Mark
My hands are clammy, and my chest feels tight again from the anxiety ripping me to shreds. My nerves are shot because I’m about to tell my best friends my lifelong secret. And I’m worried that it may not go over well.
I invited Rylie and Sasha out to dinner tonight, just the three of us, like old times, so I could tell them about Eli. I’ve practiced my speech a hundred times since last Monday and yet, somehow, now that the time has come, I’m tongue tied and worried about what they’ll think.
“What is your deal tonight, Olsen? You’re acting like a freaking weirdo, all fidgety and shit,” Sasha notes, handing me the wine bottle we ordered before dinner.
I pour a glass, placing the bottle back down on the table before taking a fortifying sip. My hand tremors and I wonder if they notice. As I look over the rim of the glass, Sasha is giving me that ‘I’m on to you’ look – so yeah, she noticed.
Rylie sits there looking thoroughly oblivious to what’s going on, her hand idly stroking her rotund pregnant belly. The thing is, Sasha and I have always been closest. We grew up with similar lifestyles and backgrounds and were each other’s confidantes in college as we each went through our share of relationships and one-night-stands. I’ve never been scared to share my secrets with her, until now.
“I’ve met someone.” I finally spill, letting the words hang there between us, staring down at my napkin before glancing back up at them both.
Rylie’s fork stops halfway to her mouth, the cheesecake it holds all but forgotten over my announcement. And Sasha jumps in her chair and claps like a little toy monkey with the cymbals.
“Oh my God, Olsen! It’s about fucking time you got over Elise. Tell us, who is she? How did you two meet? Is she a doctor, too?”
Sasha is teaming for information, her face alight with enthusiastic interest and it about guts me to know that my next words could possibly ruin our friendship.
Clearing my throat, I glance away, looking through the crowd for some source of support.
Finding none, but knowing it’s now or never, I turn back and instantly feel like a coward – riddled with guilt. From this moment on, they’ll always look at me differently. Maybe even feel like I’ve lied to them all these years. Kept a part of me a secret and not trusting them enough to share it with them. They’re going to hate me.
My voice wobbles with uncertainty. “See, here’s the crazy thing...”
I wring my hands in my lap, biting my lip nervously, the top of my lip covered in beads of sweat.
They both look at me with expectant expressions. Neither has a clue what bomb I’m about to drop. And how it will change things forevermore.
Everything.
“I didn’t know...well, I did, I just didn’t pursue it much before now. I had no reason to.”
Sasha, the impatient one, interjects. “What the hell is the matter with you? Why are you rambling? Who is she?”
I swallow thickly. “He. It’s a he. His name is Elijah. Eli.”
There. I said it. The weight lifts and falls to the floor like an anvil.
I hold my breath and wait.
And wait.
And wait.
They’re both staring at me. Rylie with a crooked smirk across her face and Sasha squinting at me as if she’s trying to figure out if I’m fucking with her.
“Eli, as in, a dude?” Sasha’s voice is an octave higher than her normal shrill.
I give a helpless shrug.
“Yep.”
“Holy shit.”
“Yep,” I agree.
Rylie finally speaks and there’s question, but no judgment.
“Eli...why does that name sound familiar?” She tips her head to the side, a wrinkle in her brow. Then she snaps her fingers. “Wait! I know. He’s Addison’s cousin. He was at the party on Friday night. She introduced me to him. Holy shit, is that how you two met? Did you hook-up that night? Wow, he’s such a cutie. Those dimples. Very nice, Olsen. Good job.”
This is what I love about Rylie. She offers genuine encouragement and interest in any situation. No ridicule or condemnation.
Unlike Sasha, who at the moment is giving me the death glare. And trust me when I say, it could shatter glass. Knowing her for as long as I have, I expect that she’s about ready to give me hell. Not because I’m with a man...but because I’ve never mentioned it before now. To her, it will seem like a breach of trust that she’s known me all these years and I’ve kept this very important part of me from her.
Not intentionally, of course. But she won’t see it like that.
I can feel the blush creeping up my neck when I respond. “Yeah, we did hook-up that night. And this weekend. But it wasn’t supposed to go any further than that, because I work with him. He’s on my surgical staff.”
I allow that to sink in for a second while Rylie digests it and Sasha just seethes.
“You goddamn mother fucking asshole. Peckerhead. Douchewad. Twat waffle. Cunt.”
Yep, there she blows.
I turn my head side-to-side to see all the craning necks in our direction. Sasha is not a woman who understands the understated value of whispering. She’s loud and undeterred.
“Sash, come on...not here.” This from Rylie who tries to gain control of the situation.
Thank God for Rylie’s tender heart and her benevolence.
It’ll be of no use, of course, but I try to placate Sasha’s tirade.
“Sasha, it just happened. I didn’t expect it. I didn’t go looking for him.”
She balls her napkin up as if she’s about to throw it at me. Her lips form a thin line and I can see the way she holds back and restrains from launching herself across the table at me.
“How long have you known?”
At least she’s quieter now, resisting the urge to shout at the top of her lungs.
I shake my head, my voice turned down low with shame. “Since high school.”
“Goddamn you, Olsen. I hate you.”
Sasha pushes back her chair, taking her purse as Rylie unsuccessfully tries to keep her from leaving by reaching for her wrist. Sasha swings her arm out of reach and Rylie’s swollen belly prevents her from moving as fast as she would normally.
I realize people are doing the lookie-loos and wondering what the commotion is all about. Oh well. They can stare all they want.
I stand up and follow Sasha down the hall toward the bathrooms, telling Rylie with a wave of my hand to let me handle this.
It’s an old restaurant with single bathrooms, so I find Sasha standing in the hallway in line. When I catch up, she lets me wrap her in a hug when I reach her. She’s really just a softie at heart and is just hurt by my announcement.
“I’m sorry, babe. I honestly kept it to myself because I never thought it would amount to anything. In college, it was just me being bi-curious at the time. I didn’t hide anything...not really. I’ve dated women in the past because I enjoy women, too. I’d just never found a guy that ever really did anything for me, ya know?”
The top of Sasha’s mop of raven curls is the only thing I can see as she buries her face in my chest, sniffling and hiccupping.
“But why didn’t you confide in me? I’m your best friend.”
I kiss the top of her head. “You are my best friend, Sash. That will never change. I don’t know why I didn’t share it with you. Maybe it’s the same reason you didn’t ever tell me about your psych ward stay when you were in college. There are some things that just don’t come up in general conversation. ‘Oh hey, by the way, I might be gay. Pass the salt, please.’” I wiggle my fingers in a jazz hands gesture and get her to laugh.
“So yeah, I never brought it up because I figured my attraction to men was in the past...until Eli. Now I think I may have found the same level of connection you have with Jax. Eli is...”
“Adorable,” she supplies, blinking up at me with a watery smile. “I met him, too. I can see what you see in him. He’s totally the sweet and fun counter balance to your serious stuffiness.”
We laugh in unison, because that’s exactly what he’s like. It’s that natural charisma of his and zest for life that infuses into my serious nature.
Eli reminds me that having that connection with someone is what truly matters in life. None of us know just how long we’ll be on this Earth, but while we’re here, we need to live life to its fullest and find someone special that makes us happy.
Because physical attraction is fleeting; but souls connecting is forever.