SEVENTEEN

 

It seemed like everyone and their dog knew about this thing with Will and his mystery man. Like everyone was talking about it, and on the one hand, he found it very interesting that no one seemed to be horrified that Will was seeing another man. That wasn’t their objection at all.

Judah had seen more than he had expected in this small town. More tolerance, more openness, more acceptance. He had looked out into his congregation and had seen Ben and Isaac. And this week, Judah had also seen Sam and Gunner, sitting there, just as welcome as everyone else was.

No, what people were talking about was this other man. He wasn’t from around here—it was generally agreed. No one knew him, and while this small town wasn’t unfriendly, they did tend to view anyone from away with a bit of suspicion. When they accepted someone, they did it completely, Judah had experienced that himself, but until then there would be gossip.

So who was this man, everyone wanted to know, who had been with Will in that coffee shop? Though Judah normally tried to keep himself above this sort of talk, and though he didn’t normally involve himself in gossip, Judah would have given a lot to know the answer to the questions that swirled around the basement during the coffee time which happened after the church service.

It wasn’t any of his business.

That had been made clear. Will had refused to even look at Judah the last time they’d met, and Judah was starting to get an idea, an unpleasant picture forming in his head. Had Will gotten all that he wanted from Judah? When they’d slept together, had that been all that Will was after?

Or had Judah, who was so inexperienced, just been so bad that Will had been turned off? Or was it something else? After all, Will and Judah had made no commitments to each other, and if Will didn’t want this to continue, Judah could hardly force him to.

“Dad said I could come over,” a familiar voice said, and Judah turned to look at Stephen, who was gazing earnestly at Sheila. “Is it okay with you?”

“Of course, sweetheart,” the kind-hearted woman replied, and it was then that the beginnings of a plan started to form in Judah’s heart. He didn’t even acknowledge it at first, but it was happening.

Stephen was going somewhere else. Will might be somewhere else, with someone else, but there was always a chance that he wasn’t. Right then and there, Judah knew what he had to do. Maybe it was pointless, hopeless, but he at least had to try.

He couldn’t take this anymore. If there was just really no hope at all with Will, if Will did want someone else, then Judah needed to know so that he could get to the business of recovering from his very first heartbreak.

It was time to make this official, whatever it was. Anything, even having no hope at all, had to be better than just not knowing.

 

* * *

When Will opened the door, he was alone. Although Judah had half expected for Will to open the door with some gorgeous man hanging off of him, or perhaps not to open the door at all, he found that bracing himself for that wasn’t enough to keep him steady once he was face to face with this man.

Will looked distracted, and it took his eyes a moment to focus on Judah. They looked at each other, and Will, at least, didn’t look upset to see him. His face was actually fairly blank, though he sighed softly as Judah just looked at him, trying to figure out the right words to say.

He should have considered that on the way over, probably. He’d had time, so how had he neglected that one step? He had just been utterly fixated on getting here.

“I guess you have some questions for me,” Will commented, and he moved aside so that Judah could step into his house. He didn’t even seem surprised that Judah was there at all, he noticed.

“You were expecting me,” Judah realized, and Will sighed and nodded, leading the way to the living room.

“Yes, eventually. Sit down.” Will seated himself, and Judah, strangely aware of his body, from the bottoms of his feet to the tips of his toes right to the crown of his head, dropped down into the armchair while Will settled on the couch. More than anything, Judah wanted to sit beside him, but he was too timid, too unsure about what Will would do, how this conversation would go.

“Is it true?” Judah asked, and he meant for his voice to come out matter of fact, just asking for information, but even to him it didn’t sound that way. He sounded like he was begging, pleading for it not to be true, and that might seem pathetic to him later, but right then he was wrapped up in Will’s face.

“I’m assuming you mean about Jack.”

Six words and they were enough to drop a full bucket of ice down Judah’s throat, spreading cold in their wake until they nested finally in the pit of his stomach. From the inside out, Judah seemed to freeze, and he just nodded in response, unable to speak.

