Nightclub Sins: A Billionaire Romance Series by Michelle Love (6)

I rested my forehead against hers when our kiss ended. “Hi there, fiancé.”

“Hi to you, too, fiancé.” She giggled softly. “I’ve got to get Calum up and get him ready for school.”

“Have Max drive you two. I’ve got a meeting this morning and a few things to do after that.” Taking out the credit card I’d taken from my wallet for her, I slipped it into her hand. “And have Max take you to Rodeo Drive. I want you to do a bit of shopping today. That enormous closet looks a little empty right now.”

“Oh, no, August. I can’t…” she tried to protest.

But I kissed her again, putting an end to her protests. “You can, and you will. And buy Calum a bunch of new clothes, too. And don’t skimp at all. I want my family looking sharp. When I come home, I’m going to inspect the closets, and I better see them close to bursting. I do realize you can only do so much shopping in a day, but I want to see a lot more in there, including shoes and underclothes, too. Buy yourself some sexy underwear and bras, too—don’t forget about those.”

She shook her head as she looked at me. “August, that’s just not me.”

“Fine, I’ll have a personal shopper do that then if you’re going to refuse.” I would get my way, one way or another.

“Fine,” she admitted with a sigh of defeat. “I’ll do it.”

“You know, Tawny, most women would be over the moon if a billionaire handed them a credit card—one that has no limit by the way—and told them to go crazy.” I kissed the tip of her little turned up nose, ending my lecture.

“I know. Thank you,” she conceded. “I’ll try to get used to being spoiled rotten.”

“Yes, you will, because I aim to spoil both of you rotten, and when our next one comes along, they’ll get the same treatment.” Moving one hand down between us, I ran it over her flat stomach. “You can ditch the birth control pills now.”

She blinked at me. “Are you sure, August? I mean, you want to get married, and that’s going to be a lot on its own. You sure about bringing a baby into this so quickly?”

“We already have one kid, so why wait?” I couldn’t say I liked her line of questioning. Why should we wait? What did it matter?

“Well, okay then. I’ll stop taking my pills. But it’ll take a little while for them to get completely out of my system, months actually.” She ran her hands up and down my arms as she looked at me. “So, don’t get upset when it doesn’t happen right away, okay?”

“Okay,” I said, then pecked her cheek. “I’ve got to run. I’ll be back by dinner time tonight. You have a great day shopping, and don’t you dare forget to eat some lunch. Hell, call a girlfriend to go with you—treat her to a day out, too.”

“August, I don’t have any friends here yet. I haven’t started working, so I haven’t had many opportunities to make friends since I moved here.” She looked down but then looked back at me. “Hey, do you think Leila would like to join me?”

“I know she would. Give her a call after you drop Calum off at school, and see if she’s free.” With one more kiss, I left her and headed off to my meeting.

Gannon and Nixon were already at the King’s Road Café when I got there, though our foreman had yet to show. Scones and coffee had already been served, so I took a seat and helped myself. “How are you gentlemen doing this fine morning?”

Gannon’s eyes were bright. “I’m doing pretty damn good, considering all the shit that’s come my way lately.”

Nixon chuckled as he sipped his steaming hot coffee. “Would that little blonde babysitter have anything to do with that?”

“She might,” Gannon said as he winked at our other business partner. Then his eyes fell on me. “And you look like you’ve got extra pep in your step as well, August. Any particular reason for that?”

“Well, I found out yesterday that I’m a father to a six-year-old boy. His mother and I had one night of mind-blowing sex the night before I left for boot camp, producing a child that she’s just confessed is mine.” The waiter came up, interrupting my news. He stood, poised for my drink order without saying a thing. “Espresso macchiato, please.” He hurried off to get my drink, and I turned my attention back to my friends.

“And you’re happy about it, so that means it’s with a woman you like,” Nixon said. “So, both you guys are fathers. Well, now I feel left out—not that I wish some random woman would show up and tell me I’ve fathered a child.”

I nodded. “The mother of my child isn’t some random woman. She and I were neighbors back home—I’ve known her as long as I can remember. I’ve already asked Tawny to marry me. That’s her name, by the way, and my son’s name is Calum.”

Nixon smiled. “Way to go. I’m glad you’ve found someone. I’m actually a little jealous—to tell you the truth, I can’t get this one girl off my mind. We had one crazy Halloween night, and she’s been stuck in my head ever since. But that wasn’t that long ago, so maybe this feeling will fade, who knows?”

Gannon laughed. “I’m asking Brooke to marry me on Thanksgiving at her family’s get-together. Wish me luck, guys. Her brother Brad is my best friend, and I’ve been told to keep my hands off his baby sister. As if I could help that. She’s the most lovable woman I’ve ever met. So, I’ll face Brad and the rest of her family’s wrath if I must to make her mine in every way possible.”

I didn’t envy Gannon with that mess. “At least I don’t have to worry about Tawny’s family. She’s an only child, so there’re no siblings to deal with there. And her parents don’t seem to interfere too much in her life. I think Tawny and I have found what everyone looks for. True love.” I looked at the waiter as he brought the drink to me, placing it in front of me on the table.

“Are you three ready to order?” he asked us.

“Not yet,” Gannon informed him. “We have one more coming.”

With a nod the waiter left us, and we got back to our conversation. Nixon mused, “So, this grand opening we’re having won’t be at all like we initially envisioned. For you guys, anyway. I’m still a free man. Hey, maybe Katana will call me, and I can invite her to be my date for that night!”

Gannon looked at Nixon with wide eyes. “You don’t have her number?”

“Nah, it was a one-night thing, but I gave her mine just in case.” Nixon looked hopeful. “Maybe she’ll call. I hope she calls.”

I laughed. “You sound like you really like this girl, Nixon.”

He nodded, and then took a sip of his coffee. “When we came up with this grand idea to open a nightclub for the uber-wealthy, part of the plan was for us to score hot chicks. Now that’s not even on the agenda for any of us, really.”

“Who knew?” Gannon added.

There we sat, three friends who’d gone into a business venture together with the grand fantasies of single men. Only now we all seemed to be preoccupied with special women. It seemed we’d never get to have even one night of unadulterated philandering.

But they’d both had years of living that kind of life, and I’d had my fair share as well. How funny that things change so quickly.

Things were going much better than I had ever expected, and my life was changing for the better with each passing moment. Things could only get better from here.

Chapter 21

Tawny

When I realized my sapphire ring was missing, I had a pretty good idea where it had gone. August had to have taken it to use it to buy me an engagement ring. That didn’t surprise me one bit.

I’d spent the day shopping with Leila, and we had a very nice time. With her help, I actually made a lot of purchases and was waiting patiently for August to come home so I could show him just how much I’d added to Calum’s closet as well as mine.

But the hours ticked by and finally, at seven in the evening, he graced us with his presence. We’d been waiting in the main living area which was right behind the foyer. I thought that would be the best place if we wanted to see him when he first arrived home.

Calum ran to August as he came through the doorway. “Dad!”

“Calum!” August shouted right back at him. Picking him up, I noticed him whispering something to our son, and Calum’s little head nodded in a fast motion. “Good, glad you agree.”

August was up to something, and I sidled up to him, my arms open wide. “Good evening.”

“Ah, did you miss me?” he asked as he put Calum down, so I could hug him.

“A little,” I said as he moved into my arms. The way his body wrapped around me made my heart skip a beat. I loved being in his arms.

When our hug ended, August got down on one knee and looked up at me, still holding my left hand. “Tawny Susan Matthews, would you do me the great honor of becoming my lawfully wedded wife?”

“Um, yeah,” I said as I rolled my eyes. “I told you yes last night.”

Narrowing his eyes at me, he whispered, “I’m doing this for him.”

Oh! For Calum!

“Oh, then my answer is yes. Yes, my one and only true love, I will marry you.”

He pulled something out of his pocket and flipped the lid of a small black box. Inside was a sparkling solitaire that looked like it cost a small fortune. Now I was surprised, and my free hand flew to cover my gaping jaw. “August!”

“Ah, now that’s the reaction I was looking for.” He slipped the ring on my finger, and Calum came to look at it.

“Man, that’s big, Momma.” Calum took my hand to get a closer look at the ring. “So, my dad will be your husband, just like in real families. This is great!”

Rising from his position on the floor, August placed his hands on my hips then kissed my lips. “Thank you, baby.”

I looked at the ring then back at him. “Thank you, too.”

August turned away, picking up Calum and then taking my hand. He took us to sit on one of the sofas, placing Calum on his knee. “We’d like to talk to you about something, Calum.”

I looked at August with a questioning expression. “Oh, we would?”

August nodded then pointed at my tummy. “Yeah, we would.”

Now I understood, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk to my six-year-old about a thing like that. “August, maybe it’s a bit too soon. And he’s already had one big shot of news today with the marriage.”

“Well, I think he should know,” August argued.

Huffing with resolve, I nodded. I knew August’s tenacity would win out in the end anyway. “Proceed.”

Calum looked back and forth at us. “What’s up?”

August took the lead. “Calum, what do you think about becoming a big brother?”

Calum looked at me. “Are you gonna have a baby, Momma?”

“No, there’s not one in my tummy yet. But your daddy and I would like to have one. Is that something you’d be okay with?” I asked my son.

Calum looked at August with a thoughtful expression. “But I just got you, and if you have a baby then I’ll have to share you.”

“Calum, you’re my oldest son. My very first child. You’ll always have a place in my heart that no one else will ever have.” August ran his hand over Calum’s head. “I promise that you and I will spend tons of time together, no matter who or what comes along. And you’d get to help a lot with the baby too, you know. You’d get to be a big brother—the oldest of the family your mom and I would like to have.”

“That might be fun,” Calum said as he looked up at the ceiling, thinking.

“I’d like to have a big family, Calum. That would mean you’d have lots of kids—brothers and sisters—to play with. You’d never be lonely.” August took him by the chin. “You’ll never be alone.”

“Well, I think it’ll be okay then,” Calum said. “So, go ahead, have a baby if you want to.”

“Glad to have your blessing, son,” August said then kissed him on the forehead. “Now, I’ve got one more thing I want to talk to you about.”

“What else could there possibly be, August?” I asked him, as I thought Calum already had too much on his plate as it was.

“The sleeping situation,” he informed me. “I want you to sleep in my room with me.”

Sucking in air, I couldn’t believe what he’d blurted out. “August!”

Calum was the one to say something first. “Don’t mommies and daddies sleep in the same room, Momma?”

August answered him, “Yes, they do, Calum. But you seem to have a little habit of getting into your momma’s bed in the middle of the night, and that might be a problem.”

“Why?” Calum asked as he looked at August. “I can just come to your bed and climb in.”

My brows rose as I looked at my fiancé, who seemed to think he knew more than I did where Calum was concerned. “Now, how do you plan to explain that, August Harlow?”

“Easy,” he said with a wink. “Well, you could do that, Calum. But I was thinking you could get used to sleeping the whole night in your own bed. You see, that way you’ll be a good influence on your younger brothers and sisters when they come along and face the same problem you’re having.”

“Oh, I don’t think it’s a problem,” Calum said as he shook his head. “I just like snuggling with Momma is all.”

“Me, too,” August said, making me blush.

Calum nodded. “She’s very cozy.”

“I agree,” August added. “Maybe we can come up with a deal, so she doesn’t get sick of us snuggling her all the time. I get her at night, and you get her all day.”

Calum chewed his lower lip as he thought about that. “Well, maybe that might be okay. But how ’bout this idea. If I wake up, and I’m feeling scared, can Momma come sleep with me then?”

August smiled, and he reached out to shake our son’s little hand. “That’s a deal, son.”

As they shook hands, I sighed, knowing my life really was changing—and fast.

After we ate dinner and gave Calum a bath, we tucked him in, August reading him a book while I sat on the other side of our son, stroking his hair. The way Calum looked at us both made my heart swell with joy.

My little boy was finally getting to feel what his friends had felt their whole lives, the love of a mother and father who adored him.

We stayed with him until he’d fallen asleep. True to what his father had told him just after dinner, there was a baby monitor placed on the nightstand next to his bed. All he had to do if he woke up and was afraid was call out to me, and I’d come running. August had placed the receiving monitor on the nightstand on the right side of his bed, which he told me was mine now.

August was trying hard to make things work perfectly. And so far, everything was going the way he wanted—and I loved it all, too.

Somehow August made Calum do things I couldn’t. And he did so without hurting our son. More love built up in my heart for the man with each passing day.

When we climbed into bed that first night, I felt a sense of relief. No longer did I have to carry all the responsibility of raising our son on my shoulders alone. Now there was a father to share that with. And soon he’d be my husband, and we’d grow our family together.

In my wildest dreams, I had never imagined my life turning out like this.

We made love that night, soft and sweet. Our bodies moved together like they’d been built just for each other. He moved with soft thrusts, and I arched up to meet each one. Our love filled the entire room as we simultaneously climaxed.

He brushed my hair back as he looked into my eyes. “I love you more than you can even understand, baby.”

“I understand perfectly because I love you that much too.” I kissed his bearded cheek and ran my hand over the tattoo on his left pec. Semper Fi was written in text, surrounded by guns, an eagle, and a chopper. Quite the work of art, and I loved the way it looked on him.

My marine was one rugged man. He would always be my hero.

Falling asleep in his arms was like heaven to me. Though I was a little annoyed when he’d brought it up, I couldn’t be happier that he’d made our son feel comfortable with us being able to do this.

Life would be fantastic with August by my side.

Hours had passed when my eyes suddenly flew open, my sleep disturbed by August as he tossed and turned beside me. Some mumbled words came from him, and I reached over to shake him awake. “August, wake up, you’re having a bad dream.”

His left arm flew back, smacking me in the face. I tasted blood right away, my lip busted from the blow. “August!” I shouted and moved back.

Blood was rolling down my arm as my hand covered my mouth. I rolled over and over until I got to the edge of the huge bed. Grabbing some tissue off the nightstand, I held it to my lip and went to the bathroom as August continued to move around, mumbling indiscernible things in his sleep.

The bathroom light turned on remotely as I entered the room, the way all the lights in the house did. I found my lower lip had been split pretty good, but it wouldn’t need stitches. Wetting a cloth, I held it to my lip until the bleeding stopped, then headed back into the bedroom to try to wake August without getting hit this time.

The blankets were a mess as he tossed back and forth before sitting up abruptly, his eyes open and scanning the room.

“August,” I said in a calm voice. “Are you awake?”

“You!” he shouted as his eyes came to rest on me. Then he looked over his shoulder as if he saw someone else there. “Get her!” he shouted as he pointed at me.

“August, stop!” I shouted as he got off the bed, coming toward me. “No! Wake up, dammit!”

I was only a few steps out of the bathroom, and I quickly turned to lock myself in. When he saw I planned to retreat into the bathroom, he sped up. His hands caught me by the throat. “I’ve got the spy.”

I couldn’t say a thing as he’d cut off my wind. Then he lifted me by the throat until my feet left the ground. I struggled and hit him to make him let me go, but my efforts proved to be futile.

Once more, he looked back over his shoulder as if someone was talking to him. “Yes, sir,” he said, and then placed my feet on the ground, releasing his grip on my throat. “On your knees. Don’t even think about trying to get away or I’ll kill you, you damn spy.”

I went to my knees, gasping to get air into my lungs. Then I saw his feet walking away from me as he barked an order to some imaginary soldier, “Take her to camp.”

Crawling on my hands and knees as fast as I could, I made it into the bathroom. Closing and locking the door behind me, I took a few minutes to breath and calm down before filling two cups with cold water and heading back out. I found August still in his dream-like state, glaring at me.

“How’d you get away from my men, you dirty spy?” he bellowed as he moved toward me.

Once he was close enough, I tossed both cups of water in his face, and he stopped solidly in place. Shaking his head, he wiped his face with his hands. The look in his eyes had changed, and August was back. “August!”

He blinked as he looked at me. “Your lip’s busted.”

My chest heaved as I tried hard not to cry, but failed miserably. Breaking down, I ended up on the floor, a puddle of emotion.

“Baby, what’s happening?” he asked as he scooped me up. “Did you fall and hit your mouth on something?”

Carrying me to the bed, he laid me down then ran his hands over his face once more. “Why am I wet?”

I had to pull myself together to explain what happened. So, breathing deep, I choked back the sobs and sat up. “You had some kind of a dream. Your arm flew back and connected with my face when I tried to shake you awake. Then you…” I broke down again.

I’ve never considered myself to be weak. I’d stayed in control through some terrible situations since I first became a nurse, but this was different.

I wasn’t safe with the man I loved. What the hell could we do when he wasn’t in control of himself while he slept?

“I hit you?” he asked, as he sat down on the bed beside me.

With a nod, I answered his question. “Then you called me a spy and started choking me.”

He reached out, pushing my hair back, looking at the marks his hands must’ve left on my neck. “My God!” Horror filled his expression. “I’ve hurt you.”

We stared at one another for the longest time, both of us knowing this was too serious to ignore. After a while he got up, walked around the bed, grabbed the baby monitor and came back to me. We were both naked, as we’d fallen asleep that way after making love. He didn’t bother to put anything on either of us as he scooped me up his arms then took me to my old bedroom, placing me in that bed. “You’re safe here.”

He turned to leave, and I couldn’t stop myself as I called out, “Don’t. Don’t leave me, August.”

Without looking back at me, he shook his head. “I can’t put you in danger. I’ll go see my therapist first thing in the morning. I love you. Try to get some sleep.”

With that, he left me alone in my bedroom. And as I laid there, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something terrible had intercepted all the joy we’d found. And my heart hurt because I didn’t know if I could feel safe here anymore.

Going to my closet, I put on some pajamas then went to Calum’s room. Locking the door behind me, I climbed into his bed, pulling him to cuddle with me. With the locked door between August and us, I felt better.

This wasn’t how I thought things would go at all. In my fantasies, August and I would be this perfect couple. I’d dreamt about it many times, about August coming back into my life and us getting our fairy tale ending, especially when I was pregnant with our son. Back then, my biggest dream had been that one day he’d come back into my life and ask me to marry him, making us a real family.

That part had happened. But I’d never thought in a million years that we’d have a problem as big as this one seemed to be.

