Chapter Sixteen
Penny
For the briefest of moments, it felt like I was standing on a rope bridge over a canyon. The bridge was swaying perilously in the wind, and I had to decide whether I wanted to move forward or go back.
It wasn’t an easy decision. I had never given myself to a guy before, and I still wasn’t sure I was ready. If I slept with him, it would feel like a violation of the values I had been living by since I was really small. I used to be so proud of myself for waiting.
Darren must have sensed my hesitation, for he reached over and caressed my face with a concerned look. “You alright, babe? You look worried all of a sudden.”
“It’s just—” I scooted back a few inches with my eyes on the ground. My breathing was shaky, and I wouldn’t have been able to hide my fear even if I had wanted to. “I’ve just never done this before. This was never quite how I pictured it.”
I wasn’t sure what I wanted, apart from him. I’d spent so many years building up this moment in my head. What if I had built it up too much? What if it failed to live up to my expectations?
“Look, I can understand if you’re afraid of being caught,” Darren said. “This is a pretty open space, and anyone might drive by and see us.”
I hadn’t thought about it, but I guess that did worry me. That and the greasy rag lying in the back floorboard. “So what do you want to do?”
“I don’t care where we do it, babe.” He reached out and stroked my face again; my body thrilled to his touch. “I just want you, is all.”
“I want you, too,” I said shyly, in a voice no louder than a whisper.
“Right now, I’m just so ready for you, I can’t stand it,” he said, his body tense with longing. “Feels like I’ve been waiting forever for this. Since the first day we met.”
“I knew there was something different about you from the moment you walked into the store,” I replied. “You never talked down to me like other boys do—like Nic does. You treated me like a normal human being and someone with worth and intelligence. And you can make me laugh like no other. I just love talking to you. I feel like I can be myself around you.”
“You don’t give yourself enough credit,” said Darren with a shake of his head. “You’re one of the smartest, funniest, most creative women I know. And I’m sorry other guys can’t see it, but if it means I get to have you all to myself, then I’m not gonna complain too much about it. You’re like a wonderful secret known only to me.”
His words flooded through me like a warm liquid, restoring my anxious heart. I could have leaned forward right then and kissed him like I had kissed him after we made it back down to earth. I don’t know what held me back—fear, perhaps? Or maybe I had spent so many years not kissing boys when I wanted to that by now it was just habit.
“Anyway,” he said, and he patted me gently on the knee, “this is your first time, and I think we ought to be in a fancy room, not bathed in our own sweat in the back seat of a car. When you remember tonight, I want it to be a good memory.”
Slowly, I nodded. “I would like that. I would like that very much.”
“Get in the front seat, then,” he said, and he began climbing out of the cab. “Tonight we’re gonna find ourselves the richest, fanciest hotel in town.”
***
How had this all happened? I wondered as we ran up a flight of stairs with red padded carpet. Somehow Darren had sensed the source of my hesitation and had striven to make me feel better. I didn’t even have to say it; he had just known, and it filled me with a warm feeling of reassurance as he unlocked the door of our room with clumsy fingers and motioned me inside.
Even though we had rented one of the cheaper rooms in the hotel, it was still quite a bit fancier than the back of his car. A vase filled with geraniums stood on a table beside the bed, and the back wall was tastefully decorated with paintings of flowers. The sheets themselves were uncommonly luxurious, the kind that you might be tempted to sink into and never come out of.
“I’m amazed you can afford all this,” I said as I sat down on the edge of the bed. It was remarkably springy, and I bobbed up and down on its surface. “But then, I guess you did just win forty thousand dollars.”
“Honestly, I could probably buy the hotel if I wanted,” said Darren, throwing himself down on his belly. “But this is all I really want, right here.” He leaned forward and kissed me slowly, once, on the mouth; his lips tasted of mint and cinnamon.
If I had been less nervous, I might have gotten up and started dancing. As it was, he seemed to sense I was holding back, and when our lips broke apart he said to me, “Maybe we ought to do jumping jacks or something.”
It was such an absurd suggestion that I couldn’t help laughing. “Why would we do jumping jacks? To get in shape?”
“No, it’s a bit late for that.” He motioned to his slender but shapeless belly. “I think it would just help us to loosen up a bit.”