“Small towns,” Will muttered, seemingly almost to himself, and Judah didn’t let his eyes look away from the other man for so much as a second. “Yes. It’s true. I guess someone must have seen me with Jack.”

There were so many questions suddenly. Who was Jack? Had Will just been planning never to tell him? It certainly seemed that way, like he had been forced into it because of the size of the town and the gossip of its inhabitants. What did Judah mean to Will, that was another question that he would love to be brave enough to ask.

One at a time, that was the trick, and maybe he would be able to keep his sanity if he kept that in mind.

“Who is Jack?”

There. That came out nice and calm and even, and the faint tremor in his voice, he trusted, wouldn’t be audible to Will. Information, that was all that he was after.

“Jack is Stephen’s other father. Or he was.”

When Judah simply looked at him, Will sighed and kept going, which was good because Judah had just about used up all of his calm logic. This was his first time in love, and he was sure that he wasn’t dealing with it very well at all.

“He walked out on us when Stephen was four. I told you about him, I think. He was very religious and ashamed to be with me.” Although Will didn’t sound like he was accusing Judah of anything, he couldn’t help but wince back a little, like he’d been slapped, when Will said those words.

He knew someone else who was ashamed to be open about being gay. He knew him because he shared the same skin as him.

“He was also an alcoholic. I guess he always drank a fair bit, but when I told him that I wanted a child, he started drinking more than ever. Once Stephen came along, Jack wasn’t around much anymore. Usually, he was at a bar, or at a friend’s house. Drinking.”

Odd how Will recounted this all like he was talking about something that he’d seen on TV or in a movie. Not something which had happened to him, which had deeply hurt him, although deep in the darkest, most secret places of his eyes, Judah could swear that he saw the pain lurking.

“But now he’s back?” Judah prompted because Will had lapsed into his own thoughts, seemingly.

“I suppose he is,” Will sighed heavily, and Judah frowned, not sure what to make of that.

“It doesn’t sound exactly like a joyous reunion,” he pointed out, or was it just that he so badly wanted it not to be?

“It’s not,” Will told him bluntly, and Judah couldn’t help the soft sigh that escaped his lips. “I got over him a long time ago. But he wants to be a part of Stephen’s life, and I can’t figure out if I should let that happen or not. I don’t want to hurt him, and …”

Something inside of Judah, some sort of dam that had been just barely holding his emotions in check, it gave way suddenly, springing leaks in a thousand places before letting go all at once. Judah was flooded with a deeply complicated mixture of emotions. Relief. Happiness. Release of tension. Anger, mostly with himself. Worry, for Will’s complicated situation.

And jealousy.

Will didn’t seem interested in being with Jack, but there was a reason that this Jack had come back into Will’s life, and Judah would be willing to bet that it wasn’t all about Stephen. After all, who, having had Will, would be able just to give him up forever?

It was far too viable, too likely, that Jack could try to get Will back, and there had been just enough pain in Will’s eyes when he spoke of Jack to make Judah think that there might just be a chance. Will must have cared about Jack once, or he wouldn’t have had a child with him, he wouldn’t have been with him at all.

It was all too much, and Judah suddenly burst out of his chair, hands going to Will’s shoulders, climbing on top of him and straddling his hips as he pinned him against the back of the couch. Will’s lips parted in a gasp of surprise, and Judah took advantage, pushing his tongue aggressively into Will’s hot mouth, tangling his fingers into that neat, dark hair and messing it up with his touch as he kissed him as hard as he could.

How hard he got so quickly, that confused him. The kiss had been mostly claiming behavior, he supposed, but the moment that their lips touched, Judah was ready to go. He groaned as he pinned Will back, his hands everywhere as he tried to stoke a fire in the older man, as he tried somehow to make Will want Judah as badly as Judah wanted him.