He’d shut me out. That wasn’t a thing I ever saw in my fantasies. No, I saw us getting along well. But for that to happen, he’d need to listen to me about things—especially important things like this. And he wasn’t doing that. He was taking everything on himself, leaving me out.

Would I be able to deal with a life with him that was so very different from the life I’d envisioned? How would I be able to handle the disappointment of another dream shattered?

Chapter 22

August

I left the house early the next morning. Facing Tawny after what I’d done to her proved too hard for me to do. My therapist’s office didn’t open until nine, so I waited in the park nearby.

My cell rang at eight-thirty. Tawny’s name shone up at me. “Hi,” I answered.

“August, where are you?” she asked, concern etching her tone.

“I told you last night I’d be seeing my therapist first thing this morning, Tawny.” A car drove by, and I saw Doctor Schmidt inside of it. “Hey, he’s here. I’ll call you later.”

“August, call me as soon as you’re done there. I’ve been doing some research. I want to talk to you about it.”

My heart ached, and my head felt as if I’d been in a boxing match with Mike Tyson. I felt hopeless.

Everything had been going so right. But I’d failed to remember my little affliction. It would never be safe for Calum or Tawny.

Coming in just behind the doctor, I seemed to have startled him. “Oh, goodness, August. What has you here so early?” He looked at the calendar that hung on the wall. “Wait, today isn’t your normal day.”

“No, it’s not. Something’s happened. I’ve hurt someone.” I took a seat on the sofa, the one I usually sat on for our therapy sessions. “Someone I love.”

“I was afraid of this,” he said as he took his usual seat. “August, I know you’ve made great strides, but you’re not far enough along that there wouldn’t be complications when seeing someone seriously. So, tell me what happened.”

I told him what I knew. “I had a bad dream. I don’t remember the dream at all, or even recall having one. She said she tried to wake me up and I hit her in the face, busting her lip. That was bad enough. But she said I choked her, too. My handprints were all over her neck, Doc.” Tears trickled down my face as shame and horror overtook me. “How can I make this stop?”

“It takes time,” he told me, handing me a box of tissue. “August, you were a working marine for six years. You’ve seen things, participated in things, and performed acts of war that most civilians could never imagine. That all builds up inside of a person’s brain.”

“I had no idea I was having these types of dreams, Doc. How could I not know that?” I asked him. It was tearing me apart that I’d brought the woman I loved to my bed not knowing I might hurt her physically.

“My advice, for now, is to let me prescribe something for you. Zoloft, I think, might be best.” He pulled out a prescription pad and began to write on it.

I didn’t want to take pills. I hated the way they made me feel—numb and unfocused. “No.”

He looked at me with a frown on his wrinkled old face. “August, you need more than just therapy to manage this at the moment. You need medication. If you had, let’s say…hypertension, then you’d take a pill for that. If you had diabetes, you’d take medication for that. Why can’t you look at this like the disease it is?”

“Because this is mental. This isn’t physical, and I will not turn into a damn zombie to win this battle.” I got up and slammed out of his office.

Nothing he did was working for me. I needed more. I needed some real help. Maybe a whole damn team to help me get over this thing.

I could do this. I knew I could. I could do it because I had at least two reasons to, now. Before, I didn’t have anyone to do it for. But now I did, and I’d beat this thing.

Getting into my car, I pounded the steering wheel in frustration. I had all the money in the world at my disposal and no idea how to get the help I really needed.

My cell dinged, and I looked at it. Tawny had sent me a text, telling me to come home and talk to her, that she had a lot to tell me.

So, I drove home, not sure what she had to say, but putting my trust in her the way she’d done me. If she and I were going to get married, then I had to learn to lean on her, too. It was time to admit to myself for once that I had weaknesses, just like anyone else. I wasn’t the hero she thought I was.

I’d been a merciless killer at times. I’d been a man who shot first and asked questions later—that was what I was trained to be. I may have killed innocent people; I had no way of knowing for sure. Shooting from a moving helicopter at a shifting mass of what we thought were rebels, I could’ve killed innocents. That was the terrible consequence of war, the casualties of combat.

Thankfully, Calum was away at school when I got home. Facing the little guy would’ve made everything even harder. Tawny must’ve been waiting with her ears pricked because she ran to me as soon as I came into the foyer. “August!” She threw her arms around me, hugging me.

My arms moved to hold her, wishing like hell I wasn’t so fucked up. “Baby, I am so sorry.”

“Don’t be. You didn’t do anything on purpose.” She pulled back to look at me, and her swollen lower lip hurt to look at. “August, I’ve been bitten by scared little kids, kicked by expectant mothers with low pain thresholds, and once I was smacked in the face by an old lady’s purse when I came up behind her too fast and frightened her. Her purse left both lips busted.” She tried to make light of the situation, but it didn’t help me at all.

“Don’t, Tawny. This is bad. This is really bad. I had no idea I did things like that when I slept.” I took her hand, rubbing the back of it, loving the way her soft skin felt beneath my fingers.

“Well, that’s understandable, as no one’s ever actually slept a whole night with you on a regular basis.” She pulled me into the main living room and we sat down. Her laptop was open on the coffee table. She swiped the screen, and a picture came up. “This is what I wanted you to see. This is in West L.A., and I think it would be the perfect place for you. The stuff they do with people who have PTSD is groundbreaking and revolutionary.”

She picked up the computer, placing it on her lap and showing me everything about the place. One thing that stuck out was the fourteen-day treatment period where I’d have to stay in their facility. And the fact that they treated with drugs. And not the regular ones, either. No, they used a form of the drug known as ecstasy on the street, but they called it MDMA.

“Wow, that’s not your normal PTSD drug, Tawny.” I looked at her with concern. “My doctor has put me on every other drug they use for this, and I’ve never done well on any of them.”

“Well, this one works very differently from those,” she told me as she pointed out some of the testimonials. “These results can’t be ignored, baby.”

One of the patient testimonials said that the person who’d gone to the facility to try the treatment—which included taking the medication and receiving intense therapy—felt as if their soul had snapped back into their body.

That was a strong thing to say, I thought.

“I’d be away for two weeks.” I looked at Tawny, taking her face in my hands. “That seems like a long time to not get to see your beautiful face.”

“Well, I can get through half a month if it means we can have a lifetime together, sleeping together each night. You can do this, August. With the right help, you can get through this thing. And I’ll be here every step of the way. I’m not going anywhere.” She ran her hands over my whiskered cheeks.

“The truth is, I’m surprised you’re still here. I thought I’d hurt you so bad you’d feel you had to leave me. For your protection and Calum’s,” I admitted to her.

“I’m not that afraid of you. If I have to keep a bottle of water with me to pull you out of an episode, or chain you to your bed so your hands can’t do any damage, so be it. I’ll do whatever I have to, to keep you with me. I don’t give up on people in general, and those are mostly people who don’t mean a thing to me. You mean everything to me, August Harlow, and I’ll never give up on you. Not ever.”

She should give up, and I knew that. But dammit, that selfish part of me clung to her as if she were my only lifeline. “I’ll do it. I’ll go to that place, and I’ll try everything. I can be stubborn…”

“You don’t have to tell me that,” she interjected, smiling.

With a laugh, I picked up the computer, put it back on the coffee table and pulled her to sit on my lap. “Thank God for that full moon seven years ago.”

“I do all the time,” she added.

Our mouths met, and her sweet kiss made me believe that everything would be okay. It had to be. I had the best woman by my side. With her, I could beat anything that came my way.

In the meantime, I wasn’t going to waste a single moment I had with Tawny before I had to go. Moving her to lie back on the sofa, I moved my body to cover hers. She pushed on my shoulders, making our mouths part. “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to take your sweet ass right here, baby. That’s what I’m doing. And then maybe I’ll take you in the swimming pool while we skinny dip. After that…”

She sighed, stopping me. “So, today is all about getting your fill of me, is that it?”

“Baby, I will never get my fill of you. But today is about getting as much of you as I can get. Because tomorrow I’ll leave to go get better.” Putting my mouth back on hers, I found her pushing my shoulders once more. “Now what?”

“What about the staff, August?” She looked worried. “I don’t want to get caught.”

Little did she know that I’d called Denise and told her to give the entire staff the day off. I wanted to be completely alone with Tawny for the entire day. But I didn’t let her in on that—a little fear of getting caught added some spice to things. “Don’t worry about that.” I kissed her again.

The kiss was so hard and so full of passion that she melted underneath me, letting me have my way. She knew I wasn’t going to quit until I got what I wanted, and so she didn’t fight me on most things—not when she wanted those things as badly as I did. I loved that about her.

I loved everything about her, and I’d do anything to make myself the man she deserved.

Chapter 23

Tawny

After one hell of a great day, where August gave me all of his attention just as he promised, we had to come up for air when Calum came home from school. Max, the driver, had picked Calum up for us and brought him home.

We managed to keep our hands mostly off one another until Calum went to sleep, then we went at it like animals again until the wee hours of the morning, when August carried me to my own bed, locking the door behind him.

I cried then. Cried for all he had gone through. For all he’d seen. For all he’d had to do. The man was my hero. He always would be.

After a shower, I put on some nightclothes and went to sleep. I’d brought the baby monitor with me to my bedroom and was shocked when I woke up the next morning alone in my bed.

No Calum.

Progress was being made there, and I prayed our little family would just keep on progressing.

Later, after getting myself and Calum dressed, I found August in the breakfast nook. Steam swirled over his coffee cup, and he jerked his head over at the carafe. “Grab a cup and join me.” He looked at Calum. “There’s juice in the other one for you, buddy.”

I poured us something to drink then we took seats at the small round table with August. He put his cell down, looking at our son. I knew leaving him for fourteen entire days wasn’t sitting well with him.

Placing my hand on top of August’s, I said, “I’ll explain things to him, don’t worry.”

“’Splain, what?” Calum asked before he gulped down some apple juice.

“I want to tell him,” August said before he directed his attention to his son. “Calum, I’ve gotta go away for a little while.”

“Why?” Calum asked with furrowed brows.

“You remember me telling you about why I had that weird screaming episode that day in the car, right?” August moved his hand through Calum’s dark hair.

“Yes, sir,” Calum said, then took another drink.

“Well, I think it’s time I finally fixed that problem. Your momma found this place that we think can help me. But I’ve gotta go and stay there for two weeks. Do you think you can be a big help to me and keep your momma company while I’m gone?”

Calum looked a little worried. “You’re comin’ back, right?” His lower lip began to tremble. “’Cause I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’m gonna miss you too, buddy. But I need my little man to step up and keep his momma happy while I’m gone.” August got up and went to pick Calum up.

Calum rested his head on his father’s broad shoulder as he cried. “I’ll try, Dad.”

“Daddy has to get some help to get better.” August patted him on the back, and I had to bite my lip to hold back the tears that welled in my eyes.

August looked at me. “Leila will be here soon to pick him up and take him for the day. I didn’t think it would be a good idea to send him to school today. And I’d like you to come with me to the facility. I kind of need you with me, to hold my hand.”

Nodding, I picked up a napkin to dry my tears before they fell. “’Kay.”

We sat there in silence as we all picked at the breakfast Tara had made for us. Not one of us was hungry anymore.

After Leila came and picked up Calum, Max drove us to the facility, which I prayed would be able to help the man I loved. “So, here we are,” he said as he got out and took my hand, helping me out, too.

Being a nurse, I was used to medical facilities. This one was something else, though. Everything was state of the art. The building was large, but it didn’t have that morose hospital feel to it. Positive energy flowed invisibly through the air.

Gripping August’s arm, I whispered, “I like the atmosphere here, babe.”

“It does seem upbeat, doesn’t it?” he asked, as we went to the reception desk. “August Harlow. I spoke with someone earlier about seeking treatment.”

“Of course,” the young woman said with a smile. She pointed to a frosted glass door. “Dr. Sheldon is waiting for you right through those doors. He’ll go over the treatment plan, and once you agree with it, you’ll sign papers, and we’ll get you started on your road to success, Mr. Harlow.”

With a nod, we headed the way she’d pointed and found soft music playing when we came into the doctor’s office. The man we met there had a soft voice and the kind of demeanor that put one at ease right away.

I had to admit; he seemed so genuine. Much more so than any other doctor I’d ever dealt with. Confidence filled me as he told us how they went about doing things. “While we have had much success with our treatments here, it’s important that you understand that therapy is something you will have to be in for the rest of your life, August. You should get used to that fact.”

August didn’t seem to be pleased by that and asked, “Isn’t your mission to cure me?”

“There is no cure for what ails you. Can you imagine being the victim of a shooting, or a child who’s been horribly abused?” the doctor asked him.

August shrugged. “I guess so.”

“Well, would you expect them ever to be cured of their memories?” The way the doctor smiled made my heart sore. He was the real deal—like an angel sent here to help others.

August could only shake his head. “No, I guess you can’t cure memories. So, how the hell can you help me?”

“While we can’t wipe your memory bank clean, we can help you handle those memories a lot better. People who’ve had an overload of terrible things happen to them have it much harder than your average person. Hence, why so many military personnel in particular end up with PTSD.” The doctor took out a bottle of pills. “This is what MDMA looks like.”

“You should know that I don’t like taking pills, Doc.” August shrugged again. “I don’t like the effects they have on me, and I don’t want to depend on them either.”

“Let me explain this drug to you first, and let’s see if I can help you understand what this can do to help you. And let me tell you this, too—this is not a drug you will take forever, the way you’ll have to have therapy forever.” The doctor opened the bottle, spilling all the pills out on the desk in front of him.

“That’s a lot of pills,” August mumbled.

“This is your personal one-month supply,” the doctor let him know. “And with our help and observations, you’ll learn when to take one and when you don’t need to take one.”

“Okay, wait. I’ve got to ask this,” August interjected, “this is ecstasy, right? So, I’ll get aroused, won’t I? How am I supposed to handle that sexual frustration when you’ll have me locked up in here?”

With a knowing smile, the doctor answered him, “No one says you can’t masturbate, August. You’ll have a room to yourself here—lots of privacy. Now, let me explain this medication to you. These pills are made up of three neurotransmitters. Serotonin makes up most of it. Now, you can purchase serotonin in any drugstore over the counter. It’s most often used as an aid to those who have trouble falling asleep. People with mild anxiety take serotonin as well. Does any of that worry you so far, August?”

“I suppose if it can be sold like that then it hasn’t got any bad side effects,” August said. “And it might be like taking the vitamin supplements I take every day. Right?”

With a nod, the doctor went on. “So, you’re on board with the serotonin. The other two ingredients, dopamine and norepinephrine, have similar effects. They’re the components that will increase alertness—they’ll increase your energy level, too. And with all that positive blood flow, well, your arousal is also increased. And lastly, the relaxing effects of the serotonin act as a base that help level everything out.”

“Okay, is this feel-good drug addictive?” August pointed out. “I do not want to leave this place addicted to anything.”

“Tell me, do you think you have an addictive personality? Do you need alcohol or tobacco or anything like that?” the doctor asked.

Pulling up our clasped hands, August kissed mine. “She’s the only thing I’ve ever been addicted to. Yet, I’m finding the strength to stay away from her for fourteen days, aren’t I?”

A blush heated my cheeks, and I ducked my head as the doctor went on, “Well, I’m glad to hear that, August. While you’re taking this medication, you will be strictly observed. It’s not our intention to get anyone addicted to anything. We’re not a pharmaceutical company, nor do we have any connections to any of them. We’re in the business of helping people. And we do so by lightening their mood before we have deep therapy sessions. Our sessions sometimes last twelve hours, mostly eight though. This pill will help you think about things you’ve shoved into the deepest recesses of your mind and deal with those memories while in a calm, cool state of consciousness.”

“So, what you’re saying is you guys will pull out all the shit I’ve seen, done, and dealt with, and teach me how to interpret it in a new way? A positive way? Because let me tell you, there are things I’ve seen and done that no amount of spin will turn into a positive thing,” August argued.

The doctor smiled at that, and I started to feel a bit confused, thinking August might not do as well here as we’d hoped. “Maybe this isn’t the best place for him,” I said, as I squeezed August’s hand.

The doctor leaned forward, steepling his fingers then resting his chin on them. “I feel exactly the opposite, Tawny. You see, your fiancé is the perfect candidate for this. His concerns are valid, and he has conviction in his heart. It is clear he is ready to work hard to deal with this issue. My bets are on August, and I rarely lose my bets.”

August looked at me, and then took a deep breath. “I’m going to stay, Tawny. I’m going to give this my all. And I’m doing it for you, Calum, and those future kids we’re going to have. But I’m also doing it for me.”

“Better words have never been spoken, August,” the doctor complimented him.

When it came time to leave August there, I did so with hope in my heart and a smile on my face, even though tears filled my eyes. I was going to miss him so much, but this was something he had to do.

Chapter 24

August

“I have a little test I need you to take, August,” a female therapist named Tasha told me as she placed a laptop computer on the desk in my room.

I’d been admitted to the PTSD treatment facility and taken to what would be my room for the next two weeks. It had only been a couple of hours, and already I missed Tawny and Calum like crazy. But I wanted to do this for us. I had to do it.

“Okay, I just check the yes or no boxes?” I asked as I looked at the list of questions. The first question asked whether I had ever been exposed to a traumatic event.

“Yes,” Tasha said as she nodded. “And be truthful with this. Therapy works best if you’re honest and vulnerable, especially when you’re used to being a tough guy. No one is strong all the time, and it’s important for you to let those weaknesses show.” She headed for the door. “I’ll leave you to it then.”

Alone, I looked around the room. A small full-sized bed was in one corner and a desk sat right across from it—that’s where I sat. The walls were a pale blue, the door pristinely white, and the floor was done in bamboo wood flooring—giving the room a serene, calming feel. The few pictures that hung on the walls were of flowers, butterflies, and one was of a flock of birds. A small bathroom was attached to the room, giving me all the privacy I could ask for.

Turning my attention back to the test, I checked yes for the first question. The next question asked if I’d ever experienced the threat of injury or death, to which I again checked the yes box.

Although I tried not to think about that, I guess it was part of the process of fixing my fucked-up mind. The next question asked if I’d felt fear, helplessness, or horror. That one had me going back and trying to count the number of times I’d felt those emotions.

