Chapter Forty-Five
~ Ashton ~
By the time I got home from the airport, my head was pounding. I was so stressed and worried that I could barely walk in a straight line. All I could think about was if she was okay. What if Carter had come for her while I wasn’t there?
I grabbed a cab and headed back to mine and Nate’s apartment. When I stepped through the door, Nate twisted in his seat and a confused frown slipped onto his face. “Hey, Taylor! What the hell are you doing here?”
I sighed, not having the words to explain that my life felt like it was circling the drain at the moment.
“Good to see you, buddy!” he chirped as I flopped down onto the sofa next to him. “You bring that hot little girl of yours with you again?” He eyed the door, as if waiting for Anna to make an appearance.
I closed my eyes and rested my head back on the sofa. “It’s over. She made me leave,” I mumbled.
He seemed to choke on air. “What the actual fuck? You two broke up?” he gasped.
I shook my head. I could probably tell him the truth now. It was official that I was no longer her guard, I’d seen the transfer document, there was no staying undercover after this. “We were never really together. I was assigned to protect her; they wanted me undercover as her boyfriend. We were never a real couple,” I admitted sadly.
He made a scoffing sound in the back of his throat. “Not together. What the hell are you talking about? I saw you two, you were all over each other. What do you mean you were undercover? I don’t get it.”
I rubbed my aching eyes with my fists, willing my headache to subside. “Officially, I was assigned as her near guard, her undercover boyfriend, but we got close. I fell in love with her. I thought she loved me too, but she just had me transferred away from her.” Tiredness was trying to consume me, my words all seemed to jumble into one, but somehow he understood me.
“Transferred?”
I nodded in confirmation. “Yeah, I’m back in LA now.” My voice sounded depressed even to my own ears.
“Why did she have you transferred? You do something wrong? Tell me you didn’t cheat on her. If you did, I’m gonna have to kick your ass for being a fucking moron,” he raised one eyebrow in question.
“I didn’t cheat,” I confirmed. “Everything was great, but then…” I swallowed, not wanting to divulge all of the Carter stuff. Actually, I didn’t even think I had the mental strength to explain it all to him properly. “I’m going to bed. I can’t talk about this now. I’ll see you in the morning.” I didn’t wait for an answer as I pushed myself up and stalked towards my bedroom, slamming the door behind me.
I flopped down on my bed and pulled my phone out of my pocket, staring at it in frustration when I saw no missed calls or messages from her sitting there. She was killing me; the pain was unbearable. Suddenly an idea occurred to me and my thumb swished through my contacts quickly.
Maddy answered on the second ring. I closed my eyes. “Hi, ma’am, this is Agent Taylor. May I please speak to the President?” I asked hopefully.
She sighed. “Hi. Yes, absolutely. He’s been expecting a call from you,” she replied.
I groaned. He knew I’d call, which meant that he wasn’t going to change his mind.
I was on hold for a few seconds before he spoke. “Agent Taylor, I know what you’re going to say. I’m sorry, but this is what Annabelle has asked for, I can’t go against her wishes,” he stated, without even saying hello.
My lungs constricted. “I understand that, sir, but what with Carter being out now and the letters… Sir, he’ll come after her, we both know it. It’s not a matter of what she wants, it’s a matter of keeping her safe,” I countered, trying to reason with his protective parental instincts.
“I know, I know. I’m not happy with this either, but she specifically asked me for this, she said she needed it to happen. I don’t suppose you can shed any light on the situation for me? Annabelle refused to give me a reason,” he requested hopefully.
I sighed. I didn’t even understand the reason myself, but I couldn’t tell him about our relationship and that I ‘complicated things’ according to her with my love sick puppy act. I refused to make things harder for her on purpose. She wouldn’t want her parents to know how close we had gotten, she was an extremely private person, and I respected that about her.
“Not if she doesn’t want me to, sir, I’m sorry. But please reconsider. I’m the best one to protect her. Please let me keep her safe,” I begged.
