I waited for Nick to respond after sending the picture.

I knew it was a pretty dumb joke, but Nick fucking loved dumb jokes. I expected a pity laugh, at least. Something to make me feel less depressed about spending the day lying on the living room floor, studying for a calc test I was never going to pass anyway, while my mom paid bills and sorted papers in the next room.

“That doesn’t look like studying,” she said when I peeked at my phone again, willing Nick to respond.

“Sorry, yeah,” I said automatically. “I was just checking the time.”

That was even kind of true, because it had now been ten minutes since I’d texted Nick—not like I was counting or anything, except, oh wait, I totally was. And still, not a ‘lol’ to be seen.

With a sigh, I turned back to my binder, trying to go through the extra problem sets my teacher had sworn would help me prepare for the test if I went through them. She’d practically wink-wink, nudge-nudged me, so I was pretty sure they were really close to, if not actually the same as, the problems on Monday’s exam.

Not that it did me any good. It was like being told I’d have to hotwire a Ferrari on Monday, and being given a Nissan to practice on—it didn’t help one bit if you couldn’t figure out how to even open the door.

Half an hour and two stalled problems later and Nick still hadn’t texted me back. I was beginning to feel weird. There was no reason to think anything was wrong, exactly. I didn’t think I’d pissed him off with that picture. But then… why the radio silence?

At thirty-five minutes, I cracked. Shifting my position so my mom couldn’t see the phone in my hands, I texted Nick again.

ELI: Hey not to be weird or creepy but are you ok?

ELI: Totally fine if you’re just busy, I just convinced myself that since you hadn’t responded to my last text, you must have gotten hit by a bus or something, so if you could just let me know you’re alive that would be awesome

ELI: Ok I’ll uh stop being crazy now

But that last part was a lie, because I knew I wasn’t going to stop being crazy until I’d heard back from him. The longer I waited, the tighter the knot in my stomach got, and the more the numbers on the pages in front of me swam.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you pick up your pencil in the last 15 minutes,” my mom said.

She stood up from the dining room table and gave me a long look before walking into the kitchen. I sighed, grabbed my pencil, and then jumped when my phone finally buzzed.

NICK: Hey, I’m sorry. We just got bad news about my mom and I had to go to the hospital. I didn’t mean to ignore you, things just got crazy. I’m here now and it looks like she’s probably fine—I guess she got an infection somehow and it was making her sick? But the doctors say she’ll be okay. I think I’m gonna stay here for the night though. Sorry if I’m a little out of it. I didn’t mean to worry you and I promise I didn’t get hit by any busses

Relief, then sadness, washed over me. Fuck, I’d just been joking about the bus thing. I hadn’t even considered his mom. Poor Nick.

I didn’t know what to do, but I could just picture him sitting in some dark, sterile hospital room, trying to hold it together and not let his emotions show, and that thought made me even sadder.

ELI: Oh my god I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?

There had to be something.

NICK: Nah, I don’t really think so. We’re just kinda waiting now to make sure the medications they gave her have an effect. I appreciate the offer though, I really do. Thanks for checking up on me

I thought for a moment.

ELI: Would it help to have company?

ELI: I mean I’m sure your dad is there, but I could come visit if you just wanted someone else to sit with you

NICK: You don’t have to do that. Really, I appreciate the offer, but it’s just going to be a lot of boring sitting and waiting and I am sure you have like ten million other better things to do

ELI: I really don’t

ELI: I wouldn’t mind just sitting and waiting with you

ELI: Like unless you think it’d be weird with your dad

NICK: No, it’s not that. I just don’t want you to have to interrupt your day. Weren’t you supposed to be studying?

ELI: Oh my God, Nick, none of that matters right now

NICK: Yeah but what would you tell your parents?

ELI: I don’t know, I’ll think of something. Will you just ask your dad if it’s ok if I come?

I waited for Nick to respond, and let out a strangled noise when he finally did.

NICK: My dad’s actually not here right now. He’s on his way to Philly to pick up my mom’s sister to bring her here because her car’s in the shop and… it’s stupid and complicated. But you don’t have to come

He was there alone and he was still trying to tell me to stay home?

ELI: Too late. I’m coming. Just text me the address

I glanced up at my mom as she came back into the dining room. This wasn’t part of her plan for the day, obviously, but I thought I could swing her around with the right story. She was always very concerned with observing social proprieties.