“Mmm, yeah. You mean like a fun thing that would make us laugh.” I said us, but we both knew I meant me. “I bet there are all kinds of things we could do.”
Darren rolled over on his side and smiled at me. “Like what?”
“Well,” I said, “we could color, but I didn’t bring any of my coloring books. We could pretend to be tropical fish and float around in the Amazon, or wherever fish live, I don’t know. We could just order grapes from the minibar and lay here eating them until we’re both too swollen to move, though I don’t think that would help us.”
Darren grinned wickedly. “What if you just danced and I watched you?”
The thought of just dancing in front of him was so embarrassing that I hid my face in my hands and laughed. “No, I can’t do that!” I said shyly. “You have to dance with me.”
“Please?” There was a seriousness in his tone that hadn’t been there before, and it startled me. “I’ve never actually seen you dance.”
“Well, if that’s what you really want…” I pulled my phone out of my purse and opened up the Spotify app. I turned on One Direction and slowly, nervously, dragged myself out of bed and onto the carpet.
I felt like such an idiot standing there dancing in front of him—wagging my shoulders, waving my arms, pointing at him and singing about how much I wanted him to love me. I wasn’t even really sure what I was doing, just moving my body to the beat of the music. It must have pleased him, though, because his smile got wider and wider as the song went on, and by the end, he was applauding ecstatically.
“Oh my word, that was amazing!” he exclaimed happily. “I’ve never seen anyone move like that.”
“Probably because it wasn’t very good.” My gray t-shirt and blue jeans were soaked through with sweat, and it was tempting just to take them off and toss them on the floor, but I held back. “But if you liked, that you’ll probably enjoy dating me because there’s going to be a lot of it.”
“I can’t wait.” He reached out with both arms and wrapped them around my waist, then lifted up my shirt a few inches and kissed me on the belly. I liked how it felt when he did that. Quietly beaming, I ran my fingers through his wavy, sweat-stained hair.
“This right here, it’s just nice,” I said with a contented air. “I like us, being here together—doing whatever it is that we’re doing.”
“Making love?”
I laughed awkwardly. “I guess you could call it that. Are you sure you’re not going to be totally grossed out when I take off my clothes?”
Darren tilted his head back and laughed. I laughed along with him without really knowing why. Already, I was beginning to feel better.
“Why would I be grossed out?” He bent over and kissed my knuckles. “Because you have a body?”
“Because I have a weird body, and I’m not nearly thin enough—”
“Babe, you weigh like six pounds.”
“… and my hips are too big, and my butt is too big, and I’ve got no boobs at all. Sorry if you were expecting, like, a model.”
Darren continued to smile in a way that made me feel warm and deliriously happy. “I guess you’ll just have to let me be the judge of that.”
“Okay, but just know that if I take off my clothes and you leave the room and never come back, I’m going to cry and cry.”
“That’s not likely to happen, and you know why?”
“Why?”
“Because I already think you’re perfect.”
Tucking his thumbs under my shirt, he began to lift it up, but he must have sensed my resistance because he stopped just as he reached my chest. Realizing that I actually wanted this, and that I’d been wanting it pretty much since he first walked through the door of the store, I pulled it the rest of the way off. Now, I was sitting on the edge of the bed in a white bra that was slightly too big for me and a pair of sweat-soaked blue jeans with holes in the knees. I could feel his eyes on me, taking in every inch of me.
“Hey,” I said quietly, feeling like the horrible disappointment I was.
“Hey,” he said, smiling. He traced one finger along the side of my tummy.
“Do you like my six-pack? It’s only a baby six-pack, but I’ve been working on it for ages at home and whenever I’m alone in the store.”
“You are—” he shook his head in surprise “—way hotter’n I was expecting.” Lowering me gently onto my back, he began hungrily kissing and lapping at my tummy like a dog that hadn’t been fed in ages. So this is it, I thought as I threaded my fingers through his hair and he licked my belly button. This is how it feels to be wanted.
“God, I love you, babe,” he moaned in a hopeless tone. I could tell he was holding himself back; it was taking all his restraint not to whip off his pants at that moment. He knew I was nervous, and he was trying to ease me into it. It was astonishingly thoughtful and selfless.
Finally, when he couldn’t stand anymore, he sat up on his knees on the bed and began taking his belt off. “Penny, are you ready for this?”
I nodded solemnly and slowly. “I am ready.”