Chapter Sixteen
The sun beams down on me as I absentmindedly flip through the pages of a magazine. The strong scent of jasmine drifts up from the bushes that I’d not long planted, a few feet away from the swing chair I’m slouched on. I am just about to take a sip of my coffee when a slam of a door and a girlish giggle come from the house. A smile breaks out on my face as I look up, seeing a beautiful, little girl running towards me. I notice how tall she seems and how the smile on her face melts my heart. Her long, black hair is still damp and flows out behind her as she runs to me.
“Momma!”
I put my cup down just in time for her to jump onto my lap, laughing excitedly. “Hey! Did you have a good time? Did you jump in on your own?” I ask, excited to hear about it.
She nods enthusiastically. “Yeah, I jumped in loads of times, and I splashed Daddy right in the face,” she chirps, laughing wickedly.
I grin. “You did? Good girl! Where is Daddy anyway?”
She shrugs, twirling a lock of my hair around her finger. “He’s putting our swimming stuff in the laundry room.”
“Hey, Baby Girl.” I look up and my heart speeds at the sight of him walking across the garden to me. He is so handsome that my mouth waters.
As he gets to me, he bends and plants a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth before using the pad of his thumb to brush a smudge of dirt from my cheek.
“Hi,” I breathe. It’s almost a sigh of contentment because my whole world is now around me.
“Missed you,” he whispers, before stealing my coffee cup from the side and downing the contents as he plops himself into the seat next to me and casually slings his arm around my shoulder.
I jerked awake, gasping, but for once, smiling as I roused from my dream. Ashton sat up quickly from his makeshift bed on the floor. “You okay? Nightmare?” Concern coloured his sleepy voice.
I opened and closed my mouth a couple of times, grateful that he hadn’t turned on the light because my face was sure to be beet red. I had no idea what to say. I’ve just had my first nice dream in three years… And it involved me having his child? Something is seriously wrong with me!
Horrified, I lay back down. “No, not a nightmare. It’s fine.” A quick check of the clock told me it was almost ten in the morning. We’d not gotten back to the apartment until after one this morning, so I was still tired.
He didn’t leave it though. Instead, he moved, climbing onto the bed and resting his arm across my stomach. “It wasn’t a nightmare? What’s up then?”
My embarrassment grew because the object of my desire in my dream was now too close to me as he looked down at me through the semi-darkness. “I was just dreaming. It wasn’t a bad one. Actually, it was the first nice dream I’ve had since… since…” I frowned, not wanting to say his name again.
“You had a nice dream? That’s great! What was it about?” He sounded ridiculously happy about it.
I winced, squirming under his scrutiny. You, wasn’t exactly something I could answer. “Um…” I chewed on my lip, and he flopped down next to me, lying on his side and shoving his arm under the pillow as his other arm tightened around me, pulling me closer to his warm body. “I, er, had a little daughter. She was beautiful. It was just nice.”
A dazzling smile crossed his lips as I spoke. “You did? Did she look just like you? If she did, then she’d have to be the most beautiful, little girl in the world.”
My heart seemed to clench in my chest at his adorable words. The answer was no though, she hadn’t looked like me, she’d looked like him! “She kinda did,” I answered. The little girl did, in fact, have brown eyes like mine. Needing to make an escape from this awkward conversation before he probed further, I pushed myself up out of bed. “I’m going to make some breakfast. I’m thinking bacon and eggs. Sound good?” I didn’t even wait for an answer before I practically ran from the bedroom, needing a few minutes away from him and the knowledge that I’d had a seriously inappropriate dream about him.
A little while after we’d eaten, I decided that I’d like to kill some time in the gym. According to the pamphlet about ASU that I’d read, there was a well-stocked gym on campus, so I was eager to check it out. As we pulled up outside and climbed out, another car pulled up next to us.
I groaned and threw my hands up in exasperation. “I can go on my own, you know!” I snapped, glaring first at Ashton, and then at my two far guards that had obviously followed us here.
Peter shrugged. “I actually just came to use the gym, I’m off duty. Please direct your glare at these two,” he joked, waving a hand at Ashton and Dean.
