Present Day
After our few days of being wild and crazy hermits in Kerry’s apartment, she eventually had to go back to work. Not being with her every second took some getting used to. But we both had to go back to our lives and maintain our careers.
The shop is slow this afternoon, and I have nothing on the books. I leave it to Virgil and take a walk on this budding spring afternoon. It’s beginning to get warmer out, and while the pollen and mayflies are becoming a bother, the warmth and the breeze are always welcome.
I wander over to Lafayette Square. I take a seat on a bench to admire the fountain and buildings in the surrounding area. I wonder what new angles I can use for a few drawings. I try to extract inspiration from my immediate environment.
I hear a child whine. I look over to see the source of the noise, and my throat goes dry. My body stiffens.
Mallory.
In my square.
Certain things should be deemed illegal just on principle alone. Mallory’s being allowed in my most favorite square of the city should be one of those things.
Son of a bitch.
There is a little boy making a fuss over something.
And in the stroller is another tiny baby.
And clasping the handles of that stroller is a man. A man who has a tat on his arm that I did of his woman and child. I recognize him instantly.
I feel like my throat is closing up. I stare at them. Gawk at them as they all look perfectly happy and tidy—except, perhaps, for the toddler, who is disgruntled over something. His attention is focused on the grass. Mallory tries to console him. The man—I can’t fucking remember his name—gently bounces the stroller, trying to keep the littler one happy, I assume.
I can’t take my eyes away from the slightly skewed Rockwell moment.
I have to leave.
They cannot see me here.
Why are they in my square?
Mallory knew this was my favorite square.
But that was almost four years ago. They are here because people move on.
Everyone except you, Luca.
I try to make my feet move. In any direction. But they don’t. They stay planted firmly at the bench. It is only when the guy looks in my direction that I have the wherewithal to actually move. I can’t let them see me here. I can’t let Mallory see me here. She would know I haven’t changed, haven’t moved on since the last time I saw her. I told her I was fine. If she knew I wasn’t fine, how would that affect her? I do not want to find out.
Why do I even care?
I feel as though the guy is focused on me, perhaps trying to figure out where he knows me from. It is only then that I stand and bolt as far away from them as I can get.
Kerry and Stella stop by the shop. They made a candy raid at one of the candy shops on River Street. They stopped by to see if Padraig or I wanted any of their stash.
I haven’t spoken to Kerry in two days, with the exception of some short texts I sent to make excuses as to why I couldn’t see her. Since seeing Mallory and her happily ever after in the square, I’ve come to realize that I have no business trying to make someone happy. If for no other reason than that I myself am not happy. I am stuck in this limbo, and I have no idea how to get out.
I don’t care how good she smells or how her eyes shine when she smiles at me. I don’t even care if she and I share a common interest that most people find laughable. I can’t fall for her. I have to stay away. This casual agreement we have isn’t going to work. I knew that when I agreed to it, but Kerry has proven herself hard to say no to.
I exhale hard and run my hand through my hair as I watch her talk to Stella on the other side of the room. Her hands are moving swiftly in front of her as she explains something to Stella. I love how she always talks with her hands.
No, I don’t.
I don’t love it.
Not one bit.
She looks over at me and gives me an enormous smile. Without hesitation, I smile back. But as soon as she looks away, I duck back into one of the tattoo booths. I sit on the swivel stool and look in the mirror as I rake my hand over my face.
I can’t continue to give Kerry what she needs. It’s only going to result in a bad ending.
And I know I can’t handle another one of those.
I stay back in the booth for a while. I think I hear the bell on the door chime, but I don’t know for sure.
“Hey,” I hear Kerry’s voice say from behind me.
“Hey.” I look at her in the reflection of the mirror.
“Stella and Padraig left. Just you and me,” she says. “Want to get high on candy?” she jokes.
I shake my head. I can’t say anything to her. I want to say everything, but the words will not come out.
She comes closer to me. “What’s wrong, Luca?”
I wait a long, silent moment before I say anything. “Kerry, I can’t do this anymore. You and me. I can’t. It is inevitable that I will hurt you. And if I do, I will not be able to live with myself. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
“What?” she says in a shocked whisper.
“I’m too fucked up. I’m no good for you. I can’t be anything you want me to be.”
“But you already are everything I want you to be.” She comes directly behind me and places her hands on my shoulders.
I shake my head. “You think you know me. But I’ve only shown you part of me. The other part, you don’t want to know. The other part is not a part you will like.”
“What? Are you like the Hulk or something?” she tries to joke again.
“Kerry, I think you should go. I don’t think you should be around me anymore.”
“Don’t say that. That is ridiculous. What happened?”
“Please, just go.”
“Luca, remember what I said? You won’t lose me. You can’t.”
“Kerry! You are not listening! Just go!” I yell, and I don’t recognize my own voice. I close my eyes and squeeze them tight so I can’t see the hurt look on her face. So I won’t take it back.
I hear her back away. Her voice trembles as she tries to say something through tears. I do not speak. I do not move. Eventually, she walks away. I hear the bell chime on the door. I finally leave the booth and walk over to the door to lock up. Kerry is standing on the other side of the door. She looks me directly in the eye. Pleads with me.
For a flash, I know I can take it all back. I can be everything she needs, and everything will be okay.
But it’s only a flash. A dream. Not a reality.
I lock the door and go upstairs.