I’m standing next to the fireplace staring at pictures of me, Natasha and the girls. I can hear Darcy’s voice echoing from the dining room followed by Adrianna’s high-pitched laughs. I’m tempted to join them, but can’t be bothered. It’s quite nice having time on my own. My eyes pause on a picture of Natasha holding the twins. I’m finding it hard to believe what she said earlier, that if anything were to happen to her, Adrianna would look after them. It validates what I’ve been thinking for a while, though, that Natasha’s not telling me the cancer has come back. A cold shiver runs down my spine at the thought of losing her. I shake my head. No, I can’t even go there.
Reaching down, I pick up the gilt-edged picture frame and bring it closer towards me. I smile into the eyes of my little family, a family that I should be able to look after and protect. But how can I protect Natasha? I can’t. And if the worst were to happen, it hurts knowing that she doesn’t think I’m capable of bringing the girls up by myself.
Hearing a creak from behind, I turn. Natasha is peering round the door.
“I think Iris-Mae may have…” She smiles and then holds her nose.
“So I guess you want me to change her?”
She nods. “Yeah, I’ll go and fetch her.”
I place the photo frame back amongst the others and look at my hands, which I’m rubbing together. Do I make enough effort? I don’t know how I’d cope if I were to really bond with Iris-Mae and Harper and then lose them. But should I lie down without a fight and let Adrianna walk all over me, or step up and prove I can be a dad, and a bloody good one at that?
Natasha waltzes back into the lounge and passes Iris-Mae to me. She bends down and slides the changing mat from under the coffee table. I lie her down and unfasten her vest. Natasha kneels at my side, and throws me a nappy and a packet of wipes.
She edges closer and squeezes my knee.
“I do love you, you know.”
“I know. I love you, too.”
“I don’t know what’s up, we just feel so distant.”
“Guess the twins and your sister living with us may have something to do with it.”
Getting up off her knees, she smiles.
“Maybe we’ll get a chance to talk later. Harper’s due her bottle. When you’ve changed Iris-Mae, why not come and join us?”
“Yeah, I probably will.”
My eyes follow her as she walks out of the lounge, but Iris-Mae’s gurgles soon steal my attention. I’m changing her nappy, tickling her tummy and making the most ridiculous faces at her. Thank God no one can see me.
“What about the cream?” Adrianna bellows.
I turn briefly as she walks into the lounge. She points her finger towards a changing bag, partially hidden at the side of the settee. I look back to Iris-Mae, who’s looking up at me.
“Can’t you see she’s sore?” Adrianna’s voice makes its way over my shoulder, her unwanted advice ringing in my ears.
About to reply, I take a breath, but before I have the chance to speak, she storms over, kneels down at my side and snatches a clean nappy off the carpet, clasping it under her arm.
“Well?”
I glance up, and seeing her eyebrows raise, I frown.
“Well what?” I mutter under my breath, trying to hold onto my temper, which is beginning to wear pretty thin.
“Well,” she repeats in a harsh tone and quite a bit louder, “how about you move over and make way for someone who knows what they’re doing?”
I’m pushed aside as she leans in front of me. She grabs both ends of the changing mat and turns it towards her. My teeth are clamped together like a vice. I don’t know how I’m controlling myself or holding it together. I only have to pick up one of the twins, whether it’s to feed, change or just comfort them, and she just seems to appear out of nowhere and follow me round like a shadow. Yeah, I’m not the world’s greatest dad, I know that, and yes, I’ve made mistakes, like the disaster with the steriliser, but I’m trying.
I watch Adrianna unzip the main compartment of the changing bag and search for the tub of cream. She lifts Iris-Mae’s legs and turns to look at me as she applies it, her wide-eyed expression trying to make a point.
“Here, baby number two for you to change,” Natasha says as she re-enters the lounge.
“I think you’re asking the wrong person,” I snap, getting to my feet.
“Gabriel, what’s wrong?”
“Well, why give me either baby to change when your sister always waltzes in here and takes over?”
Adrianna tries to defend her actions. “I was only trying to help. She’s sore. She needs cream on her bottom.”
“Gabriel, she’s only trying to help,” Natasha echoes.
“Help? I don’t need help to change my daughter’s nappy.”
Natasha is oblivious to what’s going on. She totally misses the way Adrianna is around me, with her sly looks and derogatory comments, and now, if I go to pick up either one of the twins, she has to make damn sure she beats me to it.
I pick up the dirty nappy, fold it and throw it towards the bin. Ironically, it misses. For the good I’m doing around this place, I may as well be invisible. With Adrianna playing the part of dad, is there really any point in me sticking round? Hit by a sudden pang of realisation, I drop my head and shake it.
“No, Gabriel,” I mutter to myself, “there really isn’t any point.”
“What did you say?”