“Hey, Mom?” I said, raising my voice a little and waiting till she looked over at me. “So, um, the reason I kept looking at my phone is because I was waiting to hear back from Caden. You know how I told you he saw his grandparents back in Seoul over winter break?”

Half an hour later, I was in my mom’s minivan driving towards the hospital. All it had taken was a little white lie about Caden’s grandma being sick and suddenly I was laden down with food and being sent to Caden’s house as his family took care of their supposedly ailing matriarch who had magically been transported from Korea to New Jersey. Lucky for me, my mom sort of looked down on Cadens’ parents for being so strict and religious—not that she was any better, in her own way—so she’d talked to them approximately three times in my life and wasn’t likely to check up on me.

I only got lost twice on the way, so it wasn’t long before I was pushing through the doors to a two story brick building that looked more like an office building than a hospital. I smiled at the receptionist and she sent me down the hall and to the left with assurances that the Sawyer family would be delighted to have a guest. I tried to ignore all the crucifixes on the walls.

I followed the instructions I’d been given and soon I was standing in front of a polished wooden door with a half window and curtains. There were little signs with prayers on them and homemade cards decorating the outside of it—it looked more like the door of your grandmother’s refrigerator than one that led into a hospital room.

I knocked twice, softly, then opened the door, clutching the canvas bag full of tupperware and groceries that my mom had given me and taking a tentative step into the room. The light was dim, but not in a creepy way. There was a lamp with a frilly shade next to a bed, and late afternoon light coming in through the windows.

I could see the shape of someone leaning over the bed, and as my eyes adjusted, the shape resolved into Nick. His face was a picture of tightly controlled fear and the next thing I knew, I was dropping my bag, crossing the room, and folding Nick into a wordless hug. Nick’s arms closed around me and I pressed my face to his chest.

Nick smelled warm and safe and melty, and don’t tell me those aren’t smells. He smelled like good coffee, and nutmeg, and fuzzy blankets and holding hands and watching the sunset from the tiny balcony in his apartment. He smelled like home.

“You came,” Nick whispered. He sounded amazed.

I pulled back just far enough to frown up at him. “Of course I came. I told you I would.”

“Yeah, but—” Nick shook his head wonderingly. “I just didn’t think—I didn’t know if anyone would—”

I frowned harder, and moved my hand for one second, just long enough to poke him in the chest, before hugging him again. “First of all, I’m not anyone. And second of all, why wouldn’t I come?”

Nick smiled sadly. “I guess I’m just not used to this. Telling people about my mom. And having them care.”

I squeezed Nick so hard that he grunted. “I care.”

I felt Nick smooth my hair, and a warm sort of shiver ran through my body. It almost felt like he’d kissed the top of my head—but I was pretty sure that that would have violated his rules. Still, I could have stayed like that forever, if I hadn’t abruptly remembered why I was there.

“How is she?” I asked, taking a step back.

“She’s—” Nick’s face contorted in pain for a second. “She’s fine, I guess? Better than she was before. The meds are working.”

“That’s good,” I said hesitantly. It was, wasn’t it? Why did Nick still look so sad?

“Yeah.” Nick smiled, but it wasn’t very convincing. “Yeah, it is.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Nick glanced over at the bed. “Nothing—nothing that can be fixed, anyway.”

Oh.

“Can I, um—” Nick closed his eyes for a second. “Can I introduce you to her?”

I wasn’t sure what he meant, exactly, if she were in a coma, but I nodded and let Nick guide me over to the bed. I stood by his shoulder, just a little behind him, as Nick bent down over the woman lying underneath a knit lavender blanket.

She was smaller than I expected. Frail looking, but aside from the tubes running into her arms, hooked up to various monitors and bags on the far side of the bed, there was nothing indicating she was sick. Her hair was white, but she still looked younger than I thought she would. It was hard to imagine that this tiny woman who Nick was hovering over now had hovered over him, too, when he was small.

The family resemblance was clear—there was no doubt they were related. She shared Nick’s pale skin, his long nose and angled cheekbones. On her face, though, Nick’s handsomeness softened into an old-fashioned, refined kind of prettiness.

As I watched, Nick bent down and kissed his mom on the forehead. Then he picked up her hand from where it lay on the blanket, holding it gently.