Will was surprised, and who wouldn’t be? Judah wasn’t exactly experienced, but he knew that it probably wasn’t entirely usual to have someone fling themselves at you and kiss you like their life depended on it. But after a brief, breathless moment when Will just lay slack under him, Judah felt the other man stir, felt his hips tilt up to make contact with Judah, felt the welcome grasp of hands on the curve of his ass.

They rocked together, and Judah felt it when Will started to harden under him. This, at least, was okay between them. The sex. Maybe it was all that Will wanted him for, but Judah would take what he could get.

Determined, Judah plucked at Will’s clothing, tugging off his shirt, revealing that slender, leanly muscled torso. His hands worshiped it, traced every angle and curve, teasing at the nipples in the way that he knew Will loved. He had made a study of this man’s body, of what made sex good for him, and he shamelessly used all of those tricks now.

“Judah, wait, hold on,” Will gasped, his hands still on Judah’s ass. It took an effort, but Judah managed to push the haze, the fury, of the desire from his mind, from his aching body, long enough that he could stop in his attempts to strip Will and take him right there.

“What?” he said, only he didn’t really say anything. It came out more as a low, deep, needy growl, the sort of sound that he had never expected to hear coming from his own throat and lips.

“What are you doing?” Will asked, which was a reasonable question, Judah supposed. Although what he was doing, that was pretty obvious. It was the why he was doing this that was more of a mystery, even to himself.

“I need you.”

Judah slid up off of Will, taking a moment just to gaze down at him. At that moment, there could be no doubt that Will, despite his confusion, wanted Judah, too. That something in Will reacted to Judah the same way that Judah always reacted to him.

Will was a mess, dark hair all over the place, pale skin flushed a delicate pink, eyes practically giving off sparks. His cock strained at the front of his jeans, and Judah groaned and went on his knees, splaying Will’s legs apart and settling between them as he went for the other man’s zipper.

I need you.

It was true, so true that it hurt. He needed Will, and for more than just sex, though he hoped that Will would just take it that way and not get scared. Judah needed Will for so much, but if sex was what he could hope for, then he would take it and do his best to find it enough.

His fingers scraped over the flesh of Will’s cock, and even through the thick denim, Judah could feel the heat, the slight dampness, of Will’s erection. Will moaned, the most beautiful, desperate sound that Judah had ever heard, and shoved his hips up with a roughness that showed Judah just how much Will had been holding himself back.

“I need you,” Will whispered, echoing the words that Judah had just said, and that was enough for Judah. He had the zipper down in a second. The jeans pulled down just enough to free Will, and ditto with his boxers.

Once he had that done, it was the work of seconds for Judah to swallow him down, to slip his lips along the shaft until they were locked around the base of Will’s beautiful cock. He sucked him deep, using everything that he had learned about Will’s body, about the sensitive place right on the underside of his cockhead, about the way he loved it when Judah played with his balls as he sucked him, to try to drive Will crazy.

Will’s hands clenched at the back of Judah’s head, pulling him down further, and Judah took it. He fought off the need to breathe, at least for the moment, so that he could take those thrusts, which started off slow and so careful that Judah felt Will shaking. Judah tightened his lips, and then Will lost control.

And that was exactly what Judah wanted. He had so little claim over this man, and it would be nice to have something, whatever he could. At least he could make Will make those sexy noises. At least he could feel his desperation and know that he was giving him pleasure.

“Judah. Touch yourself.”

There was an odd tone to Will’s voice, something that Judah had never heard before from him. Something hungry and demanding, which Judah couldn’t help but respond to.

His hand, the one not fondling Will’s balls, slid down to cup his own cock. He had largely been ignoring how it throbbed and pulsed, but he could hardly avoid it once he was caressing himself, gripping himself through his pants.

“No.” Will’s voice was patient, but there was a sort of strain to it, too, like he was barely holding back. Judah could definitely understand that. He felt like he could shoot off just from touching himself like this. “Open them. Take out your cock, baby. I want to see you come.”

