I MANAGED TO hold it together until Ty went to bed; after that, I went into Tyler’s room and sat on the bed, tears flowing while I looked around at all his things put back in their rightful places. I cried because I missed him. I cried because the depth of my love for him was questioned. I cried because I felt stuck.

I didn’t want to keep feeling this way. I didn’t want to be so hollow and lonely in my heart anymore.

At some point during the whole feeling sorry for myself event, I must have cried myself to sleep, because I awoke to a dark room after a lucid dream, a memory of one of the last conversations I had with him.

---

“This world is going to be shit without you, Tyler.”

“Don’t talk like that, sweetheart,” he said slowly. “You have so long ahead of you, and you have to live it even better than before. You have to go out and have adventures and fall in love again and have kids so you can live forever.”

“I don’t want any of that without you, Tyler. I want to stay right here, and I want you to haunt me and live with me forever as a ghost.”

“Like that movie with Demi Moore?”

“Yes,” I said. “But you can’t go, you have to stay with me.”

“Only if you take up pottery and invite Whoopi Goldberg around so we can do it together,” he joked, and somehow, I laughed.

“How can you make a joke about this? You promised to always come back to me. You have to haunt me.”

“OK, sweetheart. I promise you that I’ll watch over you when I’m gone. But, you have to promise that you’ll go out in that world and live again. I don’t want you to mourn me forever.”

“I can’t make that promise,” I whispered.

“Then at least promise that you’ll try.”

---

I had promised. The first year was a total blank. During the first few months when I spent every day in the pits of despair, I found out I was pregnant. Part of me felt wretched, tormented that Tyler would never know his child. The other part was cheerlessly overjoyed that I would have a part of Tyler to cherish forever. And then Ty arrived, and my life was exhausting adapting to being a single mum, still grieving the man I had loved so desperately. Sitting up alone at night with a colicky baby on my shoulder was a powerful reminder of the void Tyler’s absence left. But as Ty grew, I began to have moments of sunshine while learning his expressions, listening to his gabbling, receiving his baby kisses. Life found a new rhythm, one I’d thought would sustain me for the rest of my days. And I’d been doing my best to keep on living like he’d asked. But I’d been living life as a shell of the woman I used to be, and the ache I felt without him was indescribable. I didn’t think there’d ever be a day in my life that I didn’t hurt from his loss. But I’d finally come to a point where I didn’t feel so raw, so sliced open and exposed. Maybe it was selfish of me to feel relieved and hopeful. But I liked it. I liked being able to think about Tyler and smile instead of cry. I liked being able to spend time with Jude, talking and touching. I liked feeling something.

Jude was nothing like Tyler. I couldn’t manage a connection with someone who reminded me of what I’d lost. But he was what I needed—wanted. And I hated that I’d been made to feel guilty about that. I hated that I was bullied back into this crying mess of a woman.

I needed to move on. I needed to make a change. I couldn’t keep living with a ghost, because the ghost wasn’t him, it was just my memories mixing with my pain, refusing to let go.

I needed to make a change.

Sitting up, I wiped my hands over my face then got back to work. I rebuilt all the boxes Susan had broken down and packed everything back inside, taking my time to say goodbye to every single piece. Then I stacked it all up next to the front door for Susan. She could have it all. But I kept a single box of random items I thought Ty might want as he got older.

When I was done, the sky was shifting from night to day. I sat in the empty room feeling so much lighter as the shadows shifted and brightened against the walls. When I heard Ty’s voice letting me know he was awake, I left the room, closing the door behind me and leaning up against it, a sense of relief washing over me. Now, it was just a room.

Susan was going to hate me, but Tyler would have been proud. He never cared about material things anyway, only moments and memories. I have that in his journal. His whole heart is written down in that book. It was something I’d never part with. That journal and my own personal memories were all I needed.

“You seem exhausted,” Janesa said when we sat in the café section of a kids play centre. I had been too tired to run after being up most of the night and asked her to meet me there instead.

