I step back as Hughie’s arms release me. He gives me a peck on the cheek and gets back into the car. I walk round to Angela, who’s leaning against the bonnet. She hugs me, though it’s a strange hug, tighter than I can ever remember her hugging me before. I frown as I step back, as I see that tears are making their way down her cheeks. She sniffs and wipes her face with her hand.
“It’s not what I want, and I know it’s not what Hughie wants, but this…” Her voice breaks. “This has to be goodbye. You can’t always stay involved with an ex, at least not when they’re in a relationship with someone else. You and Josh, you’re far too close and there are far too many familiarities, and I’m afraid I’ve got to think of Savannah and my family now; they’re the ones I have to put first.”
I frown and then think of last night and how Josh behaved; I guess she’s right, and now it’s not only Angela with tears in her eyes.
“Okay,” I mutter, “I can understand how you feel about me seeing Josh, but surely we can keep in touch? Can’t I see you every now and again, you know, on birthdays and at Christmas?”
She half smiles, but shakes her head.
“In the future, well, yes, maybe, but with all the doubts Josh is having about Michelle, now probably isn’t the right time.”
I step forward, feeling I need one last hug, but her arms don’t tighten around me and she moves away. I don’t try to push things, as she’s made her feelings perfectly clear. I’m not one for goodbyes anyway. Hughie revs his engine and indicates to pull away from the kerb. I turn, blinking back my tears, and walk up the path towards the house.
I stand on the doorstep and take a long breath. Gabriel’s ‘No cold callers’ sign stares at me. Angela said that she was going to put her family first; well, I think it’s about time I started doing the same.
Once I step inside and close the door I decide that has to be the end of Josh, Angela and Hughie, because when the door closes, I’m closing it on my past and stepping forward into my future. I put the key into the lock and turn, squeezing myself between the partially open door. I lean back against the glass and feel it as it closes behind me.
Goodbye, Josh, and goodbye to the last ten years. I smile to myself. And goodbye cancer. I stand for a couple of minutes and feel that this is a way of letting go of my past and all its memories.
“Darcy!” I call.
I notice the twins’ buggy isn’t in its usual place against the staircase, and Larry’s lead isn’t draped over the banister where Gabriel left it, so it’s no surprise to discover that Darcy’s gone out, and if I know her as well as I think I do, she’s probably taken a walk down to the park and grabbed a couple of slices of bread to feed the ducks.
While I have a couple of minutes, there’s something I need to do; not just for Gabriel, for both of us. I make my way upstairs to the landing, open the loft hatch and pull down the metal steps. Holding both sides, I climb up, then turn and look down when I hear a noise. Seeing nothing, I pull the long cord to switch on the light. I stand on the top step, gazing round. The loft is filled with clutter, including Christmas trees from years ago, unnamed boxes and a mannequin; why on earth has Gabriel kept a mannequin up here? I snigger to myself as I wonder whether he might be a secret cross-dresser. But then I’m forgetting his nan was a seamstress, which explains the mannequin.
My eyes widen as I spot them leaning against the wall to my far left, all three portraits. Steadying myself, I climb into the loft and tread carefully between the wooden rafters. I pull the first two frames forward and there I am, a girl lost in a Monet-inspired backdrop. I try to pull the frame free, but instead have to lower the front two frames to the floor to see if it’ll make things any easier. Still unable to move it, I lean the painting forward and rest it against my hip, then reaching down I turn the catches at the back and slide the picture out from behind the glass. My blood runs cold as I take the quickest of glimpses. Gabriel was right, there’s no way we could hang this anywhere in the house. I take it between my hands and roll it up tightly, and then, with it held under my arm, I climb back down to the landing.
It almost feels like I’ve achieved something as I fold and wedge the painting into the outside bin, put the lid back on and walk into the house. I can’t wait to see my girls and yet a few minutes of me time sounds quite nice. I meander along the hall, but before reaching the kitchen, I stand still, tilt my head and listen. I’m definitely not mistaken, there’s a creaking sound. I stand a moment longer. I’m pretty sure it’s a room off the landing, as the noise is coming from the floorboards above me. There’s no sign of Darcy and the twins, so I stand at the bottom of stairs and glance up. I know what I heard, and I know I can’t leave this.