Just hearing Will speak like that was enough to make it almost happen right then and there. Judah moaned, and his body tensed up, and in a split second he had his zipper down, his proper black pants pulled aside so that his cock could jut free.

Will had called him baby. For that, Judah found that he would do anything.

He clenched his hand around his dick, knowing that he was barely going to have to move it at all. He would come, the slightest stimulation would see to that, and he whimpered softly around Will’s dick as he held himself, his eyes focused upward on Will.

I love you.

He would have said the words if his mouth wasn’t full. He had never been so overwhelmed with love before, never been fascinated by the tiniest detail about another man. Yes, he would have said them, and he would have meant them, so it was probably a good thing, as uncertain as all of this was between them, that he couldn’t.

“Judah!” Will’s voice was low, hoarse, urgent, and his cock pulsed and sent a steady stream of precome into Judah’s mouth, salty and sweet and coating his tongue. “Judah, I’m going to …”

And then he did. Right at the same moment when Judah’s own release became inevitable, Will was coming, shooting his fluids deep into Judah’s mouth. Will’s cries of pleasure filled the air just as his come filled Judah’s mouth, and Judah shuddered through the waves of his own release, seeing nothing at that moment other than the deep, green-brown pools of Will’s eyes.

They filled his vision, filled his heart. They redeemed him and drowned him all at the same time. When Judah finally detached himself from Will’s cock, he looked down at himself, at the pearly white droplets of his release staining his pants until he brushed them away. The smell of sex, of male sweat and arousal and fulfillment, filled the air, making his head spin.

“Judah,” Will finally whispered, while Judah stayed on his knees, one hand still cupping the sweet fullness of Will’s balls in his palm. “Judah, I told Stephen to be home for supper.”

Judah groaned softly but nodded. He understood. It was getting late in the afternoon, and he pulled away, hands shaking as he tried to pull his underwear up and fasten his pants and generally just pull himself together.

It was still early enough that it was unlikely that Stephen would walk in on them, but the later it got, the more possible it was. Besides, Will probably had to make dinner still, and a dull sense of hopeless longing went through him when he thought of Stephen and Will sitting down to a meal which Will had prepared.

Hadn’t he just told himself that he would be okay with just sex? Hadn’t he said that he would be satisfied with that? It seemed he was a liar, if only in his own head, because what he wanted was a home, a family, domestic as well as physical bliss.

In short, he wanted so many things all of a sudden that a man in his position could never have. Not with another man, anyway. And the force of it threatened to choke him, make his eyes burn, his hands tremble.

“Come back later?”

That, Judah hadn’t expected. But when he turned around, Will was looking at him and there was no trace of mockery on his face. It was earnest and sincere, and Judah took a deep breath but nodded a little bit.

“Okay,” he managed, and Will smiled at him, one of those real, deep, sincere smiles that seemed all the more beautiful for how rare they were. It reached every bit of his face, deep into his eyes, and made Judah yearn even more for things that he could never have.

“When Stephen’s back and asleep,” Will whispered, his eyes full of promise. “I’ll text you, and then we can have all night. No interruptions.”

It didn’t actually change anything, Judah told himself, trying to fight back the treacherous surge of hope that rose in him at those words. As he left, he reminded himself firmly that he had already known that Will wanted him for sex. This wasn’t news to him.

Who was he kidding, though? As he left Will’s house, his heart was beating, drumming so rapidly that he could feel it in his pulse points without even needing to focus on it. His feet, despite all of his confusion, barely seemed to touch the ground, and he found himself humming, his lips quirked up in a smile.

He had come here to get an answer, and hadn’t he gotten something like one? Will didn’t exactly give the impression of someone who would idly invite someone to spend the night, especially not with Stephen home.

This had to mean something to Will, and if that was true, then Judah could be patient in finding out what it was. It wasn’t going to be easy, and he had been so convinced that he would have the answers when he walked out of Will’s house, but he could do it.

He hoped.