“Hey man, you want another beer?”

I looked up from my laptop to see Micah, one of the bartenders at Maggie’s, peering at me from across the bar.

“Fuck it, why not?”

Might as well. It had been a weird week and I felt like my head was underwater. Might as well give myself a hangover while I was at it.

I’d come to Maggie’s to get some work done, and to keep Micah company, since Gray, the owner of Maggie’s, was off filming a movie. But every time I tried to do some reading, or review a spreadsheet, or work on a proposal or paper or pretty much anything related to school or work, my concentration just seemed to evaporate.

But if I let my mind start to dwell on Eli, then I had the concentration of a chess master, and I found myself thinking about him for hours. Which was fucked up. I knew that. But I hadn’t been able to get him out of my mind since the night he’d spent at my place.

I’d barely slept at all that night. I’d been too aware of how close he was, how all it would have taken was one move from me and I could have had—well, everything. I wasn’t an idiot. I could tell Eli was interested. He was trying to pretend he wasn’t, I was pretty sure, but not doing a very good job of it.

I hoped I was doing a little better in that department. Because wanting Eli wasn’t just wrong, it was dangerous, and if I gave him even a hint of how I really felt… It was just so hard to be around him, hard to trust myself not to say the wrong thing. But at the same time, being around Eli was all I wanted.

I was a mess.

“Our best blond IPA, coming up,” Micah said, sliding my glass back across the bar. He studied me for a second. “I feel like you’ve got your thinking face on and I should be a good bartender and ask what’s up, but I have to go change a keg in the back.”

“Don’t worry about it.” I picked up my beer, took a sip, and waved him away. “Really, I’m just thinking about work stuff. I’m fine.”

Lies—all lies. But maybe if I said it enough, it would start to be true? Only, I didn’t get a chance to test that theory, because as soon as I took a deep breath and turned my attention back to my laptop, my phone buzzed, and a text from Eli popped up on the screen.

My heart thumped. He wasn’t supposed to text me. I probably shouldn’t even read this.

Like that was going to stop me.

I picked up the phone and scanned the message.

ELI: Hey so, I know you don’t want me texting you, but I have a favor to ask. It was really good talking to you the other night—and thank you again, by the way, for that—and I actually ended up rewriting this essay for my college applications and I know this is kind of a big ask but I was wondering if you would mind looking it over?

ELI: I think I’m gonna show it to my English teacher, but I kinda wanted to get a second opinion first, just in case it’s actually the worst thing that’s ever been committed to paper in the English language

ELI: So I didn’t want to put you on the spot, and I know you don’t think we should be communicating or whatever, so I made this dummy email account and I put the essay in an email there, and so basically you can log in and read it if you want, and if you don’t want to, you can just ignore me. Anyway the account is and the password is donut

ELI: And either way, you don’t have to respond if you don’t want to and you can also delete all these texts

ELI: Okay uhhh yeah, sorry for accosting you, I guess that’s it, bye!

I stared at my phone, trying to process all of that. Only Eli would take my suggestion that it wasn’t appropriate for us to text, and use that as an excuse to create a secret email account to communicate with me. Logging into that would only make me feel more guilty and sneaky and like I was doing something I shouldn’t be doing. Because I would be. There was no way I should even respond to these texts, let alone read that essay.

But...

I couldn’t help being curious about what he’d written. And Eli had said I didn’t have to respond. He couldn’t have baited the hook better if he’d tried. Or maybe he had tried. Did Eli know me well enough to know I was pretty much incapable of refusing him anything? That was a chilling thought.

And yet, not chilling enough, because the next thing I knew, I was logging into that gmail account, hating myself even as I typed in the password, and clicking on the one email in the inbox, one that CherrieTheVampireWaitress had apparently sent to herself. There was a document attached. Glancing around me like I was looking for the pervert police, I clicked it and began to read.

The essay was nothing like what I expected. And it was gorgeous. Aisling and Sarah hadn’t been kidding. Eli was a talented writer. The prose was spare, direct, and heartbreaking. I’d spent enough time trying to craft sermons at this point that I could recognize someone with the talent to write miles better than I’d ever be able to. Eli’s writing was breathtaking.

It wasn’t even that long an essay. It touched on Eli’s relationship with his parents. The questions he found himself asking. The things he wanted, and the reasons he wasn’t sure he should.