“I’m sorry, son. Your new assignment should be what you want. If it’s not, then let me know and I’ll arrange something else. I’ve put a glowing recommendation on your file. I’m glad you called me because I wanted to personally thank you for what you did for Annabelle. I’ve honestly not seen her this happy in years. I’m just sorry it had to be cut short.”
He wasn’t going to change his mind, this was it, my last chance and he wasn’t even close to helping me. I nodded. “Me too.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “If you need anyone to help with Anna’s safety at any time, please let me know,” I offered.
“Will do, son,” he replied as he disconnected the call.
The next few days were the worst of my life. On top of the painful, gaping hole that now resided where my heart used to be, the White House had put out a public statement stating that I was nothing more than Anna’s guard and that the relationship was fake. As soon as the statement was released, reporters were hounding me for interviews everywhere I went, taking photos and asking questions. I refused to answer any, and after about a week it died down slightly.
I could barely sleep, but when I did, I had nightmares about her calling for help and I couldn’t reach her or couldn’t find her. Each time I would wake up in a cold sweat and roll over to cuddle her, only to have my heart break all over again when I remembered she wasn’t there.
The only good thing going on in my life was my job. I had my dream job: Front Line. The Captain was extremely pleased to have me, and was majorly impressed with my letter from the President. I fitted straight into the team, and the job was everything I always thought it would be and more. But each day was like my own private nightmare. All I wanted to do was talk to her, hold her and keep her safe.
As the days dragged into weeks, it got worse and worse. I hardly wanted to get out of bed. Every night it would take me hours to fall asleep and I would have awful nightmares about her, then I would wake every single morning thinking she was there, only to remember and have to start all over again. My life was a steaming pile of shit. I didn’t want to go to work or even see my friends. Everything was just too much effort.
What made it worse was the date that approached. Anna’s birthday and the four year anniversary of Jack being murdered. She was going to be in pieces, I knew it, and I wasn’t there to help her or stop her from attempting to take her life, like she had done for the last two years.
While I waited for the phone to connect, I stared down at the FedEx box on my bed that I’d just finished wrapping. The address on the front was to Anna, care of the White House PO Box address that was for personal mail to the President. My heart sank. I wasn’t even sure she would open it, but I had to try.
When Maddy answered the call, I ran my hand through my hair. “Hi, ma’am, it’s Agent Taylor. Do you think it would be possible to speak to the President?” I asked glumly, flopping back and closing my eyes.
The click of her keyboard told me she was checking his schedule. “He has a couple of minutes before his next meeting, I’ll buzz you through.”
“Agent Taylor, you wanted to speak to me?” President Spencer asked politely when he came on the line a moment later.
“Yes, sir. Thank you for taking my call, I’m sure you’re busy,” I frowned up at the ceiling. I hadn’t spoken to him since the day I was reassigned, and I was surprised by how much resentment I felt towards him because he’d sent me away from her.
“That’s okay, son. What can I do for you?”
I ran my hand through my hair. “Well, I have a birthday gift for Anna, and I wondered if I would be able to send it over to you. I guessed that she’s going to be spending her school break there with you.” My frown turned into a scowl.
“Yes, she is. Of course you can send it here, Agent Taylor. I’ll make sure she gets it,” he replied kindly.
Now for the hard bit, that I wasn’t sure how to word. “Thank you, sir. One more thing. I just wanted to check that Anna won’t be left alone for her birthday. I’m worried that she’ll…” I stumbled over my words and took a deep breath. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that the day is going to be hard for her. She promised me she won’t do that again this year, but I’m still worried,” I admitted. I hadn’t been able to get the thought of her killing herself from my head. She’d promised me she wouldn’t, but did that still count, considering I wasn’t there anymore?
