Riley
The last two days had been a fog, a haze that I had to continuously push my way through. Losing track of time, or trying to understand that my mother really was gone had become part of the norm. I couldn't help but think it was my mind's way of coping with such a fucked up tragedy. The funeral was two days away, but the thought of standing over her casket left me empty, hallow, barren.
"Hey. I'm going to make myself some eggs. You want something?" Char stopped beside me as I sat at the kitchen table. Her soft grip on my shoulders felt good, like she were capable of infusing warmth into my cold soul with enough pressure.
"Sure. That would be nice." I glanced over my shoulder at her and offered a sad smile. "Thanks for taking off this week to be around me. I've needed it. Needed you."
I put my hands on hers and squeezed them softly.
"I'd do anything for you. You're like a sister to me." She leaned over and kissed the top of my head. Her long blond hair cascaded down around my shoulders and tickled my cheek. "Jace is going to be one of the pall bearers at the funeral. You're okay with that, right?"
"Yeah. I need to call Deza and Frank today and catch them up on everything. I think Deza has called twice a day since I left. I just keep letting it go to voicemail."
"And she'll totally understand that, Ri." Charlotte squeezed my shoulders once more and released me.
I stood up and walked into the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. "You want a cup?"
"Yeah. I had a message on my phone from Jeff yesterday." She sighed and shook her head. "I've told him twice that I really think we should see other people. He's just not getting the hint."
I was grateful for something normal to talk about for a minute and jumped on the conversation with a little too much vigor.
"So tell him to fuck off then."
She snorted. "It's not that easy. He's a good guy."
"So. He's not your guy." I put my hands on my hips as the coffee started to percolate next to me. The smell filled up my senses and offered me peace.
"That's true. I'll get a little more firm with him over it. I need to get Jace to answer my phone the next time he calls. That will scare him shitless. Jace has that deep, scary voice."
"Speaking of Jace." I glanced around. "Has he been here all week too? I've been in a haze of sorts."
"Yeah." She smiled as her cheeks colored pink. "He's not willing to leave your side unless he's working. He has to feel something for you, Riley. It makes no sense for him to be so protective and smothering you the way he is. He loves you. I just know it."
"We've been friends for a long time." I walked to the fridge and pulled out the creamer. Something about the idea of Jace loving me just felt natural, right? It wasn't exciting or a turn on at all. It was just a warm blanket around my heart. The idea of Ethan Lewis loving me left my pulse spiking, my knees weak, my girl parts purring. It was a whole different ballgame, but was that what I needed right now?
Excitement with the possibility of loss - again, or security with an old friend? Hell, I wasn't even sure if Jace was pushing toward us being more than the sex-buddies that we had been for years.
"They say the best relationships are those built on friendships." She pulled down two coffee mugs from the cabinet above her head and handed me one of the mugs. "Maybe you should consider letting down your defenses and giving him a chance."
"This coming from the woman that hated Jace Dillon since she met him." I took the cups and poured the coffee before working on mine to turn it into a dessert.
"He's grown on me. It's been like eight years, Riley. He's not as bad as he used to be."
"Right. He's worse." I took a tentative sip of my coffee and groaned. "Thank you."
She glanced up from working to crack an egg into the frying pan in front of her. "Thank you for what? You made the coffee."
"For going to the hospital to be with my mom, Char." I set my cup down as tears filled my eyes. "Did you get to see her before she died?"
She turned back to the stove as her shoulders tightened. "Yeah. But she didn't know it was me."
I moved up behind her and wrapped my arms around her shoulders, pressing my cheek to the back of her neck. "Did she say anything to you?"
"She just kept mumbling that she was sorry and that she loved me." She let out a soft sob and covered her face. "I wanted you there so fucking bad. Those were your words to hear, not mine."
I nodded and tightened my arms around her as my own tears flowed freely. "You think she meant them for me?"
"Yeah. I know she did." Charlotte wiped her eyes and turned, pulling me into a hug. "I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve any more loss in your life."
I clung to her and tried to get my breathing under control. "No one deserves this type of hurt."
"Agreed." She squeezed me and released. "Do you have something to wear to the funeral on Thursday?"
"I think so. I'll check later today." I wiped my eyes and walked over to grab my coffee as my phone started to ring. "I'm betting that's Frank or Deza. I should probably get it."
"Yeah. I'll work on breakfast. Go find out what they're up to and tell them how you are, but remember... you don't owe them or anyone else a goddamn thing. Keep whatever you want to yourself for only you." She glanced over her shoulder and gave me a stern look which didn't come off as well as she might have intended. Her face was blotchy and her eyes red-rimmed from crying.
I smiled. "I'll be fine. I'm a big girl."
