MY PHONE BUZZED in my hand at 12:05. I’d been reading an e-book after playing Santa for Ty. He would wake up to a stocking on his door and presents under the tree, and all the adults in the house would watch on and remember how magical Christmas once was. Christmas Day needed children in it.

I smiled and started typing a reply before deleting it and hitting the call button instead. I wanted to hear his voice.

“Hey,” he answered, the sound of a smile in his voice.

“Merry Christmas to you too.”

“I wanted to be the first one to say it to you.”

“You were. I’m glad you’re still up.” I nestled into my pillows, getting comfortable in the double bed I used to sleep in as a girl.

“Is that so?”

“I missed the sound of your voice. I was so busy today that I didn’t get time to call you.”

“That’s OK. I know you’re with family. Is Ty excited for the morning?”

“He is. He wanted to go to bed at four in the afternoon so Christmas would come faster.”

Jude chuckled. “He’s a funny kid. I actually bought him a gift. I hope that’s OK. I won’t give it to him if you don’t think it’s appropriate.”

“You did? Wow, he’ll love that. He told me that you’re his favourite grown-up. You’ve made quite the impression.”

“He has good taste,” he joked.

“My mum was asking after you.”

“You told her about me?”

“She said she could see it on my face.”

“She could see me on your face? That’s a talent.”

I laughed. “She knew I’d met someone because I seemed happy.”

“So, you’re saying that I make you happy?”

“Yes. You make me very happy.”

He didn’t respond with words, just a small sound of acknowledgement. I wondered if I’d perhaps overstepped the mark somehow. Nerves skittered about in my chest so I changed the topic to push the feeling aside.

“What are your plans tomorrow?”

He took a deep breath and I could hear his movement against his sheets. “I’m expected at my stepmum’s around eleven.”

“Do you have a big lunch planned?”

He made a noise that sounded something like huffing air from his nose. “Something like that.”

“Something is telling me that Christmas isn’t really your favourite time of year.”

A beat or two passed before he answered. “Let’s just say that I’d rather be spending a lazy Sunday in bed with you.”

“Give it about fifteen years and we’ll actually get the chance to do that,” I said with a laugh before catching myself. Talking that far into the future this early in a relationship was a big no-no. “I didn’t mean that you have to stay with me for fifteen years... It’s just now with Ty, I can’t lie in bed all day... I’m sorry, I’m not trying to pressure you.” I closed my eyes, my stomach tightening. I was terrible at this dating thing.

“You don’t want me to be with you in fifteen years?”

“Honestly, I struggle to imagine my life in fifteen years. I just know that I want you with me now and that whenever I do think about the future, I imagine you in it.”

“Me too,” he replied, his voice sounding far away. He fell quiet and I waited on the other end of the line, listening to that quiet and growing concerned that something wasn’t quite right.

“Is everything OK, Jude?” I asked when the conversation didn’t continue.

“I’m just not looking forward to tomorrow. I mean, today; later.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not particularly.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Just stay on the line with me. I’m lonely without you.”

“Me too. I miss you in my bed.”

“I miss your smell.”

I took a deep breath, my skin tingling as I imagined him beside me. “I miss your hands.”

“I miss your mouth.” His voice grew thick and husky.

“I miss your tongue.” I shifted slightly in bed, pressing my knees together.

“I miss your taste.”

“I miss wrapping my legs around you.”

He groaned, his breathing growing heavier. “I miss pushing inside you.”

I could feel the arousal pooling between my legs. “I miss you inside me.”

“I miss listening to your moans.”

I moaned a little, getting more turned on with each passing second.

“Yes. Just like that. Will you moan for me, Sarah? Touch yourself. Imagine it’s me.”

Biting my lip, I shifted to a better position in the bed. “You too. I want to hear what I do to you.”

A sound escaped his lips that was so erotic, I felt it between my legs. “You want to know what you do? You make me insanely hard, Sarah. I want you constantly.”

Releasing a tiny whimper, I slid my hand down my body, slipping it beneath the waistband of my panties. “It’s like silk, Jude.”

“Is your clit hard?”

Gliding my finger through my juices, I touched the firm and throbbing bump, making a humming sound as I whispered, “Yes.”

“Keep going. I want to hear you so I can pretend I’m with you.”

Closing my eyes, I focused on the sound of his breathing, imagining that it was his fingers doing things to me, sliding in and out, circling my clit, teasing my entrance. I could hear his moans on the other end of the line, knowing he was touching himself and imagining it was me. It pushed me over the edge, my moans getting louder as my climax drew nearer.

“Oh Jude,” I gasped, coming against my hand, my clit pulsing against my fingertips.

“Holy fuck. Sarah,” he moaned less than a second later.

Letting out my breath, I relaxed into my pillow, satisfied and loving the sound of him coming undone.

There was just one very important thing missing. “I miss lying in your arms, Jude.”

“I miss holding you,” he replied.

“I want you here. With me.”

“I want that too.”

“Would it be too much to ask you to come here? To the farm?”

“I can leave on Boxing Day. I’ll leave at first light.” He didn’t even hesitate. Happy Christmas to me.

Lying in bed the next morning, I could hear Ty awake, excited because Santa had come. He was running around the house waking all the grown-ups. I’d been his first port of call and while he woke everyone else, I took a moment to stare at my bracelet and remember the day I got it—the first Christmas I spent with Tyler. We’d only had two. The first was directly after a relapse when I realised he was sick. I hadn’t known what it was at the time, and he still hadn’t been willing to tell me. But we’d spent the day in bed, making love and promising ourselves to each other. The second was the month before he died, when he was too sick to get out of bed and too melancholy for any sort of gift exchange. I sat with him all day and we’d watched Christmas movies, pretending that everything was normal even though I had to help him eat. Our relationship had been far from perfect. It was fraught with ups and downs, filled with secrets and unshared truths. Despite all that was difficult, loving him had been easy. There wasn’t a single moment where I questioned the strength of feeling between us, not a single moment where I wanted to turn away.

Until recently, I hadn’t thought it would be possible to feel that sure about somebody again. But I knew that I was feeling it again now with Jude. It was different. I was different. I was older and had matured to the point where I wasn’t quite as desperate as I had been the last time. I didn’t feel as though I couldn’t breathe if he wasn’t around. My world didn’t just revolve around me and my desires anymore. But I still needed him, and better still, I wanted him. That was important to me. I felt that this thing with Jude was a choice; one I was glad to make. Wise to make.

I was sure about Jude. What was between us had developed quickly, but that didn’t make it any less. It was as if he had been perfectly designed for me then plopped down into the world, directly in my path so I was forced to find him. He entered my life when I needed him. He helped to heal my wounds. He made me realise that I was ready.

I was ready to fall in love again.

“Come on, Mummy!” Ty burst into my room, snapping me out of my musings. “Even Uncle Ha-we is up.”

With a smile, I touched my bracelet lovingly then got out of bed, sweeping my precious little golden boy up in my arms. “Well, if Uncle Harry is awake then I hope Grandma has the coffee on. He’s grumpy in the morning without it.” I made a grumpy face to mimic my brother.

Ty giggled and I bopped him on the nose.

“Ho, Ho, Ho,” a voice boomed from somewhere in the house.

Ty’s eyes lit up.

“Looks like Grandad is ready to play Santa. You want to see what’s inside your presents?”

With a grin wider than his face, he nodded.

“Then let’s go.”