It was lovely. And sad. And I found myself wanting to hold Eli tight and tell him how special he was, even if he didn’t feel that way.

I just had to hope Eli didn’t realize that he had me in the palm of his hand. The whole situation was a mess, and worse, it was a mess I craved. A tousled, blond-haired, blue-eyed mess with a smile that cracked me open and poured sunlight into my chest.

I was screwed.

We had another con the following weekend, this one up in New Canaan, Connecticut. Gwen and I were driving the Mountview youth group up in our cars, and Eli sat in the backseat as I drove—a fact I was both a little sad about, and then grateful for, because being sad that he wasn’t in front next to me was a bad, bad sign.

I tried to keep my distance once we arrived, spending time getting to know kids from the other youth groups. I’d been so panicked during the first con of the year that I barely remembered anything that had happened. This time, I told myself, I was going to be more present.

I was also aiming to be more awake, which was why, during the talent show that had been organized for Friday night, I found myself in the back, chugging black coffee with Marcus and Gwen. Someone had brought a karaoke machine and two girls dressed in clown costumes were doing an amazingly choreographed duet to Baby Got Back.

“Julia clearly inherited your musical talent,” Gwen said to Marcus, nodding up towards the stage.

I did a double-take. That was Julia up there? I hadn’t recognized her under the giant green wig.

Marcus beamed with pride. “Thank God one of them did. Cory seems to have gotten Mina’s genes when it comes to singing, not that that holds her back in the slightest when she wants to. Oh, which reminds me.” He turned to me. “I’ve been meaning to invite you up to our annual Christmas party. We’re hosting it next week, and it’s always a lot of fun—tons of food, booze, and carol singing, plus Gwen’s ugly sweaters get uglier every year.”

“Oh. Um, thanks,” I said, surprised. I liked Marcus, but I wouldn’t have thought I was close enough to merit an invite.

“It really is fun,” Gwen said. “And if you want, I’ll bring an extra ugly sweater for you. I’ve got two decades worth, at this point. Ooh, or we could go shopping.”

“Who’s going shopping? Can we come?”

The three of us turned to see Aisling and Eli sauntering up to the table in the back where we were clustered

“That depends,” Gwen said with a laugh. “Are you paying?”

“Eww, no.” Aisling made a face. “That’s what adults are for.””

Marcus sighed. “So nice to be appreciated. Anything we can do for you?”

“Yeah.” Eli snorted. “Nick’s sitting on the book of karaoke songs, and I need to see if they have the one I want.”

“Oh, I—shit, sorry.” I could feel my cheeks heat up as I stood up and slid the binder over to him before sitting back down at the edge of the table. Dammit, if I couldn’t be normal around Eli for thirty seconds, I was in trouble.

“No big deal.” Eli smiled broadly. “How’s it going? I feel like I’ve barely seen you since we got here?”

“Yeah, Nick,” Aisling put in. “You’re supposed to be Mountview’s advisor. Why are you avoiding us?”

“I’m not avoiding you,” I said quickly. Too quickly, maybe. “Just, you know, trying to get to know everyone.”

“Of course you are,” Gwen said, patting my hand absently. She turned to Eli. “What’re you going to sing tonight, hon?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I was thinking maybe Don’t Stand So Close to Me? I’ve always liked that one.”

My stomach turned a somersault. Did he know? Was he doing this on purpose? I risked a glance in his direction and yep—the look on his face was far too bland and innocent.

“Hmm, I don’t think they have that,” Aisling said, rifling through the pages as Eli held the binder open.

“Boooo.” Eli frowned. “Um, what about Mrs. Robinson, do they have that?

I was starting to feel queasy. He wouldn’t actually sing that, would he?

It didn’t help to remind myself that no one else would get the reference if he did. I felt like Gwen and Marcus were staring at me, wondering what was going on. They weren’t actually—it was only Eli who kept glancing up at me, his mouth quirking into the barest hint of a smile, but I felt like I was under a spotlight.

“Doesn’t look like it,” Aisling said, still flipping through the pages.

“Ohh, I’ve got it.” Eli flashed me a grin this time, not even trying to hide it. “How about Father Figure by George Michael? Do they have that?”

I turned and fled.

“I wasn’t really going to sing any of those songs, you know.”