Back on the landing, I open the bathroom door and peer inside, but there’s no one there. I check the spare room, but it’s empty and everything’s in its usual place. I’m beginning to question whether I really heard something or if it is just all the uncertainty surrounding my life at the moment allowing my mind to play silly games.
I reach for the white domed handle of mine and Gabriel’s bedroom.
“Adrianna! What the hell!” I shout as I open the door.
Startled, she jumps back and gasps, clasping her hand over her mouth. Her sparkly blue eyes are on me, whereas mine are everywhere. The wardrobe door has been wedged open, and coat hangers are strewn all over the quilt cover. There’s a mound of Gabriel’s clothes, and Adrianna is standing on the far side of our double bed holding a large pair of my first aid scissors in her hand, hacking her way through one of Gabriel’s shirts. The floor is littered with shreds of his jeans, sweatshirts, winter jumpers, and even his socks and boxers. Seeing me, she stops cutting through the cuff of his shirt, steps back from the bed and stands staring at me.
“Danielle told me you and Gabriel had split up, so I thought I’d be doing you a favour,” she utters, her voice shaking.
Leaning forward, she begins cutting buttons off one of his denim jackets.
“You think you’re helping me?”
I dart around the bed and grab the scissors out of her hand. Adrianna flicks her auburn hair off her face.
“I found this for you,” she says, and takes a large adjustable suitcase from the side of the wardrobe, pushing a few coat hangers onto the floor to make space on the bed. She opens it and throws the lid back. “You should get most of your things in here, and pretty much all of the girls’ clothes,” she adds, smiling.
I’m staring into an empty case and then look round my bedroom, which is now a total wreck, only half listening to my sister telling me to move the twins in with her, Danielle and Cairo. She’s telling me that she knew Gabriel wasn’t right for me, she’d always known.
“And now Logan’s safe and on his way home with Mum and Dad,” Adrianna begins, “well, can’t you see, Tash? We’ll be…” She pauses. “Well, we’ll be one happy family. We can even convert the garage into a playroom or whatever you like; after all, it is kind of your house.”
I sink down on the bed. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this angry, and I don’t think the expression on my face shows her just how much.
“Well?” Adrianna frowns, making her way over to the wardrobe. “Do you want me to give you a hand?”
She moves some coat hangers along the rail as she flicks through my clothes. I’m too shocked to speak, and so swallow hard, trying to compose myself.
“Give me a hand?” I snap. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough?”
I admire the feigned look of shock she passes me.
“Sorry, Adrianna, you may be able to fool yourself, but not me. I’m your sister, remember?”
She turns towards the dressing table and opens the top drawer.
“So, am I wrong for trying to help you?”
I half smile, though can’t bring myself to look at her. “If you were trying to help me, then no, of course you wouldn’t be wrong. But the only person you’re trying to help, Adrianna, is you.”
Pouting, she sits down next to me and sulks. If anyone were to see her now they would think she was the injured party. God knows how I’ve managed to stay calm, but now I’ve had enough of her bullshit. I’ve already clicked on the link on my phone, letting me onto her blog.
“Okay, Adrianna, try worming your way out of this one.”
I hold the screen up so she can see.
“My journey through surrogacy,” I read out.
Her pale complexion acquires a rosy-red tinge and she turns, slamming the lid of the suitcase.
“How did you get hold of my private link?”
“Private? Nothing’s private on the Internet.”
“Danielle, I bet!” Adrianna yells.
I shake my head. “No. But she has spoken to me.”
“Oh, I bet she has,” Adrianna mutters.
“Well, someone needed to stand up for Gabriel. Your plan all along was to drive him away, and you manipulated me from the moment you moved in. Being a dad, it was all new to him and he had very little confidence, and the little he did have you were happy to destroy in a matter of days. Stupid me, I back my sister up, side with you over the man I was hoping to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve read your blog posts, I’ve read them all, and you make me sick to my stomach. Does your twelve-week scan ring any bells?”
Now it’s Adrianna who doesn’t seem able to meet my eyes.
“Sixteen weeks, you felt them moving; what was it you said? It didn’t feel like the babies you were carrying were your sister’s, they felt like your own. What the fuck’s your problem? You were supposed to be helping me and Gabriel start our family.” I shake my head. “I trusted you more than I’ve ever trusted anyone.”
A tear rolls down Adrianna’s face, dripping off her chin and onto the cotton quilt cover. She glances up.