He sighed. “I’m worried too. We’re taking every precaution, and I have given her guards strict orders not to let her out of their sight for a moment. Annabelle’s stronger now, I don’t think she’ll try that again,” he answered, sounding like he was trying to convince himself at the same time as me.
I nodded. “Yes, sir. Thank you,” I mumbled gratefully. His reassurances did help a little; I trusted that he would do everything in his power to keep her safe. “Can I ask how Anna is? I’ve tried calling her, but she won’t even speak to me.”
He sighed deeply. “She’s been here for three days now already, and she seems to be coping alright. She’s a little quiet, but she always is around us,” he answered. There was a moment of awkward silence where he seemed to be choosing his words. “Look, I know you’re concerned about her and I appreciate that, but if she doesn’t want to speak to you, then maybe you should just stop trying to contact her,” he suggested.
I gritted my teeth. He was right; everyone had said the same thing – that I should forget her and move on because she wasn’t going to change her mind. But I just couldn’t. It wasn’t possible for me to move on while there was still that small element of hope in my mind. When she’d told me she didn’t love me, I didn’t believe her. Deep down, I knew she had feelings for me, deep rooted feelings that she was obviously terrified of and needed space and time to work out. This Carter stuff just made her panic and the first defence mechanism for her was to revert back to what she knew – the cold, hard Anna. At least, that’s what I told myself. In reality, there was just no getting over this girl, so hope was all I had.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called you,” I muttered.
“I don’t mind you calling. It’s nice that you care about my daughter. How about I ask her to call you? I can’t promise anything, of course; Annabelle has always been incredibly strong minded.”
I smiled. Strong minded was an understatement when applied to that girl. “Thank you.”
“By the way, how’s the job going? I’ve heard some good things about you here, you know,” he questioned, probably to change the subject.
I smiled sadly. “It’s going good, thank you. It’s everything I thought it would be,” I admitted, but the thing was, it just wasn’t what I wanted anymore.
“That’s great. With all the things I’ve been hearing about you, you’ll be running the place soon,” he chuckled.
I smiled at his compliment. “Not quite yet, I don’t think they’re ready for my style of leadership quite yet,” I joked.
“I’ll bet. I’d better go. Good to speak to you again, Agent Taylor.”
“Good to speak to you again too, sir,” I replied, disconnecting the call.
A knock sounded on my door, and moments later, Nate stuck his head in without waiting for me to answer. “Alright? Want to go play a couple of games of air hockey?” he asked, smiling sympathetically.
Nate had been great for the last couple of weeks. I’d told him everything, glossing over the whole Carter stuff with very minor details. He really didn’t understand how I felt about Anna at all, but he was trying to. He stayed in with me if I didn’t want to go out, was understanding and sympathetic when I needed to talk about her, and gave me space if I asked for it. He truly was the best friend a guy could ask for. I nodded, standing up and picking up the FedEx package I would mail on the way.
~ Anna ~
Two weeks after Ashton left, it was school break. Before all of this happened, Ashton and I had been talking through options for the vacation – the one that seemed to be the winner was asking my parents if I could go to LA with him. So the fact that I was at the White House was now doubly hard for me. Dean and Peter both got the two weeks off, so they dropped me with my parents and then headed off in their separate directions to spend time with family.
My mom cooed how lovely it was to have me home and how much she’d missed me while she gave me a guided tour of the White House. I’d already been once before, on the day of my father’s inauguration, but my mother seemed content to show me around again – probably to pass the time. She didn’t once mention Carter or his disastrous retrial, or the fact that apparently my worst nightmare wanted me back again.
My bedroom was the blue one that I’d chosen on the first visit. As I stood at the window, looking out over the beautiful grounds at the back of the building, I couldn’t even bring myself to smile a real smile. During the last two weeks, I’d become pretty adept at faking being alright though. People didn’t realise how much pain I was feeling inside, which I was grateful for. I was pretty sure that Dean had an idea of my suffering, but thankfully he didn’t mention Ashton anymore.
