Chapter 28: “With pain comes strength.”

Kenny

––––––––

He stood there and let me hit him until I couldn’t feel my hands anymore. He took my pain as I released it with all of the bitterness and loss and anger I’d held for so many years. Then with a quiet apology, he left.

It was over.

I didn’t leave my bed for two days.

After all the years I’d spent alone, mourning, worrying about being true to Blake’s memory, I took my first steps and ran straight into the arms of his killer.

My throat tightened as the pain tried to tear me apart again. I was grieving for him. Right or wrong, I loved him. He was a killer, a murderer, and from the first night when he saved me on that beach to every day after when he saved me from my loneliness, I couldn’t live without him. We found each other; we fell in love. We were like pawns in some horrible, cosmic chess match, and we had no idea.

What kind of cruel joke would bring us together only to find out the horrible truth that would rip us apart? Oh, god. I clutched my knees tight to my chest. Closing my eyes, I still saw the devastated look on his face when Derek confronted him. It broke my heart.

But I had to fight. I couldn’t lie in this bed and cry another day. I had a job. I had a little boy... Ripping the blankets aside, I pulled open my door. Patrick was there on the couch in my living room, stopping me in my tracks.

“W-What are you doing here?”

He stood and walked groggily to me, pulling me into a hug. I fought against the fresh tears that threatened to return at his warmth. “You stayed with me when I thought I’d lost Elaine. Now I’m here for you.”

The tightness in my throat made it difficult to answer him. “Oh, Patrick. There’s no coming back from this.”

His hands smoothed my back, and for a moment we were quiet. Still, I couldn’t fall apart. I wouldn’t let myself.

“You’ve got to get home to our little boy,” I said. “Tell him I’ll be there for a visit soon—give me a day or two. I don’t want to cry in front of him.”

Patrick nodded, wiping my hair off my cheek. “Okay.” He hugged me again. “You’re going to make it through this. You will.”

I nodded, tucking my head against his shoulder. “I think I’ll go back and lie down for a bit first.”

“Your friend’s been over a couple times. She left you some food that smells delicious—tomato-stuffed cabbage?”

“You eat it, okay? I might throw up if I eat anything.”

His lips tightened and he nodded. “Get some rest.”

Heaviness pressed hard on my shoulders as I walked back to my bedroom. I had to get back to work. I had to keep moving forward. Life didn’t end because once again I made a wrong choice. No matter what, I had to survive this.

Picking up my robe, I staggered to the shower.

* * *

Mariska’s eyes flew wide when she saw me walk into the gym. “Kenny!” She ducked under the counter and ran to me, pulling me into a hug. “I rescheduled all your clients for today. You basically have the day off.”

My body was shell-shocked, but I shook my head. “I want to do something. Call somebody and tell them to come in.”

She stepped back, still holding my hands. “I’d love for you to train me. Tell me what you want to do. I’ll do whatever you want.”

“I don’t know. I only know I can’t...” The idea of stepping into that boxing room made my stomach lurch. “Please let... him know he can take over my old boxing routine.”

“Oh!” She blinked quickly. “You don’t know?”

As much as I hated it, my heart beat faster. “Know what?”

“He’s gone. He asked Rook to help him get on with the freighter crew. They pulled out last night headed across the Atlantic. Rook said they wouldn’t be back for months. If at all.” She chewed her lip, watching my face. “I’m so sorry, I should’ve told you sooner.”

“He left on the freighter?” Nothing made sense anymore. “But he can’t swim.”

“You could’ve knocked me over with a feather, too. Remember at my house? The coffee?”

But I was struggling with a different memory. Ripples of pain clutched my chest as images of our last night together filled my mind. I’d hit him with my fists, but I’d destroyed him with my words. He would never come back. Not after what I’d said.

What was wrong with me? He killed Blake! Where was my loyalty?

My voice was quiet. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Oh, Ken,” Mariska’s voice was broken. “How can you say that?”

“I’m going to the steam room.”

Walking away from her, I headed to the back. I’d never liked the steam room. It was dark and hot, and the steam made it difficult to breathe. I pulled the door open and went inside with all my clothes on. Sitting on the concrete bench, alone in the thick whiteness, I let the heavy, wet air flood my senses.

Inhaling a deep breath, I wondered how it didn’t drown me. I put my elbows on my knees, looking at my palms for a moment—at the little black heart clear as a bell in my hand. Then I put them flat against my eyes, trying with everything in me to hold on, to take one more breath, not to fall apart.

One more inhale of suspended water—please smother the pain in my chest. I fought against the sob trying to fold me in half.

No matter what I told myself, it wasn’t going to work. I’d never forget him. Still, I had to learn to live without him. Just like before, I didn’t have a choice.