“How am I supposed to feel? Logan was with me one minute, the next he was gone. Tash, I lost my little boy, I felt empty. I didn’t want to come home, I wanted to stay in Turkey and wait until I got word or somebody found him, but because of how far along in the pregnancy I was, I wasn’t given that choice, I had to fly back. You’ve no idea what it’s like to walk into your little boy’s bedroom, look into his cot and him not be there. Have you ever stopped to think that was part of the reason I didn’t want to stay at home and chose to stay with you, Gabriel and the girls? It made things easier somehow.”
She reaches along the bed and takes my hand, but I snatch it away.
“I feel for you, Adrianna, believe me, I do, and if your surrogacy posts had begun when you were twenty-five weeks pregnant, maybe I’d have understood. But I checked the dates several times and found they dated back to when you went to hospital for your twelve-week scan. That was weeks before Logan was taken, so to be honest, I don’t understand.”
Adrianna gets to her feet.
“I need a drink, I’m going downstairs.”
She rushes towards the door, but I get up and rush after her. We almost reach the bottom of the stairs at the same time.
I thrust my hand on my hip. “I’m waiting for an explanation.”
“What do you want from me? What do you want me to say?” Adrianna storms towards the kitchen. “You had cancer for God’s sake,” she says, turning back. “We needed to get you in the right frame of mind so you’d continue your treatment. The last thing I was thinking about was myself, I didn’t give a thought to my feelings; for those few weeks I was just an afterthought, while you, Tash, were the focus of the entire family. It was never my intention to hurt you or Gabriel … it still isn’t.”
Gabriel. There’s an ache in my heart as I hear his name. My cancer has caused one hell of a domino effect. I’ve been so wrapped up thinking about the girls, Logan, Josh and the relationship between him and Michelle I never once stopped to give Gabriel a second thought. I guess I just assumed we were okay. I’ve been so blind to his feelings, so blind to so much, but never again, because it’s us, our little family that’s going to come first from now on.
“Never your intention?” My eyes narrow as I stare at her. “Okay, then prove it. Let’s sort the damn parenting order!”
She shakes her head and looks away.
“I’m sorry, Natasha, I can’t.”
The hall is filled with a deathly silence, and there’s an awkward pause between us. She walks into the kitchen and grabs a tumbler out of the dishwasher, turns the tap and pours herself a glass of water.
“I think I’m going to head home. I’ll walk up the road and catch the bus.”
I screw up my face. “The number ten isn’t due for another half an hour, so there’s no rush. Anyway, we need to talk.”
She swigs back the remainder of her water.
“I can’t talk to you now, I’ve got too much on my mind. It’s only a couple of hours and Danielle will be driving me to the airport. The only thing on my mind is Logan.” She smiles. “Seeing Logan.”
If I can convince her to get in my car, it’ll buy me some time, and hopefully I’ll be able to talk her round and get her to see sense.
“The Merc’s parked outside; let me drive you home.”
“No, honestly, Tash, I need some time alone.”
My palms are clammy and I wipe them down my jeans.
“In that case, I’ll ring you in the morning. Don’t forget, I want to see how Logan is.”
“No, give me a couple of days with Logan, but I know at some point we do all need to sit down and talk.”
I grab her arm. “Wait, please wait, I’ll only be a couple of seconds.”
Leaving her in the kitchen, I bolt up the staircase two steps at a time, race into my bedroom and start throwing bags and shoes over my shoulder and anything else that gets in my way. Where the fuck are they? I can hear the catch on the front door.
“Adrianna, wait!” I yell.
“Only me,” Darcy calls up.
I’m frantically throwing everything out of the wardrobe onto the floor.
“Got it!” I punch the air, grabbing the large white carrier bag.
I scoot back down the stairs, and find Darcy standing at the bottom. She smiles up at me.
“How was your evening?” she asks, raising her eyebrows.
My heart’s thumping and I don’t reply, but look past her into the kitchen.
“Adrianna, where is she?”
She frowns. “What’s wrong?”
“Where is she?” I repeat.
“I put my key in the door and walked in, and, give or take a couple of minutes, she walked out.”
With only socks on my feet, I run out onto the street. Adrianna hasn’t gone far, and is approaching the next lamppost about five houses up the road.
