Chapter 29 – Ben

We got to the party, and I did all the things I was expected to do. I walked around with my hand on Pam’s waist, introduced her as my wife to whoever approached us for a conversation, gave a beautiful Christmas speech that made me people laugh and cheer, and even danced several songs with my wife. As per usual, Pam was beautiful in a fitted red dress and high heels, extremely charming to the board members and fun company to have around which helped make the night not terrible. Still, every second made my skin crawl with anguish.

I kept imagining Jessica alone at a college party, dancing and drinking and having fun without me which made me want to poke my eyes out or scream. My body buzzed with an intense need to go after her and make things right, but something in me kept me from turning that need into action.

Honestly, the thing holding me back was no longer Pam’s threat of divorce. Although divorcing her with less than six months to go would suck, it didn’t signify the end of my world anymore. Hearing Jessica say she was done with me and seeing her walk away, made me aware that the only thing I truly wanted in life was her. The joys of my company, my fortune, and my position meant nothing if I couldn’t share those things with her. Without her, life was empty and lonely in a way I had never experienced before—in a way I never wanted to experience again.

However, although I no longer feared the divorce, I feared disappointing a dear friend and damaging Pam and Jessica’s relationship even more than I already had. After forty years of caring very little about others, I found myself caring a whole lot about these two women and hurting them, in any way, made me feel like shit left in the sun.

Tormented beyond measure and unable to stand in the circle of executives I was in for even a second longer, excused myself, told Pam—who was talking to a few of the wives nearby—that I was going to get a refill and practically ran to the outside bar. Thank goodness it was a little less crowded than the one inside the huge tent where the party was taking place. As soon as I arrived at the mirrored structure by the water fountain, I ordered a triple shot of scotch and dropped my head into my hand as I tried to calm my mind and catch my breath.

“You don’t look like you’re enjoying the party,” a familiar voice said close enough to my ear to make goosebumps erupt in my skin.

Knowing that my already shitty night was about to make a sharp turn to the worse, I pulled in a long inhale and almost choked with the stench of alcohol coming from her. I opened my eyes and turned my face to look at Vanessa who was wearing a highly inappropriate dress for an office party and almost groaned at how drunk she was.

“And you look like you’re enjoying it a bit too much,” I retorted, completely out of patience, and removed the wine glass from her hand.

“Hey,” she protested, loud enough that her voice carried over the loud music. “Give that back. It’s bad enough you stopped fucking me. Don’t take away the only fun I still have.”

My face heated and my jaw set with anger. I handed her glass to the bartender who returned with my scotch and dismissed him as soon as the glasses were exchanged.

I held Vanessa’s gaze until we were alone—or as alone as we could get at a party—and said, “Shut the fuck up. This isn’t a kegger at a frat house, Vanessa. This is a work party. You’re here to build your reputation and make connections, not get wasted and embarrass yourself.”

“Do you think being drunk is embarrassing?” she asked with a sarcastic huff. “Embarrassing is being called by another woman’s name while you’re being screwed on a desk and then getting dumped for no good reason. Embarrassing is having the whole office know you only got a permanent job because you used to fuck the boss and still dress slutty in the off chance he might notice you. But you didn’t. I danced for you, I got drunk for you, I did everything to get your attention, but you still didn’t even see me.”

Her words left me speechless and very confused. It had been months since I last saw her and the idea that she was still hung up on me was completely crazy. Crazier, however, was the fact that seconds after her mouth shut her hand reached out to grab my crotch. In public. At a goddamned office party.

“Fuck, no!” I barked and slapped her hand away as I got up from my stool. “Get some coffee and go home, Vanessa. I’ve already apologized for hurting you, but I’m in a committed relationship, and you have no business touching me the way you just did.”

Vanessa stared at me with hurt in her eyes. Her posture made her look even younger than she was, like a sullen child who didn’t get the toy she wanted. It was disgusting and made me feel sick that I ever saw my sweet Jessica in her. As I continued to stare at her, her gaze shifted from me to somewhere behind my back and a petulant smirk formed on her full lips.

“Are you the wife or Jessica?” she asked, and a cold wave ran down my back.

I looked over my shoulder and saw Pam standing just a few feet away with worry in her eyes. Without looking at me, she said, “I’m the wife. Who are you?”

“Vanessa. The intern your husband used to fuck,” she slurred. “He called me Jessica while he did it, so he was actually cheating on you with two women.”

I kept my eyes focused on Pam as I tried to think about a way to get myself out of this fucking mess. I knew my options were very limited, but something had to be done. I had already lost too much today. I wasn’t going to allow this little drunken bitch to take even more away from me.

I looked around in search of a security guard who could take Vanessa away. Before I could find one, Pam’s voice reached my ears.

“Do I look like I care, sweetie?”

The question and the casual tone in which it was delivered made me turn to look at my wife. Her face was relaxed, and there was even a small smile on her lips. Not knowing if she was a great actress or drunk, I waited patiently for her to continue.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but Benji and I have an open marriage,” she continued casually, shocking the shit out of both me and Vanessa. “We take care of each other and have a wonderful relationship, but I don’t care who he’s sleeping with just as he doesn’t care that I’ve been screwing a French pilot named Jacques for the last three months. So, if your plan was to get your revenge on him by outing his affair, I’m sorry to inform that you’ve failed. You can go now.”

Vanessa looked just as mystified by Pam’s words as I was. Despite the dread, I felt over the clusterfuck I was in, I couldn’t help but smile as my former lover opened and closed her mouth a few times with indignation before uttering a few choice words and walking away.

Once we were finally alone, and Pam looked at me, the smirk quickly slipped away from my lips. She didn’t look angry—which was strange considering the Jessica bomb Vanessa had dropped on us—but I was nervous just the same.

