I struggle to breathe, and terror causes me to flinch. Oh my God, what did I do? I told him. I told Jesse he hits her.
My stomach lurches, a cold sweat breaks out along my body and dizziness hits my head so quickly I stumble. Oh God, I told someone. I told him and then he’ll tell someone else and that someone will tell two more people and people will continue to talk until it reaches Dad.
Heat blasts through my body, and I convulse with a dry heave. My head becomes light as my body becomes heavy, and as I drop to my knees, strong arms wind around me and help lower me to the ground. Jesse’s chest presses against my back. He holds me up as I dry heave, and I don’t have the energy to keep from planting face-first into the ground.
Tears stream down my cheeks, the entire world shudders and I hear whispering in my ear. Soft words with lips close to my skin. “It’s okay. I promise it’s okay.”
My head shakes violently back and forth. So violently that I lose my ability to suck in air. It won’t be okay. Nothing will be okay ever again.
“Shhhh.” Jesse holds me closer and soothingly rocks us as he gently gathers my hair and raises it off the back of my neck. Cooler air hits my heated skin and it’s welcome. “Deep breaths. Take deep breaths, Scarlett.”
I try, but a strange sound leaves my mouth and it frightens me. I can’t breathe. Something is strangling me. I can’t breathe!
“Do it with me,” Jesse says in such a calm tone, a commanding tone, and I will myself to listen. “Come on, do it with me. Breathe in.” And he does, his chest moving in. “Then out.” His long breath glides along my cheek, and I’m able to release a short breath.
He continues in the same reassuring voice, holds me with the same courageous strength, and slowly my inhales and exhales become longer, become more solid. The heat leaves my body, a strange calmness settles into my soul, and all the loud and angry voices in my head go silent. A wind blows through the trees, and I shiver as I’m left a clammy mess.
Jesse shifts slowly as if giving me room to bolt, but I don’t. I move with him as he sits on the ground and gathers me onto his lap. He encourages me as I rest my head in the crook of his neck, and he rubs my arms to help ease my prickling skin.
I close my eyes and focus on the steady movement of his chest. In and then out. Slow and strong. I need this, I need him, and I’m terrified he’ll let go.
“I’m sorry I went out with him,” I whisper.
Jesse sighs heavily. “Don’t be. I’m sorry I was angry. I didn’t have the right.”
“You were right. I was testing you. I—”
“Stop it. I was being a stupid, jealous ass and that’s not a reason to be angry nor should I have taken it out on you.”
Stunned, I blink at his words. “Why were you jealous?”
His shoulders move up then down. “I can’t say I understand much going on between us, but I’ll ask you this—how would you feel if I went on a date with another girl?”
I stiffen, and he lightly chuckles, no doubt sensing my change. “Don’t worry. I don’t understand it either.”
I cuddle closer to him and breathe in his familiar scent. I don’t want to think about him with other girls or me with other boys or even try to wonder why the idea bothers either of us. We can hardly handle being friends. What happens if we wander into the category of more?
Our silence stretches, but it’s not awkward or weird, but comforting. My thoughts are lazy, jumping from one place to another, and then I think of the night he promised that if I did venture out that he would show me something special. Something that could . . .
“Can you make me better?” I whisper. “You said there was something you could show me that makes you better when things are hard.”
Jesse lightly traces his fingers along the skin of my arm, and I tremble again. Not from cold, but from the alien and desirable sensations his touch creates. He presses his cheek against the top of my head, and I wish I had kept my mouth shut, as I love this bubble we’ve created.
“I can’t make anyone better,” he says. “But I can show you what helps me.”
I lift my head and look into his eyes. He’s serious. Very serious. His red hair covers his forehead, and I sweep it away. But before letting my hand drop, I take a risk by allowing my fingertips to touch his face. His eyes darken and my heartbeat quickens. “Will you take me?”
He nods and offers me a hand to help as I push off of the ground.