The plastic bag I’m carrying knocks against my thigh, its handles crackling between my fingers as I run to catch up with her. Out of breath, I take her shoulder and turn her back round to face me.
“Here! Have this.”
Wide-eyed, she reels back on her heels.
“Natasha, I haven’t got time for this, for your childish games.”
“Just open the bag will you, and look inside?”
My gaze follows hers as she looks down and I’m unable to miss her expression. She rolls her eyes.
“Our old tartan coats, God I hated those, hated being dressed the same as you.” She sniggers.
“But this was us, I thought it still was us, united, you know, two sisters against the world. But I was wrong; now it seems it’s you and the world against me.”
She throws the bag back into my arms.
“Didn’t you hear me, Tash? No games. And as for your guilt trip, you can keep it.”
I raise my eyebrows. “Think, Adrianna,” I say, looking into her eyes, “think how it felt when Asim took Logan away from you, yet you were quite happy to do the same and take my babies away from me.”
Now it’s Adrianna’s eyebrows that shoot up. “Tash, that’s not fair.”
“Well, fair or not,” I snap, “I’m going fight you on this, every step of the way. Iris-Mae and Harper are mine.”
“Not according to the law.” Her stare is so cold.
She turns away from me and continues to walk up the road towards the bus stop.
“You’re no sister of mine,” I mutter under my breath.
Holding the bag in two hands, I take one quick peek at our two tartan coats lying inside, and then scrunching the flimsy carrier together I toss it into a nearby hedge and walk back to the house. I look down at my socks, seeing them snag against the pavement as I drag my feet. I’m finding it almost impossible to lift my eyes. How can me and Adrianna be so close yet at the same time feel so distant, so detached?
Darcy must hear me come in, as when I close the door behind me she’s standing between the lounge and the hall. From the look on her face, I don’t think she’s sure what to say.
“They’re sleeping,” she mutters.
I try my best to smile, but I don’t think I look too convincing. I rip off my socks and tread barefoot into the lounge. Harper is twitching in her sleep. Iris-Mae is also sleeping, but she’s perfectly still. I crouch down between them. They’re so beautiful, but I could lose them both to my sister. I hear Darcy walk up behind me and feel her stroke the back of my arm.
“Are you okay, Tash?”
I straddle the arm of the settee, half sitting and half standing.
“No, not really.”
How can I look at them, hold them in my arms, feed them and love them like I do? I’ve hurt before, I guess everyone has at some point during their lives, but never like this. To take my girls now would be like ripping my heart out of my chest. Sitting here gazing into both bouncy chairs, I’m struggling to hold it together. I can’t lose them now.
“Oh, before I forget,” Darcy says, “a lady called round yesterday teatime, wrote her name and number down on a piece of paper.” She points towards the fireplace. “I slipped it behind the clock. I’m sure her name was Julia. She didn’t seem too happy, went on about a portrait of her daughter, Lucy. She said it should have been ready to collect weeks ago. She’d rung to speak to Gabriel, but her calls kept being diverted to his voicemail. She said she’d left him several messages, but as yet he hasn’t got back to her.”
I could scream. Something else that I’ll have to sort out.
“You look like you could do with a coffee,” Darcy pipes up.
“Yeah.” I nod. “And make it strong.”
While she’s making drinks, I ring Gabriel on the off chance that when he sees it’s me he might answer, but as usual my call is diverted to his voicemail and so I hang up. I’m not going to leave a message.
“Well?” Darcy says, passing me a steaming mug. “You haven’t answered my question.”
“What was that?” I say, lost in my thoughts.
“I asked if you were okay.”
I wander over to the window and stare out at the grey overcast sky.
“I don’t know how I feel.”
She walks past, turns to face me and leans back against the window sill.
“Surely things can’t be that bad?”
I tilt my head and attempt a smile. “The one person I thought would always have my back, who I probably know better than anyone else, is taking everything from me.” I squeeze my eyes together, trying to block out reality.
“Who are you talking about?” Darcy’s voice pounds inside my head. “And what have they done?”
“Adrianna!” I blurt out through the steam rising from my mug. I’m met by Darcy’s frown.
“What about her?”
I puff my cheeks out, not quite knowing where to begin. Between sips of coffee I fill her in, telling her all there is to tell. My cousin’s light-hearted expression quickly disappears and her eyes are questioning.
