Eli was leaving in two weeks, and I still hadn’t done what I needed to do.

I’d meant to. I’d tried to. But any time we came anywhere close to the subject, I froze. Just last week, when he’d suggested that I come out to Jersey to see him tonight, I’d thought that would be an opening. But then he’d told me why he wanted me to come.

“I was thinking, um, that we could get dinner or something,” Eli had said. We’d been standing right at the door to my apartment, as he’d left to catch his train. “But first there’s this park I want to show you. It’s kinda dumb, but it’s just my favorite place to go and be alone, and since I’m not gonna see it for awhile, I thought it might be nice to take you there, at least once.”

I could just picture Eli sitting in a field of wildflowers somewhere, writing in his notebook as butterflies floated around him. The image made me smile. And I couldn’t ruin his favorite place for him by having the conversation there, could I?

“That sounds amazing,” I told him, wrapping my arms around his waist. I leaned in and kissed him. “I’m in.”

“Although,” Eli said, “the other option is always that I could just not go to college, and I could show you this place, but then we could go back the next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, because I’d still be here, but—”

“But,” I cut in, “I think we both know that that’s not gonna happen.”

I’d said it gently, but Eli’s face had fallen anyway and something had stabbed me in the chest.

“You’re gonna go to college,” I said, trying to keep my voice upbeat, “and you’re going to have an amazing time. You’re going to kick ass in your program. You’re going to make so many new friends. Meet so many incredible people who inspire you and help you grow that you’re not even gonna miss me.”

“I’m sorry, are you kidding? Not miss you? I’m going to miss you every single second you’re not there, and then die from happiness whenever you come to visit or I come home, and then immediately go back to constantly missing you.”

“Okay, maybe I misspoke slightly,” I said,  “but the point stands—college is going to be incredible—even if you don’t think so right now—and there’s no way in the world I would do anything to stand in the way of that.”

“So what, we’re both just gonna be horribly depressed all fall? How’s that good for anyone?”

“You’re going to be too busy to be depressed. And having too much fun.” I’d held him in my arms and dipped him back for a moment, then pulled him up quickly and kissed the tip of his nose. “And I’ll fill up my time somehow. Don’t worry about me.”

“I feel like we’re dancing” Eli said, breathless.

I’d laughed, then spun him so his back was to the wall, and pinned him against it. I slid one leg in between Eli’s, grinding against him. He’d moaned as I kissed his neck.

“Still feel like we’re dancing?” I’d whispered.

We’d gotten a little distracted from there, and Eli had ended up missing his train.

And now, a week later, we were in his mom’s minivan. Eli had picked me up at the train station in Quincy, grinning and refusing to tell me where we were going. He’d just made me get in the car and said that if I was very good, he might even let me control the radio for a while

I looked over at him as we drove and felt my insides twist. Christ, he was gorgeous, and his energy was infectious. I didn’t want to hurt him—that’s why I’d let practically the whole summer pass, without plucking up the courage to do what I had to do.

I was going to hurt him no matter what, but if I could just be strong enough, I could choose the option that would help Eli most in the long run.

“Alright,” Eli said, pulling the car to an abrupt stop on a completely nondescript patch of gravel on the side of the road. He turned the engine off. “We’re here.”

“Where’s… here?”

All I knew was that we were somewhere out west of I-287, where the state became mountainous and overgrown, forests as far as the eye could see. A far cry from the more developed, eastern parts of the state I had always called home.

“I’ll show you,” Eli said. “Come on.”

He got out of the car and I followed. Let’s be real, I would have followed him anywhere. At the front end of the gravel patch, just beyond the nose of the car and half-hidden by a scraggly bush, there was a path leading into the brushy, tangled summer forest.

“Are you taking me to get murdered?” I asked.

“Babe, I would never do that to you.” Eli looked hurt. “Surely you know that if I were going to murder you, I’d wait until we’d fucked on your couch first. I have goals to accomplish.”

“I never should have doubted you.”