Eli’s voice took me by surprise as I stood in the narthex of the New Canaan church later that night, staring out at the sky. The building was set deep in the woods, so we should have been able to see the stars, but the weather was calling for snow by the morning, and it had already clouded up.

I looked over my shoulder to watch him approach, and I held my breath until he came to a stop, leaving a two foot gap between us.

“I was just joking,” he went on. “You knew that, right?”

I risked a glance at him. The only light was what was filtering in from the sanctuary behind us, but I could see well enough to tell that he was biting his lip again, and that his brow was furrowed, like he was worried about something. And that he was every bit as gorgeous as ever. That too.

You shouldn’t be having this conversation, I told myself. You know you shouldn’t be alone with him. Not that we were hiding, exactly—the room was huge, and open. But at this late hour, we had it to ourselves, and I wasn’t sure it was a good idea to spend any more time in Eli’s company than necessary at this point.

Just leave. Just tell him you have to go.

“Sometimes I can’t tell what’s real and what’s fake with you,” I said instead.

Eli gave me an intense look. “Then just ask.”

I closed my eyes briefly, searching for a response. Something to change the subject, without being too obvious.

“I um—I read your essay,” I said. “I don’t know if you saw the email I sent back.”

Eli grinned. “I did. I mean, just by chance, of course. It’s not like I’ve been checking that account every hour on the hour for the past week or anything.”

“Of course not.” I smiled. “I meant what I said, though. It was really good. Jaw-droppingly so.”

“Really?” Eli smiled and I made myself look away, back out the window and into the trees outside. Looking at that smile too long could be deadly.

“Yeah. Really. And I think Wrenville College will be lucky to have you.”

Something twisted inside me as the words left my mouth, something that didn’t like the thought of Eli leaving. Which was definitely a sign that he needed to. Much as I hated the thought of him not being here anymore, that was probably the only thing that would help me—Jesus, I hated that I had to say this, but—help me get over him.

“I don’t know.” Eli shrugged. “I might not get in.”

“I’m sure you will. A year from now, you’ll be freezing your ass off in Minnesota and maybe regretting your choice not to go somewhere in the Caribbean, but you’ll definitely get in.”

“What about you?” Eli asked. “Where are you gonna be next year? When are you like—” he broke off, with a laugh. “I just realized I don’t even know how you become a minister. When will you be done?”

“Not for a while, still. I’ve got another year of coursework, after this one. I’ll have to finish this internship, too. And then I do this big written thing, and go before a committee, and they basically interview you about everything you’ve ever done or said or thought, and if they decide you pass, then they recommend you for ordination.”

“Shit, that sounds like a lot.”

“It is,” I said with a sigh. “And even if they do pass me—which I’m not sure they will—then I have to start looking for a job, and that’s a whole other thing.”

“Well I’m sure that any congregation would be lucky to have you,” Eli said, giving me a serious look. “I mean it.”

I snorted. “Thanks.”

“I mean it. You’re the best listener I’ve ever met, and you’re super calming and kind and just easy to talk to.”

“There’s a little more that goes into being a minister than that,” I said ruefully. “And it’s the sort of profession where you kinda have to go where the jobs are—only I can’t leave the area. So that’ll make it even harder.”

“Why can’t you leave?” Eli asked, peering up at me.

I pressed my lips together. I hadn’t meant to say that. I didn’t talk about my mom much with anyone, and I certainly hadn’t meant to open up about the situation with her to Eli.

But I’d already told him a little bit about her, that night at my place. And I knew the assumptions he’d probably made. Maybe it was okay to just tell him everything?

“My mom,” I said finally.

“But I thought she—” Eli broke off, looking confused. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“No, it’s fine.” I smiled, trying to let him know it wasn’t his fault. “It’s just not something I talk about much. She’s, um—she’s in a coma. She has been, ever since the accident. So she’s still here. But also… not.”

“Oh. Shit.”

“Yeah.” I shrugged. “I wouldn’t be comfortable with leaving her. I mean, she has my dad, obviously, but still.”

“Is she at home? Sorry if that’s a dumb question, I don’t, uh, know anything about… how that works.”

“It’s not dumb, and no, she’s not. She’s in a long-term care facility. St. Kate’s, in South Orange. That’s why we moved there, actually. Technically it’s a hospital, but they don’t have an ER or anything. It’s just for patients like her, who aren’t—aren’t going to wake up.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks,” I said softly.