“The parenting order…” I continue. “She said…” I blink and inhale as my eyes fill with tears, causing the big grey clouds in the sky to dance. “She said she’s not going ahead with it.”
Darcy places her half-drunk coffee on the window sill, her mouth hanging open.
“But,” she stammers, “she can’t do that! The babies, they’re yours.”
I chew into my forced smile and shake my head. “No, Darcy, she gave birth to them, and that gives her rights. In the eyes of the law, my girls, well, they’re not mine.” I swallow. “Adrianna, she’s their legal mother, and that’s how things will stay until she signs on the dotted line to state otherwise. Darcy, I don’t know what to do. With Gabriel in London, God knows where, and Adrianna…” I shrug. “I don’t know what her next move will be and I don’t know when it will be.”
Maybe this is my one chance to speak to Danielle, see if she can throw any light on what has been going on. Adrianna will be on the bus now, and knowing how many stops it makes, I figure it’ll be a good half an hour before she gets home.
Darcy sits beside me on the sofa as I press my finger on Danielle’s number. My phone rings out twice, and then she answers. Her voice is chirpy, upbeat, but then it’s no surprise, as a few hours from now Logan will be home and life for them will start getting back to normal. She asks if Adrianna is still with me, and then asks what’s wrong. It seems my voice is unable to hide the way I’m feeling. I don’t hear any shock in her tone when I bring up the parenting order and Adrianna not wanting to sign it.
“I did try to warn you,” she says.
“I know, but what you told me, it didn’t sound like Adrianna, it just didn’t ring true.”
Danielle goes on about Adrianna’s fluctuating hormones and the drastic change in her mood, saying that my sister seems to have lost her rational self since Asim took Logan.
“Danielle, I’m scared, so fucking scared.” I’m gazing down into my lap, shaking my head. “I don’t know what to do.”
Danielle coughs. “If I were in your shoes, I think I’d jump in the car, drive to London and do the best I could to sort things out with Gabriel. If you can get him back on side, get him to come home with you, I think as a couple you have a far better chance of fighting this.”
Suddenly feeling all alone, I reach across my lap for Darcy’s hand, and just the feeling of her fingers over mine helps.
“I’d have to search online for a decent hotel, and there’s so much I’d need to take … bottles, formula, nappies…” I reel off a list and there are still things I’m missing. “I’ve got a car, not a bus, so God knows where I’d fit the Moses baskets.”
I turn as Darcy pulls on my arm.
“If you seriously want to patch things up with Gabriel, I don’t see where the twins fit in,” she says.
“Hello, hello!” Danielle’s calling as I move the phone away from my ear.
I’m stuck in the middle of a three-way conversation, so I press the hands-free button. I smile to myself, as now we can devise a plan between us.
“I can stay and look after the twins for a couple of days,” Darcy pipes up. “That’ll give you plenty of time if you leave early.”
“Leave the twins?” I frown. “Are you serious? What if Adrianna comes back and takes them?”
I glance round the lounge for anything free-standing, feeling like I should be barricading the front door with furniture.
Danielle’s voice takes precedence. “She’s going to be far too wrapped up in Logan this weekend to give you or the twins a second thought, so if you’re thinking about going to see Gabriel, you honestly couldn’t pick a better time.”
I glance at Darcy, who’s smiling and nodding her head.
“Fancy another coffee?”
“Yes, please.” I smile back, as I barely sipped the last one she made.
She gets to her feet and walks into the hall, leaving me to speak to Danielle.
“You mentioned if Gabriel were to come back home with me, that it’d be easier to confront Adrianna, maybe get her to see sense.”
“Yes,” she says, “and your point?”
“Well, she has you, you’re her partner, so surely she has your support?”
“No.” The way she says it, she sounds so definite and I catch her heavy sigh. “Tash, you have no worries there. Adrianna knows only too well how I feel. I was so proud of her when she came to me and told me she wanted to carry your baby, and when I saw you with the girls I couldn’t have been happier. If Adrianna is determined to continue down this path, if this is the way she wants to be, I won’t be sticking around.”
Her words leave me feeling awkward, almost guilty.
“Admittedly it’ll be hard for me because I love her and I love Logan.” Her voice lowers. “But I guess that’s a choice your sister has to make. Now, forget about us and leave Adrianna to me. When you get up in the morning, get your arse in the car and go and get Gabriel back.”