“Darling, you look terrible!”

Giselle, of course, looked sleek and angular and perfect, her eyes so smoky she could have been a forest fire. She immediately took me in her arms, her bangles tinkling, and squeezed me tight.

“Do I look that bad?” I asked.

She held me out at arm’s length. “You haven’t seen a stylist or a skincare consultant in weeks, it’s obvious. And what is that terrible sweater?”

I looked down. Oh, hell, had I not changed clothes? This was what I’d worn to Cave’s the other night.

All around us were the pops of camera flashes and the murmur of the watching crowd. It almost felt good, like getting back to normal, that sense of being watched that isn’t paranoid because you are being watched.

“How was Barcelona?” I asked.

“Dreadful,” said Giselle. We walked out to the car, waving at photographers and onlookers. “All the good DJs have decamped for Mallorca of all places, so the parties were dull. I suppose you know all about dull, don’t you, now that you’re back in your little hometown?”

When the car doors closed, I took a breath. It was like when the air pressure changed in the jet, suddenly having privacy again.

“It’s not so bad,” I said. “I’m sorry they had to fly you over here.”

“Oh, I don’t mind. I need a bit of a break. When they said you needed my help, you know I agreed right away. You sound like your throat might shatter any moment. Are you going to have surgery?”

“God, I hope not,” I said. “They say I just need rest.”

“All those ridiculously high notes you hit. Don’t you be shy about the surgery, though. I’ve known several people who’ve had it, and their voices sound better than ever now.” She looked out the window. “It’s a quaint little town. Hard to believe you came from here, though. Is it all fishermen and well-meaning art supply stores?”

I thought of how Oceanside had looked when I ran away. How, when the wind was right, the smell of the cannery used to dominate the town, until you felt like you couldn’t breathe. So much had changed.

Through Giselle’s eyes, it must all look so small and tawdry, a town of people who tried too hard to be better than they were. She pulled a small box out of her tiny gold purse. “Do you mind if I smoke, darling? Oh, wait, your throat. You poor thing. I’ll be a saint and put it off until we reach my hotel.”

“Toby will be happy to see you again,” I said. “You’re all he’s been talking about for days.”

She gave me a wry smile. “Because he loves me, or because he’s scared if you’re not covered with women every second of the day, someone might realize the horrible truth about you?”

“A little of both, I imagine.”

“The things we sacrifice for fame,” she said, sighing dramatically. “I always wonder what it must be like to date a straight man. I’m sure they exist, don’t they? People say the world is full of them. Yet I seem to have become some sort of professional beard.”

Without wanting to, I thought of Cave again. Cave didn’t lie to anyone about his orientation. He was just a big suburban gay dad, and the world had to accept it.

I should have asked him what it was like, to be that open. I’d probably never have the chance again.

“I’ll try to make it worth your while,” I said.

“Financially, or in terms of keeping me amused? Because darling, after that disastrous trip to Spain, I need more amusement than any one person could possibly supply.”

* * *

“Toby, how could you bring me to such a wretched place?” asked Giselle, laughing with delight and kissing Toby on both cheeks. “It’s like a bomb was dropped and destroyed every molecule of culture in the town!”

“Blame our boy Ransom for that!” said Toby, pointing at me as I slid back onto the couch, the teapot and cup on the table in front of me. “He was determined to come here. There was no stopping him.”

“He’s far too young for a place like this,” she said. “It’s going to make him elderly before his time.”

Toby slid open the balcony door and she walked outside, lighting her cigarette, far enough away from me that the smoke couldn’t reach me.

“That’s exactly why we needed you,” he told her. “To balance out the boredom of Oceanside with something exciting and new.”

“You know, I’m right here in the room,” I said. I didn’t feel like reiterating the point of why the town was important to me. I certainly didn’t feel like going through the whole what if I can never sing again? conversation.

“We have an itinerary all set for you,” said Toby. “There’s not much to see here, but we wanted to be sure to get coverage of you and Ransom hitting the places he grew up.”

“Fascinating,” she said in a dull tone, blowing her smoke away.

Toby turned to me. “The label is thinking we could turn this adventure into an album. Lots of songs about homesickness and returning to your roots. People will eat that up. Everybody likes nostalgia.”

Not me, I thought.

“I’ve got more clips for you to listen to. Meantime, in less exciting news, I’ve gotten a call about scheduling a meeting with the local businessmen. They want to throw you a parade or something, Ransom. The label is sending a PR team down.”

Giselle groaned. “I should have just jumped over to Mallorca. You didn’t tell me I’d have to visit with the chamber of fucking commerce.”

She could have been a little more grateful. She wasn’t just here to help me; I was a bigger star than she was, and dating me was going to give her career a boost. Still, she was used to being entertained at all times; I knew this visit must come as a shock to her. We couldn’t offer her the kind of fun she was used to.

It probably wasn’t fair to compare her to Cave. Two different people, two totally different backgrounds. But I couldn’t imagine Cave pouting over being someplace he didn’t want to be. I think it was one of the things I had liked most about him in school. He was shy, he was cute, but he was so good-natured. He took life as it came to him. Hell, you could see that even now. Some people would be furious and full of grudges if their sibling dropped off an unwanted baby on them. Cave saw it as an opportunity.

Was it wrong that I wanted to see him again? I knew it was impossible. There had been a finality to that last kiss. He understood that we couldn’t be together, and the kiss had been a punctuation mark, putting a close to that part of our lives.

Besides, now I had Giselle, and would put on my act of being the great lover of women. We’d hold hands, we’d be caught kissing in public, we’d point things out to each other and act surprised, all for an audience of millions.

I couldn’t have someone like Cave. I was rich, I was famous, and yet he was utterly out of my reach. I wasn’t allowed to have someone that honest, that natural.

Maybe it really was a mistake to have come back. I’d thought I could do some good here, at the same time as laying old memories to rest. But I hadn’t realized the memories would just come back, stronger than ever. I hadn’t realized they’d be like the ceaseless tide, always washing in, never leaving me alone.

I’d left this tiny fucking town in a quest for honesty, and now I was fake-dating a model who was bored to be here and would require constant cheering up. I’d have to see this through. This is what my life had become. These were the choices I had made.

I wondered what Cave was up to.