“You what?”
Seonaid groaned at my expression and slumped down onto my sofa. “Oh, I’ve fucked up, haven’t I?”
Stunned and confused, and still trying to come down from sexual frustration, I moved into the kitchen to put the kettle on. “Why don’t you start from the beginning?” How the hell had this happened?
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
“Seonaid.”
“I don’t know… Fuck!”
I waited patiently for her to speak. The kettle started to boil and whine loudly, so she waited, likely using the time to gather her thoughts. We looked at each other across the small space. At the fear darkening her blue eyes, I felt anxious. What did this mean for our friendship? If Seonaid and Roddy started avoiding each other, would that mean our threesome would crumble over time? Would Roddy and I eventually stop talking altogether if he no longer spoke with Seonaid? And how would Angie react to that?
As difficult as it was at first, I’d started to feel like I was getting my friends back and was able to do so without the grief or pain constantly attacking me. More than that, however, Roddy and Seonaid needed each other. I hope they hadn’t screwed that up.
She waited while I made us tea and brought it over. She clasped her mug tightly in her hands, shivering as heat rushed into her.
The apartment was cold and would be while the central heating booted up. We kept our coats on, looking at each over our hot mugs of tea. “Well?”
Seonaid gave me a grim look. “A man came into the salon yesterday with his girlfriend and I swear to God, Nora, he was Jim’s spitting image. I’ve been trying,” her lips trembled as tears filled her eyes, “I’ve been trying so hard to keep it together for you and Mum, but something happened when I saw that guy … I felt haunted for the rest of the day. And I really wanted to be around someone who loved him as much as I did, someone who could handle my sadness. So I went to Roddy.” She shot me a teary, apologetic look, and I felt guilty that she felt I couldn’t handle her grief. “I told him what happened and he … he held me while I cried. And then we had a few beers together and …” She shook her head, disbelief written all over her face. “We’d been talking together on the couch and then somehow, we were all over each other.”
Engrossed, I urged, “What happened next?”
“We had sex on the couch and before I could even think about what the hell we’d done, he picked me up and took me to his bed.” She said it like she was horrified but her expression conveyed anything but horror. “And we went at it again. Like animals.” She shivered and bit her lip and I had to stop myself from laughing.
Clearly, Seonaid had enjoyed herself.
So, what was the problem?
“Afterward, I couldn’t believe what the hell we’d done!” She threw her hands up and stood, spilling tea over her mug without realizing. “How the hell could we have done this? We’re Roddy and Seonaid! Friends! My little brother’s best friend.”
“You’ve slept with men younger than Roddy,” I reminded her.
“Not the point.” She whirled around, eyes blazing. “We screwed up one of the most important relationships in our lives.”
“Does Roddy feel that way?” Somehow, I doubted it.
“Look, I’m not stupid, okay. Roddy has fancied me his entire life so it was obvious he was pretty fucking satisfied with himself.” She made a face. “But I can see what he can’t.”
“And what’s that?”
“That sex between us only messes things up. I can’t have casual sex with Roddy.”
“What if he doesn’t want to have casual sex?” He definitely didn’t.
“Of course it’s casual sex. It’s Roddy.”
Oh dear God, how could she be so blind? “I’m pretty sure Roddy sees you as more than casual sex.”
“Exactly. He cares about me. Like I care about him. So being fuck buddies—no matter how amazing the sex was, and oh my God, it was annoyingly amazing—will only damage how we feel for each other. He’s a bloke, so he can’t see that far ahead, but I can.”
“Maybe it would turn into something more?”
“Nora,” she huffed my name in exasperation, “it won’t. That’s what I’m trying to say. But Roddy … he doesn’t get it.” Slumping down again, her eyes watered. “He’s really mad at me right now. I think I may have acted like what we’d done was disgusting and somehow managed to hurt his feelings. You know … the ones he pretends he doesn’t have.”
My chest ached for Roddy because I knew she’d more than hurt his feelings. She’d given him everything he’d ever wanted and then taken it away, as if what they’d done was shameful. I knew Seonaid hadn’t meant it and I could see how remorseful she felt, but I was still hurt on Roddy’s behalf. “He cares about you, Seonaid. You need to tell him everything you told me.”
“I want to sweep it under the rug and hope that things return to normal. I can’t lose his friendship, Nora.”
“Then go to him. Tell him that.” It might not be what he wanted to hear but at least he’d know he was important to her.
Seonaid was quiet, and then she looked up at me from beneath her long, wet lashes. “Sorry I interrupted your evening.”
At her pointed comment, I shifted a little uncomfortably. “About that—”
“You are allowed to have sex with other men, Nora. I’m happy for you.”
“I wasn’t anticipating it happening. I mean…” I flopped back against the couch. “I lose my head every time I’m around him.”
“Does that mean you two are already…?”
“No. I mean, we’re definitely heading in that direction and have been.” I gave her an apologetic look. “I didn’t want to talk about it yet.”
“I get it.” She kicked off her boots and curled her feet up on the couch. “You didn’t mention he’s older than you. Or that he is seriously, seriously hot.”
