“I just think it calls into question the whole idea of an autumn parade,” said Thackeray Boudreau, owner and operator of Boudreau Orchids and Gifts. “Do we want to let the decline and fall of Ransom Pope bring our celebration crashing down?”

You might think that an emergency session of the Oceanside Autumn Parade Committee would be the last place I wanted to be right now, with its tense atmosphere, but you’d be wrong. The last place I wanted to be was home, sitting around trying to figure out whether I was angry with Ransom, or furious with him. There was a difference between the two, and I wasn’t eager to do a lot of introspection to sort that out. I was buzzing with energy and had thought about taking a long walk through town when the text came in that we were meeting right away.

“We’ve invested far too much time and energy to stop now,” said River Tate, rising from his seat. “Not to mention how much money we’ve sunk into it.”

“Are you saying,” demanded Thackeray, “that we should have the whole city show up to an event where the honoree might be in too much disgrace ever to show up? What kind of example does that set?”

It was strange to be the only person in the room with any real information about the problem. I looked at the angry faces--Thackeray’s portly cheeks red with agitation, River’s stoic composure masking his concern over just how much money Pages at the Pier had spent on this event--and thought how easily I could solve it all if I could just be honest. Hey guys, don’t worry, my life is about to get much more complicated, but I think you’ll still be able to have your parade.

Was it going to get complicated? It was one thing for Giselle to be romantically linked to Ransom, one of those meaningless tabloid-talk phrases that could stand for anything, it was so empty. A lot different for them to be engaged, even if that were fake. For one thing, fake or not, it made me jealous as hell. Again, I wasn’t trying to sit here and decipher whether I was merely angry or actually furious, but that jealousy, and the knowledge that Ransom might go along with the engagement plan, regardless of how I felt about it, could definitely nudge me towards fury.

Just come out of the closet, Ransom.

Of course, I could say that. I lived in a town swarming with gay guys, a town that had gone from that typical Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell atmosphere of my childhood, to something much more inclusive and open. It was easy to be gay in Oceanside, and it was easy to forget how much harder it was in other parts of the country. It was different for Ransom. He actually had something to lose, coming out. I knew that. I didn’t care right this second, but I knew it.

Rhody took her turn to speak. “Look, I don’t have much stake in this unless we think tourists are going to buy a lot of picture frames. But I’ve done my part to get ready for this weekend. I’ve invited every customer I have, I’ve had flyers printed up, and I think we should go for it. It’s not like Ransom is the only attraction. Lots of towns have parades without world-famous superstars, don’t they? We’ve still got floats, and the high school band, and--”

“Tourists are not arriving in droves to Oceanside for the high school band!” said Thackeray, dabbing his moist pink brow with a handkerchief. “We’ll be the laughingstock of the state! Rhody, I know you and River have put a lot into this, but I have too! Who else could supply all the flowers to decorate the floats? Do you know how expensive that was, how many strings we had to pull?”

I didn’t mean to speak up. I could’ve been content to sit here silently and watch the show play out. “Rhody and River are right,” I said. “We should hold the parade. We’ve all done a lot of work, work we can be proud of. Ransom will show up. His people have already agreed to it.”

That got Thackeray looking in my direction. “I appreciate that we all have opinions, Cave, even those of us who have only designed the websites--”

“Don’t be an ass, Thackeray,” said Rhody.

“Have any of you seen the news?” he thundered. “What do you think the headlines will be, if Ransom does show up to our parade, under this cloud of suspicion?”

“Cloud of suspicion?” I said. “He didn’t murder anybody, Thackeray.”

“He murdered his own reputation! If he was rolling around in the grass with some strange man while he was supposed to be seeing the lovely Giselle Richter, can he really be trusted?”

“Who knew the most homophobic man in Oceanside would be the goddamned florist?” muttered Rhody, giving me a conspiratorial look.

Some strange man. I’d been over the pictures again and again. I knew it was me. I was so recognizable to myself. Yet no one else seemed to realize it was me. The more amazing part is that the three people in town who knew the truth--Rhody, Nat, and Owen--were keeping their mouths shut about it. It was an Oceanside miracle.

Thackeray wasn’t going to shout me down, though. I was too pissed off (there, a nice balance between angry and furious), and I had to get it out of my system somehow. “I’ll say this: I believe Ransom will show up. You saw how many people he got involved in the meet-and-greet. These are people who plan his appearances weeks or months in advance, and they all came down here to make this parade happen for us. Also? It’s going to be a lot of work when all this is over, taking down the website updates we put up to help announce this--including the work I did for you, Thackeray. If I have to rush to take it down because you’re canceling the parade, I assure you my fees are going to be much higher.”

