Chapter 28 — Pam

I was so excited about coming home for the holidays. Over the last five months, I had heard so many amazing things about my daughter’s new life as a med student, and I was thrilled to see it all first hand. However, as I opened the front door my enthusiasm about being back was quickly diminished.

“Jess . . . Please, open up,” I heard Ben say from upstairs.

With a frown forming between my brows, looked up at the second story where my half naked—fake—husband was banging on my daughter’s bedroom door. Worry instantly gripped at me, but before I could order my feet to take a step towards the stairs Ben’s voice echoed again, and my whole body froze.

“C’mon, baby. I’ve been standing here for over half an hour, just talk to me.”

The anguish in his voice was something I had never heard before and though it tugged at my heartstrings, hearing him call my daughter baby made my blood boil. Needing to know more before jumping into action, I held my breath and kept my gaze focused on Ben as he placed his hands on either side of the door frame and hung his head.

I stood immobile, as to not draw attention to myself, and waited along with him for what seemed like forever. Still, Jessica didn’t open the door. I kept waiting for him to notice me or walk away from her door, but he didn’t. He just stood there, looking like half the man I knew.

Confusion filled my heart. I wanted to run upstairs and demand explanations, but at the same time, I felt like I should wait and see what he would do. So, I waited. And then I waited a little more. Then, after a few more minutes, just as Ben’s wide shoulders sagged and a loud and desperate exhale echoed through the huge house, the door finally opened.

“Thank you for opening the door,” Ben said with relief in his voice.

There was a moment of silence, then Jessica said, “I didn’t open because of you. I have a party to go to, and so do you and your wife.”

The bite and resentment in Jessica’s voice at that last word, the one that was intrinsically connected to me, was something I didn’t expect or enjoyed. My frown deepened even more just as Ben’s voice echoed down the stairs again.

“I don’t care about parties and, despite how good of a friend Pam is, I don’t care about her either. I just care about you. Stay here and talk to me.”

Jessica let out a sharp huff and said, “Now you want me to stay?”

“I always want you to stay, baby. You know that.”

There was honesty underneath Ben’s tone, but it only seemed to make Jessica madder. “Do you, Benjamin? Do you really? Because my clothes beg to differ.”

Another one of those audible sighs echoed down the stairs, and the muscles on Ben’s back rolled as he ran a hand through this hair. “I know you’re upset, and you have every right to be. Moving you out of our room was a dickhead move, and I already regret it. Letting you walk away the way you did, was even worst. You have to believe me, baby.”

“I do believe you, Ben,” she growled. Then, she fell silent for a few moments. When she spoke again, her voice was calmer but defeated. “I can see in your eyes how sad you are, but that doesn’t change anything. These last five months have made me really happy. You’ve made me really happy, but I don’t want to lie and sneak around my mom anymore. It makes me sad and sick to my stomach, and since you still put your career and that stupid arrangement you two have above everything I don’t see how we can go on.”

“I don’t—” Ben started, but never got to finish as Jessica cut him off.

“You do, and I want to be with a man who’ll put my needs first, especially when they’re as basic as not having to feel jealous of my own mother. I want to be with a man who loves me and not just likes me, and who’ll go with me to a party like a regular boyfriend. Above all, I want a man who chooses me, even when it’s a hard choice. Despite your regret, your actions today proved that you’re not that man.”

The emotion and tension passing between the two of them made my heart beat so fast I felt dizzy. On one side, I hated Ben for not keeping his promise and making my girl hurt as much as she clearly was. However, now that I knew he was the real reason why Jessica had been so happy, I couldn’t help but worship Ben for making her feel like that and hate myself for being the stone in their step.

With tears in my eyes, I quietly backed out of the house and closed the door behind me. I walked away from the door and leaned against a nearby tree. Still completely conflicted, I closed my eyes and tried to think about what to do.

My anguished mind went back and forth between making a scene and divorcing Ben for being an asshole and returning to my home in Paris so they could be happy again. Before I could come up with any sort of real plan, however, I heard the door opening and felt a chill go down my spine. Forcing a smile to my lips, I pushed away from the tree and grabbed my suitcase to pretend I had just arrived. Half a second later, Jess appeared at the threshold.

“Mom!” she exclaimed, doing a great job at pretending she didn’t know I was coming. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

Knowing that I couldn’t tell her that I had overheard her and Ben and, therefore, knew she was lying I played along.

“Surprise!” I yelled with an enthusiasm I didn't quite feel as I ran to hug her. Her slender arms curled around my shoulders with the same desperation her five years old self used after a nasty nightmare. Smoothing her longish hair, I kept my voice extra gentle and said, “I had some days off and decided to come spend Christmas with my favorite daughter.”

She pulled away from me and gave me a broad—and clearly fake—smile. “I’m your only daughter, but that’s still awesome. I’m so happy you’re here.”

After everything I had just heard, I knew she was lying. I guess that was what we did now. After almost twenty-three years of truth and friendship, we were the kind of mother and daughter duo that had secrets and awkwardness. I hated it, and I hated myself for putting us into this situation, but still, I put on a fake ass smile and lied right back.

