didn’t, and now I’m all fucked up and it’s all your fault, and I don’t care if it makes me pathetic to tell you this, you should at least fucking know what you did to—”

I cut off abruptly, my eyes widening as Nick leaned in, closing the distance between his face and mine. What was he doing? Why was he getting this close? Was he going to yell at me for—

And then his lips hit mine.

I sucked in a breath of air, a sharp gasp as our lips touched, bounced apart, then touched again. Nick’s right hand went around my waist, his left hand to the back of my head, and then he pulled me closer, pressing his mouth to mine.

Involuntarily, my eyes closed. My hands braced against his chest and my lips parted. I wasn’t thinking, wasn’t even able to think. It was like some deeper part of me, some subterranean id that usually slumbered, had been awakened and it was the one powering my body.

I couldn’t do anything except feel. The warmth of Nick’s chest, the strength of his grip on my waist, the firm press of his hand on the back of my neck. His tongue licked along my bottom lip and I moaned—I fucking moaned—as I opened my mouth wider to let him inside.

This couldn’t be happening. This was Nick, the guy who’d told me in no uncertain terms, countless fucking times, that he wasn’t interested. Was I dreaming this? Had I somehow hit my head and passed out as I ran out of Timberline and I was actually lying passed out cold on the sidewalk as my brain conjured up this hallucination?

Nick’s tongue swirled against mine, touching, probing. His kiss was hot, hungry and possessive. My knees started to tremble like they might give way, and whatever part of me was still capable of conscious thought was yelling wildly at me to please not crumble to the floor, because then this kiss would end, and I wasn’t ready to wake up from this dream yet.

I whimpered and pushed my body against his for strength. I needed this—I needed Nick—and God help me if I was going to let this go a second sooner than I had to. Whatever came next, there was no way it wouldn’t be a disappointment, after this.

Abruptly, Nick broke away, pulling back a few inches to stare at me. He didn’t move any further than that, but I clutched at his shirt regardless. You couldn’t have pried my hands loose with a crowbar.

“I’m sorry,” Nick said, breathing heavily. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“What? No. I mean—no—yes. Yes, you definitely should have.” I looked up at him, feeling unhinged. “I have no idea where that came from, and I’m pretty sure I’m about to wake up in five seconds and be really depressed that this wasn’t real, but—no. Don’t apologize. Not for that.”

Nick smiled wryly. “Not a dream, I’m pretty sure.” He took his hand from behind my head and stroked my face. “I kind of wish it were. Then there wouldn’t be consequences. But as it is…”

He shook his head regretfully and took another step back. He brought his hands to mine where they fisted his shirt, wrapping them lightly around my wrists.

“I meant what I said. I shouldn’t have kissed you. Not—” he arched an eyebrow to forestall the interruption I’d been about to make “—because I didn’t want to. Obviously. But even if I’m not your advisor anymore, there’s still no way this is ethical.”

He sighed. “But if you think for even a second that I only care about you because I see you as some kind of responsibility—if you think I haven’t missed you every second of every day this month, if you think I can think about you hurting and not want to do everything in my power to make sure you never hurt again, then you—”

Nick broke off abruptly and winced. “Now I’m being creepy aren’t I? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I’m not scared,” I said, forcing myself to speak steadily despite the tears leaking from the corners of my eyes. “And you’re not being creepy. I just—” I blinked, trying to find a name for the feeling in my heart. “I’m so confused. I still don’t know if you’re about to kick me out of your apartment, or tell me you can’t see me ever again, and Nick—what’s happening?”

“I don’t know,” Nick whispered.

“Do you want me to leave?”

I couldn’t believe I was asking that. Maybe it was because I’d convinced myself that I’d never hear him say the words he’d just said. Maybe I just couldn’t believe this was real.

“Really,” I said, giving him a watery smile. “I can go, if that’s what you want.”

Nick closed his eyes for a long moment, but when he opened them, his gaze was clear.

“No. That’s not what I want. I want you to stay.”