“Mom, we’ve got a visitor. This is Eli. He’s—he’s my boyfriend. And I wanted you to meet him.” He turned and gave me a small smile and a shrug. “I know it’s weird. But the doctors say talking to her can’t hurt, and we really don’t know what’s going on in her brain, so I—I don’t know, I tell her about my days and stuff, when I’m here.”

“It’s not weird.”

It wasn’t. It was sweet, and a little sad, but not weird. It was the most Nick thing I could think of, to be honest.

“I told her about you. Ages ago. Back when—God, everything was so different then. I never thought we’d—well, I didn’t think we’d ever be here, for one thing,” Nick said in a rush.

I blushed, hearing that. Nick kept his emotions so close to his chest, it was still hard to believe, sometimes, that he wanted me. He kept any problems he had even closer. For someone who was so good at helping other people with their struggles, he was incredibly quiet about his own.

But he’d let me come here, today. That had to count for something, didn’t it?

I took a step towards the bed, giving Nick a questioning look. He nodded, smiled, and passed his mom’s hand to me.

“Hi,” I said, smiling down at Nick’s mom. “It’s nice to meet you.” I laughed. “I have no idea what Nick’s told you about me, but I’m sorry to say, I’m probably just as annoying in real life as he made me sound.”

“I would never,” Nick objected, but he smiled at me fondly.

“Anyway, I’m more or less completely crazy about Nick, so if I have anything to say about it, you’ll hear a lot more about how annoying I am in the future, because I don’t plan on going anywhere.”

I darted a glance at Nick, and caught his eyes going wide for just a second before they went back to normal.

“Should I be insulted,” Nick asked, “that you think all I do is complain about you when you’re not around? Or should I be concerned about your self-esteem?”

I grinned. “Whatever makes you happy, pumpkin.”

“Come here,” Nick said, pulling me towards him again. This time, the kiss on top of my head was unmistakable. “What would I do without you?”

“I hope we never find out,” I said stoutly. Nick laughed and I could feel it against my chest.

“Sounds good to me.” Nick grew quiet for a moment, and I wondered if I should say something, or if maybe he just wanted some silence.

“I just get so scared, thinking about losing her,” Nick said softly.

I froze. I wasn’t even sure Nick was talking to me. He might have just been thinking out loud, his words were so faint. I didn’t want to miss a single one.

“It’s been so long that she’s been like this, you know? It’s easy to think it’ll be this way forever. But it’s—it’s not—” he cut off abruptly, sucking in a deep breath of air. “There just aren’t any guarantees, you know? And I just want to make her proud, and I have no fucking clue what I’m—”

He broke off and took another deep breath, but not before I heard the ragged edge to his words, the tears creeping into his voice.

Nick was crying. Nick, who never let anyone see how he was feeling, was crying. I wished with all my heart that I could give him strength, give him anything I had, to make it alright. To tell him that there was no way anyone could not be proud of him. I didn’t know much about physics, as my grades gave ample demonstration, but I was pretty sure that was a law of the universe.

I resolved right then not to push Nick for more than he could give. It was hard enough for him to open up at all. But he’d let me come here today. He’d let me in. I might never be able to show him how much that meant to me. But I could try.

“Hey, you okay?”

I poked Nick on the shoulder to get his attention. It was a few weeks after the scare with his mom, and Nick seemed like he was trying to forget about it. I’d asked him for an update on her health when I’d gotten into the city today—I knew he’d seen her in the middle of the week—but he’d just said she was fine, and changed the subject.

More particularly, that meant he’d started talking about his work with the Family Futures Project, and then a friend of his that had a connection to work, and then the fact that said friend turned out to be Ben Thomas. Apparently Nick was actually friends with Ben Thomas, and Adam Hart—two musicians whom I loved—and he’d just casually dropped that fact into the conversation like it was nothing.

Nick said they’d been with him the night we’d seen each other outside Adriatic, but evidently I’d been freaking out too much to notice. I’d asked how they’d met, and he’d trailed off in the middle of a sentence, and now appeared to be staring off across Tompkins Square Park, the strangest expression on his face.

“What?” Nick blinked, and looked back at me. “Yeah. No, sorry, I just—”

“We don’t have to keep talking about it,” I said quickly.

