“Nora. Come in, Nora. Earth to Nora. Did you change your name or something and I don’t know about it? Nora!”
I blinked, jolted from my thoughts, confused to find myself in Apple Butter with an exasperated Leah in my face.
Oh.
I was at work.
Whoops.
“Sorry,” I apologized. “I didn’t sleep well last night.”
“Yes, obviously.” She gestured to my face with a pointed finger. “You could use a little eye highlighter to deflect those dark circles. I have some if you want to borrow it?”
Somehow managing not to make a face, I shook my head. “I’m fine, thanks.”
Leah cocked her head to the side, contemplating me. “I thought there was something different about you … are you growing out your hair?”
I touched the strands that were now curling out in a kink at my neck. “Yeah.”
“Well, you should go back to your stylist and tell them that. They’ll cut into a look you can grow out.”
In other words, she thought it looked like shit. “Thanks, Leah.”
“Anytime.” She beamed, missing my sarcasm. “Anyhoo, I need to run to the bank so you’re watching the store.” She snapped her fingers. “No more daydreaming.”
“You got it,” I promised, relieved when she finally left.
Sighing, I relaxed against the cute powder-blue checkout counter and tried hard not to think of the day before. It proved too difficult. My mind kept going back to that moment when I’d made myself utterly vulnerable to Aidan. After all this time, I’d chosen someone to finally be open with and it had to be a man I knew could shatter what was left of me.
Not that he hadn’t been kind.
We’d eventually pulled out of each other’s arms, although Aidan had kept his hands on my waist, staring down at me with so much tenderness, it made me want to cry all over again.
I touched my cheek, thinking of the way he’d stroked his thumb across it.
Then his gaze had dropped to my mouth and there was tension between us again, only this time, it was a different kind of tension.
“You okay, Nora?” Sylvie’s voice had broken through the moment.
I’d pulled away from Aidan to find Jan and Sylvie standing before us. Jan wore a knowing expression but I could see her concern for me too. Somehow, I gathered my wits enough to tell Sylvie I was okay. I knew she wanted to pester me because clearly, I wasn’t okay, but Jan’s hand on her shoulder seemed to silence her.
“I have to go, though.” I needed time to regroup. Not wanting Aidan to think I was running again, however, I’d looked up at him pointedly. “I’ll see you soon, then?”
Seeming to understand I needed a breather, he said, “Definitely.”
After saying my goodbyes to Sylvie, I walked out of the cafeteria with Jan.
“We came back earlier,” Jan said, “but ye were crying in his arms. Ye’er not all right, are ye?”
I smiled weakly at her. “I will be.”
“He cares about ye.”
I wanted him to. Desperately. “We hardly know each other.”
“Doesn’t change the facts.” She gave my shoulder a squeeze. “Ye will be okay, Nora.”
However, that night as I tried to sleep, I couldn’t for worrying about how vulnerable I really had made myself to a man I didn’t really know. When I was with him, those fears drifted away, but being alone and having time to think about it brought them all back.
And yet … there wasn’t only the fear. There was relief.
Relief I never expected to feel.
I’d spewed out all the ugliness I’d ever committed and he didn’t run away. He held me and comforted me and looked at me like I wasn’t a bad person after all.
My attachment to him was deepening, as my attachment to Sylvie had. And that, I knew, was incredibly dangerous. Just as my attachment to the kids at the hospital, some of whom were terminal. Spending time with them was, at best, an act of kindness, at worst, an act of self-flagellation.
But to let myself fall for Aidan Lennox when he himself was at his most vulnerable was masochistic. He was a man with a huge life beyond me, and as soon as he stopped feeling so haunted, so alone, surely little Nora O’Brien from Nowhere, Indiana would be left behind.
As if my thoughts had conjured him, the door to the shop opened, drawing me up off the counter. My heart beat faster as Aidan walked in. He closed the door behind him and stared across the shop at me.
And I knew that my self-flagellation wasn’t over.
I couldn’t run away from him.
I didn’t want to.
Drawn to him in a way I couldn’t explain, I walked slowly toward him, and he to me. We met in the middle of the shop. As soon as I was within touching distance, he put his hand on my waist to draw me even closer. My breath caught as our eyes locked and it took me a second or two to find the ability to ask, “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see you. Make sure you’re okay.”
I rested my hand on his arm, the one that held me close, and nodded. “I think so.”
He frowned, reaching up with his free hand to brush his thumb over my cheek in that way that made my knees tremble. “I couldn’t sleep last night for worrying about you.”
And I saw it. What I’d been trying so hard not to see.
I saw that he wanted me … like I wanted him.
I was at war with myself, thinking he should probably leave but wanting him to stay. More than anything I didn’t want to hurt him. Again.
However, maybe friendship was the key. We could be there for each other without turning it into something that would be incredibly painful when it was inevitably over. Friendship, I could survive. We both could.
“Aidan, I—”
“Ah, good the shop isn’t on fire.” My boss’s voice broke the moment as she strode in.
Aidan’s eyebrows were drawn together, as if he knew I was in a battle with myself and the side he wanted to lose was winning.
“Oh, hello.” Leah stopped beside us and I gently extricated myself from Aidan’s grasp. I scowled when I saw my boss’s eyes running over him hungrily. I felt sorry for her fiancé. “I’m Nora’s boss—Leah.” She held out a hand, grinning flirtatiously. “Are you the man with the delicious voice from the other week there?”
Aidan shot me a scowl. “No, I’m not.”
Thank you, Leah. “That was Roddy.” I looked up at Aidan. “Jim’s best friend.”