Staying here for two weeks meant I would spend my twentieth birthday here too. When I woke in the morning on March 12, I couldn’t stop the silent tears that fell down my face. If there was ever a day that I regretted sending Ashton away, it was today. Memories of Jack and his death plagued me before I was even fully awake.
For the last two anniversaries, the sadness had consumed me. I’d gotten extremely intoxicated and I’d washed down a bottle of pills. This year would be different. I’d promised Ashton that I wouldn’t ever do that again, and, to be honest, I didn’t actually feel like that girl anymore. When I was in that dark, depressed state, I couldn’t see any point in living; I couldn’t see anything good in the world, but knowing that there was someone like Ashton out there just made the world a happier place for me. Yes, I was sad and lonely at the moment, but I just wasn’t in that dark and depressed place anymore. I knew that there was a point to life. Sure, my heart hurt for Ashton, but I knew that he would be happy soon. I believed in what I was doing. If I didn’t love him so much, I would’ve never been able to push him away and put myself through this.
My cell phone was buzzing happily on the side, vibrating loudly against the wood of my bedside unit. I ignored it, knowing it would be Ashton. He had been calling me every five minutes since seven o’clock so I’d switched my phone to silent. By the time I got out of the shower and dressed, the phone had finally stopped ringing. I picked it up, seeing twelve missed calls and eight new messages.
The calls were all from him in a series of five minute intervals. Five of the messages were from him too. The others were from Rosie, Serena and Monica, all of them wishing me happy birthday. I opened the messages from Ashton and took a deep breath before I read them:
1 - Happy Birthday! I hope you have a good day. Please call me, I really need to speak to you, today of all days. I love you x
2 - Anna, please don’t do anything silly today, please? I love you.
3 - Please answer your phone. I just need to hear your voice and know that you’re okay, please?
4 - Anna, you’re making me crazy! I know today is hard for you but you promised me once you wouldn’t do anything silly on your birthday. Please, Baby Girl, please?
5 - You’re killing me, I swear. Please answer your damn phone! I miss you, I need you, I love you x
My hands were shaking. I felt sick. Knowing I couldn’t put off contact with him today because of how worried he’d be, I sent him a quick reply promising that I wouldn’t do anything silly and asking him to stop calling and leave me alone.
I forced myself to stop thinking about him. I knew he was hurting and that I was causing him pain, but it needed to be done and he would never have left if I’d just told him my reasons for wanting him transferred. He would have been confident he could have protected me, and himself, against Carter and his men, but he would have been wrong, and I couldn’t take that chance with his life.
As I wandered through the exquisite hallways and made my way to the dining room for breakfast with my parents, I tried to ignore the guard that was following behind me, matching his step with mine.
I didn’t really want to eat this morning, but my parents had insisted we convene in the morning to celebrate. They always had liked to make a fuss of my birthday – that never changed, even after I did.
As I sat down at the beautifully laid out table, my parents smiled warmly but managed to look concerned at the same time. “Happy birthday, Annabelle,” they both said, almost in unison.
I faked a smile. “Thanks.” To distract myself from the fact that they were watching me, I helped myself to some toast, spreading it liberally with marmalade. I wasn’t hungry, but I needed to keep up the act for them otherwise I’d never get any peace today.
Suddenly, my mom jumped out of her chair and grabbed three presents off the floor, handing them to me. “For you.”
“Thanks, you didn’t need to get me anything.” I set them on the table and picked up the top, beautifully wrapped, red box.
“Oh don’t be silly, you’re twenty today, no longer a teenager,” my mom chirped, looking at me proudly.
I eagerly tore off the paper, finding a shoe box inside. On the side was printed the words ‘Mary Shaun’ – the designer who had made my dress and shoes for my father’s party. I grinned as I lifted the lid to see a pair of electric blue shoes with a sparkly stiletto heel. They were absolutely beautiful. I gasped.
