FIVE

 

The kids were going to be able to hear his heart beating right through his ribcage, he was sure of it. People the next county over might be able to hear it, he thought, and he had to avoid Stephen’s eyes when the young man, chattering happily with Jesse and apparently oblivious to the fact that Ruby was watching them with a flirtatious look on her face, came into the room.

Had Judah really almost done that? Had he really almost kissed a man, and not just any man, but a man that was the father of a person that he very much hoped would be central to one of the many plans that he had for getting this church really, truly going? For having it be the center of town, a place where anyone felt safe?

The worst part was, it hadn’t just been a momentary lapse. Judah had wanted it, and even as he pulled away from Will, part of him wanted to hook his fingers behind the other man’s neck, to kiss him right there in front of God and the kids and whoever else wanted to watch.

Impossible, of course. Judah doubted he could make himself do it, but the temptation was there. So there was only one thing for him to do, the one thing that he could always count on. That would be work, and it just so happened that he was working right now, so it should be easy to distract himself.

Only Judah could swear that he could feel the weight of Will’s eyes on him, making him acutely aware of his own body in a way that he usually wasn’t. He could practically see Will’s face hovering in front of him, distracting him terribly with a slightly teasing look in his eyes, lips slightly parted as he leaned in.

It was probably nothing. Will had probably not even been about to kiss him. So Judah put it out of his mind, or that was the theory, anyway. In practice, it was a little bit different, and as he faced the rows of kids, he forced his eyes to stay away from Will, who was perched on the edge of one of the couches, just watching. Exactly as arranged.

It was probably important for him to remember that Will was someone who didn’t like him. And someone who could impact him with that dislike, too, just to make things more complicated.

“Um, Pastor Judah?” Ruby spoke up, and Judah turned his attention back to the throng of kids. And a throng it was. There were, Judah realized upon doing a quick headcount, twenty-five children between the ages of about ten to Stephen, who was fourteen. He hadn’t expected this sort of turnout, not in the slightest.

“Yes, Ruby?” Judah was pretty glad to hear that his voice didn’t shake when he spoke. Maybe this wasn’t getting to him as much as he thought it was, or so he thought until he caught his eyes going back over toward Will. Always toward Will, some force pulling him back in a way that Judah could no more resist, it seemed, than he could resist the urge to breathe.

Was this what desire, what lust, what attraction, really felt like? He had felt whispers of this, mere inklings, but never anything that took control of him to this level. When Will was around, Judah was aware of him. It wasn’t anything he could control.

“I don’t understand my part …”

Or, more likely, Ruby wanted to draw attention back to herself. A certain young musical prodigy wasn’t paying attention to her, had his nose buried in his sheet music, which Judah had just handed out.

Still, it wasn’t a bad idea, and Judah nodded to her.

“I’ll demonstrate.” And he did, singing the simple, pretty melody. “That’s the soprano part, but I’ll use it to figure out what parts all of you should be singing.”

There. That was a little bit better, pulling him out of his daze and into something far more useful. And yet, now and then, despite his best efforts, his gaze would slip back to Will, and he would have to draw them back with a force of pure will.

The more the practice went on, the more he found himself looking, and what made it so much more difficult was that Will was usually looking right back at him. Maybe it was just that Will was still distrustful of him, still contemplating taking Stephen away.

Somehow, Judah didn’t think so. Not when he remembered how close they had come to kissing. He might not know very much about this sort of thing, so he couldn’t be completely sure, but he knew what it had felt like.

It seemed to take forever, and Judah wanted it to be over. Or he never wanted it to be over. He honestly wasn’t sure which. But time carried on regardless of which one it was, and soon enough, parents were coming to pick up their kids and Judah was wrapped in a swarm of adults, all of whom were congratulating him on this idea. A choir, he was assured over and over again, was exactly what this town needed.

“We need to get you married and settled down here,” one woman said, and while no one else was bold enough to say those words out loud, there were quite a few nods of approval to her suggestion.

Married. And probably to a woman, because he was fairly certain nothing else would be accepted. A little of the golden shimmer which had seemed to settle over the whole evening died away then, and it was a relief when they all filed out.

Will was the last to go, and he gave Judah a bit of a look before sighing, resignation in his gaze.

“I’m going to regret this,” he said, and despite his words and that sigh, there seemed to be a hint of something flirtatious in his voice. Maybe? “But Stephen can stay.”

So that was something, anyway. But he still couldn’t help but look at Will with helpless longing as the man and his talented son walked out of the church basement.

 

* * *

 

Out of the church basement, maybe, but not out of his mind. Later that night, in the tiny apartment which was still filled with a few boxes that he hadn’t even had time to unpack yet, Will came back into his mind’s eye with a vengeance.

Not the Will who had snarled at him and had tried his best to pick a fight, nor even the Will who was a single father, determined to take care of his son at whatever cost. It was a Will that Judah had only seen glimpses of, a Will who looked at him with approval and desire in his big hazel eyes, a Will who smiled seductively at him as he slipped off his clothes …

Judah was lying in bed, but he sat up with a start when his mind started to go there. With a soft, annoyed growl, he flung himself out from under the covers and stalked off to the bathroom, where he turned the shower on hot and strong. Maybe he could burn this out of himself, this forbidden desire.

When he stepped into the spray, though, letting it wash over his face, his body, down to his cock, which was more than half hard just from the turn that his treacherous thoughts had been taking, all he could think about was Will. Maybe Will in the shower with him, sparkling with droplets of water, his body tight and toned as he knew that it must be, just by the way Will carried himself. Will with his dark hair blackened to midnight by the shower, messy and hanging on his smirking face, though Judah had certainly never seen that before. Will always kept his hair slicked severely back, from what he’d seen.

But this was a different Will, a Will who only existed in his imagination. A Will who stood back and just let Judah watch as his fingers drifted down to the hardened length between his legs, a Will who teased himself and Judah both in a way that no one had ever done to Judah before, a way which only could come from his imagination.

It was hopeless. No matter how he tried to change his thoughts, no matter how hard he focused on trying to think about something, anything, else, he went back to Will. And Will, the Will in his mind, anyway, encouraged him, smiling enticingly, stroking himself as he leaned against the shower wall while his eyes seemed to beckon Judah on, encouraging him to do the same.

With a soft groan of surrender, Will wrapped his fingers around his own erection, stroking himself briefly. That was all it took, a few rapid thrusts of his hips, his cock, slick with the water and his own precome, slipping into his palm once, twice, and then he was crying out, his back arching as the pleasure ripped through him and left him panting as he reclined against the wall of the shower.

It wasn’t the first time that he’d touched himself, but it was the first time that it had been so good. The first time that he had been able to see something in his imagination that had made the whole process utterly irresistible.

And it had been Will. Will, maybe the worst possible person in a sea of impossible people. Will, in truth, who had left Judah gasping and moaning as little aftershocks of pleasure rushed through his whole body, centered on his sensitive cock, still mostly hard, and his heavy balls, which still felt so full.

Will who could easily have Judah needing to put his hands on himself again when usually, that was a temptation that he had very little problem avoiding. Will, who didn’t even like him, and who would probably be amused, or maybe disgusted, or both, if he knew what Judah had been doing here tonight.

With a groan, he slid out of the shower which hadn’t helped at all. Even though he had just come, he was still thinking about Will, and wondering when the next time he would see him would be. If ever.