“Nothing, Natasha. I’m popping down the pub for an hour. It’s a nice afternoon, so I’ll take one of the girls with me.”
“A pub?” Adrianna snorts. “Great place for a baby.”
“I’m not planning on sitting inside. I’ll take my drink into the beer garden. Might even grab a bite to eat.”
“So you’re taking a newborn into a beer garden that’ll be overrun by smokers?”
Natasha looks towards Adrianna and frowns. I think she’s about to say something, but I don’t give her the chance.
“I’m off out. See you later.”
I place two glasses of sparkling water on the wooden bench and sit down opposite Danielle.
“Roll on the day I can order myself a pint of cider. Nine months without one is a joke.”
“Well, it was your idea. Nobody forced you to get pregnant.”
She laughs, throwing a coaster at me. I duck and it misses, landing on the grass behind me.
“So,” she says, swigging from her glass, “what was the emergency?”
“I just had to get out of the house.”
“Adrianna?” she questions.
I nod. “She’s unbelievable. There’s just no excuse for the way she’s behaving. I thought with Natasha’s cancer back…”
Danielle spits her water back into the glass.
“Woah!” she chokes out. “Her cancer’s come back? Since when?”
“Why are you asking? It was you that told me.”
She sits forward, resting her head in her hands.
“That’s something you haven’t heard from me.”
“Well, if not cancer, then what?”
Danielle screws up her face.
“Gabriel, you’re putting words in my mouth. Surely if there was something that serious going on, Natasha would have told you herself?”
I look away, her eyes staring into mine. I see the nearby tables and benches, people lost in their own worlds and conversations. I take in the many shades of the sky, and how clear and blue it looks today. I guess I’m more appreciative of my surroundings than most.
I inhale, allowing myself a moment to relax. I’ve been slowly driving myself crazy with paranoia, not purposely, but Danielle has managed to plant a seed in my head and it’s something I haven’t been able to shake off.
“Gabriel, are you still with me?”
Leaving the sky to get on with its day, I’m met by Danielle’s hand waving in front of my face.
“If I gave you the impression that Natasha’s health was in question, I’m sorry. It looks like we’ve been on two very different wavelengths.”
“So, come on then. What have you been hiding from me?” I quiz.
“I was right,” a voice hollers. “It was you being served at the bar. I had to come out and see for myself. My curiosity kind of got the better of me.”
I throw my leg over the bench and turn to the sound of a female voice.
“Michelle.” I grin up at her and then glance over her shoulder. “Where’s Josh? Is he propping up the bar, or has he brought you here for a meal?”
She was smiling until I mentioned his name, and now her smile has dissolved into a sullen frown.
She shakes her head. “No, Mum and Dad brought me.” She looks towards the large domed conservatory and points. “They’re in there with Savannah. We’ve ordered our meal, just waiting for it to come.”
She turns from me.
“Danielle, how are you keeping? You can’t have long to go now.”
She sits down at her side and the two of them descend into baby talk. As for me, I’m looking round myself, but not at anything in particular. So now I’m told Natasha is well, but for how long? The doctor told us that she’s in remission, but remission doesn’t mean she’s cancer free. He said it would be five years before she’ll be given the all-clear. My head’s throbbing relentlessly. Even with Danielle’s reassurance that everything’s okay, I still can’t get my mind to rest. I’m getting so tired of being hounded by these ominous thoughts.
“Michelle, your starter!”
A dark-haired lady I presume to be her mother is standing a few feet from the doorway of the conservatory beckoning towards us.
“Best go,” Michelle says, planting a kiss on Danielle’s cheek.
“Been lovely,” Danielle replies, gazing towards me as she gets to her feet.
“Anyway, I’m seeing you soon, so we’ll have plenty of time to catch up.”
“Seeing you soon?” I repeat under my breath, guessing it’s just her way of being polite.
Michelle disappears into the pub, allowing my mind to focus on more pressing matters.
“So, I need to know what you were hiding, or should I say, what Natasha’s hiding.”
“Gabriel, lighten up. Believe me, Natasha has nothing she needs to hide from you.”
“Whatever it is, I need to know.”
“Oh, fuck me.”
She leans back, grimacing, supporting herself with one hand and holding her stomach with the other.
“Are you okay?”
I swig back my water, get up and sit at her side.
She leans forward, gripping the edge of the bench so hard that the ends of her fingers turn red.
“I’ve been getting pains for the last couple of days.”
“Well, don’t you think you should ring the hospital and let them know?”
She lifts her head, blows out and then inhales.
“I have. I rang them after breakfast this morning. The nurse I spoke to wasn’t overly concerned. She said the pains were probably Braxton Hicks contractions getting my body ready for the real thing.”
“Well, the nurse may be happy, but look at you and the pain you’re in. Before I take you home, we’ll drop in at the hospital and get you checked over.”