Who knew—maybe he felt weird, talking about his famous friends. I didn’t give a shit that they were famous—I just wanted to know more about Nick’s life. But I was trying to make good on my promise to myself, and not push him for more than he wanted to give.

“No, it’s not—” Nick laughed. “It’s not that. I mean, it’s a little complicated, how I met them, but no, I just got distracted by that dog over there.”

He pointed in the direction he’d been looking, and I realized there was a dog run over on the other side of the park.

“Which one?” There were too many dogs to tell.

“See the one that’s just lying there as its owners talk, chewing a stick?”

It took me a while to locate her, but eventually I saw what he was looking at. A shaggy golden retriever was flopped on the scrubby grass, chewing a stick so big it really would have been more accurate to call it a log, while two old men, one of whom was holding the leash, talked to a young woman with curly hair and a bright purple fleece.

“She’s cute,” I said, still not sure what was so special about that dog in particular.

“She looks like Chuckles,” Nick said, smiling faintly. “I wonder if she likes jelly beans.”

It took me a second. Chuckles? Who was—

“Oh my God, she does.”

I don’t know if there’s a word for the feeling that hit me then—this kind of warmth that rushed over me like a wave, with little splashes of surprise and delight. Nick still remembered that conversation? Nick remembered details of that conversation, ones that even my insane brain hadn’t bothered to store?

I smiled incredulously. “I can’t believe you remembered that.”

“Did you grow up with pets?” Nick asked, a sad smile on his face.

“No. I wanted a dog when I was little, but my parents thought I was too emotional to be ‘trusted with that kind of responsibility.’ They kept telling me that maybe I could get one when I was older, but I kept growing and they kept saying no. Around age 12, I stopped asking. Why?”

“We never had pets either,” Nick said. “At first it was my mom’s allergies. But after we had to move her to the hospital, it became an issue of expense. It was hard to justify spending money on a pet when we could barely afford her care.”

Nick glanced down and frowned at a crocus that was trying to push its way up through a clump of old leaves and a Doritos bag that had gotten squashed and crumpled under the winter snows. He bent and began pulling the detritus away as he spoke.

“It’s funny, the things we attach to. For some reason, getting a dog became this thing for me.” He pushed the leaves away, creating a rough circle around the crocus, and grabbed the Doritos bag. “I convinced myself that if I got one, my life would just magically transform. Because if I had a dog, I’d become the kind of person who had a dog—the kind of person who went to farmers markets and knew how to cook, who lived in an old house that always smelled like chocolate chip cookies, with a wraparound porch with a swing and an apple tree in the yard. The kind of person who never had any problems again.”

“Oh.”

“I know that’s not how it works. But…” Nick shrugged as he stood up, still clutching the wrinkled, empty bag of chips. “Sometimes, I just find myself wishing my life were different. Does that sound awful?”

He gave me a worried look, and it hit me again—that same feeling I’d gotten in the hospital. Tenderness as big as an ocean.

“It doesn’t sound awful at all.” I reached out and took the bag from him, then took his hand. “We all wish things were different, don’t we? Wishing things were different, thinking about the future—that’s the only way I’ve been able to stay sane these past few years.”

“Yeah, but you’re actually going to get to live that future. I’m always going to be stuck here.” Nick closed his eyes for a second. “Jesus, that really is awful. I have so much to be thankful for. And I love my mom. I just…”

He trailed off and I fixed him with a firm look.

“Of course you love your mom. Wishing things could be different doesn’t change that.”

“Thanks.” Nick smiled, but I wasn’t sure he believed me, and his eyes still looked kind of sad. If he’d been trying to avoid us talking about his mom, we’d clearly failed on that front.

“Can I ask a very important question?”

“Of course.”

I pointed back to the golden retriever in the dog run.

“I thought Chuckles was supposed to be an old dog. But this one looks middle-aged, at most. Not that I’m complaining or anything. I just want to make sure I understand the details of our future life.”

Nick laughed. “You know, I think it’s less about the age of the dog, and more about their spirit. Chuckles’ inherent Chucklesness is just going to shine through whenever we meet her, I think. She could be a puppy for all I care. It’s the soul-bond that matters.”

“Good to know.” I grinned as we started walking again, stopping at a trashcan along the way to dump the chips bag. “You can expect thirty puppies for your birthday then. I’m sure we can find a Chuckles among them.” I turned to him as a thought occurred to me. “Hey, when is your birthday, anyway? I don’t actually think I know.”