Before he could react, Leah gave a huff of laughter. “Who knew you were hiding all these gorgeous men, Nora.” She wagged her finger at me like I’d been naughty and then turned back to Aidan. “I didn’t quite catch your name.”
“Aidan.” He gave her a curt nod and stepped back, his eyes falling on me. “This isn’t over, Pixie.”
His determined expression froze me in place as I continued to fight with myself and what I wanted. Because I swear to God, every time that man called me Pixie, I wanted to show him just how naughty I could be.
The house in Sighthill brought back memories of my first few months in Scotland. Those days seemed so long ago, even though they really weren’t. But now they felt like they belonged to another person.
Angie opened the door, her dark hair, now dyed and perfectly in place, her makeup immaculate, her clothes also. She was an older version of Seonaid, and still very attractive. However, there was sadness in her eyes that hadn’t been there when we met. She’d lost her husband and then her son.
Pieces of her were just … gone.
“It’s so good tae see ye.” She enveloped me in a hug so tight, it was like she was afraid I’d float away if she let go.
“You too.”
Stepping into the house, I was suddenly smacked in the face with memories of Jim. He was everywhere. And it wasn’t because Angie had photos of her family on nearly every wall. I could see him in the stairwell, chasing me up the stairs, and making me laugh in frightened delight when he caught me at the top and pretended to bite my neck like a vampire after we’d watched a stupid horror movie.
I could see him at the end of the hallway, holding his mom tight because she was sad we were moving out. I remembered him telling her that we’d visit all the time and she could come see us whenever she wanted.
“I can’t hear his voice anymore,” I whispered.
Angie’s arm circled my shoulder and she pulled me to her to kiss my temple. “It’s okay, sweetheart.”
But it wasn’t okay. Letting everything out with Aidan had unearthed my emotions, and I wasn’t okay.
“There you are.” Seonaid came striding out of the kitchen. “Roddy is about to eat the whole bloody chicken if you don’t get in here.”
Angie gave me one more squeeze and I plastered a smile on. “Let him try.”
Seonaid hugged me as soon as I approached. “He’s being a dick. I need backup.”
“Being a dick about what?”
“Her latest boy-toy,” Roddy supplied as we walked into the kitchen.
“He’s not a boy-toy, Radar Ears.” Seonaid gestured for her mother to sit down while she got us all drinks. The table was already set, a Sunday roast chicken and all the accoutrements with it. “And don’t even say one more word in front of my mum.”
“I think Angie wid like tae ken ye’er irresponsibly dating a man half yer age.”
I grinned at his teasing, relaxing a little now that he and Seonaid were there to take my mind off the difficult stuff.
“If he were half my age,” she slammed a beer down on the table beside him, “it would be illegal.”
“Hey, nae judgment here.”
Seonaid smacked him across the head and he shot me a pleased grin.
I laughed. “You’re giving him what he wants.”
She scowled and put a glass of water in front of me before taking a seat beside her mom. “He knows how to push my buttons.”
His grin turned wicked and as he opened his mouth to speak, Seonaid raised her fork and shouted, “Don’t even say anything dirty, Roddy Livingston!”
I smothered my laughter by taking a sip of water as Roddy shook with silent mirth.
Angie sighed. “Will you pair ever grow up?”
“Oh, I’m all grown up, Angie,” Roddy said, shooting Seonaid a pointed look.
To his delight, she blushed.
Interesting.
As interesting as it was, however, she also appeared in need of a rescue. “That picture you sent me of Zach. Wow.”
She smiled in thanks, shooting Roddy a smug look before opening her mouth.
This time she was cut off by Angie. “Aye, he’s gid-looking all right, but he’s a blethering idiot.”
Roddy choked on a sip of beer.
“At least the homely ones ye were dating had a brain in their heids.”
“Zach has a brain.”
“I said in their heids, Seonaid, no their underwear.”
While Roddy roared with delight, I tried, for my friend’s sake, to hold back my laughter. Seonaid turned to Roddy in outrage. “Like your barmaid is a bloody rocket scientist? I heard her ask you if grenadine was a girl’s name.”
“That’s a language barrier issue.”
“Yeah, she seems to understand baser elements of the English language, no problem, however.”
“And whit does that mean?”
“It means that when she thinks she’s whispering in your ear, she isn’t whispering!”
I snorted and Seonaid cut me a look of betrayal. I offered her one of apology and turned to Angie to change the subject. “It all looks delicious.”
“Aye, it does, so can we bloody well eat?” Roddy asked.
“Tuck in,” Angie said.
Knowing Roddy well, we waited until his plate was piled high before serving ourselves. Although Seonaid grumbled about feminism the entire time we did.
“It’s so nice tae have noise back in the house,” Angie said wistfully. “I miss it.”
Seonaid reached over to squeeze her mom’s hand.
“I miss him,” Angie went on, and I braced myself. I knew she needed to talk about him, but it was so goddamn difficult to hear. She looked at me and repeated the words she’d said before, words that were a knife in my gut. “But I take peace in knowin’ ma boy found the kind of love some of us never find.”
“Ye don’t have tae love me, Nora. Just keep caring about me, like I know ye do, and promise tae stay. For good. Stay with me. Choose me.”
I swallowed a gasp at finally hearing Jim’s voice after months of searching for it. There it was. Those words and the longing in them, the hurt he couldn’t hide in his eyes as he said them.
Angie had no idea how much pain I’d caused her son.
And suddenly, I realized … maybe it wasn’t only me who needed to be protected from Aidan. Maybe he needed to be shielded from me too. Like someone should have safeguarded Jim’s heart from me.
My fingers curled tightly around my fork as I looked down at my plate. Finally, I felt at last the battle I’d been fighting within myself since Wednesday was over. For once I had to do the right thing.