I am the master of microwave spaghetti, and today I’m going fancy and I bought a loaf of Italian bread. Jesse had a long day meeting with the parole committee, exhausting, I’m sure, and I want to do something special for him. Dinner, TV and holding him tight.
I’ve been in the apartment for a few weeks, and so far, so good. Money is tight, the balancing act between school and work a bit tighter, but I’ve survived and for that I’m proud.
A knock on the door, and I cross the room. I smile at the Louisville Slugger Leo bought me as a housewarming gift that leans next to the door. He had a twinkle in his eye as he told me it was my home security system. Sort of freaked me out, but it was honest.
I check the peephole, and my heart happily flips when I spot Jesse with a bouquet of flowers. Appears I wasn’t the only one who planned on making tonight special. I undo the two security locks, the lock on the knob and then open the door. Jesse flashes his pirate smile as he walks in and offers me the bouquet of mixed wildflowers. I absolutely melt.
I raise onto my toes, and Jesse gives me one of his fantastic slow kisses. I heat up fast, and so does the kiss. Hands in hair, caresses along curves of backs, both of us pressing our bodies together in glorious ways.
We’re alone, in a room, where there’s a bed and not much else. My blood pounds in my veins. If I don’t break this off now, we’ll never eat dinner. “I should put these into water.”
My cheeks are hot from kissing, and there’s shy embarrassment at how my voice comes out shaky. Vase-less, I decide upon a plastic cup I saved from a fast food restaurant, fill it with water and then stand at the counter as I arrange the bouquet.
Jesse cocks a hip against the counter and watches me as if I’m performing the most interesting act in the world. I’d like to offer him a place to sit, but other than the floor, there’s the bed, and if we plan on eating dinner, we better not start there.
“How did today go?” I ask, and Jesse tells me. I listen as I finish with the flowers, finish making our dinner and then place it on the picnic blanket on the floor. Jesse continues to talk as he cuts up the loaf of bread and butters a few pieces.
Last night, he had read to me what he was going to say to the parole board and each word tore me apart. As he finishes telling me how he had the courage to read those words to strangers and still be standing tall, I hug him close.
“I’m proud of you,” I say. “I bet your mom and Suzanne would be, too.”
Jesse squeezes me, then draws back. “Marshall said he’d be shocked if my dad is granted parole. He said I did a good job, plus my father hasn’t served long enough for the crime he committed.”
“That’s good.” Because it is. It’s what Jesse needs.
We sit on the floor, and Jesse switches up the subject by asking me about work, and I let him. Jesse and I aren’t used to sharing the darkest and scariest places of ourselves with anyone. Sharing can be raw and consuming, and understanding that, we’re very patient of any steps forward, then of the retreat.
Jesse and I gorge ourselves with bread and use it to sop up any remaining spaghetti sauce. We chat, we laugh, we enjoy each other and soon we’re kissing. We’re kissing long, we’re kissing deep, and Jesse takes my breath away when he lays us down on the blanket and rolls me underneath him.
I love this feeling. The heavy weight of his body over mine. The safe, protective sensation as he caresses my cheek, the tingles of my skin as he feathers kisses down my neck and the warm, melting tickle in my blood at how we fit perfectly together.
There’s nothing rushed. Each and every touch, brush of fingertips and kiss is memorized and fully explored. A reverence for each other as if this is a gift, as if we are a gift, as if each second is to be savored.
Soon my head starts to spin, a wonderful and beautiful thrill sprints through me, and then I break away, gasping for air, and Jesse, ever-so-patient Jesse, kisses the side of my neck and rolls onto his side facing me.
He slides a finger along my hot cheek and looks down at me with such love and devotion that my heart’s a cup that’s running over. “I have something for you.”
“You already bought me flowers.”
“Yeah, but this will last longer than flowers.”
Jesse pushes himself off the floor, walks out into the cold evening and quickly returns, shutting out the darkness and the winter wind. He has a large rolled-up poster held in place by rubber bands. He slips the bands off, unrolls the paper and in front of me is a map of the United States with little stickered stars of varying colors across the map. “I brought you a map for your wall.”
Seeing how bare my walls are, this is absolutely . . . “Perfect.”
“Where do you want it?” he asks.
I do a slow spin of my studio apartment and then skip over to my bed. I plop down on it and touch the wall next to me. “Here.”
It takes longer for me to dig the tape out of my Tupperware box of miscellaneous things than it does for Jesse to tape the map in place on my wall.
Once he’s done, he tosses the tape back into my box then joins me on my bed, climbing behind me. I settle between his legs, he holds me close and I snuggle contently in his arms. Jesse rests his head against mine, and I get lost in his deep voice as he tells me the places he’s marked and what he hopes to find there someday. He describes wonders that if they are even half as beautiful as he says, to experience them would be life-altering.
“I’ve thought long and hard about this, and I’ve decided to visit these places.”
A wave of shock rumbles through me, and I sit up in order to look straight at him. “Does this mean you’re selling your land?”
Jesse twirls a lock of my hair around his finger then lets it unwind. “I don’t know. Marshall and I have talked a lot, and he’s told me that he’s going to leave the decision of what to do with my land up to me.”