Nick’s voice was nonchalant, but his cheeks colored faintly. “It was actually a few weeks ago?”

“Oh.”

Something hit me with those words. Not quite strong enough to be a punch to the gut. More like a mildly cold-shoulder to the heart, maybe? Nick’s birthday had passed—while we were dating—and he hadn’t told me about it. Why?

“Do you hate your birthday or something?” I asked, trying to keep smiling. “Like, do you just not celebrate it?”

“No. I just—I don’t know, it didn’t seem like a big deal. To be honest, I almost forgot about it this year.”

“Did you do anything for it?” I knew I should stop pressing. This was exactly the opposite of what I’d said I’d do. But I couldn’t seem to help it.

“Not really. My friends—I mean, some of them, they took me out for brunch.”

“Oh,” I said again, turning the information over in my mind. I didn’t know why it felt like such a big deal, Nick not telling me about his birthday, but it did. “Oh.”

I smiled and tried to think of something to say to change the subject, but I couldn’t.

“It was actually the day my mom got sick,” Nick said after a moment. “I was—I was at brunch with my friends when my dad called.”

“Right.” Well now I felt like an asshole, making this whole thing about me. “Yeah, no, it makes total sense that it wasn’t—I mean, it clearly was not the most important thing going on that day.”

Nick tugged my hand and turned me to face him.

“Hey,” he said gently. “Will you tell me what’s going on? I feel like I’ve upset you, and I won’t know how to not do that again, if you don’t tell me.”

“It’s nothing,” I said, feeling stupid now. “It’s just…” Fuck, what was it, actually, that bothered me? “When you say you were out with your friends, I get that. Of course you were. They care about you and they wanted to take you out to brunch and that’s great and I’m glad you had a nice birthday, up until—well, you know. And I get why I wasn’t invited. I know you don’t want them to—to know about us.” Saying that stung, but it was true. I did understand, even if I didn’t like it. “I just hate feeling like I’m separate from the rest of your life, I guess? Like I’ll never meet your friends. Like I’m just this—this dirty secret that you’re ashamed of. And I get why things are the way they are, and dammit, I told myself I wasn’t going to push you for more than you could—fuck—”

I was crying now, right there in the middle of the park, making a scene when I’d promised myself I wouldn’t do that anymore.

“Oh, Eli.” Nick pulled me into a hug. “Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize. I shouldn’t have kept it a secret from you. It’s not stupid. And you’re not a dirty secret, I promise.”

I just let him hold me. I wasn’t asking him to do anything differently—there wasn’t anything he could do. It just felt nice to be held. Besides—he’d called me sweetheart. Nick had never called me a pet name before.

“I’m really not putting you in a fair situation, am I?” Nick said, finally, when he let me go. He reached out and brushed a piece of hair out of my eyes. “I should have told you about my birthday.”

“No, it’s okay.” I felt abashed, suddenly. Nick was being so sweet, and I’d clearly overreacted. “I was making too big a deal out of it. Big surprise there—me being too emotional about something. I’m trying to stop doing that.”

“Hey, you weren’t being too emotional. Don’t you dare try to change that. I like you, and I like your emotions.” Nick smiled hesitantly as we started walking again. “I don’t know if this is much consolation, but you’re the first person I’ve dated who’s met my mom. And Eli, the way I feel about you is—”

“No, really, it’s okay,” I interrupted.

I didn’t want Nick to feel like he had to make some big declaration just to make me feel better. He was already doing the best he could, which was, for the record, really amazing. Given our situation, what else could I really ask Nick for? The guy had asked me what seemed fair to me, that morning in January, and I’d told him I’d take what I could get. I was being silly.

“It’s not okay,” Nick protested. “I should have told you, and I really am sorry.”

“Ugh, fine, you’re a terrible monster who treats me awfully, is that what you want me to agree to?” I grumbled.

“Well, it’s a start.”

“How about this,” I said as we reached the edge of the park and waited for the light to change. “Pick a new day and we’ll make it your second birthday, and we can celebrate that one together.”

“Are you serious?” Nick laughed.

“Absolutely. Come on, you said you wish you’d told me your birthday, so—pick a new one, and we get a do-over.”

“Ummm… April 17th?”

I frowned. “That’s like, a month from now.”

“And?”