I laughed nervously. “Too hot.”
“No such thing.”
“Is the age difference that noticeable?” I asked, worried.
“Only that he’s older than you. How? How old is he?”
“Twelve years older.”
“Ach, that’s nothing. That means he knows what he’s doing in bed.”
I grinned. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure he does.”
Her smile fell as she studied me carefully. “You have feelings for him?”
“He needs me,” I evaded. “He and Sylvie need me. And you? Are you sure you don’t have feelings for Roddy?”
“I lost Jim. I can’t lose Roddy,” she evaded right back.
Over the next few days I tried to call Roddy to see if he was okay but he was avoiding my calls, which meant he absolutely wasn’t okay. My plan was to drop in at Leith’s Landing on Sunday to see if I could catch him there and assess his situation for myself.
However, before Sunday could be reached, I made my way over to Aidan’s to have dinner with him and Sylvie. I didn’t know how we were going to get through another evening without it ending with us ripping our clothes off but I knew we both wouldn’t want to have sex with Sylvie in the apartment.
He needed to get a bigger place with thick walls and many doors between his and Sylvie’s room.
No one answered the buzzer at the front entrance so I hit a few of his neighbors until someone let me in. Aidan’s apartment door was unlocked so I pushed in tentatively, wondering where they were. I had a bad feeling in my gut I couldn’t explain.
“Guys?” I called as I walked into the apartment.
Aidan stood outside on the balcony, staring out at the view, his hands in his pockets. Although I couldn’t see his face, his posture was rigid. That and his lack of greeting at the door put me on alert. I looked behind me but there was no Sylvie. When I stopped to listen, however, I could hear the faint sound of music playing from her room.
I moved over to the patio doors and pulled it open. Aidan’s head turned slightly but he didn’t look at me. He was so remote.
I stepped out onto the balcony and placed a hand on his back. I studied his profile, willing him to look at me, and finally he did. What I saw in his expression made my body lock in fear.
There was raw anger and grief. “Aidan?”
He shook his head and looked back out at the view and my insides jangled with nerves.
“Aidan, please, tell me what’s going on.”
“I’m afraid if I speak,” he bit out, “that’ll I do something stupid. Like … fucking kill him.”
Dear God, what the hell was going on? “Okay, you’re freaking me out.”
Instead of answering, he whipped around and marched back inside the apartment. I hurried after him, closing the door behind us and locking out the cold. He’d been standing out there in nothing but a thermal henley and jeans.
“Where’s Sylvie?”
“In her room. Listening to her idol’s new album. Clueless. The way I want her to stay.”
“Aidan, you have to talk to me.”
His answer was to grab my hand and lead me down the hallway to a door I’d only peeked in. It led us into the master suite. A spacious room decorated in dove gray and accented with navy. Masculine, tranquil. He had a huge bed and bedside tables, a big comfy armchair, and not much else. Off the master suite I saw an open door to a dressing room, and opposite the bed another door leading to a private bathroom.
He closed the door behind us and then suddenly hauled me into his arms. I wrapped mine around his waist as he bent his head to the crook of my neck and held me. To my ever-mounting concern, I felt tremors run through him and I tightened my embrace, as if that could somehow ease whatever had done this to him.
After what felt like forever, he pulled back, cupping my face in his hands and staring at me like he wished I could ease his pain too. But what pain? What was going on? “Aidan?”
“He’s taking her from me.” His eyes glistened as his anger hit me full force. “Cal’s taking Sylvie.”
Stunned, horrified, confused, I could do nothing but stare at him as I tried to work out what the hell he could mean. “What? No. Wh—Aidan, that’s not possible. I thought that wasn’t possible. You have guardianship. Full custody.”
He shook his head, scrubbing his hands over his short beard like he wanted to rip the thing off in frustration.
I didn’t understand. Hadn’t Jan told me Nicky had full custody and she’d left Sylvie to Aidan’s legal care?
“There was never anything legal about the custody arrangements between Nicky and Cal,” he gritted out. “They agreed that she would have full custody and he would see Sylvie whenever he could. When Nicky died, he didn’t even question that she’d asked me to take care of Sylvie.”
Anger was building in my gut. “So why now?”
Aidan caught my flare of fury and fed off it, his face darkening. “Well, according to him, he always wanted to but he didn’t want to put Sylvie through too much change. She’d been living with me for months with Nicky. But now … now the fucker is getting married and he wants to give Sylvie a more stable environment to grow up in. His fucking words.”
“There has to be something we can do.”
“I’ve already spoken to my lawyer. She wasn’t …” He looked away, his throat working as if he was trying to hold down emotion. His voice hoarse, he said, “She wasn’t hopeful. But she says we can try. That there’s evidence to prove he’s been an unstable parent in her life.” Aidan looked back at me, his fear right at the surface. “We have to try, Nora, because he’s … he’s moving to California.” He flexed his hands, eyes burning with unshed tears. “He’s moving my wee girl away from me.”
I let my tears fall on his behalf, shaking my head. No. Cal couldn’t do this to him. I wouldn’t let him. “No.” I shook my head. “No.”