I had to smile at that as I rolled my eyes and stalked into the building, not waiting for them. “You guys think I’m some pathetic wuss that can’t defend herself. I could kick all of your asses,” I muttered, shaking my head. I had no idea why I even needed a far guard; Ashton was surely more than enough to stop people from grabbing my butt or pushing me over into a puddle, which was all that would ever likely happen to me.
A scoffing noise came from Peter’s direction, so I raised one eyebrow in question. “You think you could kick my ass?” he asked sarcastically, pulling his shoulders back and smirking at me as he opened the door to the gym and nodded for me to go first.
“Yes,” I answered flatly. He was probably about six foot tall and easily heavier than Ashton because he packed in more muscle, but I was pretty sure I could take him.
When I stepped into the gym, I sighed happily. It was indeed as well-stocked as the pamphlet had promised. And another benefit it had was that it was empty. Being Sunday lunchtime, most students were probably still in bed, sleeping off the night before.
Peter scoffed again, following me into the gym and rolling his eyes, before nodding towards the padded mat area off to one side. “Want to try?”
A grin spread across my face as I nodded slowly. Heck yeah, I want to embarrass you! “Sure.”
Ashton shook his head quickly, holding his hands up in protest. “That’s not really a good idea, Peter.”
I frowned angrily, clenching my teeth together. He thinks I’m going to get hurt? Lousy pretend boyfriend! He’s supposed to support me!
Peter grinned, linking his fingers together, stretching out his arms and cracking his knuckles at the same time. “I won’t hurt her, don’t worry.”
Ashton snorted. “I wasn’t worried about her. You’re supposed to be on duty tonight, and I don’t think having a broken nose will go down well with the whole blending in thing,” Ashton teased, chuckling. My anger evaporated immediately as I understood his hesitancy, and it wasn’t because he was worried I’d get hurt.
“You think she could beat me?” Peter asked, clearly shocked.
Ashton shook his head in response. “I’ve seen her fight, she could definitely beat you, no thinking involved,” he replied rather proudly, smiling over at me.
Peter just burst out laughing and slapped Dean on the shoulder with the back of his hand. “Can you believe this? As if she’d stand a chance.”
Dean’s smile was tight as he raised one eyebrow. “I’ve seen and felt her right hook. I wouldn’t recommend you fight her.”
I grinned happily and walked over to the treadmill. “I’m going to warm up for a while and then if you want, we can spar or something?” I offered, stepping on and turning it onto a slow walk.
Peter nodded in agreement. “Five minutes and then I’ll wipe that smile off of your face.”
Ashton didn’t look too pleased as he walked over to the treadmill next to mine. His gaze was firmly locked on the speed control dial on my machine as I cranked it up a little faster. I would imagine he was waiting for me to go full pelt again – that wouldn’t happen though, not if I was going to be sparring.
After a few minutes Peter called over to me from the weight bench he was at with Dean. “You ready to get your ass kicked, Anna?” he challenged, smirking at me confidently.
Trying to hide my smugness, I turned off my machine as I nodded over to the mats. “Sure, best of three?” I suggested.
“Anna, take it easy, okay? No broken bones,” Ashton warned, following me over to the mats too with an apprehensive look on his face.
“I won’t hurt her!” Peter protested sternly.
Ashton chuckled wickedly. “I wasn’t talking about her bones.”
Peter waved a dismissive hand. “Whatever. Best of three. No hitting in the balls, that’s the only rule on my end. Other than that, you can do what you want.”
I nodded in acknowledgment. “Okay. No taking it easy on me because I’m a girl, that’s my only rule,” I teased. He looked so overconfident; clearly he thought I was some little, delicate doll that couldn’t look after herself. He was in for a shock; this was going to be fun.
“Right then, first down to the mat,” Ashton said, blowing out a big breath. “No pinning down,” he added seemingly as an afterthought.