“I am. I didn’t sleep much last night.”

“Any reason you need to talk about?”

The waiter brought over our coffees.

“I packed up Tyler’s room,” I told her when he left.

“Wow.” She sat back in her chair, the surprise evident on her face. I cut through the discomfort of the conversation by looking over to Ty who was sitting at the top of a slippery dip and rolling coloured balls down to Rosie who was squealing with delight as she tried to catch them.

“What made you decide to pack everything away?”

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. “It’s been five years. Five. Years.”

“I get it. And I think it’s a good thing.”

“So do I. Susan, on the other hand…”

“Didn’t go down so well?”

“Not at all. She thinks I’m trying to erase him so I can fit Jude into my life.”

“Is that what you’re doing?”

“How can you even ask that?” The annoyance I’d felt with Susan once again flared up. Why did I have to defend myself?

She held up her hands in a protective manner. “I’m just talking through it with you, Sarah. Personally, I’m excited about this. You’ve been a shadow of a woman for years. And lately, ever since you started mentioning Jude, you’ve started to...I don’t know, glow again. I’m seeing glimpses of your old self. And it’s good, really good. But you have to ask yourself, why now? Are things getting serious between you guys?”

Picking up a packet of raw sugar, I flipped it between my fingers. “Things are just starting. We’ve kissed and we’ve talked. A lot.”

“Kissed how? Like that peck you told me about, or proper tongue kissing?”

I laughed, blushing all of a sudden. “The latter.”

She grinned. “OK. This is good. It’s great, actually. You’re supposed to feel this way when a handsome British guy shows you some attention.”

“I really like him. I never thought I’d even be able to look at a guy again after Tyler. But Jude came along and...” I sighed, shaking my head a little. “Every day just feels a little easier. I used to wake up to the sound of my heart breaking when I remembered Tyler was gone. But lately, it’s still broken, it’s just that the pain isn’t there. Does that make sense?” She nodded. “And I see how packing up Tyler’s room and starting something with Jude coincide. And yes, they’re related. But I didn’t pack up Tyler’s things because I’m suddenly over him and want to make room for Jude. I did it because I want to stop feeling so damn sad all the time. Turning my apartment from a shrine into a home is part of me healing and learning to live again.”

Leaning forward, she rested her chin on her palm. “I think Tyler would be really proud of you. I never told you this before, but when we visited with him to say goodbye, you were all he talked about. He was so worried that you’d spend the rest of your life mourning him. He kept saying that he wanted to be the reason you smiled and he hated that he was making you sad. He wanted you to find love and happiness again. Even made us promise we’d make sure—not that anyone ever had a chance of making you do anything.” She laughed.

A smile spread across my face, hearing his words were both heart-wrenching and life affirming. “God, I miss that man. I’d do anything to get him back.”

“I know that. And I think you’ll find that Susan knows that too. Give her time, she’ll come around.”

“I hope so.”

When we arrived home, Jude was standing against our door.

“You blew me off last night,” he said once I was near. I had. I was supposed to call him when Ty had gone to bed so he could come down and have a late dinner with me, maybe watch a movie. But after my confrontation with Susan, I put my phone to silent and didn’t look at it again until the morning.

Ty got excited at the sight of him and squealed before running at him and jumping into his arms.

“Did you come to pway?” he asked as Jude lifted him off the ground.

“I came to talk to your mum, actually.”

Ty folded his arms. “That’s really bor-wing.”

“Maybe we can play after?”

“Do ya know how to play spat face?”

Jude chuckled. “I can’t say that I do.”

“I’ll show you. It’s fun.”

Agreeing, Jude put him down when I unlocked the door, then turned his attention to me.

“Give me a minute to set up a movie for him. Then we can talk.”

He nodded and waited patiently while I prepared some fruit for Ty to snack on and switched on Finding Nemo.

“I’m sorry,” I told him as soon as Ty was settled. “I know I should have called and I was going to as soon as I got home today. I just... A lot happened yesterday.”