Eli led the way through the woods, birdsong and sunlight filling the air. The earth smelled rich and warm and green. He grinned back over his shoulder as he walked and my heart clenched.

Why couldn’t I just have this? Why couldn’t this last? Even if I waited til the day before he left, two more weeks with Eli would never be enough. Nothing short of infinity would be.

“Okay, so murder’s off the table, but what about manslaughter?” I asked after we’d been walking for a few minutes. “Because I’m getting kinda sweaty and I’m starting to wonder if—

“Shush, you. Just wait. We’re almost—” Eli broke off and took my hand, pulling me around a tree trunk as the path made a final turn to the right. “Here,” he said, pulling me out into the sunlight. “This is what I wanted to show you.”

It was lovely. The path let out to a clearing on top of a ridge, looking out over a valley and across to another hill. There were some houses in the distance, but no one close by, and there was a pond down below. A footpath meandered down the hillside towards it and it was, I was pretty sure, the most peaceful place I’d ever seen.

“It’s beautiful,” I said. Eli smiled like I’d complimented him.

“I used to come here a lot,” he said. “Back when—well, whenever things got bad with my parents. It just kinda helped to feel far away from them, you know? Like this one piece of me was safe, and no one could touch it.”

“I can’t believe you brought me here.”

“Well, I wanted to.” Eli looked shy all of a sudden. He wandered over to stand under a large oak tree and I followed. “I want you to know how much you mean to me,” Eli went on. “I just want you to know every part of me. I don’t want to hide anything from you.”

The knife in my gut twisted and dug in. Could Eli sense it, I wondered? Why was he opening up even more, now, right when I had to end things?

“You mean more to me than anyone ever has.” I turned and took Eli’s hands in mine. “I love you more than anything, more than anyone. And you take my breath away every day.”

Eli tilted his chin up and I kissed him, pushing him back against the tree. It wasn’t enough. Nothing could ever be enough, nothing except keeping Eli forever, which I knew I couldn’t do.

I needed some way to show Eli everything he was to me, some way to transmit that love I had for him in a way that would last. Maybe he’d hate me for a while, but I wanted him to have this memory to hold onto in dark moments in the future. To believe that no matter what happened between us, no matter what anyone said, that I loved him. And always would.

I deepened the kiss, not letting Eli come up for air. I needed every piece of him. Our tongues tangled together as if I could somehow pass that love onto him through the kiss.

“Holy shit,” Eli breathed when I finally broke away—but only to start kissing my way down his neck, my hands going to his waist. He moaned as I ran my palm over his cock, feeling him beginning to harden. I sank to my knees.

“Nick, what are you doing?”

I looked up at him, my vision clouded with desire. More than desire—with need.

“Do you not want me to?” I moved my hands away from his zipper.

“No, I do.” Eli shook his head. “I just—where’s this coming from?”

“Can’t a guy want to suck his incredibly hot, sweet, smart, funny, kind, perfect, gorgeous boyfriend’s cock? Can’t he be desperate for it? Can’t he be so fucking overcome with emotion and not know what to say or have any way to express it, but figure giving this a try can’t hurt?”

“What emotion?” Eli asked, seeming hesitant.

“Love,” I told him. “I need you to know, to remember, always, how much I love you. Okay?”

Eli still looked confused. “Okay?”

“Also,” I added. “I might be a little horny. I had to ride the train out here all by myself, and I’ve already told you what I think about doing to you on trains.”

“We’re not on a train though.”

“And whose fault is that? Who insisted on taking me to a gorgeous forest glade instead?” I stroked him through his jeans and smiled when a moan escaped his lips. “Now shush. No more talking.”

Normally I’d have taken my time, but I didn’t think I could bear to wait another second. I needed Eli now. I shoved his jeans and boxer-briefs down quickly, wrapped my hand around the base of his cock, and guided him into my mouth. God, he was delicious. He moaned again as I sank down around him.