“I can explain,” I said in a firm but careful voice.

She raised a brow and called the bartender. While he walked over to us, she said, “You better. I can’t believe you slept with an employee, Ben. That’s rookie stuff.”

“A mistake, of course,” I replied after she asked for a martini. “But it was a long time ago, and I broke things off with Vanessa because I fell in love with her.”

Her eyes widened, and her perfectly manicured index finger pointed sideways. “With that girl?”

I rolled my eyes, knowing she was teasing. “No, Pam. With Jessica. I’m in love with Jessica. I know I shouldn’t, and I tried not to, but I couldn’t help it. She’s smart, funny, caring and . . . just . . .”

Feeling like the world’s biggest idiot, I trailed off and closed my eyes. Behind my lids, I saw my baby girl laughing and biting her lips in that sexy way she does. I saw her hugging me and eating pizza off the floor as she waited for me to come home. I saw her waking up with her hair all messy and looking gorgeous as she took off her makeup at night. All those images and memories brought only one word to mind.

With a sigh, I opened my eyes again and said, “Perfect. Jessica is perfect.”

“Well, I know that.” Pam’s smile widened as the bartender delivered her drink. Confused by her reaction, I blinked a few times and dropped my jaw like a certifiable idiot. Not minding my shock, she sipped her drink and added, “Why didn’t you tell her that you love her, then?”

My heart pounded and I frowned, but still replied honestly, “You. The promise I gave you and threat you made.”

She rolled her eyes at me. “Then you’re dumber than I thought, Benjamin. Your promise and my threat clearly didn’t stop you from falling in love with the girl—or from sleeping with her. I don’t see why I would be an impediment for you to tell her how you feel.”

My head felt like it was about to explode with the amount of information. I had no idea how she knew, but it was evident there was no point in trying to hide my relationship with Jessica from her. And honestly, I didn’t want to hide it anymore either.

“How do you know?” I asked as my heart finally slowed to a reasonable pace.

“Well, you just said you love her, so that way,” she started with a smirk and another sip of her drink. “As for the sleeping with her part, I overheard you two talking. I didn’t mean to, and I certainly didn’t want to hear what I heard, but you two were in the hallway and talking loud as shit.”

For some reason, I felt almost relieved that she had overheard us. If nothing else, that argument served to show Pam how I really felt about her daughter and, maybe, pave the way to a real and opened relationship between all of us.

After a sip of my scotch, I asked, “You’re not mad?”

“I was for a few moments. The hurt in Jess’ voice was hard to take, and I blamed you at first,” she admitted, taking a seat beside me. After a deep breath, she continued, “but then she said she was jealous of me. My baby girl is jealous of me because I married the first boy she’s ever loved. That is a hard pill to swallow, but it’s not your fault.” She shrugged and continued, “If I’ve learned anything these last few months is that we love who we love. We don’t choose the person, the time or the place. It just happens, and we have deal with it the best way we can.”

I nodded because I knew she was right. It wasn’t my fault I had fallen in love with her daughter or that Jessica had fallen in love with me. Still, my voice was filled with regret as I said, “But we had an agreement.”

“True, but it was a mistake, and so was bullying you into staying away from Jess. I honestly didn’t think you were capable of falling in love, which was why I didn’t want you messing around with her, but it wasn’t my place to forbid you to do it. As a result, I’ve caused my daughter pain and lost one of the most important moments of her life.”

Pam continued smiling at me, but there was an overwhelming sadness in her eyes as she went on, “We talked about her first time for years, and I had planned a whole day to celebrate her big step. I was going to take her out for pancakes the next morning so she could tell me the details and buy her some flowers—I thought they would help if the guy was an asshole, and allow for virginity funeral jokes if he was sweet and sent her flowers as well.

“It was going to a fun day, and I waited for it for a long time. Now, I’ve lost it because I didn’t trust you or her judgment. That’s something I have to live with, but I can’t live knowing she’s unhappy because of me. She clearly loves you, Ben, so if she’s the woman your dad wanted for you—”

“She is,” I interrupted, eager to make her believe my pure intentions. “She’s the first woman I’ve ever loved, and she’ll be the last. I promise you that.”

Pam’s smile grew wider and more honest. “Then your dad’s dying wish came true. Granted that you did things backward and married the wrong woman, but who am I to take away anything from you when you fulfilled your end of the bargain with him. Just promise me you’ll actually make her happy and not get tired of her now that she’s no longer forbidden.”

I shook my head, completely dumbstruck. I couldn’t believe that she was actually giving me her blessing to be with Jess. It seemed unreal after all the headache, but dream or reality I was going to cling to it and make it come true because this was everything I wanted.

“I won’t ever get tired of her. I’m gonna marry her as soon as I divorce you.”

Tossing her head back, Pam let out a fun laugh. “Although this sentence is all kinds of twisty, I’m really happy for you, Ben. And, I’d welcome you to the family, but we’re already that.”

I chuckled as well and hugged her with love and gratitude. “Thank you for changing my life in all ways possible, Pam,” I whispered in her ear.

“Thanks for doing the same,” she replied and gave me a sweet kiss on the cheek. “Now go to the party and tell Jessica you love her. Tell her you talked to me and we’re all going to eat pancakes tomorrow. Make her happy again, Ben. Please.”

With a smile and a deep breath, I finished my drink, got up from my seat and started to walk away. After five steps, I turned around to look at Pam once again.

“Are you really sleeping with a pilot named Jacques?” I asked.

She blushed at my loud tone and the people around, but still nodded. “Yeah.”

The glimmer of happiness in her eyes filled my heart with even more happiness. Smiling at her, I said, “I’m happy for you. He’s a lucky guy.”

“Thanks!” she replied smiling as well. “Now go.”

With a wink, I went.