Chapter Twenty-Four
Penny
I don’t think Darren entirely realized what it did to me when we slept together.
I couldn’t sleep much after I got home that night because I kept thinking of the look in his eyes when he lifted my chin and kissed me. I wanted to believe the promises he had whispered in the heat of passion. But I feared that eventually he would tire of our relationship and abandon me as Liam had. He didn’t seem to realize that what I was saying to him with my body was that I loved him and would never leave him unless he wanted me to. I would be faithful to him forever, for as long as he would have me.
I stayed up at the window for a couple of hours watching the stars burn holes in the night. Somehow, I doubted that Darren had had trouble sleeping that night. He hadn’t stayed up wondering whether this relationship would flame out after a few months, or whether we would get married and live in a house of our own. He wasn’t agonizing over what we would name our kids, if we had any. His pillow was dry, and his dreams were untroubled.
I envied him.
I couldn’t get to sleep no matter how hard I tried. At around 4:00am when I knew there was no hope of my getting to sleep that night, I put on a Taylor Swift album and danced. I danced for the husband I wanted and the children we might have had. I danced for the hope of a future where all the troubles of the present were forgotten. I was so tired and sore already, but I didn’t care. Caught up in the rhythm and the music, I hardly felt it. I sang as loud as I dared and danced, danced, danced.
I didn’t see Darren again for the rest of the week, and by Friday I was panicking. Nic must have sensed my distress, for she asked me about it over breakfast at Waffle House.
“Are you doing okay?” she asked. “You’ve barely spoken more than three words since we sat down.”
“I’m alright,” I replied. I turned my eyes to the window, on the other side of which a light rain was falling. “I just get scared when I haven’t heard from someone in a few days.”
“Has he spoken to you at all since Friday night?” I shook my head. “Have you tried texting him?”
“I’ve been waiting, sort of hoping he would text me. I like it when he texts me first. It makes me feel like he really cares about me.”
Nic glanced around and lowered her voice. “Didn’t he sleep with you on Friday?”
I shrugged. “Yes, but that doesn’t mean much if he doesn’t follow up. How would you like it if a boy wanted to sleep with you but would never talk to you?”
“It happens sometimes,” said Nic, blushing furiously.
“Maybe it does. But I don’t want to date one of those boys. I thought Darren was better than that. Sometimes I think we ought to ban men.”
We were silent for a moment while Nic studied me curiously. “There’s something so different about you lately,” she said. “I can’t put my finger on it.”
I brushed my hair back, feeling suddenly shy. “What do you mean?”
“You’re colder somehow, and there’s no emotion in your voice. You remind me of a woman who’s just gone through a nasty breakup and wants to burn down the world.”
I smiled at the exaggerated image. “Maybe not the whole world,” I said quietly and took a sip of my tea.
“Anyway, I hope you haven’t given up on Darren yet. At least text him before you decide the relationship is over and begin to plan your revenge.”
This was so funny to me that I nearly choked on my drink. “I love how you think I’m some kind of deranged, vengeful woman. If he decides to bail, there’s not much I can do about it. I’ve never been a really resentful person. When I feel betrayed or abandoned by someone, I’m more likely to turn inward and blame myself and spend the next eight months in a haze of depression.”
“I can see that,” said Nic.
“It’s happened before. I won’t even bother putting on makeup. I’ll wear my glasses for thirty days in a row instead of putting in my contacts. I’ll get in my car and drive out to my secret place and rest my head on the steering wheel and just cry for hours. But I won’t want to get revenge on the other person. I’ll just want them to come home.”
Nic seemed to be growing uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. She cast her eyes down on her plate and began to play with her fork. “Hey, how’s your dad doing?”
“He’s doing okay,” I replied. “Things have been fairly up and down this week. This morning, he was telling me stories from when I was born—how he brought me home from the hospital on the same day Mom was laid in the ground. He doesn’t seem as bitter about it as he used to. Lately, he’s been talking a lot about the old days. I think maybe he senses that we’re about to lose each other, in one way or the other.”
“Maybe so.” Nic shoved her plate away. “It’s weird how the passage of time can make us nostalgic for the most miserable times in our lives.”
“Who knows?” I said with a sad smile. “Maybe someday we’ll even look back fondly on this.”
We left Waffle House and drove to work through the rainy streets. A thin layer of mist hung over the fields like a blanket of low-lying cloud. I wasn’t looking forward to going and sitting behind a desk all day. Recently work bored me, and I spent the whole day watching the clock, counting the hours until I could go home and work on my book where love was taking shape and evil was being defeated.
During the first few days of that week, I had glanced up with a hopeful feeling whenever the doors opened. But it was never Darren, and by now I had given up hope. So when he strode up to the counter at noon, boyishly grinning, and slapped down a jar of double Dutch dark chocolate mix, I stared in surprise.
“What is this for?” I asked. “Are you just showing me?”
“No, silly,” Darren said with a laugh. “I bought it for you. I know how much you love double Dutch dark chocolate and figured you might like to have some for your cocoa in the mornings.”
Part of me wanted to fling it back at him for ignoring me all week, but I felt my heart swayed by the thoughtfulness of the gift. “Thank you.” I took it gingerly in both hands and placed it beside my purse. “I’ll drink it every morning and think of you.”
Darren smiled, looking rather pleased with himself. “Anyway, I’d been looking for an excuse to come visit you all week. But I figured if I just walked in without a reason, you’d think I was being a creeper.”
“Oh, Darren.” I could feel all the anger and self-protective hardness of the last few days melting away. Reaching across the counter, I touched his cheek lightly. “You know I don’t care if you come in just to see me.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said, drumming his fingers on the counter. “Hey, by the way! Dickie and I are going fishing tomorrow afternoon if you want to come.”
After feeling ignored by him all week, it was a relief to be invited out. “Sure, I would love to! Provided that Nic can come also.”
Nic shook her head furiously, but Darren and I both ignored her. “Well, cool!” said Darren, looking faintly surprised. “I guess I’ll meet y’all tomorrow at the shop at around noon.”
“Do we need to bring anything?” I asked, studiously avoiding Nic’s look of exasperation.
“Just your selves and your fishing gear. See you then.” He gave a salute, then turned and walked out the door into the rain.
I knew Nic’s freak-out would be epic, and she did not disappoint. “What were you thinking? What if I had had plans for tomorrow afternoon? Or tomorrow noon?”
“Nic, when have you ever had plans before midnight?”
Nic wanted to argue, but even she had to concede the fairness of this. “Anyway, fishing is about the most boring activity they could have possibly picked. I’ve just been drafting into spending my weekend doing the only thing duller than golf.”
“It might not be so bad,” I said. “You might even catch something.”
“If I catch anything other than a cold, I’ll consider it a win,” said Nic before returning to her inventory.