I loved how Eli never held back, how he let me know what felt good and trusted me to take care of him. It was almost too easy to read him, and I delighted in making his breath go short, his moans get higher pitched as I teased him, refusing to set a rhythm when I knew he wanted more.

“Nick, please, I need—I need—”

He couldn’t even finish the sentence, just dug his fingers into my hair and pulled me closer. I laughed, and I knew from his groan that he could feel the vibrations around his cock. I loved how pliable Eli was normally, how he almost seemed to want me to boss him around. But it was even hotter seeing him lose control completely and get demanding.

I was more than happy to let him bring my mouth where he needed it, to let him set the pace as his hips thrust forward. I stroked his balls and then flicked a finger back to stroke across his hole. Eli convulsed and tugged me closer, driving his cock into my mouth.

“Fuck, Nick, I’m gonna—”

I did it again, and again, as Eli’s movements got more forceful, more demanding, until he came, releasing down my throat. I kept my mouth around his cock, swallowing it all and waiting until he stopped shaking. Finally, Eli’s hands fell to his sides and his knees sagged as he looked down at me. He looked completely wrecked.

“You look so gorgeous like that,” I told him. He did—wide-eyed and flushed, his pupils dilated. He was staring at me like he wasn’t quite sure what planet he was on.

“I could say the same about you,” Eli said with a weak laugh.

I leaned back as he pulled his pants back up, then took his hand and brought him to lie down in the grass next to me, flicking a few acorns away that had fallen from the tree above. He turned onto his side and laid his head on my chest, his arm resting lightly across my ribcage. I loved the weight of his body on mine.

“Hey you,” I said.

“Hey back.” I could hear the smile in Eli’s voice.

“Thanks for bringing me here,” I said after a few minutes of contented silence.

The sun was streaming down through the leaves above our heads, creating fractals that shifted and danced in the breeze. I wished I could stop time, and just stay here with him forever.

“Thanks for coming.”

I snorted.

“What?” Eli asked.

“Thanks for ‘coming?’” I arched an eyebrow. “You’re not gonna make a joke about that?”

“I don’t have to,” Eli snickered. “Not when I’ve got you to do it for me. Glad to see I’m having a salubrious effect on you, though.”

“Salubrious, huh? Look at you with your college words.”

“Yeah, see,” Eli said. “I probably don’t even really need to go to college, if I can already use that word in a sentence.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“I know.” Eli pushed up on one elbow and grinned down at me. “Speaking of coming, though. You actually haven’t, you know.” His hand drifted down towards my waist.

“It’s okay.” I moved Eli’s hand back to my chest, squeezing it as I lay it across my heart.

His brow furrowed. “Wait, really?”

“Yeah.” I reached up and stroked his cheek. “I just want to look at you.”

“Nick, I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this, but it’s actually possible to look at someone while they give you head.”

“I know. I just meant that I don’t want you to feel like you have to reciprocate or something. I just want you to know how much I care about you. I want this to be a good memory.”

Eli frowned, then shook his head as if chasing a thought away.

“If you say so. But you’d think you’d want to take advantage of me while you can.”

“Take advantage?” I laughed. “Interesting choice of words.”

Eli rolled his eyes. “I was gonna say load up while you had the chance, but that sounded even worse.” He poked my chest. “I’m serious though. I know you’re gonna visit, but still—how’re you gonna survive without me? How am I going to survive without you?”

“You’re going to be too busy living your life to miss me. And I’ll be… I don’t know, finishing classes. Actually doing an internship this year that I don’t quit in the middle of. I’ll be okay.”

And there it was again—that faint frown on Eli’s face that vanished before I could open my mouth to ask what was wrong. Only this time Eli didn’t smile or change the subject. He just looked at me.

“What?” I asked, feeling a little nervous.

“I’m trying to decide how to tell you this,” Eli said. “Because I think you’re gonna be mad.”

“I’m never gonna be mad at you, baby.”