I nodded and waited for Peter to come at me, standing with my hands down at my sides, not even bothering to defend myself. He wasn’t even going to try and hit me, I could tell. He grinned and came towards me, moving to grab me. Casually, I knocked his hand away and moved to the side, smiling. His eyes widened a fraction before he came for me again. This time I ducked out of his way and kicked him in the leg – not too hard, but just hard enough so that he knew I wasn’t playing around.
“Shit! You actually know how to fight?” he asked, his mouth popping open in shock.
I nodded, grinning. “Kickboxing or karate?” I changed my stance to show him I knew both.
His eyes narrowed as his shoulders tensed. “Er, I don’t know that shit, I know how to street fight,” he stated, coming for me again with his fists up to hit me this time. Effortlessly, I moved to the side, hitting him in the stomach and arm, spinning around low on the floor and sweeping his legs out from under him so he landed flat on his back. I smiled triumphantly as I offered my hand down to help him up. “Ouch, damn it! What was that?” he whined, rubbing his stomach.
“Karate. Want to go for kickboxing now?” I asked hopefully. If he really wanted to fight, that was undoubtedly my favourite.
“Er, I guess,” he answered, looking a little uncomfortable as he glanced at Dean, who was just watching with a grin on his face.
I nodded and stood waiting for him to come at me. He seriously tried this time and managed to get a couple of hits in that would have been good if I hadn’t gotten my guard up, but again, I easily put him down on his back.
“Enough, enough, I believe you. Jeez, you’re a really good fighter,” he admitted, shaking his head and rubbing his leg and arm where I’d hit him.
“Thanks, want to go again?” I asked hopefully. He shook his head quickly, so I looked at Ashton hopefully. “What about you, Pretty Boy?”
“You know you can’t beat me,” he replied, grinning cockily at me.
“I know, but I managed to split your lip last time. You never know, I might be able to get you on your back,” I said shrugging.
He walked up close to me, encroaching in my personal space. “You could get me on my back anytime, Anna. You only need to ask… Oh, and be sober, of course,” he whispered.
Blushing immediately, I laughed and pushed him away. A boyish grin broke out on his face as he kicked his shoes off and stepped onto the mats. He was watching me like a tiger stalking its prey. My insides seemed to squirm as I realised that watching him watch me like that was actually a turn-on. Plus, every time he looked at me, all I could see was the little girl from my dream and the way he’d looked at me when he’d walked up the path, and it was making it difficult to concentrate.
He shifted his weight to his other leg, ready to come for me, so I quickly ducked to the left and tried to hit him in the side, but he blocked it easily. I shifted to kick him, and he brought his leg up so I kicked his leg instead of his side. I smiled in awe; he was an incredible fighter. It was actually sexy to watch him in action.
He came at me again, and I threw a couple of punches and kicks that he deflected. He didn’t once try to hit me, just defended and tried to grab me. As I raised my leg for a well-timed kick, his arm looped around my thigh. The air rushed out of my lungs as he swept my other leg from under me and we both fell to the mats in a heap.
He chuckled. “You’re getting better. You nearly caught me a few times there,” he said, looking at me proudly, still hovering above me. Every inch of his body was pressed against mine. My body started to react to how close he was, my heart was thumping, and my skin was starting to tingle.
“Are you gonna get off me or not?” I asked breathlessly, actually hoping for the second. He groaned before pushing himself off me, pulling me up off the floor as he stood up. His eyes were tight with frustration, and I couldn’t help but smile. At least I’m not the only one that feels this attraction! “Wanna go again?” I asked, grinning.
“Yeah, if you want,” he answered, instantly shifting into his sexy stance.
After an hour in the gym, everyone was all exercised out, so we went back to our respective apartments. I flopped down on the sofa, instantly grabbing the TV remote to see if anything good was on. Ashton took the seat next to mine, scooting down into the seat and watching as I channel surfed until we settled on a movie.
Watching him from the corner of my eye, I realised that I was actually getting used to how relaxed he was and how easy he was to be around. Since Carter, I’d never felt safe or normal in my own skin, but with Ashton it was like I didn’t feel the need to be afraid or ashamed of who I was or what I felt inside.
