GASPING FOR AIR, I SIT up in bed, my hand on my throat, my breath heaving from my chest, seconds passing eternally as I will my heart to calm. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe. Just breathe. Finally, I begin to calm and I scan the room, the heavy drapes that run throughout the family mansion that I grew up in casting it in shadows, while my mind casts the horror that woke me in its own form of darkness. Every image I think I can identify dodges and weaves, then fades just out of reach, like too many other things in my life right now.
Suddenly aware of the perpetual chill of the century-old property, a chill impossible to escape seeming to seep deep into my bones, I yank the blanket to my chin, the floral scent of the gardens that my mother loved, inescapably clinging to it, and to me. Glancing toward the heavy antique white nightstand to my right to find the clock: eight a.m., a new dawn long ago rising over the rolling mountaintops hugging this region to illuminate the miles and miles of vineyards surrounding us. It’s also the dawn of my thirtieth birthday, and really, why wouldn’t it start with a nightmare? I’m sleeping in my dead mother’s bed.
It’s an uncomfortable thought, but not an emotional one, a reality that makes me even more uncomfortable. When my father died just two years ago now, I’d cried until I could cry no more, and then did it again. And again. And again. But I’m not crying now. What is wrong with me? I didn’t even cry at the funeral, but I’d been certain that when alone, I would. Now, eight weeks later, there are still no tears. I had my problems with my mother, but it’s not like I don’t grieve for her. I do, but I grieved for her in life as well, and maybe I grieved too much then to grieve now. I just don’t know.
Rolling over, I flip on the light, then hit a remote that turns on the fireplace directly in front of my bed. Sitting up, I stare at the flames as it spurts and sputters to life, but I don’t find the answers I seek there, or anywhere in this room, as I’d hoped when I’d moved from the identical room down the hall to this one. I’d been certain that being here, in the middle of my mother’s personal space, the scent of the gardens she loved clinging to virtually everything, including me, would finally make the tears fall. But no. Days later, and I’m still not crying, I’m having nightmares. And whatever those nightmares are, they always make me wake up angry. So there it is. I do have a feeling I can name. Anger is one of them. I’m not quite sure what that anger is all about but right now, all I can hear is my mother shouting at me: You’re just like your father. An insult in her book, but there was no truth in it. I was never like my father. I always saw who, and what, she was, where he only saw the woman he’d loved for thirty years, the same amount of time I’ve been alive.
Throwing off the covers, I rotate, my feet settling on the stepstool that is a necessity to climb down from the bedframe. My gaze lands on Nick Rogers’ business card where I’d left it on the nightstand last night, after spending the minutes before sleep replaying every word, look, and touch with that man. Admitting to myself what I had not last night. He woke me up, and because of him, there is at least one other emotion I can feel: lust. If lust is really even considered an emotion, but whatever the case, there is no other word for what charged the air between myself and that man, for what I felt and saw in his eyes when he touched me, but lust. And the more I think about that meeting, the more I know that there wasn’t anything romantic or sweet about our connection. It was dark and jagged. The kind of attraction that’s unforgiving in its demands. The kind of attraction that’s all consuming, proven by the fact that, even now, hours after our encounter, I can still feel his hand on my arm, and the sizzle that had burned a path through my body. I can still feel the hum of my body that he, and he alone, created.
And while I cannot say if that man is my friend or my enemy, I know where this kind of collision course of dark, edgy lust leads. I’ve lived it and it is not a place you want to go with anyone that you don’t trust. I’m not sure it’s a place you can even find with someone you really do trust. I think it’s dark because it’s born out of something dark in one or both people, maybe that they bring out in each other. Which means it’s not a place anyone should travel, and yet, when you feel it, I know that you resist it. But you cannot deny it, or the person who creates it in you. It’s exactly why I am certain, that despite my rejection of Nick Rogers last night, that I’ll be seeing him again, which brings my mind back to one particular exchange we’d shared that keeps playing and replaying in my head.
“You’re still touching me,” I’d said and he’d replied with, “I’m holding onto that good luck.”
Logically, he was inferring that meeting me was good luck. He’d already stated that coming here to the winery was good luck. It was simple flirtatious banter. So why did it bother me then, and why does it bother me now? Chance meeting or not? The timing…the men…the dark lust. It never comes from a good place. Maybe I’m wrong about him. I have plenty of darkness of my own right now. Maybe my energy fed our energy together. But it doesn’t matter. He’s dangerous. He’s taboo.
He’s not going to touch me again.
My cellphone rings, and praying it’s not some crisis in the winery, I grab it and glance at the caller ID. At the sight of my attorney’s number, and with the knowledge that his office just opened, my heart races, and I answer the line. “Frank? Do you have news?”
“It’s Betty,” I hear. Betty, being Frank’s secretary. “Frank wants to know if you can be here at eleven?”
“Is there a problem?”
“He’s in court. He wants to see you and he said it had to be today. That’s all I know. Can you be here at eleven?”
“Can he see me sooner?” I ask, my nerves racketing up a notch at the “had to be today” comment.
“He’s in court.”
“Right. Eleven it is then.”