Happiness swirls though me as this is the news Jesse has been waiting for, but then I pause at the confusion in his eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“I love my land,” Jesse says. “But how do I know if I truly want my land until I experience what else is out there?”
My mouth tips up. “You’re planning an adventure.”
He nods, but he doesn’t look as excited as I thought he would. “Marshall’s going to sell a handful of acres in the southern property. It’s too wooded for me to clear without heavy equipment. The money we’ll get is going to be enough for me to purchase a truck that can withstand some miles, and if I’m smart, the money will also be enough to get me to each of those stars on your map.”
“This sounds great so why do you look unhappy?”
Jesse glances down and my stomach sinks when he looks back up at me. “I’m leaving next week.”
I twitch as I grow cold. “You’re what?”
“Leaving next week.”
I open my mouth to speak, but it’s difficult to make words come out. “You . . . you can’t. We have school.”
“You have school. Preparing for Gran’s death, I completed most of my courses this past summer. I picked up the straggling few credits this fall. They gave me my diploma during the last week of school.”
My forehead furrows as I try to force sanity into the situation. “So you’re leaving?”
“I’m not leaving you.” He goes to touch me, but I draw back. My heart hurts, my soul hurts, everything hurts and I’m done with hurt. Because of my dad, I’ve been ingrained with hurt. And things were starting to be good.
“I’m leaving for however long it takes me to figure myself out.”
“So, what?” Tears burn my eyes. “I sit here and wait for you to return?”
“I don’t expect you to sit and wait on anything. In fact, I expect you to keep being the force of nature that you are.”
I suck in my lower lip as it begins to tremble. “It feels like you’re leaving me.”
“I’m not. I love you.”
I have to take several deep breaths to fight off the rejection yet I lose the battle.
“Do you remember when you first started talking emancipation, and I asked you to move in with me?” Jesse asks.
A bit of anger joins the sadness because I have an idea where this is headed, and I don’t like my words being used against me. “I remember.”
I told him that I needed to prove to myself, to my mom and sister that I could leave and succeed on my own. What sucks is that when I rejected his offer, Jesse didn’t bat an eyelash. Unlike me now, on the verge of becoming a crying mess.
“You told me that you need to live on your own, and I understand that,” Jesse says. “My entire life, I’ve been scared of anything beyond my land. I need to prove to myself that I can leave and that I’m not my mom. I need to know that if I choose my land it isn’t because I’m scared, but because my land is where I truly need to be. I understand that you need to do this on your own, and I hope you understand, that I need to leave.”
But he’s leaving, and I hate that and I hate him because every word he’s said makes complete sense. My eyesight becomes blurry. “Wait for this summer and let me go with you.”
Jesse tries to tuck my hair behind my ear, and I reject his touch again. “Is that what you want, Scarlett? To give up what you’re building on your own—your job with Glory, this apartment, your hope of college, your independence—to travel with me?”
Everything in my chest twists and knots. One month. That’s how long my mother lasted without my father. That was her limit on being alone.
Alone.
My eyes close with the dull spasm in my heart, and when I open them again I have to blink away the wetness. Jesse reaches out to cup my face again, and this time, I let him. I lean into his warm palm and a traitorous tear escapes from the corner of my eyes. His thumb is heartbreakingly gentle as he wipes it away.
“Truth is, I’ll wait until this summer if that’s what you want,” Jesse says. “I don’t want to be without you, but I’ve defined myself by the curse and this land my entire life. I don’t know who I am without it, and I need to leave and figure that out. I don’t want to be without you, and I don’t want to leave you alone, but I need to decide by May if I’m keeping or selling this land. I’m losing money on the farm with how it’s being managed now. I need to grow up and make big decisions, and I’d like to know who I am first before I make them.”
“You’d wait and let me come if I pressed, wouldn’t you?” I ask.
He sadly nods.
“But you need to go now and . . .” I trail off because the pain slashing through me causes me to wince, but I understand what he needs because I need it, too. “You need to be alone.”
“Yes. I also hope you’ll understand that I don’t want to shut you out, but I do want to take some time before I call. I’m scared the moment I hear your voice, I’ll run home. I also need to know that the choices I end up making are my choices and my choices alone.”
Just like the emancipation and living alone in this apartment were my choice.
“For us to have forever,” he continues, “I need to know who I am first. Staying here without that knowledge isn’t fair to me or you.”
“I’m scared.” The truth is so raw, so exposing that I feel as if I’m standing stark naked in a snowstorm. I shiver, and he rubs his hands up and down my arms.
“Of what?” he asks.
My stomach clenches, but I need to be honest with Jesse and myself. “Of being alone.”
I almost wish I could take back the words, but he doesn’t want me to hide what I feel, and I no longer want to be the girl who buries her emotions.
“What’s your worst fear?” he asks.
I close my eyes as my throat swells shut. I’m terrified if I’m alone I’ll return home. That I’ll believe that living in fear of my father is better than living alone with my own thoughts. “I’m terrified I’m not strong enough.”