Shaking my head, I had to stop that line of thought. There were too many to count. Another yes box had to be checked.

Do you regularly experience intrusive thoughts about the traumatic event?

I had to ask myself what regularly meant. But then the thought of these nightmares I’d been unaware of came to mind, and I had to check yes again.

The next question asked if I felt at times like I was reliving the event, and another yes was at hand. Recurring nightmares, stress over the memory, avoiding thoughts about the event, avoiding people that reminded me of the event, all of those had to be checked with a yes as well.

I was on a roll. A bad one. And I wondered if all these yes answers would only earn me more time in the place.

Then I got to check a no when asked if there were things I wasn’t able to recall about the event. No, I recalled everything well—too well, actually.

Had I lost interest in anything I had once enjoyed doing? I was able to check another no on that one.

Whew, for a minute there I thought I was a goner!

More no boxes followed as it asked if I had difficulty trusting people, or showing emotions. Did I fear I’d never have a normal future? I was able to check the no boxes about having trouble falling asleep. I thought I’d been sleeping like a baby, but I’d been wrong about that. But I knew I never had trouble falling asleep.

Angry outbursts got a no, too, and so did difficulty concentrating. But then the question about having guilt over those who died while I survived had to get a yes.

Oh, well, they can’t all be no.

I was there for a reason, after all. I had a mix of yes and no answers as I continued through the questionnaire. Did I startle easily; did I feel as if I had to be on guard all the time, ready to spring into action?

I could spring into action whenever I needed to, like I did with the wildfire situation and Calum—but I didn’t go around tense and ready to spring.

I checked the yes box for the question about whether I’d been experiencing this for longer than a month. The last question made me pause, though.

Do your symptoms interfere with normal routines, such as work, school, or social engagements?

Did they?

I had to think about that one. I could go out without any trouble. Ah, but there had been the incident on the freeway, and then a couple of others in the past—one in a nightclub, one in a restaurant. Another yes had to be checked, and then I hit the Submit button.

The score said twelve, and I thought that was pretty good. But when I looked at the bottom portion, I read that anything over ten was considered to be evidence of symptoms of PTSD.

Well, that wasn’t anything I didn’t know already. I would indeed be spending the next fourteen days here with the good doctors and therapists. I supposed things could’ve been worse. I could’ve lost Tawny and Calum, which thankfully hadn’t happened yet—and wouldn’t, whether I had to stay here fourteen day or fourteen months to fix this.

With the test submitted, Tasha came back into the room. “August, the results showed us what areas you need to work on. Just a few more questions, so we can get you all set up.” She tapped a pen on the top of her clipboard then put it to the paper. “Do you feel more at ease speaking with a male or female?”

“Hmm, I think I’d like it to be a male.” I liked talking to Tawny, but mostly it felt easier talking to men about my weaknesses.

“Okay,” she said, as she took note of that. “And do you like being in a group or alone when you discuss private matters?”

“Alone,” came my quick answer. I wasn’t one to talk freely in a group—never was, never would be.

“Okay, then just one more thing,” she said, as she looked at me. “Are you a daytime person or a nighttime kind of guy?”

“I get up early each morning, so put me down as daytime.” I got up out of the chair, eager to get things started. “So, when can we get started?”

“Soon. I’ll input this data into my computer and have a schedule for you in about an hour. Lunch is being served, so why don’t you head to the cafeteria and introduce yourself to the others?” She left the room, and I stood there, wondering if I really wanted to go meet anyone.

The idea of hobnobbing wasn’t sitting well with me. But the growl of my stomach told me to go eat, so out I went to find my way to the cafeteria.

About fifteen people were seated at various tables. Just like high school, they seemed to have their cliques. When I spotted a USMC tat on one guy’s arm, I headed to that table after picking up a tray of food and a bottle of water. “Hi, I’m August Harlow, formerly known as Major Harlow, First of the First.”

The bulky man shook my extended hand. “Tom Moore, formerly Second Lieutenant Moore, Combat Logistics Regiment Three.” He gestured to the man to his right. “This is Frank Wilson, non-military, son of a Mafia drug lord.”

I shook that man’s hand, too. “Nice to meet you, Frank.”

“You too, August.” Frank went back to eating his turkey on rye, which was the main dish for lunch.

A set of blue eyes found mine as I looked at the woman seated next to him at the round table. “Natasha Granger, formerly Captain Granger of the Tenth Regiment.”

“Ah, the Arm of Decision. Too many decisions you’d rather not have made—is that was brought you here?” I asked her as I shook her hand.

“You could say that,” she answered. Her blonde hair was pulled up into a high ponytail.

The first thing they’d done was give me a set of light blue scrubs to wear, and I found everyone else had them on, too. I’d been told this was because the MDMA could make some people hypersensitive to touch, so they tried to lessen this distraction with the soft, roomy material of the scrubs. The clinical staff all wore white sets of the same scrubs. The others workers in the facility all wore yellow scrubs. As I looked around, it seemed like something out of a sci-fi movie.

One empty chair remained at the table, and one remaining person had yet to introduce herself to me: a quiet young woman with dark hair and eyes. Eyes that looked like they’d seen some shit. With a nod to the empty chair, I introduced myself to her, “Hi. August Harlow. Mind if I take this seat here?”

“Do what you want to. Who am I to stop you?” she said, with a snarky tone to her deep voice.

I took the seat. “And I didn’t catch your name?” I had to say.

“Tillie,” she said, then took a large bite of her sandwich, chewing it as she looked at me.

Natasha nudged me with her shoulder. “She’s an abuse victim,” she told me quietly. “Human trafficking, sold into sex slavery at the age of ten. Rescued last year by DEA agents.”

Tillie’s deep voice took my attention. “My master was all I’d ever known. Now it seems I have no idea how to function in society. So, I came here to see if I can be taught.”

“How old are you?” I asked with concern.

“Twenty-one,” she said with her mouth full of food.

No manners to speak of, it seemed, but who could blame her? “Your family?”

She shook her head. “It was my father who sold me. Mom died when I was eight.”

“Fuck me,” I mumbled. “I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you find help here, Tillie.”

I didn’t have anything compared to that poor girl.

Tom looked across the table at me. “How long were you in for?”

“Six years,” I said, then took a bite of the sandwich, finding it pretty good.

“I barely made the two-year mark I’d signed up for. I can’t see how you did six.” He took a drink of water from the bottle in front of him, and I noticed there were already three empty bottles of water he’d already drunk.

Natasha chimed in, “I made nearly ten years before this hit me. It was just like, bam! One day sane, the next day screaming at some poor lady in line at the grocery store for no reason other than that she moved too slowly.” She shook her head. “My husband told me I’d been waking up screaming, too. I don’t recall doing that.”

“I’ve been doing things in my sleep, too,” I admitted. “And last night I hit my fiancé in the mouth, busting her lip, then went so far as to choke her. I don’t remember any of it. But the cut on her lip and the marks my fingers left on her throat told me all I needed to know. I had to get help and fast, or I’d lose her and our son.”

Natasha nodded in agreement. “This is my second marriage. I got married when I was only twenty—he was an oil-field worker who didn’t understand why I wanted to be in the military. Now, my husband and our two kids are afraid of where I’m headed. He told me to get help or get out. At thirty years old, starting all over is the last thing I want to do. So, I retired from the marines and came here afterward.”

“Damn,” I murmured. “My girl told me she’d be behind me every step of the way. She said she’d never turn her back on me.”

“Don’t believe her, buddy,” Frank came into the conversation. “No one can take abuse for long, whether you do it in your sleep or not. She’ll leave if you don’t get control of this.”

I doubted the young guy’s words. “If you don’t mind, Frank, how old are you anyway?”

“Twenty-two. A very old twenty-two. I’ve seen shit no one should see, and I didn’t have to leave home to see it.” He downed his water then opened a new one.

Looking around the table, I noticed everyone had at least four bottles of water, and I’d only picked up one. So, I had to ask, “I’m not trying to be rude, but what’s the deal with you all drinking so much water?”

Tom chuckled. “A side effect from the MDMA. Excessive thirst.”

With a nod, my jaw clenched. I didn’t like that at all. But I’d promised to give this whole thing a try. “I’ve never taken MDMA before. What can I expect?”

Natasha answered first, “I call it truth serum. The drug lulls you, leaving you feeling good about everything. Safe, you know? Like you can say anything you’ve done or seen to your therapist and not worry that they’ll think you’re sick, crazy, or a monster. I can’t quite bring myself to admit the things I’ve done unless I’m on the pill.”

Tom added, “And then there’s the arousal.” He looked me up and down, as if trying to get a measure of my personality. “If you’re anything like me, you’re probably worried about that part of the drug.”

I nodded. “A bit, yes. Especially since my fiancé isn’t available to scratch that itch.”

Everyone laughed then, and Tillie answered, “The therapeutic sessions go on for at least eight hours. I don’t begin to get antsy until the end, and when my therapist notices me squirming, she ends the session, and I have to go masturbate for at least an hour.”

Natasha added, “It’s like a little inside joke around here. Don’t let it bother you if you see someone walking real fast to get to their room, and they ignore you. It’s just that they have to deal with some more personal matters in private.”

“I’ve got to ask,” I said as one question ate at me. “Is there a lot of hooking up in here?”

They all looked back and forth at each other, then each one of them looked at a table in the far corner where six people sat. One female and five males. “If you’re into hooking up, she’s really the only one into that here.”

“No,” I said quickly as I shook my head. “I’m not into that at all. I was just wondering.”

Tom laughed then downed the last of his water, and I saw Tasha coming into the cafeteria. She waved me over, and I excused myself to go get my schedule.

Things were about to begin, and I felt ready for that.

Chapter 25

Tawny

A week had passed, and I hadn’t heard a thing from August. Leila had come over to our place to do some planning. She’d called me up, explaining that the family wanted to have the holiday at August’s place that year, which would work great, as August was set be released from the facility just a couple of days before Thanksgiving.

I was happy to oblige as I’d already requested that my start date at the hospital be moved to January fifth; I was free as a bird and knew the planning would help take my mind off missing August.

Leila’s kids had come over, too. It was the weekend, and they helped keep Calum entertained while Leila and I chatted over a few glasses of the wine she’d brought with her. She’d handed the car keys to her oldest, Jeanna, just after coming inside. “Here, Jeanna, I’m drinking, so you’re driving us home.”

Her daughter took the keys and followed the others to the game room. “Got it, Mom.”

Leila showed me the bag with the three bottles inside. “I’ve brought us some refreshments, Tawny. But I drink responsibly, never drinking and driving. My hubby’s Uncle Alonzo died in a car wreck ten years ago after drinking and driving, and I vowed then and there never to do it—even after just one drink.”

With a nod, I led her to the bar so that we could find some glasses and a corkscrew. Texting Tara along the way, I asked the chef if she could bring us a cheeseboard and fresh fruit tray.

Leila and I settled in, sitting on tall barstools at the gorgeous dark wood bar. Leila had found the stereo system and put on some soft rock music. “I just love visiting this place. It’s like a hotel, don’t you think?” she asked me.

“That’s what I said when I first saw it.” I chuckled, taking of sip and loving the salty undertones of the red wine. “Yummy.”

“I know, right?” Leila asked. “I just love Napa Valley wine.”

“A true Californian,” I added, smiling.

Tara brought in the trays I requested, and Leila was quick to invite her to join us. “Tara, we’re going to be discussing the Thanksgiving holiday. Would you care to grab a glass and join us? Your input would be appreciated.”

Going behind the bar, Tara got a glass and poured herself some wine. She took a pad of paper and a pen out of her apron and placed it on the top of the bar. “Okay, so we’re having it here then?”

With a smile, I was happy to tell her the news, “We are. Our first holiday together, and I get to be the hostess. I’m so excited.”

“Mom and Dad are coming, too,” Leila informed her. “The total headcount is thirteen. Even my elusive hubby will be home for once and will be there.”

“So, I’ll get to meet the man behind the remarkable woman,” I said with a laugh.

“That you will.”

Tara tapped her nails on the bar. “Okay. Turkey is a must.”

“Ham, too,” I added.

Then Leila looked at me. “Tawny, please tell me your parents are going to come, too.” She looked at Tara. “Put down two more people. I forgot to add them.”

Tara jotted that down. “Okay, fifteen people.”

“Make it nineteen, Tara,” I quickly pointed out. “I certainly expect you and the rest of the staff would like to enjoy the meal, too.”

A little smile crept across her lips. “Sweet of you. So, our final count is nineteen then.”

“Do you think August wants to invite his business partners?” Leila asked me. “He used to go out every weekend with them. They’re all pretty close.”

“I’ll ask him if he ever calls me.” And with that my cell buzzed. Pulling it out of my back pocket, I didn’t recognize the number, but saw that it was a local call. “Hello?”

“Baby, have you missed me?” came August’s voice.

I screamed and jumped off the barstool, too excited to stay sitting. “August! Yes! Yes, of course, I’ve missed you!” Glancing over at the two women who were laughing at me, I excused myself and headed to the next room, which happened to be a sitting area. “How are you, babe?”

“Doing pretty good,” came his reply. “I’m feeling a little exhausted right now. A lot of memories are being dredged up. When I’m on the MDMA, I can take it all well. But afterward, when the drug wears off, then I feel drained.”

That didn’t seem like progress to me, so I asked, “Do you feel like this is a waste of your time, August?”

“No, they told me it would be like this at first. This is a process, and these first fourteen days are just the tip of the iceberg.” He sighed heavily. “The hardest part is being without you and Calum. I’m not sure why they think it’s so important to have us here without any kind of friends or family around, but they do think it’s important. I’ve asked quite a few times if you could at least come for a visit, only to be told that’s not allowed.”

Biting my lower lip, I felt the same angst he did. “Well, most recovery programs want the person to know they have to handle things on their own. There can be emotional support, but the idea is to make you see that you’re okay all on your own, and that you don’t have to depend on anyone but yourself.”

“I guess you’re right. I don’t know or care really. I’ve talked to a lot of people here this last week, about what they’ve gone through, too, and to say the overall atmosphere of depression is demoralizing is an understatement.” I could hear his breathing, and I longed to feel his warm breath on my neck.

“Um, your sister’s here. We’re going to host Thanksgiving this year. Is that okay with you?” I asked him to get my mind off his breath and lips and everything else.

Ugh! I needed him so badly.

“Oh, are we?” he asked with a laugh. “So, Leila and her brood want to come trash our place, huh?”

“They’re here now, the whole lot of them.” I chewed on my thumbnail as memories of his body on top of mine filled my head. “Oh, and do you want to invite your business partners? Leila said you’re pretty close to them.”

“No, Gannon has big plans this year, and Nixon is flying home to Texas to be with his family. Thank you for asking though. That’s nice of you, baby.” Another long sigh came out of him. “God, I hope the next week goes by faster than this one. Once I get out, I have to come to therapy every day. The sessions last eight hours, so I’ll be gone all day.”

“Even Thanksgiving?” I asked, despair filling my voice.

“Yeah, even Thanksgiving. They told me it’d be from nine in the morning until five in the evening. Can we have the party during the dinner hour?” he asked.

I wasn’t about to let him down. “Of course, I’ll make sure to tell them all that it’ll be a dinner party, with dinner being served at, say, eightish?”

“That sounds good to me. Invite your parents, baby. I can’t wait to see them again. Your mom’s fudge was the best ever. She came over and gave us a batch every Christmas.”

“And your mother gave us her famous peanut brittle, too,” I added.

We did go way back. We did have a history. Maybe we hadn’t ever been a couple, but we’d spent a bit of time together as neighbors. Backyard barbeques and neighborhood block parties. Every New Year’s Eve watching the fireworks, all of us in our own backyards, but sharing things over the chain-link fence—the only thing that separated us from each other.

“One more week,” he said quietly. “I can hold out that long. Can you, Tawny?”

“I have to, don’t I?” I laughed to lighten things up. “So, how is it besides feeling so drained? Are there people there you can relate to?”

“A couple of fellow former marines are here. We sit at the same table for all the meals. Natasha is thirty, and she’s married with kids. Her marriage is on the line because of her PTSD. Tom’s a kid who barely made it two years in the service. He’s seen shit that haunts him. I worry about them both. But not as much as I worry about Tillie. She’s this young girl whose father sold her into sex slavery when she was only ten. Can you believe someone would do that to their own child, baby? It’s too disgusting to even think about. And I’ll tell you, it makes me feel like a wimp that I’m having so many problems, when what I’ve been through is nothing compared to what she’s been through.”

“You’re still human, August. You’ve still been through bad things yourself. Don’t lose sight of what you have to work on just because others have had it bad, too,” I gently chided him. “But that is a very sad thing for the poor girl.” My stomach knotted as I thought about what a horrible life she must’ve had, and how hard it would be to ever get over that.

The world could be a terrible place. It would be wonderful if things could be perfect all the time, but that’s not the way of the world. And my poor man had been through awful things, too—things that would break the average person.

August was beyond average. He was a hero through and through. If he could learn how to manage his bad memories, things would get better for him and for the rest of us, too.

“When you come to pick me up, have Max drive you,” he told me.

“Why is that?” I asked him as I pushed my hand through my hair, pretending it was his hand instead. My body tingled as I thought about him touching me.

“Because I’m going to devour you completely on the ride home,” his voice had gone deep with lust.

My panties were soaked with his words alone. “August!”

“My doctors have been monitoring my sleep, too. They’re working on an idea to help me stop this nighttime shit I’ve been doing. They’re coming up with a plan that’ll let me keep you in my bed.” He groaned. “I want that so bad, baby. My arms hurt they want to hold you so damn bad. Fuck!”

“It’s okay, August. One more week, and you’ll be home. Just work on learning how to use the pills to help you and use the therapy, too. I know you can beat this. I read a story…” I stopped myself. “Never mind. Let’s talk about something else.” When I thought about what I’d been about to say, I recalled that though the success story was great, it had taken the woman about thirty years to be completely free of PTSD.

“Never mind?” he asked. “Why is that?”

