10
Emily
I woke up feeling completely unrested and miserable. When I walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, I wanted to start crying all over again. My eyes were puffy, and I looked like I hadn’t slept in a week. I’d heard Martin come to bed around twelve thirty. I felt him lean over and give me a kiss on the cheek. He said good night and rolled over. I pretended to be asleep. He kissed me on the cheek. What were we, ninety years old?
When I walked out of the bathroom, I saw that Martin was starting to get up. He looked at me worriedly. “You know, you shouldn’t cry before you go to bed, Emily. Look at how puffy your eyes are. You should probably put a cold compress on your face. You’d hate to go to class looking like that. It’ll make it appear as if something is wrong.”
Was he kidding me? God, I felt like I wanted to smash him in the face! “For your information, Martin, something is wrong. I am extremely unhappy, and you don’t seem to care.”
He walked towards me, but not close enough to touch me. “Of course I care. You’re just overreacting. I double-checked the calendar last night, and it appears you should be ovulating right now. I’m sure that is the crux of your problem. Don’t worry, you’ll feel better once the ovulation has passed,” he assured me like the unemotional blob he was.
I wanted to scream at him, but that never worked. The louder I spoke, the more he programmed himself to tune me out. “This has nothing to do with ovulation,” I said as calmly as I could muster. “I am unhappy. Law school overwhelms me. I am exhausted and having a difficult time getting all of the work done. I am unhappy about Sara having a baby. You know how hard it has been for me to deal with that situation. Even more importantly, I am unhappy with you.” There, I said it. Calmly and decisively.
He paused a moment before he spoke. “Relax, and take a deep breath. There is no reason to get hysterical. You’ll get used to Sara having a child in time. Even though her pregnancy was careless, there is a baby to consider now. Your nephew. And you will grow to accept the situation and the baby. You really don’t have a choice in the matter, do you? Secondly, you are a brilliant young woman, and I know you will excel in all your courses this semester. You haven’t been sleeping well lately, and that’s causing those sensations of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Don’t worry; I’m confident that will pass as well. And lastly, I know you aren’t unhappy with me. We have a solid relationship. One day we will get married and have children. We are a very fortunate couple. We have an active and fulfilling sex life and a solid friendship. Who could ask for a better arrangement?”
I knew I’d better count to three—no, maybe ten, or else I was going to strangle him with the tie on my robe. How did I ever think I could be happy with this pompous ass? “Arrangement? I’m an arrangement? You are so delusional. We do not have a solid friendship. Friends listen to their friends’ problems. You dismiss any problems I ever have as being hormonal or irrational. I’m not sure you even know who I really am. I really needed a friend to talk to last night. Not because I was ovulating but because I had a hard day and wanted—no, I needed you to be there for me. You weren’t. You never are. I feel like the past three years of our relationship have been a facade. And as far as our sex life goes, it is not active or fulfilling. For the record, I have never had an orgasm during sex with you. If I need an orgasm, I use my vibrator when you’re not around.”
He looked at me completely dumbfounded. I knew he didn’t believe me. He was that conceited.
“Don’t look surprised,” I went on. “Yes, I have a vibrator. It’s in my underwear drawer. Would you like to see it?” I didn’t give him a chance to reply. I walked over to the drawer and pulled it out and walked towards him. I held it up so he was eye level to it. “Guess what, Marty? It works like a charm every time. Thank God something does. For your information, I find our sex life boring as hell. Believe it or not, people have sex in places other than the bed. They also have it spontaneously. It shouldn’t be written on the damn calendar. I keep hoping things will change, but they don’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore.”
Martin folded his hands together the way a father would when he was trying to figure out the best way to scold his irrational child. “I find it hard to believe that apparatus could be more satisfying then being with me. I’m actually surprised you own one of those things. It’s a little tacky, don’t you think? We can discuss that ‘thing’ later, because I don’t have time for that now. You need to stop overreacting, Emily. You don’t know what you’re saying. Things are great between us. You’re just tired. We’re both busy now, but that will pass. You’ll see. Things are going to be just fine.” His calmness couldn’t have been any more irritating. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt like hitting someone as much as I wanted to hit him just then.
“I don’t want fine anymore, Martin, and I don’t want this. I’m moving out.” I walked to my dresser and started to change into clothes for the day. I could see his face in the mirror in front of me. It was expressionless. I knew he didn’t believe me.
Finally he spoke. “Don’t be hasty, Emily. This is not what you want.” Oh, now he was a fucking mind reader?
“How the hell would you know what I want? When was the last time we discussed anything meaningful?” I couldn’t help shouting at him now.
“Every Sunday we reconnect. That is more than most couples,” he rationalized. Now he was a relationship expert?
I didn’t have the strength to argue with him anymore. He would never understand. When I’d woken up, I’d known I was miserable, but I hadn’t planned to move out. Now it felt like the only option. “I will be moving out after school today. I’ll continue to pay my share of the rent until the lease is up. Then you’re on your own.”
Martin walked over to me. He put his hand on my shoulder, and I turned to look at him. Just once I would have loved to hear him yell or argue or show any kind of emotion. But I knew that was never going to happen. “You are not moving out. We love each other. This too shall pass.”
I started laughing. Was he for real? “This too shall pass? Did you really just say that? I tell you I’m breaking up with you and moving out, and that is the best you can come up with? Oh my God, I can’t believe I stayed this long.”
I pushed his hand off my shoulder, grabbed a sweater, and left the bedroom. I grabbed my laptop from the kitchen table and my book bag and left the apartment without another word. I ran down to the street as fast as my feet could take me.
Holy crap, what have I done? I thought. I’d done something spontaneous and impetuous. That was so not like me. But I’d done it. I’d finally gotten the nerve to leave him. I’d never felt freer in my entire life.