Twenty-Five
Mommy Issues
When I left for work, Lilly was still sleeping. There’s nothing more beautiful than a sexually satisfied Lilly sleeping like an angel. I never thought there’d be a day when I had to force myself to leave a woman to go to work, but she was a magnetic force. Being around her made me feel like I was balanced, like I wasn’t breaking apart and splitting into different directions all the time.
Since meeting her there had only been a handful of moments when I felt my usual madness and all of those moments had something to do with either her or Jenny being in some form of pain. Other than that, I felt whole again. I hadn’t felt that way since before my mother left.
I sang along with the radio while I worked on a blown head gasket in an old Chevy. For the first time since I was a boy, I didn’t feel like there was a fifty pound weight on my shoulders.
“You sing like shit,” Jenny said as she threw a piece of candy at me.
I was glad to see she wasn’t affected by the big, traumatic scene from a few weeks before. I had to give it to her, she was tough as nails. I couldn’t be more proud of her.
“More candy? What did Josh do now?”
“He beat the shit out of Justin and embarrassed me at school.”
“Justin?”
“My date that night,” she shrugged. “It wasn’t his fault. He was just being a normal teenager and getting drunk.”
“He shouldn’t have left you alone like that. I’m glad Josh got a piece of him. Anymore news on the guys? I’d love to get my hands on them.”
Jenny could never lie to me. She had a tell sign and for years she’d been trying to get it out of me so that she could make sure she didn’t do it. There was no way in Hell I’d tell her so she could lie in my face. It was the silliest thing, but every time she lied her nostrils flared a bit.
I watched as she shuffled her feet and then turned away.
“Nope, nothing,” she said as she dug into her little bag of candy for another piece.
“Now look me in my face and say that,” I said.
She turned my way and her nostrils flared before she even started to speak
“Cut the shit, Jenny. I’ll just go ask dad. Did they find out who they were or anything?”
“They did, but I don’t want you getting your ass arrested for murder. Just let it go and let the cops deal with it. I’ll tell you if you promise not to touch them. We don’t got the money to bail your crazy ass out of jail.”
“I promise.” I held my hands up.
“You promise what?” She asked.
“I promise I won’t touch them.”
A baseball bat to their knees wasn’t technically me touching them.
She told me and the worst part was I knew the bastards from high school. They were out on bail, so soon, very soon, I’d see them again. Eric Fitch, Ryan Lang, and Chuck Mitchell—I had a bat with their names on it.
“Don’t tell Lilly I told you, OK? She didn’t want to tell you for the same reasons I didn’t want to tell you.”
“I won’t say anything.”
And I wouldn’t.
I felt a tiny sting at knowing that Lilly had withheld information from me, but I guess I can understand why she did.
I stayed home that night, but only because I had a guy bringing over a car super early. Lilly was going back to work tomorrow anyway, so instead, we stayed on the phone until we were both falling asleep.
The next morning I got an early start and spent most of the day working. Life was good and I couldn’t wait to get back over to Lilly’s and be near her.
I heard a car door outside the garage so I walked out and was met with a tall, gangly man standing beside a Mercedes. He was older and balding a little, but still dressed pretty nice. I could tell by looking at him that he wasn’t from Walterboro.
“Can I help you?” I asked.
“I’m looking for a Harold Michaels. Is he here?”
“No sir, but I’m here. What can I do for you?”
“Are you Devin?”
“That’s me.” I suddenly felt uncomfortable with him being here.
He reached out his hand for me to shake it.
“My name’s Dan Archer. It’s nice to meet to you.”
I shook his clammy hand, but I couldn’t say the same. It wasn’t nice to meet him. If anything, he was slowing me down and keeping me from my girl.
“Can I ask what this is about?”
“I’m here about your mom, Laura Michaels.”
I hadn’t heard her name said out loud in so long and it was like slap in the face. He needed to leave.
“She doesn’t live here anymore,” I said dryly.
I turned and rudely walked away. I didn’t know who he was or what the hell he wanted, but anything that had to do with her I wanted no part of.
“Devin, you need to hear this!” He called after me.
“Don’t talk to me like you know me, and I don’t need to hear anything except my shower water. Get lost.”
I turned again.
“Your mom and I were together for the last seven years,” he said loudly.
“Good for you. Although, I wouldn’t be too proud of that if I were you.” I was halfway across the yard when I realized he was following me. “Dude, if you don’t get the hell off of my property I’m gonna kick your ass!” I started back toward him.
I would, too! I didn’t need this shit. My dad and Jenny didn’t need it, either. We were moving on with our lives. My life was just starting to make sense and the last thing I needed was anything that had to do with the woman who birthed me.
He didn’t move as I got in his face.
“Devin, just listen.”
“One,” I started to count.
I was already passed being pissed off. I was giving him a chance to turn and leave.
“There are things you need to know.” He started to panic.
“Two.” I swear if he was still standing there when I got to three I was going to punch him square in the face.
“If we could just wait until your dad’s here, I really have something I think you all should know.”
Oh, hell no! He was not rubbing this crap in my dad’s face. My dad didn’t need to see the man my “mother” was fucking. He didn’t need to know that this man even existed.
“Time’s up, Fuck face…three.” I snatched him up around the collar and hauled his scrawny frame upward.