“Oh wow, these are gorgeous!” I gushed. They were almost as nice as the plum ones I’d claimed to have lost after the party.
“I thought you’d like them,” my mom agreed, smiling at me knowingly.
I smiled gratefully. “Thank you, these are incredible.”
“Open the others,” she instructed, nodding at them.
I grabbed the next one and ripped it open to find a gorgeous gold watch. “Wow, this is beautiful, thank you.”
I picked up the last one. It was wrapped in different paper than the other two. I smiled and ripped it open to reveal another shoe box. I smiled over at my parents who were watching me intently. When I lifted the lid, I’d expected another pair of gorgeous shoes; instead, my eyes landed on a perfectly dried white rose with a green ribbon tied around the stem, a bag of cola flavour fizzy candy, a small book called ‘Graphic design and the meaning of colours and shapes’, and a photo album. I frowned in confusion. This wasn’t the type of thing my parents usually bought; usually it was all about the cost, thought didn’t really come into the equation. I glanced over at my mom, seeing her sad smile and concerned eyes. That was when it dawned on me – this wasn’t from them, it was from Ashton. I should have realised as soon as I saw the rose.
A lump had suddenly formed in my throat, and I tried my best to swallow around it. My hands shook as I picked up the photo album, flicking through to the first page. A photo of me, Ashton, and his friends in LA. My heart squeezed painfully. I thumbed through the rest quickly, seeing that every page was filled with photos of me laughing, me and Ashton together at school, at a bar, on vacation, or at my dad’s party. In some we were joking around in the bed, holding it at arm’s length, our faces filling the whole picture where we couldn’t get it far enough away. I smiled and flicked to the last page, there was a birthday card there. I couldn’t open it now, I could already feel tears prickling my eyes so I snapped it shut and put it back in the box.
“That was sent here a couple of days ago. He asked for me to give it to you on your birthday,” my dad said, regarding me curiously.
I nodded. “Yeah, he’s very thoughtful,” I replied, trying not to let my emotions bubble over. The sweetness of Ashton came flooding back to me, almost making me burst into a fresh round of sobs, but I held it in somehow.
“He’s been calling like crazy this morning. He wants to make sure you’re okay, what with the day and everything. Why don’t you give him a call?” Dad suggested, as if it was that easy.
“I already texted him this morning,” I said casually. I couldn’t talk about him anymore, my insides were squirming, my eyes stinging with tears. I decided to change the subject before I broke down in front of my parents. “I think I’ll wear my new shoes today,” I smiled at my mom, hoping she’d help me out a little. She did. As if knowing I couldn’t cope with this heavy conversation, she started cooing about the shoes and other things that she had seen that I might like at the store. I just smiled and nodded along, grateful to be talking about something other than Ashton.
Once the breakfast was over, I headed up to my room and plopped down on the bed, pulling over the box from Ashton. I took out the dried rose and smiled as I put it on my bedside cabinet; it was perfectly dried and still beautiful. I laughed as I grabbed the fizzy candy; they were my favourites, he’d obviously remembered.
Lastly, I picked up the photo album, hesitantly looking through the pictures again, laughing at some of the funny ones where we were pulling faces or fooling around. I ran my finger over his handsome, smiling face. The pictures made me miss him even more, if that was possible. I moaned when I got to one of him kissing me and holding me tight. I would give anything for him to be here with me now.
When I got to the last page, I pulled out the card and took a deep breath before opening it. The front was fairly simple, it was a vase filled with white roses on a farmhouse kitchen table. I smiled, thinking about how long he must have been looking for the perfect card before he found this one. I opened it to see his messy writing inside; it wasn’t just a happy birthday message, he’d written me a letter inside.
Anna,
I hope you have a really great birthday, you deserve to. I didn’t know what to get you, I didn’t know if you’d be allowed to go and do anything because of the whole guard situation, otherwise I would have bought you tickets for that show on Broadway that you wanted to go see, that’s what I was planning on getting you before all this happened.