With a sigh, I went ahead and told him anyway. “Well, there was this success story I read. This woman had suffered an abusive upbringing. I mean—very abusive. It was a real horror story, what her father did to her until she was eighteen, and then he kicked her out of the house. Anyway, she was one of the first people to go through the program you’re going through now. It was just in its beginning stages though, so maybe that’s why it took her so long to be completely free of any PTSD symptoms. But that’s what I wanted you to hear about—she did become free of all the symptoms and didn’t have to take MDMA anymore either. The therapy you’re going through can work, and it can work to completely relieve you of all the symptoms, babe. Isn’t that great news?”

“How long did it take her, Tawny?” he asked in a grim tone.

“Thirty years,” I said quickly. “But that had to be because she’d been involved at the start of the whole program. They hadn’t worked out all the kinks, you know?”

“Hmm,” came his uncertain answer. “Well, I’m not about to let it give me false hopes. Things haven’t been going that great for me. And the sexual arousal isn’t comfortable. Thank God I only have to take one of those pills a day, right before my session each day.”

A thought grew in my head, and I blurted it out. “What if you took that pill at night? Say, just before you go to sleep? Maybe that would stop your nighttime episodes from occurring, and I’d be here to help you with that sexual arousal.” My body heated with the thought of how hot our love life would be if his doctors agreed with that.

“That’s not how it works. I can’t even take the pills home anyway.” He stopped and then laughed. “But I get to come home after the sessions, and then you could definitely help me with that ‘little problem’.”

“I don’t see it as a problem at all.” The idea had me excited already. “God, you have to go to therapy every day for…how long did they say?”

He laughed. “You naughty little vixen. I have to go every day for two more weeks, then it goes down to every other day for a month, then every three days for the next month, and finally, it goes down to a day each month until I’m only going once a week.”

“Sounds like fun to me. Why not make this into an exceptionally good thing, babe?” I asked him as I ran my hands all over my body, thinking of the evenings we were going to have.

Things were looking up!

Chapter 26

August

My body must’ve gotten used to the MDMA by the second week of therapy, because things started to change. My mind felt different; my thoughts became more evident. Besides the need to drink more water, there were no other side effects, other than a sense of peace—and that lingering arousal.

The last day of therapy saw me sitting on the sofa in Dr. Baker’s quarters. We didn’t go into an office for the sessions—the spaces were more like living rooms in someone’s home instead.

“So, you say five men were coming through the small village, killing only the male children?” he asked me.

I’d been telling him about one of the missions that stood out in my memory. This was one I’d hidden from myself because it was just too hard to think about. But now, I was able to not only think about it, but talk about it without feeling that overwhelming hopelessness I usually felt when I thought about such terrible things.

“Yeah, and me and the three other marines who’d been sent to deal with those men were pretty mad. You know—because they were killing innocent children. Taking sons away from fathers and mothers who loved them.” I leaned forward, putting my elbows on my knees then putting my face in my hands as powerful emotion suddenly flooded me.

“It’s okay to let that sadness out. Let it escape your mind, August. Of course, you felt sorrow for the parents, the siblings of the boys, and the boys themselves. That’s completely natural,” Doctor Baker told me in a calm voice.

Tears streamed from my eyes. I felt sorrow, no doubt, but there was another emotion at the forefront. Love.

No sobs came from me, only tears as emotion filled me. It was the oddest thing I’d ever felt. Gulping, I sat back, grabbed some tissues from the box that sat on the sofa beside me, and dabbed my eyes. “So, these men hardly resembled humans at all. In my eyes, they looked like demons. I suppose that was what my brain did to make it okay to kill them. Dehumanize them to make it okay.”

“Well, that’s interesting, isn’t it, August?” the doc asked me. “Turning a man into a monster would make it easier for you to do your job—which was, ultimately, to save lives.”

“It did.” I dried the rest of the tears as they stopped flowing. “I took two of them out as I hid behind a partial wall of someone’s home, blown up in another battle sometime before. This village was war-ravaged, and I couldn’t begin to fathom this happening in America.”

“Why did it make you think of America?” he asked me.

I paused for a moment, working through that question as best I could before answering him. “In America, we’re much more protected—by our laws, our rights. We’re even able to have weapons of our own, while that country’s people are just sitting ducks for terrorists. Their government doesn’t seem to care about protecting them, and can’t seem to comprehend what these people need to help them survive or to overcome. It’s aggravating, annoying, and makes it real difficult to feel much empathy—how can we help a country that doesn’t seem willing to help itself? But when you see a family who’s been victimized, the empathy is there. But I have none for those who govern them.”

“So, there are feelings that conflict you,” Doctor Baker pointed out. “Confliction within one’s self is never easy to deal with. Perhaps you should talk about this conflict, and you might figure out how to end it.”

“On one hand, you have a government that makes its citizens easy targets, and that’s a crime in my book. On the other hand, you have people who haven’t lived freely in their entire existence.” I sat there, thinking about that for a long time. The doctor sat quietly, patiently, never rushing me or giving me any words of wisdom. And as the time went by, I swear I felt a click in my head. “But maybe this isn’t for me to understand. Things happen, and we aren’t supposed to understand all of what happens. And that’s just life. I can’t solve all the world’s problems—can’t fight all the world’s battles.”

All the doctor did was nod. After a moment, he picked up his cup of tea and took a sip. I leaned back on the sofa, linking my fingers and placing my hands on my stomach. Peace filled me then, and I spent the rest of that session swimming in the peace I had found.

And the doctor allowed that. When the eighth hour had passed, he got up and stretched. “Well, it seems it’s time for you to be going back home, August. I’ll see you back here tomorrow morning at nine.”

I sat up, and then it hit me. Tawny was waiting for me outside!

Jumping up, I hurried to my room to change into the clothes I’d come there in before hurrying out the front doors. And there was my black town car, and Max stood by the back door, waiting for me. “Max!” I shouted as I made long strides to get to the car.

“Hello, Mr. Harlow. Nice to see you again,” my driver greeted me.

“Nice to see you too, Max,” I said as I shook his hand.

He opened the door, and there sat Tawny. She had on a beige trench coat, her auburn hair braided and pulled over her left shoulder, and a huge, welcoming smile on her face. “Miss me?” she asked coyly.

Sliding into the backseat, I gathered her into my arms and kissed her. I didn’t even notice that Max had closed the door—she’d captivated me, engulfed me, took me over completely.

The car began moving, jolting me back to reality. I pulled my mouth from hers to look at her. “God, you’re real, not a dream, right?”

She nodded and pulled the belt on the coat, letting it fall open and revealing a pleasant surprise. “I thought I’d make things very easy for you, August.”

“Oh, baby!” Pushing her back on the bench seat, I ran my hands all over her beautiful and very naked body. My mouth followed my hands and soon I was kissing her cunt, licking her hot folds and pecking her clit with soft kisses. She tasted like home, and my hunger only grew.

Her fingers ran through my hair as I ate her with a ferociousness that didn’t abate. She came quickly, and I eagerly lapped up everything I could until my cock could take no more.

Hastily, I undid my jeans, pushing my briefs down to release my dick. Not bothering with anything else, I moved my body over hers and thrust into her. Our combined groans filled the back of the car. We weren’t holding back, and Max might’ve even heard, but I couldn’t have cared less.

Fucking her with everything I had, she was coming again in record time, but I wasn’t about to end things so soon. It had been two long weeks since I’d been with her and I had every intention of making this last.

Pushing one of her legs back until her foot was next to her ear, I went at her harder, all the while kissing her neck. Her body quivered as I devoured her, her moans never ending as I took her.

“August!” she cried out, shuddering with another orgasm.

“Give it to me, baby,” I growled in her ear as her cunt contracted all around my aching cock.

But I still wasn’t ready to give in to my climax just yet. Lifting myself off her, I removed the coat from her shoulders, leaving her naked. I moved her still shaking body, putting her on her knees on the open expanse of the floor. Her round ass was begging for my kiss, and I leaned down, pecking the soft skin as I ran my hands over it.

My cock still ached to fill her, so I shoved back into her as I held her by the waist, slamming into her so hard you could hear my balls as they slapped her ass. With her in that position, I was buried deep. When she came this time, I had no choice but to join her. We made some terribly magnificent sounds as our bodies shuddered with our releases.

The car was slowing to a stop, and only then did I realize we were home. “Where’s Calum?” I asked as I looked at the front door.

Tawny scrambled to get the coat back on as I stuffed my cock back into my jeans. “He’s with your sister. I took him over there before coming for you.”

A grin pulled my lips to one side. “So, we have some time then?”

“All night,” she told me with a sexy grin. “If that’s okay with you?”

“I miss him, don’t get me wrong, but I can’t do what I want to with you if he’s around, can I?” I got out of the car and turned to pick her up, carrying her inside. Straight up the stairs I went, taking her to my bedroom.

As soon as I placed her feet on the floor, she dropped her coat and began undressing me. Pulling my t-shirt off, she ran her hands all over my chest. “I’ve missed these muscles.” Her mouth moved over my pecs, grazing my flesh, leaving hot trails in her wake.

All the while her hands busily undid my jeans then pushed them along with my underwear to the floor. I stepped out of my sneakers and kicked away the rest, naked and happy to feel her skin against mine.

When she went to her knees in front of me, I stopped her. “The shower.”

Standing up, she led the way to the bathroom while I followed, admiring the view. Her ass swayed with each step she took, and my mouth watered to taste her again.

She started the large tiled shower with jets everywhere. Warm water fell over us like a waterfall, and she went to her knees again, taking my hard cock into her hands and licking the tip of it until I couldn’t take it any longer. “Put it in your mouth.”

She smiled up at me, water dripping down her face, then put my cock into her hot mouth, sucking me off. I held her head, moving her the speed I needed. Watching her head bob as she took me all the way in, I found it hard to breathe. It was the most arousing thing I’d ever seen, and I was mesmerized by the sight. I closed my eyes as the climax began, starting up deep inside of me before rolling throughout my entire body. I shot hot cum down her throat as I groaned.

Her mouth left my cock, and she looked up and swallowed before filling her mouth with water. She rose, and I grabbed the back of her neck, kissing her. Even though she’d drunk water, cleansing her mouth, I could still taste the saltiness of my cum on her tongue.

The kiss grew in intensity, making my cock hard again. Lifting her up, I put her legs around my waist, plunging back into her. Using the tiled wall to help me hold her in place, I fucked her again.

Over and over, I pounded into her as my kiss kept her moans quiet. As soon as her body began quaking around my cock, I came, too. Moving my mouth away from hers, I kissed her neck as we caught our breaths.

Her nails had dug into the flesh of my back, and she eased her grip on me. “August, is this what I can expect every time you come home from a therapy session?”

“I don’t know about that. I’m pretty sure this is just from being away from you for two weeks. But we’ll see.” I washed her body with strawberry scented body wash, and she washed mine with the musky body wash she liked me to use, then I took her to my bed.

I had no idea if we’d even stop long enough to eat. My body craved hers, and it seemed like hers craved mine, too. So, why not give in to what we both wanted so desperately?

There are worse ways to spend one’s time.

Chapter 27

Tawny

I’d fallen asleep in August’s bed as he’d completely worn me out. His hand on the back of my neck woke me up abruptly. He gripped it tightly, and then his knee was in the middle of my back. His words were slightly slurred, growled out near my ear, “How did you get in here?”

“August, it’s me, Tawny,” I said with a stern tone. “You need to wake up now.”

But he didn’t seem to hear what I’d said as he continued to hold me, calling out to someone who wasn’t there. “Jones, get the zip ties. I don’t know how this bastard got in here, but he’s our prisoner now.”

“August, please,” I shouted. “It’s me, Tawny. Wake up!”

There were bottles of water on both nightstands, all I had to do was reach one, and I could wake him up. But unfortunately for me, I’d fallen asleep on my stomach, and I was helpless as he pinned me to the bed.

August pulled my hands back, his fingers moving over my wrists as he pretended to use a zip tie to bind my hands together. And that’s when I saw my chance. He’d think my hands were bound, but they wouldn’t be.

Not struggling at all, I let him pick me up, putting me on my feet. He looked past me, as though talking to someone as his hands held my shoulders. “Get him out of here.”

He removed his hands from my arms, and that’s when I grabbed the bottle of water, rapidly taking the lid off and squeezing it. A stream of water hit him right in the eyes, and he moved his hands quickly to deflect it.

But it had done its job, and when he moved his hand, I saw that he’d come back to reality. “Tawny?”

“August,” I put the bottle down, released my pent-up breath, and hugged him.

“What’d I do?” his voice was so quiet I barely heard him. His hold on me so tight that I could feel the uneasiness filling him.

“You didn’t hurt me. You just thought I was the enemy and had snuck into your bed, I think. Everything’s okay now. Come on, we can get back into bed now.” His hands moved through my hair, sending a chill through me as he continued to hold me.

“Tawny, I’m taking you to your room now.” In one swift movement, he had me up in his arms, carrying me away.

That was the last thing I wanted. “August, it’s okay. You didn’t hurt me.”

“Not this time I didn’t. But what happens the next time? There’s no way of telling, Tawny. I’m putting you where you’ll be safe.” He walked to my room and opened the door, placing me on the bed. “Good night. I love you.”

My heart was breaking. “August, I’ll be okay. Please, let me sleep with you.”

“No,” came his one-word response. Then he walked out, making sure to lock my door before he closed it.

The pain and frustration I felt couldn’t be tamed. I ended up getting up and taking a shower to try to ease the tension that had filled me. It wasn’t fair. I had a man who I loved, and he loved me, yet we couldn’t sleep together because he was afraid he’d hurt me in his sleep.

How could this be fixed?

I had no idea, and as I stood in that hot shower, I knew that wasn’t the way I wanted to live. But I’d made August a promise. I’d told him I would always be there for him, that I’d never turn my back on him.

But how could I be true to myself, too?

When I climbed back into the king-sized bed, I pulled the blankets up to cover my naked body. Sadness took over and I got out of bed, leaving my room to go to his. My plan was to sneak into his bed—hopefully nothing would happen, and then I could show him that things would be okay if we slept together.

When I tried to turn his doorknob, I found he’d locked it. Turning around, I went back to my bed. My heart pounded, my head hurt, and I felt something draining away inside of myself.

I couldn’t live this way, and I knew it.

Going back to my bed, I tried to decide what I should do. I had to do something.

But what?

Sometime in the night, I’d finally drifted back to sleep. When I woke up, I found it was after ten a.m., and August had already gone to his therapy session. I called my old landlady to see if that garage apartment was still available. I was glad to find she hadn’t rented it out to anyone yet and would be happy to have me back.

After getting dressed, I drove over to Leila’s to pick up Calum. There was no hiding anything from her—she saw sadness written all over my face. “Tawny, what’s wrong?”

“I’m moving out,” I let her know.

She took my hand, pulling me inside. “We have to talk.”

I let her pull me inside, and then she led me into a quiet place in her busy home. She sat me down on a chair and took the one across from me. “I know you probably don’t understand why I have to leave him, Leila.”

“Did something happen last night? Did he hurt you again?” she asked, knowing that was a great concern of ours.

“No, and that’s why I have to leave. I’m so damn frustrated, Leila, you have no idea.” I felt the tears begin to sting the backs of my eyes and looked around for something to dry them with.

Leila was already ahead of me, handing me a tissue. “Here, use this. Now tell me what’s got you so frustrated that you think moving out of August’s is the only answer.”

“He won’t let me sleep with him!” the words burst out of my mouth, and then I was crying some more.

“Because he’s afraid he’ll hurt you, Tawny.” I could see her shaking her head through blurry, tear-filled eyes. “If you truly love my brother, you’ll have to understand that things aren’t going to be completely normal for a while, or possibly never. It’s just what comes with the man.”

“Leila, it hurts so much when he locks me out like that. He actually locked me out of his room last night—but that’s not even fully what I mean. I just want to help him, but his solution seems to be to just block me out, mentally and physically. It’s agonizing. You have no idea how much it hurts.” Blowing my nose, I tried to get a handle on my emotions. Crying hadn’t done me any good so far, so I might as well stop.

“I have some idea. My husband works out of town more than he’s home. I have more lonely nights in our bed than ones with him in it.” She looked out the window as her expression turned melancholy.

“I know you’re lonely, Leila. But your husband’s not in the same house as you, forcing you to sleep in a different room each night. It’s different. I was okay when August was at the treatment facility. But with him home, I can’t take it.” Getting up, I paced back and forth in front of the window. “I love him—adore him. But I can’t take him pushing me away each night. It’s just too hard. I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to live in the same house together like this, so I think I need to take some time to figure things out.”

“You’re right,” she said, as she nodded. “Maybe you’re not the right girl for him then. I don’t know if there will ever be a right girl for my brother.” Her legs crossed as she tapped her chin, thinking about something. “August has seen so much. Been through so much. Maybe he’s broken beyond repair and will just have to deal with living his life alone.”

Listening to her talk about him that way made my heart pound. “I don’t believe he’s broken beyond repair. I never said that. The fact is he’s making progress. He didn’t hurt me last night. I was able to douse him with water, and he came around very easily. I handled the situation just fine, but then he went and took me to a different room anyway. He wouldn’t listen to a thing I said.”

“Not my brother,” she said with a smile. “Are you calling him strong-willed, tenacious, stubborn—a man who thinks he and he alone knows what’s best?”

She knew the man alright. “So, what am I to do about that? Tell me, please. I want to know.”

“This is just a road block, Tawny. Sure, maybe things aren’t working out as perfectly as you’d hoped, but this might be the way it has to be—for now anyway. Don’t let one small deviation from your dream stop you from experiencing this thing you and he have together.” She got up, coming to me, then her arms were around me, hugging me. “I know it’s hard. Life is hard. It’s hard for August, you, me, my husband—everyone in some way or another. Don’t let frustration end what you two have. Learn to accept the things that come along with loving a man who has some problems.”

“I just feel like this has already hurt me so much—how will I feel after years of this? It’s like I lose a little piece of my heart every time he shuts me out,” I admitted. “Eventually there will be nothing left.”

“You feel that way because you love him. Leaving him will only make that loss and hurt so much bigger. For both of you.” Leila let me go and walked away from me, leaving me alone in the room.

Leaning against the wall near the window, I eased my body down until I was sitting on the hardwood floor. My head still ached, my stomach had an enormous knot in it, and my heart pounded.

I’d never felt so terrible in my entire life. But I knew what I had to do.