He laughed at something, running a hand through his hair, making it stick up at the front. Perfectly at ease, I twisted to the side and raised my legs, stretching them out across Ashton’s lap. Without taking his eyes from the movie, he placed an absentminded hand on top of my shin, holding my legs in place as his thumb drew a small circle around my kneecap. I sighed contentedly because it was extremely comfortable. I suddenly wondered why everything with Ashton seemed so effortless. It was weird because even with Jack there had been some awkwardness at times. Maybe it was because we were young; maybe things like comfort came with age. I could quite happily sit with Ashton, not saying a word, but with Jack, sometimes it had felt strained and uncomfortable. Sometimes we’d run out of things to say to each other – that would usually have been about the time that he would go home, or we’d just make out, or watch TV.
Discreetly watching Ashton instead of the movie, I thought about him having a girl of his own and sitting with her like this. He was going to make some girl incredibly lucky when he finally settled out of his player ways that he so vehemently denied. Well, he’ll make her incredibly happy until he’s killed on some stupid SWAT mission, and then he’ll destroy her soul and shatter her heart, I thought. Everyone important left sooner or later. Nothing lasted forever. I’d had first-hand experience at that heartbreak and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
He looked over at me and smiled when he caught me watching him. “You okay?”
I nodded quickly, hoping he’d brush off my looking at him as a coincidence that we’d looked up at the same time. To help that excuse, I said the first thing that came to my mind. “Why did you make Dean and Peter come to the gym with us today? I would have been fine with just you.” Suddenly I was slightly annoyed at his overprotectiveness. The three of them were going to drive me crazy.
He took a deep breath before answering as if expecting a scolding about it. “It’s standard practice and what your father wants.”
I frowned at that. My father wanted a lot of things, not all of them were possible. “Yeah, well I think you’re all taking this too far. It’s ridiculous. And that new codename you were all using for me last night… stupid.” I folded my arms across my chest.
A small smile crept onto his face. “You would have preferred Rocky?” he inquired. I scoffed, trying not to smile.
“I would have preferred to be called by my given name, actually,” I retorted.
He sighed and resumed drawing the little circle on my knee. “Look, one of us needs to be watching you at all times. In order for me to be able to look like your boyfriend and not some pervert stalker that follows his girl everywhere, we made up a code word so I could call if I needed one of them to watch you for a few minutes. It’s not a big deal.”
I did understand that. I’d had codenames before, but I still didn’t really like them. With my father being who he was though, I should probably just accept it as part of the norm now. “Jewel is just pathetic. Who came up with that anyway?”
He shrugged, picking up the TV remote and flicking through the channels because the movie had finished. I hadn’t even noticed because I’d been too busy staring at him and musing about things like his future girlfriend’s broken heart. “We just went with Peter’s suggestion in the end.”
My ears pricked up, interested to know what the other suggestions were. “What were the other suggestions? Maybe we could change it?”
“Well, Dean wanted Regan.”
“Regan?” I frowned at the randomness.
Ashton chuckled wickedly as he nodded. “That’s what the little girl was called in The Exorcist.”
I gasped in outrage. “No! That asshole!” I cried, though laughed at the same time.
“I thought it was pretty good,” he countered. “But I figured that would be hard to explain when we put in the paperwork with your dad.” He grinned at me, his eyes twinkling with mirth.
I had to smile at that too. My father would have been less than impressed. “What about your suggestion, what was that?” I asked, still hopeful that we could switch it to something less pretty and delicate.
His back stiffened as his hand stilled on my leg. “I didn’t have one.”
I cocked my head to the side, watching as his jaw tightened and untightened unconsciously. He was hiding something from me. “You’re a terrible liar,” I stated confidently. “I bet Regan was yours, wasn’t it.” I narrowed my eyes, resisting the urge to pout.
He shook his head in rejection; flicking through TV channels so quickly that you couldn’t even see what was on. “I’m not. That wasn’t mine, promise.”
I nudged his leg with my foot to get his attention from the television. “Tell me yours then,” I prompted.
