Does it make me a bad person that I was happy to get out of Cave’s suite? The second the door closed behind me, I leaned against the wall and deflated with a long, long sigh.

I had been so close to asking him about last night. Not the sex part; I think we could both agree that went very well. But he’d left, in the middle of the night. Had it just been because he needed to be with his baby? Or had he been trying to get away from me?

Why did it matter so much? I’d woken up and reached out for him, confused and a little sad to find that he had gone. I’d sat up in bed, looking all around for him, before exhaustion had pushed me back onto the pillows and put me to sleep for another few hours.

I knew I was in dangerous territory here. For all my protestations that this trip was just a chance to have some fun with him, a chance to be semi-normal, I couldn’t deny that I was feeling something strong, something I was afraid to name, afraid to ask about. Did he feel it too? I was frightened by the idea that he might.

But back there in his suite, when I’d had Jojo on my lap, a fire in the fireplace, the strange warmth of domesticity in the air, I had felt the question hanging between Cave and me, unasked. I could see it in his face, that he had the question too: What are we doing? What is this? What does it mean?

I wondered if he was as afraid of the answer as I was.

Toby was in his suite, looking well-rested and freshly pink from a shower, a towel around his shoulders, but already back on his laptop, tapping away emails. “Morning,” he said. “Have you eaten?”

I touched my throat. “Not quite in the mood yet.”

“Are you sure we don’t need to get a doctor to look at you? I don’t know why your voice would suddenly have gotten worse in the past 24 hours.”

Of course, I couldn’t tell him it was because Cave had thrown me into an ice-cold lake; he’d have Cave arrested for assault or something. Better to stay off the subject of Cave entirely while I was with Toby. It wasn’t like we could hide from the fact that Cave was our reason for being here, but if we kept up the polite fiction that it was a vacation for all of us, we could avoid more uncomfortable conversations about it.

“Where’s Giselle?” I asked.

“She and Rhody are holed up on her balcony. I believe she is busy bad-mouthing you. She hates it here, Ransom.”

“She’ll survive,” I said.

“You know, she’s a human being too,” said Toby. “She came a long way to help you out. You could treat her better than you’re doing. I know you’re all distracted by your boyfriend right now--”

“He’s not my--”

“--but she’s your friend, and she deserves better. We’re going to have to do something really nice for her. You are going to have do something nice. Find some way to entertain her, keep her interested. You can’t just drop her off with Rhody so that you don’t have to look at her.”

“She suggested Rhody. Besides, find some way to entertain her? She’s not a baby, Toby. She should entertain herself.”

He closed his laptop. “That’s really not fair, Ransom. I know this is your big getaway to forget all your responsibilities, but you’ve got people who depend on you, and she’s one of them right now.”

“Hell, just let her go,” I said. “Get her a first-class ticket somewhere nice, that’ll make up for it.”

“Yeah, let her walk out of your fake relationship, that’s a great idea.”

The thing is, he was right. It really wasn’t Giselle’s fault that she arrived at the same time I was running into Cave. As much as I wanted to think of her as an obstacle, yet another thing getting in the way of my happiness, she was a friend, and she was here to do me a favor.

Just as Toby had predicted, she was on her balcony, sitting on the rail, one leg propped up. The mountains made a dramatic backdrop. Too bad smoking was so bad for you; she really made it look classy. On the other hand, Rhody looked much less glamorous, arms crossed, glowering at me.

“Come to condemn me again?” Giselle asked, her voice empty of emotion.

“When have I ever condemned you? Maybe I’m here to apologize. Or to check on you. I don’t know. I’m sorry you’re having a bad time.”

“Surprised you could spare a thought for me, now that you’re all wrapped up in your new family,” she said. She blew a plume of smoke and watched the breeze carry it towards the lake, a little vanishing cloud.

“Do you need anything? I could get Toby to order you a--”

“She’s not a child, Ransom,” Rhody said.

“What? I never said--”

Giselle interrupted: “I know exactly how you and Toby talk about me. Let me guess, you were working out a way to entertain me while we were here. Maybe I could borrow some of Cave’s baby’s toys, would that work? Nice bright colors for Giselle? Some happy tinkling music?”

I leaned against the rail. “In my defense, you’re always talking about how bored you are, so yes, the idea of entertaining you did come up.”

“Boredom isn’t a lack of things to do,” she said. “I can survive doing nothing. I was telling Rhody here about how long a photo shoot can take, and how much of that time is just sitting, waiting on lights and props to be set up. Hour after hour, doing nothing at all. But at least I’m treated like a human being while I wait.”

“Giselle, I treat you like a human being,” I said.

“You treat me like a piece of furniture you don’t particularly like. You ignore me until I’m in the way, and you stub your toe.”

“That’s not fair.”

She stubbed out her cigarette and lit another. “I suppose I’m jealous, in a way.”