Chapter 28

August

Taking a break to eat some lunch, I found Natasha sitting at our table alone. No one else from our ragtag group had come into the cafeteria yet. Her eyes were red from crying. “So, have you had a rough morning with therapy?”

Her blue eyes glistened with unshed tears. “He left me, August. I went home last night, and my husband and our kids were gone. He left me a note, saying he couldn’t handle this anymore.” She burst into tears, and I quickly got up to go hug her.

“Natasha, everything’s going to be okay. If he really left you, he’s not worth your tears anyway,” I tried to comfort her.

“What about my kids?” she wailed.

Feeling sorry for her and knowing the cafeteria was no place for her to be breaking down like this, I helped her up and took her to my doctor’s quarters, vacant during the lunch hour. At least she could break down in private.

“The kids can be sorted out. I’m sure you can get custody of them. Are you okay, financially speaking?” I asked her.

“No,” she cried. “I don’t have anything coming in since I left the marines. He’s been bringing in all the money since then. And when I went to swipe my card at the ATM, I found out my card had been canceled. He’s left me without a damn thing, the fucking bastard!”

I had no idea why a person would do such a thing. But then again, I knew bad shit happened all the time.

“I’m sure things will work out,” I tried to calm her down. “I’ll hire a divorce lawyer for you. He’ll get things straightened out before you know it. It’s not legal what he’s doing to you, and we can stop some of it from happening.”

She threw her arms around my neck “August, thank you, thank you so much. How can I ever repay you?”

“Just by getting better, Natasha. Now come on, buck up and believe that everything will work out the way it should. I’ll go grab my cell from the receptionist and call my lawyer to get his recommendation for a good divorce lawyer. With any luck, you can meet with one right after today’s session. I’ll do my best to set that up for you.” I let her go and headed for the door. “You stay here as long as you need to. But just know that very soon things will be as right for you as they can be.”

“You’re my hero, August Harlow,” her words stopped me. Tawny had told me those same words.

Shaking my head, I looked at her. “I’m just a guy with enough money to help out, that’s all.”

Natasha shook her head. “You’re far more than just that. Your fiancé is lucky to have you.”

I left Natasha then, feeling a bit odd about that last exchange. After I’d made the call and had good news to tell her, I went back to my doctor’s quarters, finding Natasha still there, talking to my doctor.

She looked at me as I came in and rushed to hug me. “There he is, my hero!”

“Oh, come on now, I told you I’m just a guy with money, Natasha. I’m no hero.” I gently pushed her to let me go, and she did so. Handing her the piece of paper I’d scribbled the name and address on, I continued, “Here you go. Meet the lawyer at her office at this address. She’ll be waiting for you. I told her you’re busy until five, and she understood. I’ve already taken care of the payment, and she said she could have things straightened out tomorrow. You have nothing to worry about. You’re in very capable hands now, Natasha.”

“Thank you, August.” Her fingers trailed over my hand as she took the paper. “And I know this might sound kind of bad, but I’m going to say it anyway. If you and your fiancé don’t work out, give me a call. I think we could make each other very happy.”

And there it was. I’d thought something felt a bit off between us, but it could be just the shock of it all for her.

I didn’t want to crush her spirit either way. Giving her chin a playful tap with my fist, I said, “You just get things straightened out, slugger. Things will get better, you’ll see.”

With a smile, she left the room, and my doctor looked at me. “I think now would be an excellent time for you to talk about your feelings for your fiancé. How are things going in that department, August?”

“I had to put her in another room last night.” I took a seat on the sofa and crossed my leg, resting my hand on my ankle. “I did it again, had some dream, did something to her that might’ve hurt her. She woke me up by splashing me with water. I don’t know how I’m going to handle this thing.”

“And how did she react when you asked her to go to another room, August?” he asked me with a knowing grin.

“Not well. And I didn’t ask her, I took her there and locked her door, so I couldn’t get to her. Then I locked my own door, so she couldn’t get to me, either. I was afraid she’d try to come back to my bed. And I’m also afraid that this is putting a strain on our relationship.” I caught some movement out of the corner of my eye and turned my head to see that Natasha had slipped back in.

She looked at me with those blue eyes, a smile on her face. “Um, I didn’t mean to interrupt, but I needed to ask one more teeny little favor from you, August.”

I excused myself from the doctor’s room and joined her in the hallway for some privacy. “What’s that?” I pushed my hand through my hair, worrying that she might ask me something to get me alone. And now that she’d overheard what I’d said, I knew she’d seen an opportunity to get her claws into me. Being a wealthy man, having a woman use unconventional methods to catch my attention was nothing new to me.

“I need a ride to the lawyer’s office. I don’t have much gas in my car and, if you’ll recall, I don’t have access to any money.” She looked down with a shameful expression.

Getting up, I reached into my pocket. All I had were three hundreds, and I pulled one out and handed it to her. “Here you go.”

“Oh, no. I don’t want your money.” She looked up at me. “You’ve already given me so much, paying for the lawyer and all. Just a ride would be fine.”

She might have been being honest, but I wasn’t going to risk falling into any kind of scheme that aimed for my seduction. I’m sure she thought it would be a great way to get back at her ass of a husband. I couldn’t blame her for what she wanted, but I wasn’t about to mess up what I had waiting for me at home. “Natasha, I’m very much in love with my fiancé. Now take the money, and do us both a favor and stop whatever train of thought you might be on, okay? I’d like to stay on good terms with you.”

A blush turned her cheeks beet red, and she nodded then left the room. I turned back into the room and saw my doctor smiling at me—clearly my attempt at privacy hadn’t worked. “You handled that very well, August. So now we have the matter of figuring out how you’re going to handle your nightmares and your fiancé.”

That was a hell of a lot harder than what I’d just done. Taking a seat, I went back to what we’d been talking about. “I’m sure you’ve seen this before, Doc. What do people do when this sort of thing happens?”

“I’d like to be perfectly frank with you, August. Can you handle that?” He pulled his glasses off and looked at me with a serious expression.

Something told me that I wouldn’t much like what he had to say at all.

Chapter 29

Tawny

Calum and I got home a little before August. My heart ached, but I’d resolved myself to the fact that August and I would never be able to have a normal life together. But then again, nothing had ever been normal for us.

At only eighteen, I’d found the strength to have a baby all on my own. One fiery night of passion had filled my heart with something I’d never felt before. At the time, I had no idea that it was actually love for August.

In the days that followed his leaving me, I’ve felt numb at times and full of pain at other times. August and I had never had a relationship at that point; we had hardly spent any time together. So, why did I miss him so damn much?

Back then, I’d talked to my best friend, Beth, about how I felt, and she’d had no idea what to say to me. Beth and I weren’t alike at all—we were night and day really. She’d lost her virginity at the tender age of fifteen. In the following years, she’d had at least six different boyfriends. Attachments like love didn’t come easy to her, so she didn’t understand why I was crying over some guy I’d had sex with for only one night.

Somehow, with that one night, August had become a part of me. And a few months later, I realized I’d missed my period. Most girls that age would’ve panicked. I wasn’t panicked at all. Once I thought it might be possible, I’d actually hoped that I would be pregnant.

Crazy, I know.

I’d asked Beth to pick up a pregnancy test and bring it over. With that test, I’d found out that I was going to have a baby. August Harlow’s child.

At that time, his parents still lived next door; they hadn’t moved away yet. I could’ve gone over and told them the news. They would’ve told August, and things would’ve been so different.

I didn’t want to do that though. I didn’t want to get in the man’s way—he’d told be from the beginning it was a one-time thing, no matter the fanciful promises we made to each other. And I was happy to have a part of him that I would have forever. Our son.

Back then, I decided to take on all the responsibility, and as hard as it was, I thoroughly enjoyed every moment with Calum in my life. And when I saw how much he resembled August as he grew, it only served to make me even happier.

Though falling in love with someone overnight hardly made any sense at all, my love for August gave me strength.

Could I find that strength again?

August and I were engaged. Marriage meant sacrificing things for the sake of your spouse. Could I sacrifice sleeping with my husband so that we could have a marriage and a family?

The idea that I was short-changing myself still lingered in the back of my mind.

I knew I’d short-changed myself by keeping my pregnancy a secret from him, too. I’d lost the chance to have support throughout my pregnancy. I’d lost the chance to have help taking care of my child. But I knew I’d short-changed August and Calum with my decision as well.

My parents were great and helpful, but they couldn’t replace the father that had been missing since day one. Things had been tough for me, especially once I’d started college. I was still pregnant when I began the nursing program. We had to do clinicals at one of the local nursing homes, and there were times I’d have to rush out of the patient’s rooms to deal with my pregnancy-induced nausea.

My mother told me it was from the stress of having a child without any idea of how to get in contact with the father. I’d lied to my parents about who the father was, and that lie had me dancing around at times.

The truth was, I hadn’t felt stressed out about having the baby. But worry had consumed me at times about August and his safety. I’d actually had nightmares about what August was going through. I hated the fact that he was in danger.

As time went on, and our son was born, that worry over August—his whereabouts, whether he was okay or even still breathing—became less and less intense. Not that I didn’t care, but I just grew to accept the fact that marines live hard lives, and that was the life he’d chosen.

Now I was faced once again with having to accept a lot of new things all at once. Like the fact that I might not get to actually sleep with him for some time, or maybe never.

Again, I asked, am I short-changing myself?

The answer was that I probably was. The same way I’d done before.

Calum’s voice shook me from my internal struggle. “Momma, when’s Dad coming home?”

I checked my cell to see what time it was. “Should be about a half hour or so,” I answered. And as I held the phone in my hand, a call rang in from August. With a swipe, I answered the call. “Hello! Were your ears ringing? Calum and I were just talking about you.”

He chuckled. “No, they weren’t ringing. I’m calling to let you know I’m going to be a little late. Some problems with the nightclub have come up. I’ve got to go over there and meet with my partners for a little while. Tell Calum I miss him and let him stay up so I can see him, will you?”

“How late are you going to be?” I asked him with a sigh, knowing this would be disappointing news to Calum.

“I really have no idea, baby. I doubt it’ll be later than nine.”

Calum’s bedtime was eight, and he had school the next day. Keeping him up past his bedtime wasn’t something I was keen on doing. “I guess I can keep him up a little past his bedtime. But can’t you let them know you have a little boy who hasn’t seen you in a couple of weeks and misses you pretty badly?”

“I will definitely do that. I’ll do my best to get out of there as fast as I can, baby. See you in a bit. Love you. Bye now.” With that, he ended the call.

Calum was staring at me when I put the phone back in my pocket. “Well?”

“Well, Dad’s got a meeting to get to. He’ll be a little late.” I tried not to get upset about the disappointed expression on Calum’s face.

“Okay,” he whimpered then climbed onto the sofa, laying down and burying his face in one of the pillows.

I sat next to him, rubbing his back. “It’s okay, you’ll see him later. He said I should let you stay up until he gets home—even if he’s really late. He’ll definitely be reading you a bedtime story tonight. Even if I have to go down to that nightclub of his and drag him home.”

“Promise?” Calum asked, as he moved his head to look at me.

“I promise.” Pushing his hair out of his face, I kissed his cheek. “Now, come on, let’s get some dinner.”

The fairy tale I’d made up in my head about how life would be with August was coming to an end. I’d never been in a relationship—perhaps I should’ve dated at least a little to find out what relationships really were like.

Things were hitting me harder than I ever thought they would. And I knew I was being unrealistic about how things should be going for us. Even with August having PTSD, I hadn’t really thought it would be like this.

I’d lied to myself, it seemed. But I had Calum to think about. What would be best for him had always been my number one priority. Having a father was what was best for our son. I’d just have to learn to deal with the reality of what being with August Harlow meant.

Tara smiled at us as we entered the kitchen. “Good evening, you two. I’ve got some appetizers on the bar over there, and dinner will be served at seven, as usual.”

“Perfect.” I went over to the tray of appetizers, finding some fresh veggies alongside a creamy white dip. “Yum. Come on, Calum, dig in.”

Tara was busily preparing the meal, and everything smelled awesome as we sat in the kitchen and waited. But as busy as she was, it didn’t stop her from filling me in on how the Thanksgiving plan was coming along. “The smoked turkey and ham I ordered came in this afternoon. And I made it to the farmer’s market to pick up the organic vegetables and herbs for the day after tomorrow.”

Calum perked up then as he realized something. “Hey, I only gotta go to school tomorrow, then I’m off for four whole days! And I get out early tomorrow.”

“Yep.” I ran my hand over his little head. “And you’ll have lots of fun with your cousins, and Gramma and Grandpa will be here, too. Not to mention that you’ll get to meet your father’s parents, too—you’re going to have another Gramma and Grandpa. It’ll be so much fun.”

With the talk of the upcoming holiday, Calum came out of his funk. In no time at all, he was dancing around, talking about what he was going to do on Thanksgiving. He was also excited to get to say what he was thankful for, practicing how he would share that he was most thankful for finding his Dad.

As bad as my heart ached over the complications between me and August, and knowing that they wouldn’t get resolved any time in the foreseeable future, the joy of watching my son be so happy took over.

I could do this. I could do it for our son.

Chapter 30

August

My therapist’s words echoed in my head as I came into the house at seven thirty. “You shouldn’t force your fiancé to do something that hurts or upsets her, August.”

In short, he thought I was wrong for making Tawny leave my bedroom. She wasn’t some child; she was a grown woman and a nurse to boot. And I had to give her some credit for how she’d handled both situations. More than I’d been giving her, I supposed.

But it still gnawed at me that I might really hurt her, and that overrode anything anyone else thought.

As soon as I stepped into the central living area, I heard feet smacking the hardwood floor. “Dad!”

My little six-year-old flew through the air, the smile on his face melting my heart. “Son! My goodness, I missed you.” I caught him up in my arms, hugging him as his small arms ran around my neck.

Tawny came in behind him. “We’ve just finished dinner. Yours has been sitting in the oven, keeping warm.”

“I’ve already eaten.” Calum still clung to me as if I was a life preserver, and he was in stormy seas. “The meeting was about the menu. We had all these samples to taste. I have no room left.”

Tawny spun around. “I’ll let Tara know then.”

As she walked away, I sensed something off with her—there was a frigidness about her. Her eyes, usually so full of love, seemed dull. My heart thumped in my chest at the thought that she might be getting tired of dealing with me and my problems already.

Our love was new—fragile—maybe so new it was something she could easily walk away from. Maybe the doc was right. Maybe I shouldn’t make her do things she didn’t want to, like leaving my bed.

“Dad, am I gonna meet your parents?” Calum asked me with a wide grin on his cute little face.

“You are,” I said, kissing his rosy red cheek. “They’re going to love you almost as much as I do.”

“I bet I’ll love ‘em, too, then.” He was finally ready for me to put him down, and I placed him on the floor. “So, how was it in there, Dad?”

“Pretty good. Not as bad as I thought it might be. I missed you and your momma a lot tough.” My eyes darted to Tawny as she came back into the room. “It’s nearly his bedtime.”

“Yep,” she said, as she came and took Calum’s hand. “Bath time, then bedtime. Come on, kiddo.”

As they walked away, I realized Tawny hadn’t even given me a kiss hello. Now the chill was evident. There was something wrong here.

“I’ll meet you guys in Calum’s room at eight, then.” I shoved my hands into my pockets, rocking back and forth on my feet, feeling uneasy.

“’Kay,” Tawny called back without turning to look at me.

Had I really gone too far when I’d forced her out of my room despite her protests?

Strolling to the bar, I made myself a small glass of Scotch and took a seat. All my adult life I’d been making decisions for more than just myself. Had that made me hard?

Tawny and I had a connection—that much was true. But was it strong enough to withstand this hard time? And would she be able to love a man who was used to having things his way?

The truth was that Tawny and I were great together when it came to sex. And we were doing a great job at co-parenting Calum, I’d say. But what about the rest of the stuff that came with being a couple? Relationships were hard enough to sustain; could she handle all the extra baggage that came along with me?

After finishing the drink, I headed to Calum’s room, finding him dressed in some Paw Patrol pajamas and picking out a book from his bookshelf. “Hey, Dad. Here’s one Momma said is called The Princess and the Pea. Wanna read this one to me?”

“Sure do,” I said, and looked at Tawny, who seemed to be leaving the room. “Hey, you going somewhere?”

“Yeah, I’m going to my bedroom where I’m taking a long hot bath with a glass of wine, then turning in for the night. See you both tomorrow. Goodnight, sleep tight, and don’t let the bedbugs bite. Love you both.” She blew us a kiss before she left.

Now I knew I’d made her mad.

Gulping, I took a seat on the edge of Calum’s bed as he climbed in, snuggling under the blankets. “Momma said you and I should have father-son time from now on when you read me my bedtime story.”

“Hmm.” I wasn’t happy about that at all. She wasn’t even talking to me about anything. She’d just gone and made decisions all on her own—and she’d already done that for six years where Calum was concerned.

But I swallowed my anger and read the story to our son. As soon as he’d fallen asleep, I went to her bedroom door. It was locked.

Now the anger came back, and I knocked on the door with a loud bang. ‘Tawny!”

No response came, and I knocked harder, my voice louder when I called out to her. Yet still, there was no response. Pulling my cell out, I typed out a message, telling her to come to my bedroom because we needed to talk. But even that didn’t get an immediate response.

I headed to my bedroom, shucked my suit and got into the shower. My head was a mess, worry mixed with anger, and I hated how I felt. I finished my shower and headed out into my bedroom, wearing nothing more than a towel around my waist, and found Tawny sitting on one of the small sofas. She was wearing a fluffy white robe and sipping a glass of red wine.

“Why aren’t you in the bed waiting for me, Tawny?” I walked toward her slowly.

“I thought I’d let you get some sleep. What did you want?” She looked past me for some reason, deliberately avoiding my gaze.

“You thought you’d let me sleep?” I went to take a seat on the other sofa.

“Yeah. I’m tired. If we have sex…”

I interrupted her. “You mean, if we make love.”

“Yeah, whatever,” she flicked her hand in a little wave as if there was no difference. “If we did, then I’d most likely fall asleep and you don’t want that, so I’ll just fall asleep in my own bed tonight.” She acted like it wouldn’t bother her in the least, staying apart from me all night.