“You didn’t think very hard about that. Are you just picking something soon to get me to shut up?”

“Excuse you, I thought very hard about it. I like the number 4 and I like the number 17. They’re both lucky numbers for me. Plus, it’s after Tax Day, so it’ll be like a nice, non-stressful reward for getting through that.”

“Hmmph.” He wasn’t supposed to actually have an answer for that.

“Now you pick one.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. If I have to, you do too.”

“Fine. August 14th.”

“That’s your actual birthday. Try again.”

I gaped at Nick. “How do you know my birthday?”

“Because checking your birthday was literally the first thing I did when I got back from the con at Seagrass,” Nick said with a snort.

“But I told you I was 19.”

“You told me you were 19. But if you think I wasn’t terrified that you were lying and were actually a minor, then you’re giving me and my anxiety way more credit than you should.”

“And you remembered it?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I?”

“Um, okay, how about December 31st?”

“New Year’s Eve?”

“Well, yeah—but also, it’s the birthday on my fake ID, so it’s kind of my birthday already.”

Nick snorted. “Then perfect. I’ve always hated New Year’s Eve anyway, with everyone judging you for how cool your plans are. Celebrating your birthday instead sounds amazing. Besides, I definitely prefer the idea of you spending New Year’s with me than going and getting any more use out of your fake ID. We’ll do cake and presents and make it a whole thing.”

I flushed. Did that mean Nick still saw us as being together come December 31st? I got that warm, tingly feeling again.

“That,” I told him, “sounds excellent.”

“Wait, so you have to get him a birthday gift, but for a fake birthday?” Aisling said, sweeping her broom along the floor and pushing a pile of fur and kibble into the dustpan I was holding.

I’d stopped by to visit her at the animal shelter because my mom was driving me crazy, but I couldn’t go into the city this weekend. I was supposed to start hearing back from colleges any day now, and my mom couldn’t stop talking through every possible scenario and what that meant for my future.

Well, no—not every possible one, because the scenarios she seemed to think were the most likely were ones where I didn’t get in anywhere and had to live at home and go to community college instead. What was it she’d said, just before I’d finally left the house in frustration?

‘Maybe it’s for the best anyway. That way we can take care of you until you can take care of yourself.’

If I were being one hundred percent honest, though, it’s not like I hadn’t thought about how maybe, staying closer to home for school wouldn’t be the worst thing. Because if I didn’t get into Wrenville, and didn’t have to go to Minnesota, well—I’d get to stay a lot closer to Nick.

It felt crazy and way too early to be thinking things like that. But Nick filled my mind and my heart and my days, even when I didn’t get to see him. I just wanted to be around him. Was that such a bad thing, to let that influence my college choice?

“Hey, you gonna answer me or are you just gonna sit on the floor daydreaming?” Aisling asked, waving her hand in front of my face as she came over to grab the dustpan.

“Sorry.” I blinked and stood, following her out of the kennel. “But yeah. I missed his real birthday, so I told him we had to do a makeup one. But now he won’t tell me what he wants, he just keeps saying spending time with me is the real gift.”

I rolled my eyes and Aisling laughed.

“Only you would find a way to be annoyed at someone saying something that sweet to you.”

“No, I mean, it is sweet. I just—I wanna give him something that shows how much he means to me.”

“You’re so fucking cute, it’s disgusting.” Aisling shook her head, then hung the dustpan and broom up on the wall. “Just let me go mark this off the schedule, and then we can let the doggos back in.”

I frowned. “Didn’t it just rain yesterday? They’re gonna be all muddy when they come in, and you just cleaned.”

“Hey, you don’t need to convince me it doesn’t make any sense.” Aisling held her hands up in defense. “I just do what they tell me.”

I followed her to the office, but the phone rang just as she stepped inside and she picked it up with an apologetic look. I waited a bit, but it seemed like it was going to be a while, so I found myself wandering back to where the dogs had been allowed to play outside. They didn’t usually let groups of them out at once, but Dottie, the office dog, had just had a litter of puppies and as soon as I stepped outside, I was met with an excited tidal wave of fur and tails and yips.

“Oh my God, Aisling didn’t tell me how cute you guys all were,” I told them, sinking to my knees immediately. “She didn’t tell me you’re the most beautiful, angelic beings to ever walk the earth.”