“Jealous? That doesn’t make sense, you know I’m--”

“I don’t mean like that,” she said. “Don’t think so highly of yourself. I’m jealous that you don’t even want to have conversations with me anymore. That you see me as such an obstacle to your One True Love with his baby there, that you can’t even speak to me without every word dripping with resentment.”

“He’s not my one true love.”

“And yet although you will sit with him for hours in his boring little suburban house talking about boring little suburban things, if I try to talk to you for five minutes about this world we inhabit, I’m an interloper.”

“Jesus, Giselle, why didn’t you just say that to begin with? If you wanted to hang out, we totally could have done that. We still could. But when you start acting like you’re part of the big plan to keep me from seeing anyone...well...how can I help but feel like you’re working against me?”

I thought I heard Rhody mutter, “Drama queen.”

Giselle turned, sliding down from the railing. “It’s this world of ours,” she said. “It twists everything. Everything becomes about your career.”

“How well I know that.”

“If we were just friends, if we were living some boring life where you were a hardworking shop clerk and I was a book-keeper, and we didn’t have to worry about fame and contracts and the media, I would say to you: Aren’t you moving a little fast with Cave? Are you letting nostalgia drive the car? And it wouldn’t be all bound up with this idea that you’ll wreck everything if you come out of the closet, it wouldn’t be so fraught with peril. I could just say it, like a friend.”

I looked at her. “Do you think we are going too fast?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Yes?” She turned to Rhody. “How do normal people do it, Rhody? When do mountain resorts come into the picture usually? Third date? Fifth?”

I was grateful to hear her say it, honestly. Not because I wanted an obstacle to whatever was happening with Cave, not because I wanted to put the brakes on or anything like that, but I just needed to know that my hesitation and my questions were rational. That it wasn’t just cold feet. We were moving fast, and I wanted to move fast...but if nostalgia was driving the car, then it was also blocking my view, and I couldn’t see where we were going.

“Do you want to go on a hike with me?” I asked her. “Do you want to throw some boots on and come with me to the trail down there?”

“What about your not-actually-a-boyfriend?”

“Cave is too tired.”

“Lovely, I’m the second choice!” she said. But she laughed and patted me on the shoulder, to let me know it was okay. She and Rhody communicated something with their eyes; I noticed Rhody fade into the background. Giselle said, “My one rule is, I get to do all the talking. I have so many things going on, Ransom, and haven’t been allowed to tell you any of them!”

* * *

The great room of the lodge had an enormous fireplace, big enough that you could’ve parked a car in it. A huge thick rug lay in front of it, flanked with comfortable couches. The lamps overhead were all off, and the only light was the bright flickering orange of the raging fire.

Cave was there, alone, lying on one of the couches reading a book. His shoes were on the floor next to him, lined up perfectly.

“Don’t you look relaxed,” I said.

His face brightened when he realized I was here. “Oh, Ransom, you’ll never guess. I took a nap. An honest to god, uninterrupted nap. It was the most luxurious thing that has happened to me in a solid year.”

“Glad you finally got some rest. How’s Jojo?”

“Already asleep for the night. And now I’m wide awake. It’s going to be hell getting our sleep cycles back in line, once we’re back home. It’s worth it, though. I feel like I could just stretch and roll around in front of the fire for hours. Thank you for this, Ransom. I really mean that. Thanks for the chance to come here.”

I nudged his legs aside so I could sit on the couch. “You’re welcome. I am full of good deeds. I took a long walk with Giselle, learning what the hottest women’s boot fashions are going to be this winter. Two words: Fake chinchilla.”

“Did she have a lot of horrible things to say about me?”

“You hardly came up at all. Probably for the best. I don’t want to hear horrible things about you.”

A companionable silence fell between us, broken only by the crackling of the logs on the fire. He shifted and put his legs in my lap, and I found myself absently stroking his calves. I stared into the fire, watching the shapes of the flames as they leaped and flicked and changed.

“We’re eventually going to have to talk about this,” I said.

“Chinchilla boots?”

I smacked his calf. “Us. We’re going to have to talk about us.”

Cave shook his head, staring into the flames. “I don’t want to. That’s too serious. Can’t we just sit by the fire and be cozy and not think about the bigger picture?”

“I’d love that, but...”

He looked back at me, his face half in shadow. “I know. I know. I’m just not ready to say goodbye yet. Not again. Once you’re gone this time, I’ll probably never see you again.”

I’d thought about how to say what I wanted to tell him, but hearing the pain in his voice, suddenly all my words went away.

He continued. “It might actually be worse if I did see you again. God, could you imagine, if we just caught up every year or so? How awful that would be, knowing all that happened between us this week. Having to be polite, catching up, like two pals from school who had nothing deeper going on.”

“That does sound awful.”