“Maybe let me finish before you say that.” Eli wrinkled his nose. “The thing is, I’ve uh—well, I’ve been looking into it and it turns out that Alexandria University in Queens actually has a pretty decent creative writing program. And I may or may not have contacted their admissions office to see about transferring, and it sounds like they do take mid-year transfers, and I’d just have to send them my—”

“Wait, wait, what?” I pushed myself up so suddenly that I knocked Eli backwards. I reached out to steady him, but he shook my hand off.

“It sounds like it wouldn’t actually be that hard to get in,” he continued. “And if I transferred there, I’d be living in the city—I mean, dorms at first, sure, but I’d actually be in the city, and I could see you every day, and you wouldn’t have to—”

“You are not transferring to Alexandria University,” I said firmly.

“Okay, I know I technically haven’t gotten in yet, but they’re a state school, so I don’t think it’s going to be a problem. And we’d be so much closer. Closer than we are now, even. Why wouldn’t I transfer?”

“Because it’s not what you want.”

“It is what I want.”

“You’ve wanted to go to Wrenville for years. You told me it’s the only place you’ve ever wanted to go.”

“But that was before I met you. Before we were together. Before I—” he broke off and stared at me as though seeing me clearly for the first time. “Do you really not want me to?”

“Yes. I really do not want you to do that.”

“Why, though?”

I opened my mouth to explain—and then realized that I couldn’t. Because out of nowhere, we were on the edge of the conversation I’d been avoiding all summer. A conversation we needed to have, but one I still wasn’t ready for.

Were you ever going to be ready for this?, a voice in the back of my mind asked. There’s no good time for this, and there was never going to be. You can’t stop this now.

Or rather, I could, but only if I told Eli it was fine to go through with his ridiculous plan to transfer. Which I couldn’t do. I wasn’t going to let him waste his life on something he was going to outgrow in a few years. I wasn’t going to let him stay with me and regret it.

“Because—because—” I stammered, my eyes dancing wildly around the clearing as I tried to find any way out of this. “I just—I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to make that decision so quickly. So early. Wrenville is nationally recognized. And even if you don’t remember how much you wanted to go there last fall, I do, and I’m not going to let you throw your future away just to be closer to me.”

“It’s not throwing my future away if it brings me closer to you. Why don’t you understand that?” Eli pleaded. “Nick, you are my future. This is it—I’m all in. There’s no more in for me to get. Why wouldn’t I do this? It just makes sense for us.”

“No.” I shook my head, willing my brain to work faster and come up with something to say that could end this conversation any other way. “No, it doesn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because—it’s just—you’re not thinking straight. I know you’re upset about leaving, I know this is a scary time, but you can’t make a big decision like this based on a relationship you happen to be in when you’re 19.”

“I’m almost 20.”

“Right, ‘cause that makes a huge difference.”

I knew that was mean, but I couldn’t make myself stop. Most of the time, I completely forgot Eli’s age. When it was just the two of us, it didn’t matter. But God did it matter now. And if he couldn’t see how rash he was being, that only underscored my point.

“Okay, number one, ouch.” Eli glared at me. “And number two, fuck you.”

“Eli, I’m sorry, that came out wrong. I’m just—” I ran a hand through my hair and tried to take a deep breath. My heart was beating incredibly fast. I was starting to get light-headed.

“And number three, what the fuck do you mean a relationship I ‘happen to be in?’” Eli asked angrily.

“I just really don’t think this is a good idea.” Why did I feel like I was dying? Like my life was slipping away before my eyes? This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. “Please, Eli, just listen to me.”

“I’m trying to listen, but you’re not making any sense. None of this makes any sense, except the part where I transfer to be closer to you, which anyone would think you’d want, unless for some reason you wanted to make our relationship harder and worse.”

I searched for words desperately. There had to be something I could say to get this to stop. To turn this around. There had to be some way to stave this off.

“You just can’t,” I said, my voice strangled. “I’m not going to let you do this.”

“What are you going to do to stop it? Break up with me?”

This time, no words came.