There were five puppies—or maybe six, they were moving so fast that it was hard to count—and they clambered all over me in a tangle of floppy ears, wet noses, and tails that wagged so hard they gave me whiplash. One of them in particular caught my eye.

“You look like Chuckles,” I cooed, scooping up the puppy in question. Aside from the white patches on her chest and paws, she looked exactly like a miniature version of Chuckles from the park. She licked my face enthusiastically and I laughed.

“Nick would love you,” I informed her solemnly. She greeted this news with a full-body wriggle and an attempt to nibble on my finger, and suddenly, I had an idea.

I set Chuckles 2.0 back down into the muddy grass, pulled my phone out of my pocket, and sat. I could feel my jeans start to get damp immediately, but it didn’t matter—I was already covered in muddy paw prints, and a mostly white puppy with brown and blond spots was actually in the process of smearing mud across my knees. It was too late to start caring about keeping myself clean.

Biting my lip to keep from laughing, I turned on the camera function on my phone and swiped it over to video. Holding the phone up in the air, I struggled to keep a straight face as I hit record.

“Nick,” I said as seriously as I could manage, “I’ve been thinking long and hard about what I could get you for your birthday that would convey the depth of my feelings for you. Now, you’ve explicitly forbidden me from sending you racy pictures, and I know I have to respect that. But you never said anything about videos, so I thought for your birthday I’d make you a dirty video of me and…” I scooped Chuckles 2.0 up with one hand and held her up to the camera “…puppies!”

The dog pulled her enthusiastic licking routine again, but this time, the target of her licks was the screen of my phone and I yelped, trying to pull it away from her.

“This is Chuckles 2.0,” I went on, trying to hold the phone far enough away that she couldn’t reach it. “Or Baby Chucks, as I like to call her. Obviously she loves you a lot and is very excited to wish you a happy birthday.” I set Chuckles 2.0 down and picked up another puppy at random. “This one is Chortles—” Chortles wiggled in my hand and yipped, so I set him down, “—and this is Giggles.” I picked up another puppy who was trying to eat the cuff of my sweatshirt, and she squirmed, annoyed that I’d interrupted her.

“Maybe better to stop picking them up,” I said to the camera. “So we’ll go on a little tour to find the others, shall we?” I turned the camera to the ground, searching for the other puppies I hadn’t introduced to Nick yet. I zoomed in on two who were wrestling a couple feet away, naming them Haha and Hoho, and scanned the yard, looking for the last one—until I realized I still had a puppy in my lap, who got very curious about the phone being guided towards her face.

“This,” I intoned, “is Guffaw, and she loves you the most of all, and wanted to tell you to—hey, stop that—” I scolded her as she tried to eat my phone.

I pulled it away from her, but lost my balance in the process and fell back onto the grass with a thud. I was immediately covered in puppies, climbing on top of me, digging at my clothes, and just generally treating me like a jungle gym. Their feet tickled and someone’s tail kept smacking me in the face and by the time I got myself upright and managed to stop laughing, I was absolutely covered in dirt, grass, and dog hair. I smiled sheepishly back at the camera.

“Okay, that got a little out of control, but suffice it to say, we’re all very pleased to wish you a happy birthday, and I—” I broke off, feeling a little self-conscious. “I just wanted to tell you how happy I am that you’re in my life, and that you literally make every single day better and I know that’s creepy and I should probably edit this out but whatever, I’m high on puppies right now and I just wanted you to know how much I miss you and how much I love—” my breath caught “—love every minute I get to spend with you,” I finished, hoping he wouldn’t notice my hesitation. “Okay, I guess that’s it. Happy birthday, Nick.”

I stopped the video and looked down at Guffaw, who had found her way back into my lap. I picked her up with both hands and brought her to my face.

“I love him,” I told her, unable to keep the touch of wonder out of my voice. “I love him.”

The words had been crinkling around the edges of my brain for the past few weeks—for months, even—but I’d been trying to ignore them. It felt too soon, and I didn’t want to freak Nick out. Besides, I’d told myself, I was only 19. What did I know about being in love? This was probably just infatuation. It would disappear with time.

But it hadn’t.

And it wasn’t infatuation. It was deep, clear, and real, right in the center of me. I loved Nick.

“So this is what it feels like,” I said, smiling at Guffaw.

She licked me, as if to say yes. This is what it feels like. This is love.