She turned as I walked into the living room and picked up my phone. I waited until I was in my bedroom with the door shut to answer it.
"Deza? Sorry I haven't returned your calls. I've been a little out of it." I put my coffee down and sat down on the edge of my bed. The only light in the room filtered in from the windows and left me feeling calm, peaceful.
"Hi Riley. It's no problem at all. I just wanted you to know that we were thinking of you and praying for you. You've been heavy on our hearts." She cleared her throat. "It's funny how you just joined us, but we already feel your absence."
"Thank you for that." I took a sip of my coffee. "How is everyone? Is filming still going on? Did you get an understudy to take my place?"
"Whoa. One question at a time." She chuckled.
I smiled, unable to help myself. "How is everyone?"
"We're good, just missing you. We left super early this morning and are waiting for a connecting flight. It's going to be a long day, but hopefully everyone will head home for a few days when we get back in town. I know Ethan will be working in the studio on a few things this week, but that's just to keep us on schedule."
"Is he-"
"He's good. Don't worry about him. He's just concerned about you losing your mother. Would you mind giving me the information for the funeral? We're hoping to send flowers, and I know I'll be there to support you for sure. Frank should too."
I wanted to ask if Ethan would, but it was childish of me to do so. My only concern shouldn't be about Ethan showing up and holding me while I cried. I didn't live in a movie, though it was starting to feel like it some days.
"It's on Thursday at two p.m. at St. Mary's downtown." I brushed my hair back from my face. "Did you guys bring someone else in to help with the filming in Rio?"
"No. We're going to reschedule. We did a little more work with Ethan, but we'll be fine. We're not replacing you or bringing in anyone. It's your part, and since you aren't playing nearly as much as he is, we can work around you being off as long as you need to."
"I won't be off too long. I just need a week or so to get myself together. My exams are coming up at school and I need to pop in to rehearse a few times before the spring play for the drama department, but if you don't want me to still do that, I can-"
"No. I want you to do everything we discussed. I know getting this role means a lot to you, but you've been working on your degree for a long time. Finish it. I know that would help make you feel more stable. You've signed a contract with Eon, but remember... they signed one with you too. They can't replace you without due cause, and you've not given them anything near that. Take the time you need and we'll all be waiting for you with bated breath to return to us."
"That means so much to me." I stood up and set my coffee down on my dresser. "I know it's silly, but how is Ethan? I honestly expected him to call and check on me. He was so upset the night I left when you guys wouldn't let him come with me. I-"
There was no way I could finish the sentence. I needed him? I miss him? I want to hear his voice? All of those things were fairy tales living in the heart of a little girl that needed to grow up. Life wasn't made of glass slippers and dancing until midnight. It was hard and it fucking hurt most days of the week. Why get involved with someone that would never be the man I needed him to be. As unfair as I was being about it all, it was necessary. I had to protect myself. My brother was dead. My mother too. Who was next?
"He's doing good. His same moody self."
I was grateful that she took back over the conversation and saved me from letting my emotions run all over the place. I was hurting because of losing my mom, which opened me up to be more honest and straight forward about Ethan than was healthy.
"That's good." I pursed my lips and dropped back down on the side of my bed. "Did Frank tell you that he found us together the other night?"
"Yeah. He's not nearly as worried about the two of you spending time together, and where I think you would be the perfect woman in Ethan's life, this isn't his life we're talking about. It's your life and both of your careers. He's got some serious growing up to do, and if something were to happen between the two of you, something bad, where would we be?"
"I don't know." I pressed my face against my free hand and closed my eyes. "When I'm with him, I'm... lost."
"I get that. I promise. When I'm around Darren it's hard to breathe. Everything about the man turns me on. I can see our future together like someone painted the various scenes in an art gallery, but life isn't going to follow that path just because I yearn for it. We were good when we were good, but now... it's painful. I don't want that for you guys. It's not just your hearts that would be broken, Riley. It's your careers, and that's all the two of you have right now. You need to invest yourself fully in becoming the Riley Phillips. You know what I'm saying, right?"
"Yeah." I forced myself to sound more content than I was. "I understand completely, and I agree. I'll start focusing on the only constant in my life... my talent."
"There's my girl! I'll see you on Thursday. If you need anything at all, just call me. I'm here one hundred percent for you."
"Thanks, D." I hung up the phone and laid back on the bed. Was she there for me, or for my talent? Did I really care which? No. Having a friend in the midst of my loss was more important than mulling over why she was my friend in the first place.
And friends told the truth most of the time. Even when the shit hurt. Ethan was perfect for me... in another life, but not in this one. Time to try and pull back a little and reestablish the boundaries between us. I just hoped like hell I had the strength to do it. Something told me I didn't, nor would I ever.
"I mean really... he is the Ethan Lewis."