“I was gone for two weeks, and you think one night together is enough for me?” I ran my hand over my stomach as I thought about her agreeing to try to get pregnant.

“I didn’t say that.” She pulled the glass of wine to her lips, taking a long sip. “You don’t want me to sleep with you, August. I get it. I understand even. But that means that sometimes, when I feel really tired, I’ll have to forgo the lovemaking. Otherwise we might fall asleep together, and you don’t want that. I want to respect your wishes, that’s all.”

But that wasn’t all. If that was all, then she’d be able to look at me as she said it, which she didn’t. “Tawny, you can be truthful with me. Is something wrong?”

Finally, her eyes moved to meet mine. “August, of course, there’s something wrong. I love you. I want to sleep next to you, feel your arms around me, feel your body behind mine as we spoon the night away—every night. And I can’t have that. So, yes, there’s something wrong. But even so, I love you, and I want this to work. So, I’m not going to fight you about it anymore. I’ll sleep in my own room.”

She was giving me what I wanted, and yet she wasn’t. “I’ve missed you, Tawny. I really wanted to make love to you tonight. Or at least spend some time talking with you before you rushed off to bed.”

“And I’d love that, too. Do you think I haven’t missed you today? I have. But I’m just tired. It’s been a rough day.” She took another drink of the wine.

“And why has this day been so rough, baby?” I watched her take a bigger gulp of wine than her previous sips. She was obviously using the alcohol to cope with things.

“Okay, if you must know, I cried myself to sleep last night after you took me to my room. And I’ve been thinking all day about how I’d be selling myself short, living this separate kind of life with you. I even talked to your sister about moving out of here. I went so far as to call the lady I rented my apartment from and asked her if it was still available, if you must know.” She downed more wine.

Even though her words hit me square in the chest, I couldn’t help but notice that she was downing her drink too quickly—and relying on it too much during this conversation. I got up, walked over to her and took the glass from her hand. “No more of this. You should be clear-headed for this discussion.” Placing it on the table next to her, I sat down beside her. “Are you unhappy now?”

She looked me square in the eyes. “August, I am very unhappy now.”

It was never my intention to make her unhappy. But at least she was honest with me. “Do you think you’ll be okay in time?”

“I have no clue.” Her honesty was complete, but it was overwhelming.

Could I live with myself, knowing that she wasn’t as happy as she could be?

“My doctor advised me not to make you do anything that you don’t want to.” I ran my hand over her shoulder then up to her chin, taking it with my fingers to make her look at me, forcing her to take her gaze off the floor. “But Tawny, I am deathly afraid of hurting you. I am a trained killer—it would be so easy for me to hurt you by accident when I’m like that. You have no idea how hard it’s been for me to take you out of my bed and lock you away from me.”

“I’m sure it was hard. And I know what you’re afraid of.” She blinked a few times, and I could tell she was holding something back. Then she said it. “I’m afraid of this separating us, August. I’m afraid that our relationship is just too new to handle this right now. And I know this isn’t your fault. But it’s not mine either.”

Swallowing hard, I knew she was right. “Maybe I’m not meant to have a real relationship.”

All she could do was nod. “Maybe not.”

“I do love you.” I leaned forward to kiss her, but she pressed her hand against my lips, stopping the kiss. “You don’t want me to kiss you?” I asked incredulously.

“I do, but I’ll want so much more if you do that.” The way her brows furrowed told me she was teetering on the edge of something. “I think I’ll get used to this with time. But for now, I feel hurt when you make me leave. I’m trying my best to deal with this. I’m doing everything I can.”

What in the hell could I do?

“This is a thing I can’t control, Tawny,” I whispered, and then took her hand, holding it in mine and kissing each knuckle of her balled-up fist.

“You think I don’t know that?” She watched me as I kissed her hand with soft sweet kisses.

“What I think is this, baby.” Her skin felt soft beneath my hands as I ran them up her arms. “I think you and I can figure things out together. I think you and I can eventually have a normal life. So, how about we do this—you come to this bed, our bed, each night. We’ll be together, either holding each other or making love until you fall asleep. I’ll stay awake and carry you to your bed once you fall asleep.”

The sadness that took over her expression told me that wasn’t going to be enough for her. “If only that would make things better. But I know it won’t. I know I’ll wake up once I can’t feel your body close to mine. You’re a part of me; you have been since that first night. It was okay before, not to have you physically in my life, in my bed. Now that I have you, I need you like you’ll never understand.”

“Don’t you think there’s some way you can come to terms with this?” I asked her as I brushed her hair back, pinning a lock of it behind her ear. My lips yearned to graze over her neck. “For instance, if I had a job where I had to get up earlier than you did, would it bother you so much to be in the bed alone?”

“But it’s not like that. You’re just down the hallway, not gone.” She looked away as if nothing would ever make this any better.

I may have been considered the stubborn one in our relationship, but Tawny was proving to be pretty stubborn herself. And I was at a loss as to how to help her accept things for what they were.

As hard as it was to let her go, I did it. “I guess there’s nothing I can say then. Good night, Tawny. I love you.” Then I got up and walked away.

It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done.

Chapter 31

Tawny

Thanksgiving came and went. At least the busy holiday season took my mind off how long it had been since August and I had been intimate.

We had gotten along alright. But with the lack of intimacy came a distance between us. When we were asked at the dinner table on Thanksgiving if we’d scheduled a date for the wedding, we’d both murmured a quiet no.

Leila took me aside, asking me how things were going. I told her what we were doing, and she told me to stay strong and give things time. I’d been doing that, but nothing was getting any better.

It began to feel as if August and I were roommates. We did things with Calum together, but I continued to let August read to him each night alone. I’d go take a bath and go to bed with a book, much the same as I’d done all the years before, when I was single. Only now, Calum wasn’t coming into my bed each night. The security of knowing there was a monitor right next to him so he could reach me was enough to end that little habit he’d had.

Little by little, I got back into my old routine. Christmas was right around the corner, and another big holiday party had been planned. Everyone would come to August’s house once more to spend the holiday.

Our Christmas Eve dinner—with just August, Calum, and I—proved to be a pivotal moment in our lives. When we left the dining room, August asked me to come talk to him in his room after he’d put Calum to bed.

When I went in, staying dressed in my jeans and button down, I found him to be fully dressed too. That surprised me, as I thought he might try to pull out all the stops to get me into his bed that night.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

“Please, sit down, Tawny.” He gestured to one of the sofas, and I took a seat. He sat across from me on a chair. “We need to talk.”

“So you said. What would you like to talk about?” I asked him as I sat back and tried in vain to get comfortable.

He pointed at me then at himself. “There’s a rift between us.”

All I could do was nod. “Yes, I agree.”

“Do you still love me?” His hazel eyes bore into mine.

“I’ll always love you, August,” I admitted.

“And I, you.” He looked away, trying to steel himself to tell me more. “But this isn’t working.”

Taking the engagement ring off my finger, I placed it on the table between us, feeling numb. “I agree. We shouldn’t be getting married right now, if ever. We had a child, but that doesn’t mean we have to be together forever.”

“I don’t want you to leave.” He looked at the ring instead of me. “I want you to stay here with us.”

“I’d never leave my son anyway. What should we tell Calum?” My fingers ran over my finger where the heavy ring had been. I hadn’t even worn it that damn long, but I already felt its absence, and it felt horrible.

He let out a big breath. “I think we can figure that out later.” He paused for a moment, looking down at his hands as if preparing himself for what he had to say next. “I’ve been talking to my therapist,” he started. He’d progressed to doing his therapy sessions every other day now. “And to some other people, too—people who have what I have—people who’ve been in marriages that haven’t worked out because of this. But if not being able to sleep together makes this much of a difference in our relationship, then maybe sex was the only thing holding us together in the first place.” He reached across the table, taking the ring and closing his fist around it.

As I watched the ring disappear, my numbness began to fade, and it hit me. He and I were over.

“Then that’s it,” I said, my heart breaking as I stood up to leave. “Good night.”

“Good night,” he echoed.

My feet moved at a normal pace, even though I wanted to run out of the room. Tears starting pooling in my eyes as I walked toward my bedroom, the dam finally bursting as I crossed the threshold. In no time at all, I’d gone from finding true love and getting engaged, to breaking up.

Falling on my bed, I buried my face in the pillow to hide my cries. What he’d said had hurt—that there was only sex between us. I’d made him fall out of love with me. By withholding myself from him, I’d ended what we’d found.

Pounding the bed with my fists, I tried to get the frustration and anger out of my system. I’d be living under the same monstrous roof as the man, but I would never have him again.

Everything inside of me hurt—my heart, my head, my entire body.

Every time August had tried to touch me, I’d shied away, telling him I couldn’t handle that yet. I wasn’t ready to make love with him and be forced to leave him.

One day had turned into another and another until it led to the one that ended it all.

Life as I’d known it was over. But then again, I supposed it’d been over since the night I’d made up my mind to sleep in my own room. I had no one but myself to blame.

I knew our relationship was more than mere sex. I was the one who took everything off the table. Not just the sex, but every little act of intimacy. I didn’t like to be alone with August at all, knowing I’d want him if we were alone.

I’d been cold at times, shutting myself down to avoid having any arousal for the man. My body had craved him, but I had managed to lock that craving away, telling myself that I had to get stronger before I could deal with that.

It seemed I’d waited too long.

Christmas morning came, and so did his family. My mother and father came, too. It was my mother who noticed the absence of the ring. “Tawny, you’re not wearing your engagement ring.”

Her words caused many sets of eyes to shift toward my hand. Before I could think of anything to say, August came to my side. Always the hero. “We might as well get this out in the open. Tawny and I won’t be getting married. She will continue to live here for as long as Calum does, though. We’ll continue to raise our son together. We’ve agreed to do what’s best for him, and we do have love in our hearts for one another. We’ll never hurt each other, and Calum will always be put first.”

My jaw clenched, and I couldn’t say a word. My brain screamed at me that this was all my fault. If I had tried to work around the problem, then we’d still be in love and getting married. Instead, we were surrounded by pitying eyes as our families learned our sad state of affairs.

Leila sighed heavily and leaned against her husband, who ran his arm around her, holding her close. Those two barely lived together with his work schedule, and yet they’d had half a dozen kids and found a way to make it all work.

Why couldn’t I figure out how to make it work no matter what the obstacles were? I wasn’t a dumb person. So why had I resolved myself to this?

Christmas Day was long and hard and full of awkward conversations. August’s mother had slipped up and mentioned finding the perfect little mother-of-the groom dress at some shop in Napa Valley. Her eyes had gone wide as she remembered that she wouldn’t need it anymore. Then her eyes went to August, who sat near Calum, before traveling to me, pity and sadness filling them once more as she apologized for saying that.

August and I stood side by side that night, saying goodbye to everyone as they left the foyer to head to their homes. Then the three of us turned around to head upstairs: me to bathe Calum, August to read to him afterward.

Was this how life would be from now on? And if so, just how long could I take it?

If I was unhappy before, I’d become completely miserable.

Calum’s smile had faded as we made our way up the stairs. “So, you guys really aren’t gettin’ married now?”

I’d mentioned something to Calum earlier in the day, before anyone had arrived, and he hadn’t had much of a reaction—I guess it was because he didn’t think it was real. This was the first time he mentioned it since. August and I exchanged looks. “Nah, not right now,” August said lightly, like it wasn’t a big deal at all. “But that’s not going to change a thing, don’t you worry, buddy.”

“Do you think you might get married someday and then we could be a real family?” he asked as we reached the top of the stairs, and he stopped to turn back to look at us. “And what about the brothers and sisters you said you wanted me to have? What about them? What about all the plans?” Calum burst into tears, great heaving sobs that tore at my heart. I wished I could fix everything for him.

But there wouldn’t be any fixing it. So, I stood there, frozen on the staircase as August, the hero, scooped our son up., “Things are going to be fine, Calum,” he murmured softly. “Momma and Daddy will always love you, and we’ll always be a family—just in a different way. You don’t have to cry.”

The two of them continued on to Calum’s room, leaving me alone. My legs felt weak, and I sat on the top step, putting my face in my hands. It wasn’t just my life that was falling apart before my eyes—it was my son’s, too. Maybe not as badly as some people’s do, but for us, it was bad. And then there was August, strong as hell on the outside, but ripped to shreds on the inside.

August must’ve seen the state I was in, because he called back to me. “I’ve got him, Tawny. I’ll give him his bath and put him to bed. ’Night.”

Instead of heading to my room, I went back downstairs. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. All I could do was berate myself internally for screwing everything up.

I headed out to the garage, where I got into a random car and drove off, not wanting to see the mansion August let me live in, not wanting to be around the two people I loved more than anything. I’d failed them both immeasurably.

August had always been my hero, but I couldn’t bring myself to be one to him or our son.

Selfish bitch!

That’s all I kept saying to myself as I just kept driving. I didn’t realize where I was heading until I’d arrived at August’s nightclub, Swank. Opening night was only a week away.

Parking the car across the street, I looked at what they’d built. The building was a masterpiece even though it hadn’t been lit up yet. I wondered if August still wanted me to be his date for the grand opening.

And if he did, would I go?

People usually kissed their dates as the clock struck midnight on New Year’s Eve. I couldn’t allow that to happen. One kiss from him now would tear me apart.

I decided to tell him to find another date. I couldn’t expect him to take me when we weren’t even dating anymore.

And how would I react to seeing another woman on his arm?

The thought made me sick to my stomach.

What a selfish bitch!

It was bad enough that I’d turned cold on him, but now I didn’t want him to have anyone else in his life?

Heartless!

That’s exactly what I was.

I’d probably never see the inside of the expensive, over-the-top club. But I bet that I’d see plenty of pictures of the man I loved inside it—probably pictures with pretty women all over him.

Even though I knew exactly who to blame for how things had fallen apart, I still had to ask myself how the hell it had all happened.

Pounding the steering wheel, I shouted and cried, screaming at myself the whole time. And once I’d gotten it all out, once I’d run out of air, I headed back home.

Back to the place I knew I had to stay until Calum was out of school. Now that we’d been living this way, the three of us together, it wouldn’t be fair to take that away from him anytime soon.

Back up the stairs I trudged. Walking down the long hallway, I looked straight ahead at August’s closed bedroom door. My feet carried me right to it.

I stopped just in front of it. Little sounds inside the room told me he was there, just on the other side of the door. Maybe naked, having just come from the shower. A pulse thumped deep inside of me. Wetness filled my core.

Would it be enough to let him fuck me and then leave him to go back to my room?

My body wanted to feel his, and that craving was louder than the voice in my head telling me how wrong it was for me to even ask that of him.

I gripped the doorknob in my shaking hand. But when I went to turn it, I found it locked. My jaw clenched in frustration. And then the anger set in. He’d locked me out—that’s exactly why I’d shut down my feelings for him in the first place.

But those feelings were still there; I’d just buried them under fear, anger, frustration, and most of all—out of weakness. Where had that strong woman I’d been when I was just a kid of eighteen gone?

Chapter 32

August

I wasn’t playing mind games with Tawny, exactly, but I was letting her see what life would be like if she couldn’t come around and realistically deal with things.

She wouldn’t let me touch her, made sure she was never alone with me, and had even stopped talking to me like she used to. I watched as she let her heart freeze over as she tried to force what she truly felt for me into a place where it couldn’t get out.

Tawny wasn’t Tawny anymore, and I knew it would take something drastic to bring her back. I hated that Calum was being hurt by this, but sometimes it takes a bit of hurt to start the healing process. Like it or not, Calum was a part of us, and when we hurt, he hur,t too. That’s just life in a family.

It took all I had to walk away from Tawny as she sat at the top of the stairs. But she had to be alone. She had to know what it would be like if she kept building the fortress around her heart. Tawny was hurting us all, not just me or herself, each and every one of us. Something had to give.

Sitting on the edge of my bed, I was just about to turn off the lamp and lay back when I heard the soft rattle of my doorknob. It had to be Tawny.

I didn’t have anything on, and I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, so I pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms before going to the door. When I pulled it open, no one was there.

Taking a couple of steps to the door to her room, I found it was locked, so I went back to bed. Maybe I’d been wrong. Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part that Tawny was there, trying to come into my room.

Laying down, I looked up at the ceiling, my hands behind my head. Maybe it was still a little too soon. But a month had passed without her allowing me to so much as touch her. I felt the timing was right.

I had to admit I didn’t think she’d give me the ring back. That wasn’t my plan at all. But when I’d said things weren’t working out, she’d shucked that ring quicker than anything I’d ever seen. The sight of that ring, sitting on the table, had made my heart stop.

When I’d picked it up, it took everything inside of me not to yell at her to just stop this shit already. I’d fisted it in my hand, hating like hell everything that was happening.

I also had no idea anyone would notice the missing ring or ask anything about it if they did. Even as I’d explained things to our families, I half expected Tawny to come around and say something to me.

She hadn’t. She’d stayed quiet. But I knew she wasn’t happy at all. As a matter of fact, I’d seen her growing sadder and sadder as the day went on. And when our son had started crying, she’d broken down, too. But she hadn’t broken down hard enough, I guess.

What would it take to make her see that she was throwing us away, our whole family?

Calum had put it out there, asking about the brothers and sisters, asking about becoming a real family. I thought that might get to her. It sure as fuck got to me. I guess it hadn’t, though.

As I lay there, thinking about everything, I wondered if I’d been wrong, too.

I could’ve let her stay in my bed, or tried to find some other solution before kicking her out right away. I hadn’t budged a bit on that. Was I to blame, too?

Fuck, you’re an asshole!

My brain turned on me. I’d been looking at Tawny for an entire month, blaming her, wanting her to see the role she’d played in creating this rift between us that grew a little more with each passing day.

My cell dinged, and I looked over at it as it lay on the nightstand next to me. There was a message, and I saw it was from Tawny.

You should find another date for Swank’s opening night, it said.

That was it.

Putting the phone down, I turned over on my side. Had I really fucked things up so badly that she wasn’t going to go with me to the opening night of the club I’d work so hard to build?

The truth was that I hadn’t thought about that at all.

The truth was that nothing had gone the way I had thought it would.

Everything I’d hoped that conversation would accomplish had backfired on me. My intentions were to get a conversation going that would eventually lead us to a place where we could get back to what we had. But it had only served to break us completely.