He shook his head, smirking in my direction teasingly. My mouth popped open in dissatisfaction. I hated secrets. Pushing myself up onto my knees, I poked him in the ribs. Instantly he chuckled, gripping my hand, so I tried to poke him with my other hand instead.
“Tell me!” I demanded, poking him again, watching as he squirmed. That was when I came to the conclusion that my near guard was ticklish. A grin spread across my face as I decided to use it to my advantage. I launched forward, fighting my hands free from his as I started a tickle war.
It was pretty obvious within seconds though that I wasn’t going to win. In mere moments, I was pinned to the sofa with him hovering above me, laughing excitedly as he returned the tickling treatment, making me giggle and squirm under him.
“Stop it!” I cried, struggling to fight free as I gasped for breath from all the laughing.
My wrists were pinned to the sofa as he looked down at me with mischievous eyes. He finally stopped, hovering above me, grinning happily. The smile faded from his face slowly as his eyes met mine. The burning passion was back inside me. I saw it cross his face too; and I definitely felt it stirring against my thigh. I didn’t move. His restraining hold on my wrists loosened, but he didn’t let go or get off me. I grinned, trying to slow my breathing and calm my racing heart. I hadn’t laughed that much for years. It felt nice, kind of liberating.
“Please tell me yours,” I begged.
He sighed, and his eyes tightened. “You don’t want to know mine.” I pouted, even fluttered my eyelashes as I silently begged him. A long groan escaped his lips as he looked down at me and frowned, clearly uncomfortable. “Damn that face, that’s not fair!” he whined. Finally, he sighed. “Pacey. I wanted Pacey.”
Not having a clue what that was about, I raised an inquiring eyebrow. “And what is Pacey? Some sort of sadistic killer?” I inquired.
A smile twitched at the corner of his mouth. “No. Have you seen The Peacemaker?” he asked, biting his lip. I shook my head in answer. I’d never even heard of it. “It’s a movie, one of my favourites, in fact. There’s this girl in it called Pacey. She’s like a supreme being, perfect in every way, incredibly beautiful. She’s kind of a badass like you. She saves the world and then gets the guy at the end,” he explained. His eyes narrowed as if waiting for me to freak out or something.
His words repeated in my head. Incredibly beautiful and perfect in every way. And he’d wanted to name me that? My heart stuttered in my chest as the hair on the nape of my neck stood on end.
“Aww, that’s really sweet. Are you sure that wasn’t Dean’s suggestion?” I joked, trying to keep a hold on the sensations that were flitting through my system as if they were on a freight train.
Ashton laughed uncomfortably. “Actually, yeah it was, I just wanted to steal his glory,” he replied, avoiding my gaze and playing with a strand of my hair.
I smiled, watching him intently, loving how he looked so unsure and so vulnerable. “You’re cute when you’re nervous,” I mused.
There was no sarcastic comment or anything, like I had expected; instead, his words made butterflies swoop around in my stomach. “What would you do if I kissed you right now?” He looked at my lips longingly.
I gulped, shocked at the turn in the conversation. What would I do? I was pretty sure I’d kiss him back, but part of me was screaming at me to push him the hell off me and be true to Jack.
“I’d kick your butt out of my apartment, and you’d have to sleep next door.” I said the words and tried my best to make them sound true.
He shook his head slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. “No you wouldn’t,” he whispered, inching his lips towards mine.
My breath caught in my throat. “Ashton, don’t,” I rasped.
Ignoring my protests, he dipped his head and brushed his lips softly against mine. The kiss lasted barely a second before he broke it, but it was enough to send my body into overdrive as memories of his taste, his touch and his kisses flooded my brain. “Want me to sleep next door tonight?” he asked, his voice sounding husky. His lips brushed against mine softly as he spoke, sending a shiver of anticipation down my spine.