“Me too, baby.” Hoping to steer this conversation to safer and less painful topics, I looked her up and down and raised a brow. She looked Christmas gorgeous in a short, long sleeve red dress with emerald green pumps and some bold pieces of gold jewelry. “You look beautiful.”

A smile that was a bit more honest crept on Jess’ lips as she shrugged. “Mallory, my friend from school, is throwing this red, green and gold party at her house.”

“That sounds fun,” I assured her in the same smiley tone I usually used.

“Yeah,” she agreed with sadness in her eyes. “But I don’t have to go if you don’t want me to. I can stay here and hang out with you.”

Knowing my daughter as well as I did, I could see her eyes begging me to let her go just as clearly as I saw the self-loathing she felt for feeling that way. With everything I had just overheard, I understood perfectly well why she felt that way. Staying with me, meant staying with Ben and his wife, and even though we all knew we weren’t actually married, I was still the one in their way.

A part of me wanted to walk into the house and murder Ben for causing all this trouble, but deep down, I knew he wasn’t the one to blame for Jessica’s pain. I was. I was the one who had brought him into her life. I was the one who forbade him to pursue her even though I had absolutely no feelings for him. And, I was also the one who left, leaving him as her only companion at home.

Realizing that I had put the pained expression on my daughter’s face was like a punch to the gut. I knew I had to do something to make things better, but I didn’t know what. I couldn’t hold her and tell her everything was going to be alright without telling her I had overheard a personal conversation—something I definitely couldn’t do. I also couldn’t ask her what was wrong because I knew she would just lie again, and that would hurt both of us even more. I was literally between a rock and a hard place, I had no one to blame but myself.

“No, honey,” I said with a shake of my head and tears rimming my eyes. “You go have fun, and we’ll hang out tomorrow.”

She let out a sigh of relief and smiled. “Okay. Have fun at the office party with Ben.” The tiniest frown formed between her brows and, despite hesitating for a second, she added, “He’s in a bit of a mood today, and will probably end up drinking too much. Don’t let him drink , okay?”

“I won’t,” I said with an appreciative smile curling my lips.

With that, Jess hugged me once again, said how good it was to have me back and then walked towards her car, leaving me alone and heartbroken in the driveway. I waved her goodbye and then took a deep breath before carrying my small suitcase back towards the house’s front door.

It had been months since I last found the place intimidating, but today I did. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the house itself or the decision I had to make, but I felt incredibly small as I pushed those massive doors open and walked into the large entryway of what was essentially my daughter’s house.

“Jess?” Ben’s voice echoed from the stairway before I even closed the door. His tone was sadder and more anguished than it was during their argument and it tugged at my soft heart yet again.

“No, just me,” I said after a deep breath as I turned around to look at him.

Ben tried and failed not to look too disappointed as he made his way, still bare-chested, down the stairs. “Welcome, dear,” he greeted me with a fake smile. “You’ve just missed Jessica.”

“I saw her just outside, actually.” Wanting to test him and reassure myself that the feelings he had demonstrated during their argument were true, I added, “She looked gorgeous.”

Although he smiled, I had a distinct feeling that my comment and his expression were hurting him. It eased the uneasiness in my chest a little bit and made me surer that I had to find a way to make things right for them. I had no idea how I would go about doing that, but I knew it was something that had to be done.

“How was your trip?” he asked, promptly changing the subject.

Since I didn’t have a plan and was still unsure how to approach the Jessica situation, I breathed a sigh of relief and replied, “It was good. A little bumpy, but sitting back and relaxing instead of calming passengers was a treat. Thanks for upgrading my ticket, by the way. You didn’t have to do that.”

He waved a hand as if it was nothing—because to him, it really was—and grabbed my suitcase. It felt odd to see Ben doing the handy work instead of calling his butler for help, but it was a good change. It was one that showed growth, and that eased a bit more of my uneasiness regarding him and Jessica.

We walked in an awkward silence for half of the stairwell. Then, in a tired tone, he asked, “Are you well rested enough for the party? The board expects to see you, but if you want to stay and rest I can tell them you weren’t feeling well.”

Not knowing if he was saying that for my or his benefit, I shrugged. “I’ll be okay after a nice, warm shower.”

Ben smiled and nodded, then continued to walk in silence to my bedroom door. With a long inhale, he placed my suitcase on the floor and smiled—the same fake, weak smile Jessica gave me just seconds ago.

“It’s good to have you home, Pam. See in a few minutes.”

With that lie, he turned around and walked away. As I watched him go, I felt, once again, the weight of the mess we had created and decided it was my responsibility to make things right not only for Jessica but also for Ben’s father who only wished to see his son happy.

Still in the hallway, I closed my eyes and sent out a prayer for Ben’s dad, hoping he would help me in this task. For some reason, when I opened them again, my heart was lighter, and I was filled with hope. Holding on to that feeling, I opened my bedroom door and went to get ready, excited to see my baby girl happy and start the new chapter of all of our lives.