AHEAD OF ME, Ty was skipping along beside Jude alternating between stories about what he did at Luna Park and questions about cats. I listened to the chatter, a smile on my face as I kept a couple of steps back.

I suppose I could have let Jude take Ty to the park on his own; it wasn’t that I didn’t trust him around my son. It was more that I was fiercely protective and if I was honest with myself, I wanted to get out of the apartment too. The ghosts there had felt more determined lately. They were hiding around every corner, constantly whispering in my ear, ‘alone, alone, alone’. They wanted me to drown in my grief. The problem was, I didn’t feel like drowning anymore. I wanted to feel that sunlight on my skin.

“What are you doing all the way back there?” Jude asked, the side of his mouth kicking up.

“Giving you both room to move.”

“Do you wan-ta wark Sophie, Mummy? It’s fun.” Ty ran the few steps backward to join me, pulling at my arm to urge me forward.

“Why not?” I said when Jude offered me the lead. The cat trotted ahead the same way that dogs do and I laughed. There was something so silly about a cat walking on a lead that I couldn’t stop smiling. “She’s a lot better at this than she was the last time we saw you out.”

Jude did that signature shrug of his. “I think she was just excited about being somewhere different. She knows where she’s going now, so she’s much calmer.”

“Will you be sad to give her back?”

“Not really. I mean, I like her, she’s great company. But I like waking up without a cat sitting on my chest staring at me. I also enjoy making dinner and not having to watch for a ninja cat that steals chicken and runs off with it. And speaking of ninjas, walking down the hallway has become a gauntlet of claws and teeth going for my ankles. I swear I aged a decade in this past week alone.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Sounds like she’s just bored.”

“I don’t see how she is. I literally spend half my time jiggling those fishing pole cat toys for her, and the other half is spent walking her around the neighbourhood. She’s the most pampered cat I’ve ever known. Now, Garfield, that was a cat—fat and lazy. All he wanted was food. I could handle that.”

“How much longer do you have her for?”

“Just until tomorrow. Cherie, my stepmum, comes back around four.”

“You hear that, Ty? You were lucky. Jude has to give Sophie back tomorrow.”

“Can we get a cat, Mummy?”

“That wouldn’t be very fair to the cat. Where would she go when we went on holiday?”

“To Nanny.”

“What about when Nanny comes too?”

“Then she could go to Granny and Grandpop’s on the farm. Or Jude could look after her. He’s ve-wy good with cats.” Ty scrubbed at an itch on his nose with a balled-up hand.

“He has an answer for everything,” I told Jude who was chuckling.

When we reached the park, Ty headed straight for the children’s equipment and started climbing and playing with some other kids. Jude and I sat and talked, the cat wandering back and forth while playing with blades of grass with her paws and trying to catch insects by pouncing on them. It was the most content I’d felt in a long time. We didn’t seem to run out of things to talk about. I spoke about growing up in the country and he spoke about growing up in another country all together. Each story seemed to flow into another and none of it felt like meaningless chit-chat designed to pass the time; it was real getting-to-know-you conversation. The kind of conversation that left you feeling a little fuller than you were before. The kind of conversation that made you smile when you recalled it.

Things continued like that for the rest of the afternoon, movingly seamlessly into the evening when Ty insisted that Jude share in his tinned spaghetti and hot dog dinner. Everything about the day was simple. It was comfortable. It was fun.

It wasn’t until after I put Ty to bed that I remembered the last time I’d had that kind of a day and the smile fell from my face. It was six years ago, sitting around a bonfire, leaning against Tyler’s warm chest looking at the stars.

I felt my heart clench in my chest, the sound in my ears, beat...beat. Beat. Silence.

“Are you all right?” Jude’s voice pulled me back from where I stood frozen just outside Ty’s door.

I sucked in a shaky breath. “I’m fine.”

He looked at me with a tight brow line, concern in his eyes. “Are you sure? You looked...lost.”

I am lost. I’m so lost that I’m panicking about being found. “I’m fine,” I lied. “I’m just tired.” I needed to be alone.

“I was actually about to head off.”

“OK.” My voice was this strange breathy whisper. I felt apart from myself, trapped somewhere between my past and present, my desires swirling together and turning into something that felt a lot like guilt. I wasn’t supposed to be having fun with another man. I wasn’t supposed to be having conversations that brought me closer to one either. I’d already been in love. I’d already experienced the love. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. I mean, I liked Jude. He was a wonderful man. But, was I? Could I be…falling…somehow? I stared at him in disbelief.

“Sarah?”

“Yes?” Had he been speaking to me?

“I’m worried about you.”

“Don’t be. I’m all right, I promise.” I’m not all right. I’m not all right.

He pressed his lips together, his eyes searching, sceptical. “Listen, I’m not very good at this.” He gestured between us. “My sister, she’s much younger than me; she says that I’m not very good at ‘peopling’. I’m awkward, I talk too much about the things I believe in, push my views on top of other people’s. I’m blunt, selfish and I don’t really know how to be around other people for long periods of time without getting in the way or taking over. On top of that, I don’t have the warmest personality out there.”

Seeing his distress, I realised he thought my mood change had been his fault. I didn’t want to hurt Jude. I didn’t want him to feel as though he’d been anything but perfect in almost all of our interactions.

Feeling the need to help, I let go of my own fears and placed my hand on his chest to stop his rambling. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Jude.” A warm thump, thump met my hand and I pulled it away quickly as if burned. “You didn’t...I...I like the way you are. Don’t apologise for being you.” After what had been going on in my head moments before, my words shocked me but at the same time, it felt good to say them.

I liked Jude. I told him that I liked him and the world didn’t fall out from underneath my feet. In fact, I felt good. I chanced saying it again. “I like you, Jude.”

A smile pulled at the corner of his lips. He stood a little straighter, his expression evening out. But it was still a little scrunched with confusion. He looked exactly how I felt—relieved but puzzled. “OK. So, I didn’t do…?” He shook his head, shrugged, then cleared his throat.

“You didn’t do anything to upset me, no. I was just stuck in my head a little. I’m sorry you felt that way.”

“It’s fine. I just… Well, I should still probably go. Thank you for today and for dinner. It was surprisingly good.”

I smiled as he shifted uncomfortably in front of me. “I’m pretty nifty with a can opener and some boiling water.”

He laughed, chancing a glance at my eyes. “I’d eat it again.”

“That could be arranged.”

“I’d like that.” The pause lasted a few moments, both of us caught, not sure what to do. I kind of wanted to ask him to stay, but at the same time, I still wanted some time to myself. I needed to sort through these new feelings.

Jude was the one who spoke first. “Well, I should go.” He thumbed over his shoulder.

“OK.” With a smile teasing the edges of my mouth, I walked him to the door. He was clasping his hands in front of him, walking ahead of me. I felt as though he wanted to say something more, but didn’t know if he should.

“Jude,” I said when he opened the door and stepped into the hall as if freedom beckoned and he was running to it.

“Yes, Sarah.” He turned around, his voice as soft as his gaze. It made my stomach twist a little.

“Don’t forget your cat.”

We both looked down, and Sophie was purring and curving her way around my feet.

An uneasy chuckle rumbled from his chest. “Of course.” Then he leaned down to pick her up, tucking her under his arm before he leaned in again and pressed a quick kiss against my cheek.

He pulled back as fast as he’d leaned in.

“I like spending time with you, Sarah,” he said. Then he turned and walked away with fast strides, leaving me standing there wide-eyed and a little shocked, my emotions flitting between glee and guilt, while the dormant butterflies in my stomach tried to unglue their wings and come back to life.

Beat, beat. Beat.