We stood there in silence, and I wondered what Eli was thinking, and then I hated myself for wondering. I didn’t like talking about my mom, usually. It felt like lifting a band-aid off a wound that hadn’t healed yet, like I was putting myself, and my mom, at risk.

That wasn’t how I felt with Eli. With him, I just regretted opening up because the more I did it, the easier it got. The easier it was to feel close with him. And that was something I knew I had to fight against.

“Hey, look.” Eli pointed out through the windows. “It’s snowing.”

His face was beautiful, his eyes wide with delight, his lips parted in surprise. He turned to smile at me, his whole face open and trusting, and Christ, what was I doing?

“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice strangled. “I have to go.”

It was still snowing in the morning, and all the weather reports said that what they’d thought would be an inch or two of snow was turning into a full-blown storm, one that might dump a foot or more in the next 24 hours. By 9 a.m., the decision was made to cancel the con and send everyone home before the roads got too dangerous to drive.

Everyone was pretty exhausted when they piled back into my car. No one, myself included, had gotten much sleep the night before, but everyone else could doze on the way home. I had to make due with a travel mug of coffee and the radio. I put it on the classical station my mom used to love.

I smiled at the view of Eli I had in my rearview mirror. Vikram was smushed against a pillow on the left-hand side of the car, Aisling on the right, and Eli had pressed a pillow to Aisling’s shoulder and passed out. His blond hair fell across his eyes, and the diffuse light caught his cheekbones and gave him an elfin quality.

I could have watched him sleep forever, but I told myself sternly to stop being a creep and to keep my eyes on the road. The whole point of leaving the con early had been to avoid traffic accidents, not create them because I was too busy staring at a teenager to drive properly.

The whole day felt soft. Soft music, soft, gauzy sunlight spilling down from the white sky overhead, soft snowflakes drifting through the canopy of trees over the road, leaving a coating of frosting on everything they touched. Even on the highway, everything felt muted and dreamy.

The drive was over all too soon. Vikram lived in Mountview and Sarah in Newcliff, so I dropped them off first. Eli roused himself as Vikram got out of the car and slid over to his vacated seat, but he stayed quiet, just looking out the window as I drove. I kept glancing back at him, and when he caught me doing it, he just stared back at me, his eyes a deep, brilliant blue.

Aisling’s house was next. Eli hugged her as she got out of the car before sliding into the front seat. She gave the car a long look before turning to walk into her house.

“Wait,” Eli said, giving me a small smile as I started to pull out of her driveway. “Wait, let me pick a song first, before you start driving.”

His fingers darted over to the radio dial and I laughed as he went through every one of my presets before finally shooting me a disgusted look and waving a hand to give me permission to start driving again.

“Anyone ever tell you your taste in music leaves a little something to be desired?” he said, still scrolling through the dial.

“Hey, you could just plug your phone in,” I pointed out, “if you’re determined to be picky. I know you have your whole radio thing, but—”

“But that would take away all my chances to make fun of you,” Eli said.

“Ah. I see how it is. How extremely fair.”

Eli laughed. “I don’t know where you got the impression that I was concerned with fairness. This isn’t a—oh my God, perfect.”

“What?”

He grinned and tapped the radio, and I realized he’d finally stopped scrolling. He’d landed on a golden oldies station and Baby, It’s Cold Outside was playing.

“I love this song,” he said.

“Are you serious?”

“Dead serious.” He grinned. “It started out as a joke. I just listened to it because Aisling hated it. But somewhere along the way I ended up liking it and now, here we are. Anyway, it’s kinda perfect for driving in the snow, don’t you think?”

I rolled my eyes. “Only you would unironically like this song.”

Eli just shrugged and turned the volume up. “Sorry your taste isn’t as refined as mine.”

Aisling’s house wasn’t all that far from Eli’s, but when the time came to turn in that direction, I found myself turning the opposite way, down a road that looped through a rural, wooded bit of farmland before sweeping back in towards town.

Eli looked at me in confusion. “You know my house is the other way, right?”

“Yep.”

“You planning on taking me out to the woods and murdering me?”

“No, I just thought that if you really liked this song, the least I could do was let it play the whole way through before we got to your house. So I figured we could take the long way.”

The look Eli gave me then was hard to decipher. He was smiling, but he looked surprised, and there was a hint of something speculative in his eyes. I found myself wondering, again, what he was thinking.