Danielle’s face has thankfully returned to its usual colour and her hands are no longer gripping the table.
“I’m fine, honestly,” she tells me, dabbing her head with a white serviette.
“Fine or not, it won’t hurt, and the hospital isn’t far out of my way.”
The roads aren’t as quiet as I’d hoped. With the day being so nice, everybody around Derby has had the same idea, jumped in their cars and gone out.
I take a sideways glance at Danielle. So far, she hasn’t had another episode, or whatever she chooses to call them. She’s sitting back in her seat looking quite relaxed. Neither of us is saying a lot, so with only the sound of our breathing as company, I switch the radio on, but we only get halfway through the first song before she reaches forward and turns down the volume.
“Michelle surprised me.”
“Surprised you? Surprised you how?” I utter.
She grins and rolls her eyes. “Well, you were there, so you must have heard what she said.”
“Well, yes, I did kind of hear, but I can’t say I was listening.”
“So you didn’t hear her mention that her and Josh are on a break? She said they’re seeing each other most days, but as for the nights, she’s staying at her mum and dad’s, and likewise, he’s staying at his. She didn’t go into detail, but I guess that was due to the little time we had. But she did tell me he’s off his head, accusing her of all sorts, so God knows what’s going on in their relationship.”
It takes a while, but we eventually pull into the hospital car park. A nurse invites me onto a small side ward where Danielle is lying on a couch; her t-shirt is rolled up and she’s hooked up to a machine. She looks up from the chart she’s perusing.
“We’ll leave you on the monitor for a good hour to see what’s going on. I’ll be back in a while,” says the nurse.
She then turns away and walks out into the corridor.
“Gabriel, I don’t bite. Pull your chair up; come and sit next to me.”
I sit at the side of the couch and watch as reams of paper filter their way out of the machine.
Danielle points towards the paper.
“I think one line is to monitor the baby’s heart rate and the other is to monitor my contractions.”
She holds something up between her clenched fist.
“I’ve got to press the red button when I feel him move.”
“You’re telling me you can feel him move?”
She nods. “What do you think? Of course I can.”
I frown, gazing down at her stomach, almost jumping off my chair as an elbow or knee sticks up. I look again and it’s disappeared.
“Give me your hand.”
I sit back in my chair.
“No, it’s okay. Seeing is enough.”
She grabs my hand and presses it against her bare skin.
“Gabriel, grow a pair.”
I try to pull away, but she holds on tightly to my fingers. As my hand relaxes, he kicks.
Danielle smiles. “That’s him saying hello to his Uncle Gabriel.”
It feels kind of weird, but at the same time I don’t feel I can pull away.
“Doesn’t it hurt?” I say, leaning forward.
“Occasionally, but most of the time it’s nice feeling him moving inside me.”
I bite down on my bottom lip. “Looking at your stomach, I’d say he’s a big one.”
“Thanks for that.”
I laugh behind my hand. “Let’s just say I’m glad it’s not me giving birth.” I raise an eyebrow. “Coz, boy, looking at that, it’s gunna hurt.”
Normally, I’d expect her to reach out and slap me, but hooked up to the monitor as she is, she’s got no chance. However, that doesn’t stop her from sticking her middle finger up.
“You love me really, Danielle.”
She smirks, squeezing my hand. “That’s just it, I do. For a guy, you’re not half bad.”
I’ve been kicked God knows how many times and I’m actually beginning to quite like it. I lean over her stomach so my lips are just above the back of my hand.
“So, little man, in a few years from now, you’ll be down the match every Saturday with your Uncle Gabe.”
“You two make a lovely couple.”
My head shoots round. I’m met by a nurse beaming down at us.
“At this stage, it’s not unusual for a dad to start getting emotional.”
Danielle snorts and nods towards her. “Yes, I’m always having to pass him a Kleenex.”
The nurse looks my way and smiles. As for me, I sit up. For once, I am lost for words. Her blue tunic brushes against me as she rips the long ream of paper from the machine. She takes a pair of glasses from her breast pocket and stands and observes.
“Well, according to this, everything’s fine. So whenever you’re ready, you can go home.” She must see me frown, because she looks towards Danielle and adds, “If you still aren’t happy when the doctor does his rounds, I can always get him to nip in and give you an internal.”
My eyes widen. “In that case, I think it’s my cue to head to the café.”
“No, Daddy,” Danielle chuckles. “I’d like you to stay and be here with me.”
“Do you want me to see if the doctor’s around?” the nurse enquires.
“No, on second thoughts, you said the baby is okay, so I’m happy with that.”
I let out a huge sigh. Thank God.
“So what are you going to do with yourself now?”
“Go home, I guess,” I say with a shrug.
“If you don’t fancy it, you could come home with me. We can get the laptop on and look for Asim. You know, do what we normally do.”
I grin. “Yeah, I think I’d like that.”