So instead of a bought gift, I’ve given you the next best thing. I’ve bundled all of my happiest memories into this album for you. These are the best things that ever happened to me and every single one of them involved you. I know they didn’t mean the same to you as they did me, but you looked so happy at the time.
Please give me another chance. We can just be friends, please? I really miss you, I hope you miss me too. Look at the album and remember how happy I could make you. Please, Baby Girl.
I know today is going to be really hard for you and I wish you would let me be there for you, but I guess I can understand why you won’t. You once promised me you wouldn’t do anything bad today, please, please, please keep that promise Baby Girl, please. Your life means so much to me and I can’t bear the thought of you hurting yourself.
Anyway, I guess I’d better let you go and enjoy your birthday. I hope you’re doing something fun.
Happy 20th birthday, Anna.
It doesn’t matter to me how many miles you put between us, I still love you and I always will.
Ashton
xxx
P.s Nate and the guys wish you happy birthday too x
I read the letter three times; uncontrollable tears rolled down my face. My heart was aching, my whole being just screaming for him. I flopped back onto my bed and closed my eyes, hugging myself tightly. I could picture every single one of those memories without the photos, and they were the best things that had ever happened to me too.
The rest of the day passed as a blur. I hung out on my own a lot. My parents had arranged a ‘special dinner’ as they called it, but essentially it was just another dinner in the White House. They ate like this every night, as far as I could tell. After dinner, I went to my room and had a long bubble bath. I should have felt different somehow, but to me it just felt like any other day. Another day without Ashton.
When I finally crept into my bed, I glanced at my phone to see I had another text from Ashton. I sighed; he didn’t seem to be getting over me at all. Maybe my idea of Nate and the boys helping him through wasn’t going to work out the way I’d planned. Every message from him hurt worse than the last because they just reminded me that he wasn’t here. The texts somehow made the time pass slower; the minutes seemed to drag between messages. My life blurred into one big, long, horrible, Ashton-less day that was broken up by messages I received from the love of my life.
I opened this new one to see that it was him asking me to text him again because he was worrying. The message had been sent while I was in the bath; it was almost eleven in the evening now. I opened up a new message and texted him back that I was fine and thanked him for the gift, just so he would relax.
After I sent it, I rolled over, trying to get comfortable. He didn’t text me back, so I assumed maybe he was asleep, or working nights, or maybe even that he just didn’t want to text me. The last thought hurt the worst.
Six agonising weeks had passed since I’d sent him away and, if anything, it only got worse. The dreams that I had every night were terrible. Every night I saw him die in front of me, and every night I would wake up screaming and sweating, with my heart trying to break out of my chest. Dean would look at me sympathetically, not knowing what to say or do. He was doing a good job of being near guard, living in the bedroom next door, but I preferred my own miserable company, so I hid in my bedroom most of the time, only coming out for school or meal times.
Ashton still called and texted me every day. He sent me a bunch of white roses every Friday morning with a little poem or limerick attached. He sent me music for my iPod, books, chocolates and stuffed animals. Every weekend I would get an emailed love letter, begging me to reconsider, telling me how lost he was without me.
I knew that he contacted Dean a lot too. Thankfully, I’d made a deal with Dean: he wouldn’t tell Ashton how much I missed him, and in return, I would behave and do everything he asked me to without question.
I was so incredibly tired every day. Once I’d had the nightmare of Ashton being killed, I refused to go back to sleep, so I had on average about four hours sleep a night. I went to the gym twice a day and threw myself back into my old training method of exercise until I dropped. I wanted to be able to protect myself if Carter did come after me. It was my hope that if he did, that this time I’d be able to kill him. Then I’d be free to beg Ashton to forgive me for pushing him away and ask him to give me another chance.
What with all the exercise I did and the fighting training I’d received, I thought I would be prepared for the day he would come for me again. Unfortunately, I was wrong.