Deciding to answer truthfully, I shook my head, never taking my eyes from his. He smiled and closed the small distance again, pressing his lips to mine harder this time. My eyes fluttered closed as I revelled in the luxury of his lips on mine. Not even having to think about it, I kissed him back. His resulting moan made my skin prickle with excitement. My hands tangled into the back of his hair, pulling him closer to me as the kiss deepened and changed into something more urgent and passionate. Shifting slightly, I freed my legs from under him and gripped his hips with my knees, pulling his body on top of mine harder. The weight of him on top of me, as his hands wandered my body, almost made me dizzy with excitement. My whole body was aching for more of him.
A thought suddenly occurred to me – if kissing him was so wrong, then why did it feel so right? Just once more, I decided. I could make myself happy and give myself what I wanted, couldn’t I? I deserved to be happy just once, didn’t I?
I ran my hands down his back and pushed them down the back of his jeans, feeling his firm buttocks. I moaned at the feel of it. I could picture it when I closed my eyes, and I wanted to see it again. I wanted to have him, just once more. But would I be able to stop at once if it happened, or would I become addicted to his body just as I had done his personality and smile?
A knock at the door interrupted us, snapping us both back to reality. He broke the kiss and a little whimper escaped my lips as my grip tightened on him unconsciously, not letting him move away. A smile twitched at the corner of his mouth as he dipped his head again, pressing his lips back to mine as he cupped the side of my neck with one of his hands.
The knock sounded again, more insistently this time. He groaned against my neck, so I knew the moment was over. Unclamping my knees from his hips, I turned my head to the side and gulped in fresh air as he pulled back, looking down at me with hungry, lust-filled eyes that made my insides clench in excitement.
“I need to get that,” he whined, looking back over his shoulder to the hallway and front door beyond. I nodded, unsure if my voice would work if I tried to speak. He sighed, putting his hand to his hair, smoothing it down because I’d had my hands tangled in it so it now stood at all angles. A blush covered my cheeks as he shoved his hand down the front of his jeans, rearranging himself so that his arousal was less noticeable as he walked to the door.
From the front door, I could hear him talking to someone, and then the voices got louder as they walked towards the lounge. I sat up quickly and smoothed my hair down too, praying my face wasn’t flushed. The person with him was Dean, and judging by the no-nonsense look on his face, it wasn’t a social call.
Dean smiled awkwardly. “Sorry to interrupt. Ashton and I just need to go over a few things before school tomorrow.”
I nodded. “And by that you mean, ‘get lost, Annabelle, we want to talk about secret agent stuff and you’re not invited’,” I guessed, rolling my eyes. “That’s fine, I’m just going to go and see if I can make my head spin and vomit pea soup.”
Dean’s mouth popped open before he looked at Ashton accusingly.
Chuckling and waving over my shoulder, I headed into the bedroom, deciding to take a long soak in the tub. After running myself a bubble bath, I stayed in the water until it turned cold. The whole time I was in there, I couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss with Ashton. Would I have had sex with him again if Dean hadn’t interrupted? I genuinely didn’t know the answer.
After I got out, I found one of Ashton’s T-shirts hanging over the back of the chair, so I pulled it on, pairing it with some boy shorts. I sat on the bed and eyed the photo of Jack that sat on my bedside cabinet. I sighed and picked it up, running my finger over his face. He was so handsome, not in the totally hot way that Ashton was, but in the traditional, blue eyes, blond hair, type of way. I missed him terribly. Guilt built inside me because I had no right to yearn for someone else’s arms to comfort me, yet I just couldn’t seem to help it around Ashton.
My sketch book and pencils were by the bed, so I grabbed them and sat against the headboard. I drew the thing that had been on my mind since I woke up this morning – the little girl from my dream. In my sketch, she laughed and smiled excitedly. On the corner of the page, I drew Ashton as he looked in my dream: gorgeous, happy, and loving.
When I was done, I looked at the page for a long time, confused. It was almost like torture, looking at something that I wouldn’t ever have. My eyes flicked back to the photo of Jack. Why the hell am I obsessing over this little girl? It was just a dream. My heart belonged to Jack and always would, just like we’d always promised each other.
A knock to the bedroom door made me jump. “Hey, can I come in?”
I quickly closed my pad so Ashton couldn’t see the little girl. “Yeah sure.”
He smiled timidly as he opened the door and stepped in. “You okay?”