Was that so wrong? I knew nothing could happen between us, but couldn’t I just keep Eli as a friend? Maybe that was tempting fate, but it seemed unfair that I’d met someone I genuinely liked and now had to keep at arm’s length. He wasn’t even going to be here that much longer. Couldn’t I just enjoy our friendship while it lasted?

“You’re quiet,” I said, as I took the turn that would take us back into town. “Still half asleep?”

“No.” Eli laughed lightly. “Not that. Just… thinking, I guess.”

“Ah.” I nodded.

Eli gave me a quizzical look. “Anyone else would ask me what I’m thinking about.”

“I figure you’ll tell me if you want,” I said quickly. That, and I’m too scared to let you know I want to ask. “Besides, sometimes it’s nice to have people you can be quiet around, you know?”

“Yeah.” Eli gave me another unreadable look. “Yeah.”

The snow was beginning to collect along the edges of the road as I pulled onto Eli’s street. It was a good thing we were getting to his house. It wouldn’t be safe to be on the roads, soon, and left to my own devices, I might have found another excuse to keep the car ride from ending. The driveway was empty when I pulled up out front.

“Your parents aren’t home?” I asked, blinking in surprise.

Eli shrugged. “My dad’s probably at work.”

“On a Saturday?”

“On any day. He spends as much time out of the house as possible. And my mom’s probably out buying last minute storm supplies, as though we don’t have a basement full of canned goods and toilet paper as it is.”

Eli unbuckled his seatbelt, but he didn’t move. He just stared down at his lap, and everything felt tense all of a sudden. Had I upset him, asking about his dad?

“Eli? Is everything okay?” I put my hand on his shoulder without thinking. “Are you—”

Before I could finish the question, Eli’s head snapped up. His eyes found mine, and then he was leaning over, his hand gripping my arm and his lips pressing against mine.

I froze in shock, my eyes widening as Eli’s closed. I could feel Eli’s lips moving against mine, but it still took me a moment to register what was happening. Eli was kissing me?

“Jesus, Eli, what are you doing?” I jerked back, then leaned as far over towards the window as possible, trying to put as much distance between the two of us as I could. “What the fuck?”

It came out way harsher than I meant it to, but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t hide my shock. What was Eli thinking, kissing me? Didn’t he know that we couldn’t do that?

Obviously not, asshole. Obviously he picked up on the fact that you wanted him. Obviously you never came close to hiding it as well as you thought you did.

“I thought—I thought you wanted me to?” Eli said, his eyes full of hurt and confusion. “I thought you knew I felt the same.”

“I—you thought we—fuck, Eli, no. I don’t want that.”

I could barely get the sentence out, I was so angry. Not with Eli, but with myself. If he’d thought I wanted him to kiss me, that was on me. I’d been stupid, and arrogant, for thinking I could navigate this and somehow keep my feelings for Eli hidden.

Not just stupid and arrogant, I realized as I saw tears well up in Eli’s eyes. I’d been cruel. Cruel to expect Eli to accept the warped kind of closeness I’d been trying to insist on, when I knew that he’d wanted more. I’d wanted to be his friend, without having to acknowledge his feelings—or my own.

Cruel, stupid, arrogant—and deeply unethical. I’d been lying to everyone from the moment I met Eli. And I’d been lying to myself.

“I’m sorry,” I said stiffly, every atom of my body suffused with regret, and shame. “I’m so sorry, Eli, I shouldn’t have yelled at you. It’s not your fault.”

“Don’t fucking tell me it’s not my fault,” Eli snapped. “I’m the one who kissed you. Twice, now. I just—I thought you wanted… wanted what I did. I thought you knew.”

“It isn’t your fault,” I insisted. “I should never have let things get this far. I don’t—I don’t want… what you want.” The lie burned in my throat and I swallowed, hard, before speaking again. “But I never should have put you in this position. It’s my fault, for ever letting you think that—that something could happen.”

“Oh.” Eli’s voice was so small, so wounded, and it cut me to the bone.

“I should go,” I said. It was better to end this conversation now, before I hurt Eli even more. “Can you get your sleeping bag and stuff up to the house by yourself?”

“Yeah.” Eli’s reply was quick, his cheeks stained red.

I closed my eyes, digging my fingernails into the steering wheel, and waited until I heard the car door open and close. When I opened them, he was gone.