Aidan pulled me into his arms, kissing my hair, wrapping me up so tight. But in the end, it was me comforting him, whispering words of fierce assurance that nothing on earth would stop us from keeping that little girl with him.
Since Nicky had never filed with the court for full custody, since there was never any legal mention that Cal hadn’t been around when Sylvie was little, and since he’d provided financial assistance even if he hadn’t provided emotional assistance, Aidan’s lawyer gave him the bad news less than a week later.
I’d called him every day as soon as I got off work, and I’d wanted to meet him after my volunteer session on Wednesday but he’d told me he was bogged down with work and the legal situation and we’d talk later. Trying not to feel useless, I told myself I understood, but what I really wanted was to be there for him.
On Thursday after work, I called him as I walked down Cockburn Street toward my bus stop. Just as I was about to hang up, he answered.
And I knew by his tone that it was bad news. “Where are you?” I said.
“At the flat.”
“I’m coming to you.”
“No, Nora, I … I had to tell Sylvie today and she’s not good, I think—” He was cut off at the sound of Sylvie’s petulant cry in the background. “I want Nora!”
Wanting to be there that instant, I said, “Let me come over, Aidan. Let me be there for you both.”
He was quiet and then gruffly agreed. Not wanting to delay, I did what I usually couldn’t afford to do and grabbed a cab. During the short journey, I tried not to think about the fact that Aidan wanted to push me away right now. How could he not understand that the thought of him losing Sylvie crippled me? They’d stolen my heart. It was theirs. And now it was breaking for them.
This time when I stepped out of the elevator, Sylvie was there. She rushed me, knocking me back on my heels, and I let her cling to me, holding her tight as she cried quiet tears.
Once I got her back in the apartment, Aidan took her hand and led her away to clean her face, murmuring to her all the time that everything would be okay. When he came back, he was alone. “She needs a minute.”
I was bristling with fury. “I don’t understand how this is happening.”
“This is happening because Nicky stupidly believed that the arsehole would always put his career before Sylvie. That there was no fucking need for legalities,” he hissed. “And I stupidly fucking let her convince me.”
“Is it this woman?” I asked. “This Sally person. Do you think she’s got something to do with it?”
“Oh, she’s got everything to do with it,” he said, lowering his voice. “She sat in the meeting with our lawyers today looking so fucking smug. If he wasn’t getting married, he would’ve buggered off to California without Sylvie.”
I glanced toward the back of the apartment, remembering the few times I’d met Cal. He seemed to care for Sylvie, but what did I know.
“He upped his visitation over the last year deliberately.” Aidan shook his head, seeming exasperated with himself for not seeing it. “Everything he’s been doing since Nicky died has been calculated.”
“He should’ve told you.”
Aidan’s eyes flew to mine and the heartbreak was too much for me to bear. “Aye.”
We both knew, without saying it, that if Cal had told Aidan his plans from the start, Aidan would’ve had time to prepare. He wouldn’t have spent the last year planning his future as Sylvie’s father.
Tears threatened to spill and I reached for him but he waved me off. “I can’t,” he told me gruffly. “I have to keep it together for Sylvie.”
I nodded. “She seems to understand what’s going on.”
“I think she could’ve coped with the idea as long as she was staying in Edinburgh, seeing me, seeing her friends. But dragging her off to fucking California …” He trailed off, shaking his head. “He’s a selfish bastard.”
“Didn’t the lawyers think the same?”
“As far as the law is concerned, Cal is her father. It’s on the birth certificate. He’s provided financial assistance for her upbringing, and he’s getting married and settling down. I’m merely her bachelor uncle with a less-than-stable career. My lawyer said it was so fucking cut and dry, it wouldn’t even make it to court. I’d have to prove that something sinister was going on with Cal, and there isn’t. And in any case, they’d likely put Sylvie through all these interviews with social services and traumatizing shit I couldn’t put her through. As for Cal taking her abroad, she said it was unfortunate that his job is taking him to the US, but—and I fucking quote, ‘The child should remain in the custody of her birth father, especially in light of the recent loss of her mother, and a judge would see it the same way.’”
“Aidan.”
“And I know they’re right. Rationally, I know that. I could even get on board with letting her go to him eventually, but why the fuck does he have to take her so far away from me? Eh? Why would he do that to a kid he proclaims to love when she’s already lost so fucking much?”
I tried to hold on to my anger, for his sake, to be the calm in his storm, and it took every ounce of control to do so. Still, I whispered, “Because he’s selfish.”
“I’m okay now.” Sylvie’s voice brought our heads around. She stood by the kitchen counter, her cheeks pale with red splotches from crying. Her eyes were red-rimmed but clear, and she wore a resolute look on her beautiful face that made me want to bawl like a baby. “Can we order pizza, Uncle Aidan?”
“We can order anything you want, sweetheart.”
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to scream, throw a tantrum and curse the world for its utter fucking merciless unfairness!
However, I didn’t.
I pasted on a shaky smile and joined them in the sitting room as Aidan called to order pizza.
We could do this. For Sylvie, we could pretend for a little while that everything was going to be okay.