He turned and indicated all the boxes by the door. “I can see that. Are you moving?”

“No. I packed up Tyler’s room.”

His brow quirked. “It wasn’t for my sake, I hope.”

“God, everyone keeps asking me that.” I lifted my hands, my head shaking. “No. It wasn’t for you. It was for me. For once in this whole horrible process I decided to do something that was just for me. Is that OK? Is it OK for me not to want to live with a shrine in my house anymore?”

Seeing how exasperated I was, he caught my hand and held it in his. “I’m sorry. That was really arrogant of me.”

I relaxed a little. “Yeah, it was.”

Giving my arm a gentle tug, he drew me toward him until I was close enough to place my hands on his chest. I could feel the rise and fall of his breathing. It comforted me, calmed me. “I was worried you’d changed your mind about us,” he said, his voice softening.

“Never.” I pressed a brief kiss against his lips—nothing too intense because there was a child around. “I backed out of last night because I was upset. My mother-in-law saw me packing everything away and lost it. She took over and unpacked it all then put it back where it was. She said some pretty nasty things, and questioned my love for Tyler. It really hurt.” I shrugged. “I was going to leave it all to keep the peace because I don’t want to fight with her when she’s been so good to Ty and me. But I realised I needed to pack his things away. I’m living in this apartment and there’s this room dedicated to someone who isn’t here to use it anymore. Tyler wouldn’t want that. He’d want me to turn it into a playroom for Ty with a climbing wall or a ball pit installed—something crazy and fun. So I sat up all night, sorted through his things, and packed them away. Susan is going to lose it. But at the end of the day, Tyler was my husband, we lived here in this apartment, and he left it all to me. I get to choose. Don’t you think?”

He used the forefinger of his free hand to push his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. “I think that you need to do whatever you feel is necessary in order to heal. No one, not even your mother-in-law, has the right to tell you what is right or wrong. I don’t want you to feel pressured in any way to speed up the process for my benefit or to slow it down for hers.”

I grinned. “That was the most politically correct response I’ve ever heard.”

He laughed. “It was. But it was the truth. Everyone grieves in his or her own way and time. And if you feel the need to pack his things away then that’s what you need. The least I can do is give you space to do that. But can I ask something of you?”

“Anything.”

“Next time we have plans and you can’t keep them for whatever reason, just text me to let me know. I get all these crazy scenarios of what might have happened to you swirling in my head.”

My heart swelled a little at his response. He had every right to be angry with me for ditching him last night, and he’d let his ire go to be supportive of my needs instead. How in the world did I get this lucky? He was a special kind of someone.

“I promise. And I’m sorry for worrying you, it won’t happen again.”

“Thank you.” He pressed a soft kiss to my lips then smiled. “So tell me what this spat face game is that Ty wants to play.”

I laughed. “It's Splat Face, and you’re going to be sorry you agreed to it. It involves whipped cream.”

“I think one of my patients might have mentioned it during a session. It’s that one that slaps you in the face, isn’t it?”

Covering my mouth to stifle my giggle, I nodded. “It is.”

“Why on earth did you buy that for him?” Despite his words, he was amused.

“I didn’t. Susan did. But it is fun.”

His mouth pulled up a little on one corner and he pretended to push his sleeves up even though he was wearing a T-shirt. “OK. Let’s get this done.”

So that’s how things went. We spent the afternoon playing board games with Ty, had dinner together, then curled up on the sofa and watched a movie. We made out a little as the night wore on and when it started to get late, he went home, leaving me with a grin plastered across my face. It was a direct contrast to how I’d felt a few weeks ago, when the quiet would press in, causing my loneliness to ache within my heart. Now I felt a sense of hope and a lightness in my heart that made me feel warm and look forward to feeling the multitude of emotions that falling for someone promised. The loneliness wasn’t there anymore, and I felt grateful to have Jude in my life.

And like a very wise man once suggested, I would live each moment as it came and take one day at a time.