I smiled, covering the confusion and pain I was feeling at the moment. “Yeah, I’m okay,” I lied. “You get your secret stuff that I’m not allowed to know about done?” I asked, rolling my eyes.
He laughed and walked over to the bed, sitting on the edge. “You’re so hostile! I don’t tell you how to do your job,” he replied.
I snorted at his comment. “Er, actually you kinda do. It’s my job to be guarded, and you tell me what to do all the time,” I countered, raising my eyebrows to make my point.
He grinned. “Not all the time,” he repeated sarcastically. His eyes flicked down to the bed and the smile fell from his face as he picked up my photo of Jack. “So you go for blonds, huh? I’ve got no chance then, completely the opposite,” he stated humourlessly, running a hand through his black hair.
I laughed awkwardly. “You’re too pretty for me, remember?”
He pursed his lips, still studying my photo intently. “You look really happy here.” He finally took his eyes off of it, holding it out to me.
“I was. That was before my life got blown to shit,” I shrugged.
He sighed and scooted closer to me on the bed. “I upset you again because I kissed you, didn’t I? I’ve made you sad again.”
“No. I’m fine,” I lied quietly. I didn’t want to tell him about my personal debate as to whether I could sleep with him one more time or not, I was still undecided on the answer.
He sighed deeply and silence filled the room before he spoke again. “So, what are you drawing? Can I see?” he asked, holding out his hand for the sketchpad.
I laughed, blushing as I hugged the pad to my chest. “If you’re thinking that it’s some dark and horrible drawing that shows my inner turmoil, you’re wrong.”
There was no way I wanted him to know I was obsessing over this little girl, because technically, that meant I was obsessing over him and I didn’t want to scare him away from me. I needed him now; I didn’t want to go back to my life before him – alone and scared. I shuddered at the thought. I suddenly realised that I’d already done what I said I wouldn’t do. I’d let him in. I liked him, cared about him even. Plus, I hadn’t had nightmares for days because of him. What on earth was I going to do in eight months when it came to the end of his assignment and he left me to go make some other girl deliriously happy? The thought alone hurt, and I’d only known him for a few days. What about when I’d known him for eight months? What would I do then?
Panic built inside me because I’d unknowingly made myself vulnerable by letting him close to me – but the thing was, I wouldn’t actually change anything. I liked being around him, and I liked the person that he allowed me to be when I was around him. It was a glimpse of the old Anna, the one that was too frightened to make another appearance in case something went terribly wrong again. Ashton was slowly bringing that lonely, frightened girl back to life again. And I hadn’t even realised until just now. I suddenly found myself wishing he would stay forever. I didn’t want him to go and be reassigned somewhere else and get a girlfriend, I wanted him all to myself so I’d always have this contented, comfortable, safe feeling surrounding me.
“Anna?” he prompted, touching my foot tenderly.
I gulped, swallowing my feelings that didn’t quite make sense to me. “What?” I answered, unsure what he wanted from me. Maybe he’d been talking to me while I was off trying to make sense of my emotions.
“I said, are you really okay? You ran off right after we kissed, and now you’re all quiet and distant with me. Are you wishing that didn’t happen?” he questioned, dipping his head so that my eyes had to meet his.
Again, I didn’t know the answer. “I’m fine. It’s all just complicated. I can’t explain my feelings to you, I don’t know how I feel,” I admitted. I chewed on my lip nervously. My answer was the truth – how could I explain something that I didn’t even understand myself?
He stood and looked down at me worriedly. “Well, if you need to talk to me, I’m here to listen, anytime.”
I smiled gratefully at his back as he stalked to the door. “Ashton?” I called, needing to say something else, because it didn’t feel right leaving it like that. He turned at the door, looking at me quizzically. “Thank you.” The words seemed right, and the only ones that I could think of.
His answering smile was dazzling, and my tummy fluttered again. “No problem, ma’am,” he replied. I groaned as he shut the door behind him. How on earth can one word be so hot when it comes out of his mouth? How can one word make my insides melt? It just isn’t fair.