“But I can’t bear it, Ransom. I know you’ve got to go back to your own world. I know how important it is to you--how it’s your home. I try to tell myself that at least this time I knew you were leaving, in advance. That it won’t hurt as bad as it did when we were kids, because this time everything’s above-board, no surprises. So why is it that every time I think about it, I feel like I’m being ripped apart?”

I reached for his hand. “There’s another option, you know. I could just...not leave.”

When his head shook, I felt his weight of sorrow as if it were my own. No, I had to be honest, it was my own. The idea of leaving him would break my heart in two.

“You know you can’t do that,” he said. “I’d never ask you to do that. You have worked so hard to be a star, and not in a million years could I tell you to leave all that behind and join my boring little life back in Oceanside.”

“Come on,” I said, “your life in Oceanside is great. You’ve got a ton of friends, everybody respects you there, you’ve got the beach, the sun, Jojo. I mean that, Cave. You’ve never been in any other life, so maybe you don’t know how good you have it. Your life is real. It’s not some made-up story to please a bunch of crazy fans. You don’t have to change yourself, change your identity, making yourself into something other people want to see.”

“Don’t I?” he said. “Haven’t I done just that? I watch my friends going off and having adventures, and I’m so jealous, Ransom. They’re dating, getting in big relationships, flying off to islands...and I stay at home changing diapers and updating website code. And I love it, you know I do--”

“Nobody questions that. I see how much you love your life.”

“--but when you walked back into my world, it showed me how much excitement I’m missing out on. How much I’ve really changed myself over the years. Mr. Responsibility. I’m not spontaneous, I’m not interesting. I’m good and wholesome. I’m like oatmeal for breakfast, and not the kind with maple and brown sugar.”

“You know, speaking as someone who lives the metaphorical equivalent of Pop Rocks for breakfast, I think you’re selling yourself short. I look at your life and it hurts, Cave, seeing how happy you are, how natural. You’re not just Mr. Responsibility, you’re also Mr. Authenticity. Mr. Integrity. You’re like...exactly the person I thought I had to leave Oceanside to become. And instead, I’m an empty shell.”

“Oh come on. You’re not empty in the least,” he said.

“I spend so much time being Ransom Pope The Star, I don’t remember how to be Ransom Pope the person anymore. You have shown me what I’m missing. What I’m starving for. I wish I’d never left Oceanside,” I said, a catch in my voice. “I wish I’d just stayed with you. Grown up with you.”

His hand tightened and squeezed mine. “I wish you had too. I spent so long hoping you would just come back to me.”

“That’s what I’m here to say, I guess.” I looked to the fire, then back at him. “I’m back. For you.”

“I know. And it has been so nice, but--”

“That’s the thing. I don’t want nice. I don’t want but. Not a fling, not torturing myself with nostalgia. I want you, Cave.”

Now he sat up. The fire sparkled in his eyes. “What are you saying?”

“I’ve been trying to write songs lately, and the image that keeps coming back to me, again and again, is a ghost. Someone who is trapped, always coming back, always trying to get it right. Trying to correct the mistakes of his past. That’s who I am in my life, Cave, I’m a ghost, haunting the boardwalk, haunting Oceanside, going back again and again in memory, imagining what it might’ve been like if I’d made some other decision.”

He was close to me now. His face was only inches away, only the edge limned in the firelight.

I said, “What if I don’t want to be a ghost anymore? What if I want to make that other decision now? What if I take it all back? Will I finally be at peace?”

His hand was soft against my cheek. “A relationship isn’t a cure,” he said in a whisper. “Another person can’t solve the pain of your life. They can’t give you peace.”

“I know that. I would never expect that of you. We’re grown-ups, we have to live with the ramifications of our choices. But damn it, Cave, I want you back. I know it’s not as simple as coming back to Oceanside. My life is hugely complicated, and I don’t know how anything would work. But I want you. I want to be with you. I miss you.”

When he kissed me, it was different from our other kisses. Not the soft hesitation of our first kiss, nor the raw hungry passion of last night. This was something else. A welcome. Throwing open the doors of our lives to one another. Some confidence that I hadn’t even realized was missing, now suffusing us.

“I want to be with you too,” said Cave. “I hadn’t even wanted to admit it was possible. I have missed you so much. Seeing you on TV, seeing you in magazines, it hurt so much that you belonged to the world instead of me.”

“So can we do this?” I asked. “I don’t even know how to be in a relationship, not anymore. I don’t know how any of it will work.”

He shook his head. “I don’t either. It’s going to be a shock to the system, for both of us. But I don’t care. I want this. If you want it too, we’ll work it out.”

What was this feeling? What was this warmth that filled me up, that left me feeling like we could conquer anything together? My fingers and toes felt it, my lips tingled with it.

I said it. For the first time in my adult life, I said it and meant it: “I love you, Cave Mathis.”

I couldn’t even see him, he was so close, his lips against me, whispering, “I love you too.”