“You are the strongest person I know. If I thought for one second you couldn’t do this, I wouldn’t leave. You’ve made me realize that if I’m going to be worthy of you that I have to be just as brave as you are. You inspire me, and I hope to God you’ll understand that I’m doing this for me and for you. I’m doing this for us.”
For us. The words are so soothing yet create an enormous anguish. He loves me and he’s leaving, and I love him and I need to let him go. “I understand.”
Jesse releases a long breath and lowers his forehead to mine. “I love you, Scarlett. We’ve been connected for as long as I can remember, and I want more than a connection. I want us to make it to forever.”
Me, too. I press my lips to his and the taste is salty from tears. “You’re leaving next week?”
“Yes,” he confirms.
Then I have a few more days with him that I’m going to live to the fullest.
Subject: You didn’t say anything about email
From: Scarlett
To: Jesse
Jesse,
Yes, this is a loophole in the no communication agreement, but I figure the odds of you checking your email is zero. I mean, besides for schoolwork and business, who uses email anymore?
It’s been three weeks, and overall, I’ve been doing okay, but tonight, I’m lonely. A snowstorm has blown in. School has been cancelled for two days, and the storm has shut down practically everything else. Two days. Two days of staring at the four walls of my apartment and only myself for company. I’ll be honest, I’m starting to feel a little insane.
It’s weird that you sold some of the land. I went by the other day, and they’ve taken down some of the trees. I understand why you sold it, and I’m glad you did so you can take this trip, but it’s still bizarre to know that a small parcel of your land belongs to someone else.
I’ve been getting your postcards from the places you’ve been visiting. Won’t lie, they have been the highlight of my life. Just to see your handwriting puts a smile on my face. I’ve started taping the postcards on my wall. It’s my own personal countdown. The more I receive, the closer you’ll be to returning to me.
I know I was a bit stubborn about taking your old truck, but I do appreciate it. The car insurance is going to be more than I expected. Glory agreed with your assessment that the truck isn’t worth much, but it means the world to me and someday I will repay you. Glory and Marshall have been teaching me to drive. Only a few more months until I graduate to an actual license.
Leo, Nazareth and V still hang out with me. I thought they put up with me because of you. I need to start shifting my mindset from negative to positive. After seventeen years of being like this, I wonder how long it will take to switch speeds.
I miss you so much it hurts, but don’t you dare think of coming home. Keep going. When you come back, I want it to be forever, as well.
I love you,
Scarlett
* * *
Subject: Thank You!!
From: Scarlett
To: Jesse
Jesse,
I received the red roses, and I LOVE them! And YES! I will definitely check on your home and your land. I have a hard time believing checking in on the land is as much work as you say it is, but it’ll give me a good excuse to walk your property.
Not that I want to discourage this, but sending me flowers because I sent you an email is setting up a dangerous precedent. F04A
I love you,
Tink
* * *
Subject: I noticed the Tink
From: Jesse
To: Scarlett
Seeing you sign your email with Tink made me smile. Weird to admit, but I laid in bed last night and stared at Tink for a while.
Texas is huge. I put my feet in the Gulf of Mexico today. It made me think of how when we were kids, we used to talk about playing in the Pacific Ocean. I miss you, too. Every second of every day.
I’ve attached a list of things that need to be looked after on the land. Marshall has enough on his plate and doesn’t need to be heading out there every couple of days. If you can do this for me, I’ll consider it payment for the truck. Let Marshall know if there is anything that needs to be taken care of.
You know how much this lands means to me, Tink, and there isn’t anyone else I trust it with other than you.
I love you more,
Jesse
* * *
Subject: Rough Night
From: Jesse
To: Scarlett
Scarlett,
I know I’m breaking my own rules, but I’ve convinced myself that email doesn’t count.
Tonight’s been rough. I fell asleep, dreamed of Mom and how I couldn’t save her and then my mom turned into you. I woke up in a cold sweat, terrified that it was some type of omen that something happened to you.
Please let me know you’re okay.
I love you,
Jesse
* * *
Subject: I’m okay and you have kittens!!!
From: Scarlett
To: Jesse
One of the barn cats you saved years ago had kittens! They are so freaking adorable I can hardly stand it. Don’t worry, I brought the mom and kittens to my apartment. This is totally to help them and not because I’m lonely. F04A Don’t judge.
Camila is talking to me again. She stopped by today and we cried for a few hours. I told her everything that happened between me and Dad. We’re friends again, and I hope it stays that way.
Wish me luck. I’m going to read palms at the next vendor fair. We’ll be offering my services at half the price of Glory’s, and she’s going to sit in on them to make sure I don’t screw up. I still don’t believe I have an “ability,” but it is weird how there are things you can learn about people by staring at their palm.
V let me read her palm, and we had a long talk. I know her secret now, how much physical pain she’s in and what you’ve done to help her through the years. V misses you. So do Leo and Nazareth.
By the way, V’s claimed a kitten.
The “Oklahoma is OK” shirt made me laugh.
Guess who received A’s and B’s on her report card while working a full time job? This girl!!!!
The mean world who said I’d fail: 0
Scarlett, the girl determined to prove she can do it: 1
F04A
Stay safe and I love you,
Scarlett