He pulled back as if he was going to run, but I was much stronger. I pulled back my arm ready to feel his nose against my fist.
“Devin, your mom passed away last week!” He shouted in a panic and I could see the sadness in his eyes.
Everything stopped. My fist sat suspended in the air and all the oxygen left my body. Black spots danced in my vision and I felt my other hand loosen around his collar.
“Are you OK, buddy?” I heard him ask.
“I’m not your fucking buddy.” I shoved him away. “How’d she die?” I croaked.
“Lung cancer. I only came because I thought you and Jenny should know. I would’ve liked to talk to your father about this. I bare no ill will with him. Your mother and I met a year after she moved to Maryland.”
Maryland. That’s where she ran off to. That’s where she’s been all these years, living her life as if Jenny and I never existed and now, she was dead.
I never got a chance to tell her how badly she scarred me. I never got to tell her how I felt, how I hated her for turning me into a heartless bastard. I hated her for leaving me and Jenny. I hated her, and now she was gone. She’s been gone for many years, but I think there was always a part in the back of my brain that thought I’d see her again one day.
I was disgusted by the fact that as much I as hated to admit it, I’d hoped to see her again. She was gone. My mother was dead.
“Leave.”
“Devin, I think I should talk to your father.”
“I’ll deal with my father, you leave.”
I’m not sure what it was in my face that made this guy turn and leave, but he didn’t hesitate.
I watched as he walked back to his luxury car and pulled away. I felt as though my feet had grown roots. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe, and the worst part was it hurt so bad knowing she was dead. She didn’t care about me a bit, yet here I was deep inside mourning her.
No way could I tell dad and Jenny. No way.
Suddenly, all I felt was anger. How dare she die without saying goodbye to us? She died from lung cancer, not a sudden death. She didn’t die in a car accident or have a fucking massive heart attack. She had found out that she was dying and she still didn’t come to say goodbye.
I lost all control of myself as I rampaged through the garage. I pulled over tool-boxes and busted out car windows with a tire iron. Poor Lucy got the brunt of it.
After I destroyed the garage, I was inside tearing through the refrigerator. I sucked down one of Dad’s beers, but it wasn’t enough. I could still feel. I ripped open the liquor cabinet and grabbed dad’s large bottle of Crown Royal. I didn’t even bother with a shot glass as I downed the burning liquid. The fire in my throat seemed to relieve the pain in my chest.
I needed to not feel. I didn’t want to feel anything.
I wished to Hell that Dan Archer had stayed so I could pound my fist into his face. I was full of anger and now I was also full of liquor and I needed a release of some sort before I fucking exploded.
That’s how Jenny found me, drunk out of my mind, sitting at the kitchen table.
“Devin!” She came busting in the back door. “Are you OK? Someone destroyed the garage and busted a window in your car. What the fuck happened?” She was panicked.
Her wide green eyes beat into me…so innocent. She was just a baby when that bitch left us and now she had the nerve to leave again.
I’d kill anyone who ever tried to hurt her…anyone. Actually, I had a date with a baseball bat and an attempted rapist’s face. If he was man enough to beat a female senseless, then he was man enough to take the beating that was coming his way.
My chair skidded across the floor as I jumped up. Eric Fitch. I knew where he lived. He thought he was going to hurt my Jenny and my Lilly and get away with it. Well, he had another thing coming.
“Are you drunk? Devin, what the hell’s wrong? What’s going on?” The worry in her eyes fueled my rage.
I turned away and headed for the back door. The screened door was ripped off of its hinges as I tore through it. Then I was at my car. I was drunk, I could feel myself dragging, but it didn’t matter.
I couldn’t find a baseball bat, so instead I picked up the tire iron I had used before and hopped into my car, broken glass and all.
“Devin!” I heard Jenny scream after me as I squealed tires down the road.
The ride to his house was a blur. I had drunk too much and I could still feel. I was so angry I was seeing red.
I ran into the back of a car when I finally made it to Eric’s driveway. I beat the hell out of the door for what felt like hours and then finally he answered. It pissed me off more when I saw the look in his eyes. He remembered me and he knew why I was there. He knew it was my baby sister.
I didn’t even say two words to him.
“Look, man, I’m sorry.” He held up his hands like a little bitch.
I yanked him down the front porch steps to the middle of his yard and then I began to unmercifully beat the living shit out of him. I’d left my tire iron in the car, but I think using my fists felt better. It hurt so good to beat him in the face. My knuckles cracked with each hit.
He called for help and at one point I was almost positive someone else was screaming for me to stop, but I couldn’t and I didn’t want to. I wanted him to hurt the way Lilly and Jenny had hurt. I wanted to break him the way that I was broken.
Once he stayed down and I didn’t see him moving anymore, I dropped to the ground next to his limp body. There was blood everywhere, but I didn’t care. That bastard needed to bleed.
When I stood I could feel myself leaning. I hoped that I could make it to the car, but the liquor was in my veins and no matter how badly I wanted it to numb me, I still could feel.
I felt like I was coming apart, like there were pieces of me trying to run away from each other in opposite directions, and it was ten times worse than before.
How was I ever going to feel centered again? How was I ever going to feel anything other than pain and anger again? I needed to feel centered. I needed to be alive and I needed to be balanced again.
I turned back to my car and hopped in. I needed Lilly.