I had no idea how to fix things. The only thing that did come to mind was that Tawny didn’t mind seeing me with another woman. And that pissed me off.

Would she really go so far as to try to send me into another woman’s arms? Because to me, that meant she didn’t give a shit about me. And that pissed me off to no end.

That girl had loved me; I knew that without a doubt. It was her own stubbornness that had gotten in the way of that. But if she was serious about me taking another woman to the grand opening, then something had to have changed in her heart when she’d deliberately frozen it.

Picking up my cell, I typed in a response.

Won’t be taking anyone. I hit send.

I hoped that would sink into her tenacious head, and soon she’d realize how much it would hurt her to see me with someone else. Hell, it would hurt me to take out another woman—it would have to hurt her, right?

Tossing and turning, I couldn’t get comfortable. She had me irate, and all I could think about was what the hell had gotten into her head to say a thing like that to me?

She’d told me she loved me just the night before. Sure, it wasn’t like she said she was in love with me, just that she’d always have love for me. I supposed that was because I was the father of her child.

I’d said it back, but I knew I didn’t say it the way I meant it. I was a dumb ass then, too.

Shit, when had I turned into such a dumb ass?

Slowly, but surely, it became clear that I was just as much to blame for this shit as she was. Both so stubborn we’d cut our noses off to spite our faces.

But how to fix it…now that was the real question.

How do you fix something that’s so broken?

I had to admit to myself that I didn’t know the answer to that question. I could go to her and apologize, take my share of the blame, but that wouldn’t change anything anyway. I still wasn’t ready to let her stay the nights with me, sleeping with me.

Man, she was so damn stubborn!

Why couldn’t she see that I was afraid of hurting her? Why couldn’t she be okay with that shit?

Sleep wasn’t coming, so I sat up, picked my laptop up off the nightstand and did a little research. It seemed that most people with violent sleep disorders ended up taking medication to ease the problem—which I’d been against.

My mind went back to Dr. Schmidt, asking me whether I’d take medication if I had high blood pressure. And I knew I would.

So, why not take something to help me save my relationship?

Blinking at the screen, I wondered if I’d waited too long to make this decision. Would Tawny give me another chance, or was she done with me?

The text told me she was damn close. The way she was so quick to take my ring off said that as well.

What if it was just too late? Would I be able to live with myself?

Chapter 33

Tawny

I’d noticed that August had been to therapy every single day the entire week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. I hadn’t asked him why that was. Maybe our breakup was worsening his problems.

New Year’s Eve came, and Leila showed up at the house. I had to admit I was surprised, especially since she had a garment bag in one hand and a bottle of Champagne in the other. “I’m here to help you get ready, Tawny. Why is your jaw hanging open like that?”

“What are you doing…?”

She walked past me, heading up the stairs. “I’m here to get you ready for the grand opening at Swank, of course. Come on, I’ve got to get this show on the road. You’re to meet August at the entrance in less than three hours.”

“But Calum…,” I said as I moved along behind her.

“I’m taking him home with me. He’ll stay the night with us.” She hurried to my bedroom.

“He doesn’t need to stay over. August and I don’t…” I stopped. She knew we weren’t having sex. I didn’t need to remind her.

“Oh, yeah, the ‘we’re not romantically involved’ thing. Yes, he told me about that. There’s no need to wake Calum up to take him home so late—that would be silly.” She laid the garment bag on my bed and pointed to the bathroom. “Go in there, shower, and shave every last bit of hair off your body. This dress is quite revealing. And wash your hair, too. I’m going to put it in a fantastic up-do for you. You’re going to be the most gorgeous woman there tonight.” Unzipping the garment bag, I saw something shimmery and white inside.

“Leila, this is so nice of you. But you see, I’ve already told your brother to get another date for this. I’m not about to spend the night with him, dancing, drinking, and possibly kissing him.”

“And why the hell not?” she asked as her hands moved to her hips. “I’ll tell you why you don’t want to do that. It’s because you’re in love with August. You’re being foolish about this not sleeping together nonsense. I’m here to tell you that August has asked me to come get you ready. He only wants you as his date, and he told me to tell you that.”

“He does?” I asked as a shot of heat moved through me. “He told me that he wasn’t going to take anyone to the opening.”

“I don’t know why he said that. He’s taking you, and that’s that. Now hurry up, Tawny!”

With that, I hurried to the bathroom, showering, shaving, and shampooing, too. When Leila was finished with me, I looked like me, but a version of me turned way the hell up.

My hair was curled and pinned in ways that defied imagination. “Wow, you’re good, Leila.”

“So, I’ve been told.” She poured me a glass of champagne. “Drink this. Take the bottle with you—Max is driving you there. It’ll help you to relax and to keep an open mind this evening. See what happens.”

“Nothing will happen. He’s as done with me as it gets. And even if he isn’t, he’s not going to give me what I want. No—what I need.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she said, gently shoving me along. “Let’s get going now.”

The white heels matched the barely-there dress perfectly. A slit came up the inner thigh of my right leg, showing off much more of me than anything I’d ever worn had before. The V-neck plunged all the way to the bottom of my bellybutton, and the back did the same thing, ending just before the crack of my ass.

August had spared no expense, as diamonds dripped off my ears and hung around my neck. Even a diamond ankle bracelet accented the over-the-top get up. I felt like a movie star going to the Academy Awards.

The alcohol didn’t do a lot to help my nerves as I sat anxiously in the back seat while Max drove me to the club. He stopped at the entrance, and there stood August and two other men.

I supposed they were his partners; I’d never met them before. All three of them wore matching black tuxedos, and all three of them were devastatingly handsome. August was the best-looking, though. At least to me, he was.

He came right to me as I got out of the car. “You look amazing, Tawny.”

I gave him the once-over. “As do you.”

“Thank you for coming.” He threaded my arm through his.

“As if Leila would have allowed anything else.” I tried to ignore how sexy he smelled. “Is that a new cologne?”

“It is.” He leaned in so close his breath tickled my ear. “And you smell fantastic.”

“Thank you.” I felt my body flush at the compliment.

As we walked up to the men who were still waiting just outside the door, he introduced me. “Tawny, this is Gannon Forester, and this other gentleman is Nixon Slaughter.”

I extended my hand for a shake, but they took turns kissing the top instead. It turned out they were both waiting for their significant others, so August and I headed inside.

The place was opulent—utterly fantastic. A blue light shone from nowhere and magically filled every space somehow. The entrance was phenomenal. White stone statues had been placed around the perimeter of the round room. “These came straight from Greece.” August pointed over at the doorway that led to the actual club. “Wait ’til you see this.”

Stepping through the door, red light echoed off sparkling waterfalls on either side of them. In the center of the large room, there looked to be a swimming pool. “You can swim in here?” Tawny asked him incredulously.

“No,” he chuckled. “Come on.” Leading me to it, I tried to stop when we got to the edge, but he pulled me along. “Glass covers the water. Didn’t you notice that you can’t hear the waterfalls?”

Looking at the water fixtures on both sides, I couldn’t see the glass that covered them, but I did notice that I couldn’t hear any sound coming from them. “That had to cost a lot of money.”

“Everything in this place did.” His arm moved around to take me by the waist. “Come on, I want to tell you something before anyone gets here.” He took me to a table and sat me down as he continued to stand in front of me. “Tawny, I’ve spent a lot of time this past month looking deeply into myself, and I’ve found a selfish man in there. You told me how important it was for us to be together, always, but I didn’t do a thing to try to fix that problem. I thought keeping away from you at night was the only solution. But I was wrong.”

“You were?” I asked as hope filled me.

“I was. And I’ve been working with my doctors and have found a medication that I can take just before falling asleep that has been proven to help me with my sleeping disorder.” Then he got on one knee, taking my hand. “Tawny, I want you back in our bed. And I know that there is more between us than just sex. We belong together, and I want you to sleep with me each and every night. I want you to marry me and make me the happiest man alive.” He produced my engagement ring, and I didn’t know what to say at all.

“I can sleep with you?” I had to ask.

He nodded. “Yes, you can. And I’m sorry it took me so damn long to figure out that I was being bull-headed. But don’t worry, I’m not about to make you admit that you were being that way, too. So, will you marry me?”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at his little dig at me. It made me happy that he was calling me on my shit, too. “First, let me take my share of responsibility in this. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching, too. I was being stubborn, and I shut myself off as well.” Tears welled in my eyes as I thought about the pain I’d caused us in the past month. “You never did that. You kept trying, and I kept pushing you away. And I am so deeply sorry for doing that. But the fact that you got help with this thing makes me so happy. You have no idea.”

His smile went wide. “Good. So, will you?” He wiggled the ring.

Holding out my left hand, I said, “Please put that back on my finger. I’ve missed it more than I care to admit.”

Slipping it on, he smiled the whole time. “Thank God.”

Pulling me up, he slipped his arms around me, holding me close. “After this, I’m going to take your sweet ass home and make love to you until the sun comes up. Then we’ll sleep a little while before we wake up and do it all over again. That belly will be filled with our next baby before you know it.”

I laughed as he began dancing with me even though no music played. “So, this is going to be one hell of a night. Not what I had in mind a few hours ago.”

“Not one bit.” He dipped me. “This dress looks hot as hell on you, baby. It’ll look even better on our bedroom floor.”

“You think?” I asked with a little giggle.

He pulled me up, slowly, his eyes trained on my mouth. “I know it will. And my cock will look great once it’s slick and shiny with the juices your cunt will leave on it.”

“Shit!” I hissed as he’d already gotten me hot and extremely bothered.

“Yeah, shit.” His eyes never left my mouth as he came closer and closer until our lips barely touched.

A wave of heat gushed through me, my body shook, and desire took over as he kissed me. We shared a kiss that took me away from everything. People had begun to filter in, and neither of us had even noticed as we held each other and kissed like no one was watching.

No one seemed to mind though, and we continued on doing that pretty much the rest of the night.

When all the fun was over, and the club closed after a very successful opening night, we got into the backseat of the car. Max was driving, thank God, so we got to do more than we’d been able to in the crowded club.

The slit in my dress proved to be a big help, allowing August to get to me quickly. Hiking it up only a little, he pushed the tiny bit of lace that formed the front of my thong to one side before kissing me, licking me, and sucking on my clit.

It had been too damn long, and he’d been kissing and caressing me so much in the club that I came in what felt like seconds. But that didn’t seem to bother him in the least as he drank me all up.

“My turn,” I said after I’d caught my breath. I was hungry for his cock and moved around to kneel on the floor as he pulled his cock out for me.

His hands on the side of my head pulled me to him, and then moved me at a slow pace. The taste of him made me groan the entire time. My tongue ran along the underside of his cock with each stroke I made. The taste of cum leaking from his tip had me growling, ready to drink him down.

But he pulled my head away, then pushed me to lie on my back on the floor. He was on top of me, tearing my panties off before slamming his cock into me. I gasped with the pleasure and wrapped my legs around him as he pumped his rock-hard dick into me.

Again, my body had wanted him so badly that it fell apart much too soon—but his had wanted me just as badly, and he came right along with me, filling me with his hot semen.

The car came to a stop as we tried to catch our breath. “We’re home.” August pulled me up, and we headed inside.

My heels came off at the door, and he carried me up the stairs to his bedroom. “So, this is real? I get to sleep with you?”

He nodded as he kicked the door closed behind us. “I had the staff move all your clothes into this other closet in here already. All of your personal toiletries have been put into this bathroom, too.”

“You were pretty damn certain I’d say yes, weren’t you?” I took his handsome face between my palms as I gazed into his hazel eyes.

“You love me. I knew that. You just needed me to give you a little bit more of myself. So, I figured out how to accomplish that. I’ve got you, baby. I always have. From that first night that I made you mine, I’ve had you. Your heart, and even part of your soul, I think. All I had to do was become more of the man you needed me to be.” He kissed me long and hard before tossing me on the bed. “Now, let’s get rid of these clothes.”

Chapter 34

August

Only one year later, we were back again at Swank—which had become extremely popular—at midnight on New Year’s Eve. I looked over as Tawny came walking toward me, her belly beautifully swollen with a little girl and a white bouquet in her hand.

It wasn’t the wedding chapel back in our hometown—it was much better than that.

With Calum as my best man, we stood together watching the woman we both loved walk toward us. We were about to become a real family in Calum’s eyes, and he wanted to be front and center as it happened.

“Man, Momma’s so bootiful, isn’t she, Dad?” he asked me as awe filled his little voice.

“She sure is, son.” I patted his head, but couldn’t take my eyes off my bride. “I hope when you grow up you meet a lady as good and pretty as your mother one day.”

“Me too. You’re lucky, Dad.”

“And I know it, too.” I held out my hand as her father brought Tawny to me.

She handed the bouquet to my sister, her matron of honor. Tawny’s smile was wide and happy. “Hey.”

“Hey.” I rocked on my feet. “You’re up late.”

She chewed her lower lip as she looked me up and down with her pretty green eyes. “So are you.”

I eyed her, taking in the pink stain of her lips, wondering how she’d taste after she became mine in name, too. “You want some company?”

Plump pink lips pulled up to one side as she turned the question back on me. “Why, you want some?”

“I do want some. I’m heading out to boot camp in the morning, and my mind’s a mess about it.” I took her hand, playing with her fingertips.

Her lips formed a straight line as she looked into my eyes. “So, you’re really going then?”

With a nod I went on, “I’m not afraid to fight in this war. But I am afraid I’ll never see home again.”

At my words, she glanced up at the rising full moon through the skylight we’d built just for this momentous occasion. “If it helps at all, I think you’re a hero, August.”

“I’m no hero. Not yet anyway. But thanks. And I should tell you since I might never see you again, that I think you’re beautiful. I’ve thought so ever since you turned fifteen. You and I were too far apart in age to ever do anything about that though.”

Her lips quirked to one side. “Okay, if we’re being honest, then I can tell you that I’ve always thought you were smoking hot.”

The memory of everything that happened between us during our first time popped into my head, and my cock thumped in my tuxedo pants. “Well, I may never make it back, Tawny.”

She looked out at her parents and winked at them as she said, “My parents aren’t home. I’m here alone, August.” Our guests laughed knowingly.

The last line of our little play before the actual vows had me saying, “It would be a one-night thing. You understand that don’t you?”

Then she shook her head. “No, I don’t understand, and neither do you. This will be an every-night thing and for the rest of our lives.”

And she’d been right. We’d found our happily ever after.

The End.

* * *

Tawny

Five Years Later…

“Calum, can you find Tabitha?” Our four-year-old wanted to play hide-and-seek with her older brother, but he wasn’t into it. It didn’t stop her from hiding underneath the coffee table anyway.

At eleven, Calum wasn’t into playing baby games as he called them. When he looked at me, hazel eyes rolling, I knew he wasn’t about to go along with her. So, I turned my attention to our three-year-old, Cole, to see if he was feeling game. One never knew with the moody little boy. “Cole, can you find your big sissy?”

I’d interrupted his cartoon time with my question and that earned me a very loud and boisterous, “No!” his absolute favorite word.

“Okay, so that’s a no-go there.” Looking at the six-month-old baby in my arms, I cooed at Taylor before laying her in the bouncer so I could go find Tabitha. “Let Momma go find your big sissy, Tay-tay.”

In the last five years, I’d given birth to three more children. August’s dream of having a big family was coming true. And now I finally understood why my sister-in-law Leila had a job outside of the house. Escaping to work was a thing I found I needed, too.

Of course, I only worked part-time at Cedars-Sinai in the maternity ward. Now that I’d given birth three more times, I was a virtual pro at it and a big help to laboring mothers. I worked the day shifts every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That’s when Daddy got to take care of this brood he had wanted.

I had to admit—I loved having a lot of little ones around. They made life more enjoyable. And the making of the little replicants of us with my husband was a thing I found myself craving at times.

Making babies was a thing we were good at, and all he had to do was give me that look—the one that told me he wanted to see my belly filled with his child again—and I’d melt into the man.

His PTSD was still an issue, but one that was being handled as well as it could be. He saw the therapist for the eight-hour sessions, along with a dose of MDMA, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The nighttime medication had worked well, too. No more night episodes had occurred since he started taking it, a thing I was extremely grateful for.

I had the man I wanted the way I wanted him, snuggling me as I fell asleep each and every night, holding me all night long. Life had been a dream since then.

But like all dreams, they have to end sometime, and you have to wake up and deal with reality.

I’d felt something in my left boob that morning. It had started suddenly, and I had a bad feeling about it that lingered in the pit of my stomach.

My maternal grandmother had passed away from breast cancer when she was thirty, the same age I was. My mother had a cancer scare when she was thirty-two. Hers was caught early. Although the malignancy was only in one of her breasts, she’d had them both removed just to be on the safe side.

I didn’t want to lose either of mine—I used them to feed our babies, after all. But I’d do whatever I needed to.

Tabitha shouted, “Come find me, somebody!”

So, I got back to that and left the internal reverie on the back burner to go find my not-well-hidden little girl. “Let me see…are you behind the sofa?”

“Nope,” she shouted.

I walked over to an overstuffed chair. “Could you be hiding behind this big chair?”

“Uh, uh!” she called out. “Come on, Mommy.”

Even though I could see her, I continued to walk around the large main living area until I heard the exasperation in her little voice, and then I went to the coffee table and looked underneath it. “Found you!”

Taking her hand, I helped her out as she moaned, “That took a long time, Mommy.”

“Maybe you’d like to play with the doll you got for Christmas, instead of playing this game that no one seems to want to play.” I took her over to the toybox and helped her find the doll.

“Okay.” She took her doll over to the dollhouse her father had built for her.

The baby fussed a bit, so I went to get her out of the bouncer. Holding Taylor, I looked at each one of my kids and a lump formed in my throat. What would they do without me?

What would August do without me?

I didn’t want to think about it, but there it was, staring me in the face. Breast cancer ran in my family, and I had a lump.

The door opened and in came August. “And how are my little hoodlums this evening?”

He was fresh in from his therapy session, and I could see the rosy glow on his cheeks. After giving each one of his children a hug, he pulled the baby out of my arms, then kissed me on the lips.

The soft way he kissed me told me he wanted more. “Hey,” I whispered as his free arm slipped around my waist.