“Cave is right,” said Rhody. “Look, everybody knows Ransom’s a player. He plays a good guy in his songs, but he goes through women faster than I do. Who the hell knows what we’re seeing in those pictures? Everybody thinks it’s some big gay fling, but that’s just because that’s what all the gossip sites assumed. Who the hell knows? I’ll tell you this, Giselle is fucking devastatingly hot, and Ransom would be an idiot to give her up.”

I suppose I should have nodded in agreement, but there was a lump in my throat that wouldn’t go down, no matter how much I swallowed. If Giselle came back, Rhody might as well be right. Ransom wouldn’t be able to give her up. Even if he loved me.

“If?” I questioned myself. “You can’t doubt that he really loves you.” But I could doubt anything, it turned out.

Thackeray looked at us all in turn and wiped his forehead again. With a huff, he sat back in his red leather chair. “Well. I see I’m not going to win this debate. Too many of Ransom’s fans in the room, I suppose. Fine, then, go ahead with the parade. I won’t stand in your way. But when he fails to show, or the scandal brings it all crashing down, you remember who told you how all this would end!”

There was no collective sigh of relief. We were all too on-edge because even those of us who had defended Ransom knew that Thackeray had a point. I knew he had a point. If Toby said Ransom had to flee Oceanside, then Ransom would be on his jet in no time.

Everyone was getting up, gathering their notebooks and phones and papers, saying goodbye. Time to get back to business. I found myself unable to move for a moment. It was one thing for the parade to be up in the air. Far different to feel my whole life was teetering on the balance.

If you spend your whole life being responsible, then you really start to think you can get things under control. If you work hard enough, smart enough, then things will work out your way. Then something happens and you realize how little control you have over your life. A hurricane, an earthquake, a health crisis. Strange to think that it was none of those that had put my happiness at risk, but rather Toby. I didn’t even know his last name. How could he have such an impact on my life? Why did Ransom trust him? Why did Ransom act like Toby had to have full control?

I hadn’t even realized nearly everyone was gone until I looked up. Thackeray, his face getting back to its normal color, was staring at me quizzically.

“You know something, Cave?”

“What’s that, Thackeray?”

“You look an awful lot like the man in that picture.”

I knew what he meant, of course. I’d been waiting for the entire world to make that connection. What I hadn’t done, though, is think through how to respond, and so I stared at him stupidly silent for a minute. “What?”

“The Mysterious Mountain Man. The one Ransom was with, the one who has nearly brought our local economy crashing down. Was that you?”

I was saved by Rhody. “Oh Jesus Christ, Thackeray Boudreau, are you serious?” she said.

“I’m just saying. You’ve seen the pictures.”

“Of all the people in the world who might have an affair with a pop star, do you think Cave Mathis fits the bill? I mean this in the nicest way possible, but Cave is the most buttoned-down person I have ever met. He’s got a kid, for god’s sake. He’s the kind of guy who pays his bills a little early, who always makes sure his bike tires are the right pressure, who backs up his computer instead of waiting for it to crash. He won’t even date our guys, let alone some disease-ridden musician.”

I felt so guilty listening to her defend me. What if Toby started pushing the story that I’d brought Rhody to the mountains to be with me? Her defense of me would start to seem dishonest, a lie.

“Well and good,” said Thackeray. “I hope you’re right. Still, I believe I’ll share this theory with a few other people, for the safety of our businesses. It would be a shame if I were right, and Cave’s irresponsibility caused us to suffer.”

“I’m not--I don’t--” There was no way I could finish the sentence. I bit my lip and nodded. “Irresponsible. Okay. I’m headed home.”

I’d dropped Jojo at my mom’s so I could attend the meeting. I got on my bike and started riding to her house, the anger needle now firmly in furious territory. Pedaling hard, hitting the hills with as much strength as I could, until my lungs burned from the effort and my heart smacked against my ribcage.

The hell of it was that Thackeray was absolutely right. This was partially my fault. And I’d just sat there and encouraged everyone that the show must go on, neglecting to mention my role in the crisis, so that if they ever did find out, I was just going to look like the biggest liar in town.

It was messed up, the way you could be Mr. Honesty your entire life, only to have it all destroyed thanks to one little mistake.

Is that what this was? Was falling in love a mistake? If it wasn’t, then how had I gotten here? How had I reached a place in my life where I might lose everybody I counted on for support, the support I’d worked so hard to deserve?