“Hey. You think you can get Denise to look after the kiddos for…” he cocked his head, thinking about how long he thought it might take. “…an hour?”

I didn’t have to answer that as our head of housekeeping came into the room. “I heard Mr. Harlow’s voice and thought I’d see if you two needed me to watch the kids for a little while, so you can discuss his therapy session like you normally do?”

August handed her the baby. “Thank you, Denise.” And with that, he took my hand, leading me out of the room and up to our bedroom.

August

Each pregnancy only served to enhance my wife’s curvaceous body. Pushing the shirt back off her shoulders, I looked at her breasts as they spilled out over the cups of her beige bra. My mouth watered to taste them, but Tawny had other ideas.

Her fingers trailed down my chest before lifting the t-shirt off over my head. Her hands moved across all my muscles as she went to her knees in front of me. In nothing but blue jeans and a bra, she looked gorgeous as her auburn hair fell across her shoulders all the way down to the small of her back.

She made short work of my jeans, quickly undoing them and pushing them with my boxer briefs to the floor. My cock was hard as a rock. It had been the whole ride home.

Her hands moved over it skillfully, before licking the tip and taking it into her hot mouth. I gripped her shoulders as she sucked me off. Softly sucking me at first, then playing with my balls as she sucked harder and moved her head faster until I shot hot cum down her throat. “Tawny!” My fingers curled into the soft flesh of her arms as my body tensed with the intense orgasm.

Once I’d regained my composure, I lifted her up, carrying her over to the bed. Tossing her onto it, I whisked off the rest of her clothes before going down on her wet pussy. Her lips were swollen with arousal and juices had dripped all over her cunt while she was sucking me. I ate her like a ravenous animal that hadn’t eaten for weeks.

She writhed, wiggling away, making me take her tightly by the hips to keep her still so I could eat that sweet pussy until I was satisfied. Her fingers moved through my hair as she moaned my name over and over.

It was not every time that our love-making went like this. Tuesdays and Thursdays were a hell of a lot more intense; the MDMA was in my system on those days, taking me to heights I couldn’t get to without it, and I took my wife along for the wild ride.

I’d never wanted to depend on a drug in my life, but the fact was this one was actually helping me. I knew I wouldn’t use it forever. As a matter of fact, next week would see me going down to only one therapy session a week. The plan was to get down to a once-a-month regime. I was getting there.

I hadn’t had a single episode in over a year, and the nighttime episodes went away with my use of a nighttime sleep aid. Thank God.

Tawny’s moans became continuous; her legs tightened around my head as she arched up, screaming, “August! Yes!” Sweet, hot cum leaked out of her, and I thrust my tongue into her to drink the nectar she’d given to me.

With her pussy still pulsing, I flipped her onto her stomach, keeping her flat on the bed. Sliding up her on top of her body, I pushed my cock into her, loving the way her cunt convulsed around my hard cock.

Taking one of her hands, I laced our fingers together, and by pushing our clasped hands up the bed, I lengthened our bodies. Moving inside of her, I made the front of her body rub against the bed, stimulating her clit.

She purred and whimpered as I made slow and easy movements. Moving my free hand around, I cupped her tit, massaging it. I felt Tawny tense up. She put her hand over mine, pushing it to her waist. “Um…stroke my waist, baby.”

I ran my fingertips up and down her waist instead. The soft moans she made told me she liked it, so I kept it up. Tawny was always receptive to me, day or night, and this wasn’t any different.

Moving my body back and forth, her clit rubbing against the sheet had her screaming my name in no time. I let her go on that journey alone, keeping it up until her walls had stopped squeezing my cock.

Pulling out of her, I turned her over; the panting she was doing had her breasts heaving in waves. I ran my hands over her voluptuous tits, loving the way they felt in my hands. She took ahold of both my hands, pulling them up and kissing my knuckles. “I want you back inside of me.”

Not one to leave her hanging, I pushed her legs together before thrusting my cock into her. Laying in a planking position, I used my pubic bone to grind against her clit as I fucked her soaked pussy. “You like that, baby? You like my fat cock filling your tight hole, fucking you until you scream my name?”

“God, yes,” she moaned as she looked up at me with lust-filled eyes. The fact that my wife of five years still lusted after me was a powerful drug.

I took her mouth with a hard kiss as I moved my body up and down, instead of pulling my cock in and out of her. This time, when she plunged over the edge, I was helpless to stop my own orgasm.

Our bodies were wet with sweat, our breathing was ragged, and I fell on top of her, letting my weight settle on her. She loved it when I did that—told me it made her feel even more like a part of me.

But as we laid there, chest to chest. I felt something odd.

A knot.

Had the sheet gotten twisted between us somehow and I hadn’t noticed?

I rolled off her, running my hand over the place I’d felt the knot and there it was. There was no sheet twisted on my wife’s body—there was a knot in her left breast.

“Baby, did you notice this?” I leaned up on my elbow, looking down at her.

Her lower lip pulled between her teeth, Tawny’s eyes shone with unshed tears. She nodded and burst into tears.

Tawny

Being a nurse and having the kind of medical knowledge most don’t have can have its drawbacks. Average people who get cancer don’t know for certain they have it until a doctor reads the test results.

I wasn’t that lucky. I saw the mammogram; I saw the lump; I saw the way it was shaped; and I knew it had grown far too fast to be benign.

So, when the doctor met August and me in his office, I already knew what he would tell me. “Tawny, it seems you’ve got a malignant tumor in your left breast. Now, we’ll need to do a complete body scan using a CT scanner to see if this cancer has metastasized to any other parts of your body.”

All I could do was nod as August wrapped his arm around me even tighter, kissing the side of my head.

“Okay,” August asked, “How soon can we get that done?”

“Today, if Tawny can get over to the hospital to get it done. As a nurse working there, she’ll get in very quickly.” The doctor patted me on the knee as if that would comfort me at all. “I know this seems grim, but there are worse cancers to get, Tawny.”

Again, all I could manage to do was nod. I knew I would just sob if I opened my mouth. Thankfully, August again spoke for me, “If you could give us a moment, I think I can help her take this in, and then we’ll pick up the paperwork, and I’ll take her to get the CT scan done. Thanks, Doc.”

With a nod, the doctor left, and I buried my face in my husband’s chest. “I can’t…” The sobs choked out the rest of my words.

“Hush,” he murmured as he held me and ran his hand through my hair—hair which I’d lose in the coming months. The thought only served to make me cry harder. “Everything is going to be okay. You know that. Your mother had the same thing, and she was okay.”

“After they took both of her breasts,” I sobbed. “And they caught hers before it was as big as mine. And my Gramma died from the breast cancer she had!”

“That was a long time ago, baby. You know a lot of cancer survivors now. Think about it, Tawny.” He took my face between his palms, looking at me with soft eyes. “You can do this. You’re the strongest woman I know. You’ve got this, baby. You do.”

Gulping back the tears, the pain, the fear, I looked into his eyes and found something there, deep in them. He had faith in me—like real, true faith. His words weren’t said just to placate me. He meant them.

“If they take one breast, I want them to take both of them,” I whispered. My hands took him by the biceps, and I gave them a squeeze. Those were one of my favorite parts of his body. My tits were his.

“So what?” He smiled at me. “As long as I have you, that’s all that matters to me. You should know that already, Tawny Harlow.” His lips pressed against mine, sending energy zinging through me.

When he ended the kiss, I looked at him. “Can you really accept me without the fun-bags?”

“Let me answer that question with one of my own.” He leaned back in his seat and pulled me to sit on his lap. “If I lost the ability to sexually perform any function at all, would you leave me or love me any less?”

My mind raced back to when he wouldn’t let me sleep with him, back before he took the meds needed to stop the episodes he’d have and had hurt me during. I’d gone cold on the man.

Sure, I’d realized what I’d done, and it was early on in our relationship, but I’d done it. I’d even considered leaving him. And in a way, I did leave him back then—I’d shut myself off to him.

I’d done that to him, but here he was, telling me he’d accept me with or without breasts. I didn’t deserve this man. But he was mine, and I’d make damn sure he knew I would never shut myself off from him again, no matter what might happen. “I nearly made that mistake once. I’ll never do it again.”

“Okay, then don’t you worry about me. I’ll love you no matter what the hell happens. You can take that to the bank. Now, let’s get your face all cleaned up ‘cause you’ve kinda ruined your makeup, and you have to work with these people. I don’t want anyone to think you’re taking this hard. You’ve got to show the patients around your hospital that it’s a place you come to be healed.” He wiped my face with a makeup wipe he dug out of my purse.

I watched his face as he carefully cleaned me up. My heart pounded as I looked at him. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I’m never letting you go, August Harlow.”

“Good. I’m not ever letting you go either. So, let’s go do this thing and start kicking cancer’s ass. You know me—I love a good fight. I’ve got your back, baby. And with me right behind you, you can’t lose.”

Climbing off his lap, I put my feet on the floor. My husband had lived through things that were more like nightmares than reality. If he could get through everything he had, then I trusted him to get me through my battle.

After picking up the paperwork from the receptionist, we headed to go get the scan done, me leaning against August the whole way. “You know that you’re my hero, right?”

“Haven’t I always been?” August kissed the side of my head. “I’ll never stop being that for you, baby. Not ever.”

August

Leila, Mom, Dad, Tawny’s parents and I sat in a waiting room as my wife went through the surgery to remove her breasts. Thankfully, the cancer had not spread anywhere else; it had been caught in time. Not in time to save her breasts, but in time to save her life.

Sure, her life would still be in danger until she was done with the chemo and radiation treatments, but getting the tumor out of her body was the beginning of the fight.

Tawny had kissed the kids early that morning as they slept. We had to leave in the wee hours to get her to the hospital. Prepping had to be done and paperwork too. It was an arduous process, and I knew Tawny hated every last bit of it.

Following the diagnosis, Tawny quickly began to feel bad. Her energy was sapped. She laid around a lot and stared off into space, a thing she’d never been prone to.

Her fellow nurses had all come to see her right before she headed to the O.R. My wife was surrounded by people who loved and cared about her. So much positive energy was focused directly on her.

Maybe that’s probably why it surprised me when she cried and clung to me before heading in. I’d never felt so damn powerless as I told her, “It’s all going to be okay. Have faith, baby. Don’t cry. Please, don’t cry.”

I watched as the anesthesiologist pushed a syringe into her IV line before giving me a nod. “She’s going to be just fine.”

As we all went down the long hallway, I watched Tawny’s green eyes change. She even smiled as I wiped the tears from her eyes as rolled toward the O.R. “There’s my girl. I’ll be right there when you wake up. You can count on me. I love you, Tawny Harlow.”

“I love you too, August Harlow. Did you notice that the moon was full when we came in this morning?” She blinked long and slowly as the medicine began to take her under.

“Yeah. You and I can watch it out the hospital window tonight. It’s a date,” I said, then kissed her forehead as we arrived at the last set of doors that I couldn’t go through.

Her words were slow and sloppy, “It’s… a… date.”

We’d been told it would take a few hours. Taking off two breasts isn’t a thing you do quickly. And Tawny wanted them to make sure they did what they could to minimize scarring.

I told her she could get implants later if she wanted. To which she told me that her mother hadn’t, and she didn’t think she’d want them either. There were bras that had fake boobs in them. She’d wear them.

When she stopped and looked at me, asking me if I wanted her to have the fake tits, her concern was obvious. Of course, I didn’t want her to get anything she didn’t want herself, and I let her know that. I’d love her no matter what. I’d find her sexy, no matter what, too.

Her mother seemed to be taking it the worst. As if Tawny’s predisposition to breast cancer was all her fault. “I wish this hadn’t happened to my baby.” She wrung her hands in her lap. “I remember going into surgery like it was yesterday. I was so afraid I’d never come out of it.”

Her husband took her hand, pulling it his lips, kissing the top of it. “But you did come out of it, and you made it through all the other stuff, too. You’ve been cancer-free for a very long time now, and Tawny will see the same results. You gave her the resilience to do that, you know.”

“I also gave her my DNA, making this happen to her.” She put her head on his shoulder. “If I could fix this, I would.”

“Well, we all have our battles to go through,” I said to try to ease her mother’s mind. “This one was yours, and its Tawny’s now, too. Frankly, I’m glad she has you as a success story. She’s said it more than once since we found this out, ‘If Mom can kick cancer’s butt, then so can I.’”

“She has to.” Her mother looked at me with concern. “She has to do it for those babies you two have.” Then her hand went to her mouth, and her eyes went wide.

Her husband asked, “What’s the matter?”

“Her daughters…” she murmured.

So, there was that to add to my worries for my children—our two daughters would be predisposed to breast cancer, too.

Great…

So, I had to tell myself the same thing I’d told Tawny’s mother. We all have our battles to fight, and this might well be their battles as well. My stomach knotted as I thought about sitting in the same waiting room two more time in my life, waiting to see if my daughters would make it through surgery okay.

I needed to talk to my therapist to help deal with this. But there was no way I was leaving the hospital to do that. I had to buck up and suck it up. I’d get to have my weak moment later. Right now, I had to be the hero again for my wife and our families.

Another hour ticked by slowly before her doctor came to our waiting room. “She’s out. She did well. Other than the tumor, she’s in perfect health. I foresee a speedy recovery since she’s in such great shape.” He looked around the room at all of us. “And with a great support system like this, I’m sure she’ll be back to her usual bubbly self in no time at all.”

“Can I see her?” I asked as I got up.

He nodded. “Yeah, you can come with me. She’ll want to see you as soon as she wakes up.”

Every step took me closer to her and that alone made my heart swell with emotion. My wife had made it through the worst part, and now all we had to do was get well again.

Tawny

Day one sucked ass. Day two was worse than day one. But then day three came around, and I felt a little bit better, and on that day, I found hope.

If I could feel better, then that feeling would only increase more and more as each day passed. Some days were harder than others, but none of them were as bad as the first two days after my surgery.

And with the successful recovery came the strength of knowing I’d beat a thing that a lot of people hadn’t. I’d kicked cancer’s ass!

A couple of years had passed, and I became an advocate for breast cancer patients at Cedars. I helped women who found themselves in the same position I’d been in do everything they needed help with, including picking out the wigs they’d wear while dealing with hair loss.

Thanks to being married to a billionaire, I had access to money and had used some of that to help women during the tough times of fighting the same battle I’d fought.

With Leila’s help, we made a line of wigs, using ultrasoft materials for the caps, and synthetic hair that was silky and soft, too. The product we ended up with was a cut above what had previously been on the market.

Our wigs were highly sought after as they weren’t just the most comfortable wigs in the world, they were beautiful, too. Every cent of those profits went to making more and freely giving them to people who needed them.

It was a mission that filled Leila and me with a sense of giving back.

I was sitting in the game room with the kids. The youngest was now two and a half. Taylor was everywhere, getting into everything she could. Cole was five and still moody; he was chastising his baby sister for throwing the car he’d been playing with off the racetrack. “Hey, stop it, you pain in the butt!”

“Cole! Don’t talk to her that way. She’s just in her terrible twos—she can’t help but to be a pain in the butt.” I wagged my finger at him. “All of you were the same exact way at that age.”

Calum laughed. “Then why’d you keep on having kids, Mom?” He’d turned thirteen last week. My first born was entering his teens, and it wasn’t an easy thing to take.

Calum was the spitting image of his handsome father. I foresaw the girls throwing themselves at him very soon and wondered how I’d take that. Poorly, I thought.

Tabitha, now six, went to retrieve the car her younger sister had thrown. She took it to Cole. “Here you go. See, it’s not so hard to deal with her. You just gotta have patience.”

He snatched the car from her outstretched hand. “No, I don’t.” Grumbling something indiscernible, Cole went back to playing with his race cars.

I sat there, watching all the kids play and argue, kids being kids, and thought how lucky I was to have each one of them.

I’d been a mother since I was eighteen. I supposed I didn’t know how not to be one. Even though Taylor was only two and a half, I already saw her growing up so fast.

My heart stirred, and my stomach went tight. I ran my hands over my chest. I didn’t have the bra with the fake boobs on. I preferred to go braless when I was at home. It was just more comfortable.

I’d had big boobs since I was fifteen. Although it wasn’t what I’d planned or even wanted, not having to deal with big tits wasn’t so bad. It was kinda good as a matter of fact.

Having August as a husband helped. He’d been true to what he’d said. He did still love me, and if he didn’t find me sexy, I sure as hell couldn’t tell. His hands still roamed over my entire body every time we made love.

Sure, there weren’t any nipples to tease, but he’d kiss my scars and murmur sexy things…well, dirty things the way only August could. And when his lips touched those scars, it did something to me. It sent heat through me just the same way it did when there were double Ds there.

August was down to only one therapy session a week on Wednesdays. My work schedule changed; I only worked on Tuesdays and Thursdays. August took care of the kids those days. Leila and I handled the wig business from our homes the rest of the week. Things were good; we all stayed busy doing good things for others, the way August promised John Black he would. I joined him in that endeavor, too.

The day was Wednesday, and August strode into the room, a smile on his face. He went to kiss and hug the kids before coming to me on the sofa. His eyes were full of desire.

He didn’t kiss my lips. Instead, he kissed the spot just behind my ear as he whispered, “So, I was thinking…let’s have us another baby. What do you say?”

I hadn’t said one word to anyone about how I’d been thinking the same thing. One more added to our growing family had been on my mind for only a day or so.

How could we be so in sync?

He pulled back, looking at me with those sexy hazel eyes. I whispered back so the kids wouldn’t hear, “What about feeding a baby? I’ve lost the milk jugs.”

That crooked smile pulled his lips up to one side. “That shouldn’t stop us. I do believe they make something called formula. We do have my sister to beat—she’s got a six-pack.”

Oh, God help me. I had to be crazy, and I knew that, but I loved the way this man thought!

“Let’s do it!” I threw my arms around his neck then he picked me up, carrying me away as Denise came in to take care of the kids.

“You two go discuss the therapy session. I’ve got the little ones.” She gave me a knowing smile as I looked over my husband’s shoulder at her.

I kissed my hand, then blew it to her. “Thank you, Denise. You’re a godsend.”

Life wasn’t over for us. More battles would surely come our way, but we’d face them as a family—a strong, growing family who had found their happy for right now.

The End.