My phone rings again and glance at the unknown number, hitting decline. At least the bill collectors waited until sunrise today. Three seconds later, the ringing begins all over again, and this time it’s a San Francisco number. Repeating my prior action, I hit decline and this time I have the luxury of blocking the number. I don’t need to talk to the caller to know they want a piece of me that they can’t have, and yet another of my exchanges with Tiger comes back to me. I’d asked, “Does good luck bleed?” And his reply had been, “Many people will do anything for good luck, even bleed.”
Bleed.
Isn’t that what my father did? Bleed? And bleed some more?
And why do I feel like I’m bleeding right now?
And why does that thought remind me of Tiger?
I glance down at my balled fist and open it to discover I’ve crumpled his card into a ball in my hand.
My phone registers five more unknown callers by the time I complete the fifteen-minute drive to my attorney’s office, which is in one of my favorite places in the city. The quaint downtown area, where there are stone walkways leading to stores, restaurants and a few random businesses, some areas are even framed with ivy overhangs. I park by a curb, in front of a row of side-by-side mom and pop shops, and right in front of the path leading to Frank’s office, but I don’t get out, nervous and with reason. The winery was everything to my father, and to save it, I did things I didn’t want to do, things I regret. And the guilt I feel is overwhelming. Maybe I can’t cry because it’s eating away at me, like acid, that just won’t stop burning away my emotions.
I straighten my funeral-black pencil skirt, that I’ve paired with a funeral-black sweater and black, knee high boots, the thick tights beneath it all meant to fight the chill of an October mountain day. But nothing can take the chill off death which is my reason for choosing funeral-black attire yet again today. I don’t remember the day, week, moment, that I stopped dressing this way after my father died. I guess it just happens when it feels right, and it doesn’t yet. My cellphone rings again, and I grab it from my well-worn, also black, briefcase that doubles as my version of a purse. Eyeing the caller ID, the new San Francisco number has apparently called me twice now. I block it, and one other, certain from the past two weeks of hell that yet another caller will start showing up on my ID any second.
I turn my ringer off and slip my cell back in its pocket, my gaze landing on the gold Chanel logo pressed to the outside of the bag, my fingers stroking the letters. It was a gift from my father when I’d graduated from UCLA with eyes set on selling my art and buying lots of Chanel. My father declared this bag a “taste of luxury” to inspire me. And it had been, but then things had happened and-
“Damn it,” I murmur, my eyes pinching shut. “Now, I’m teary-eyed? What the heck is wrong with me?”
I grab my bag and settle it on my shoulder, opening the door of my black BMW that I’d inherited from my father, while my mother’s white Mercedes still sits in the garage back at the mansion. Even their cars were opposite, I think. They were opposite in all things. I stand and the card I’d balled in my hand earlier falls to the pavement. I bend down and pick it up, standing to straighten it and read: Nick Rogers, Attorney at Law. Mr. Rogers. Right. Well he’s no sweet, sweater-vested kid’s television personality, for sure.
Deciding to ask my attorney about the notorious “Tiger,” I stick the card inside the pocket of my briefcase, and get moving. Exiting the vehicle, I hurry under one of those overhangs to travel past a candy store, a candle store, and then finally reach the law office I seek. Entering the office, the receptionist greets me.
“Hiya, sugar,” Betty greets me, her red hair glowing maroon, when last week it had been more of an orange hue, her bold style in contrast to her boss, a true case of opposites attract. But my mind goes back to Tiger and I. I don’t think we’re opposites. Thus the dark energy. “Frank’s on a conference call,” she says, bringing me back to the here and now, rather than last night. “He should be done any moment.”
“Thank you,” I say, claiming one of the half dozen leather seats in the small, familiar lobby I’d often frequented with my father in my youth, hanging out here until he finished meetings, which is when we’d then grab ice cream. Usually when my mother was nowhere to be found.
My throat thickens with that memory and I’m about to set my bag down when Frank appears in the doorway, looking fit and younger than his sixty years in a well-fitted black suit, his gray hair neatly trimmed, his face lightly lined. “Come in, Faith.” He backs into his office to offer me room to enter.
I’m on my feet before he finishes that statement, crossing the lobby and entering his humble office with a desk, two chairs and a window. It’s simple but it’s personalized with a collection of University of Texas memorabilia as well as his diploma. But he doesn’t need to be fancy. He grew up in Sonoma and took over his father’s trusted practice, becoming a local favorite about the time I was born.
Frank lingers behind me and shuts the door, that thud a trigger for my nerves to bounce around in my belly. So, okay. I do feel things. I’m not numb about anything but my mother’s death. I claim a seat and he rounds the desk to sit down, elbows on the wooden surface, his gray eyes steady on my face. “How are you?”
“Better when I know what this meeting is about,” I say. “Did the state finally approve you as executor of my mother’s estate?”
“I’m afraid not,” he replies. “The bank filed a formal objection based on my role as your attorney, which they claim, works against their best interests.”
I scoot to the edge of my chair. “But I’m the rightful owner of the property with or without my mother’s will. She inherited it from my father with the written directive that I inherit it next.”
“The bank claims otherwise,” he says.
“It states it in his will.”
“They claim the debt allows them to supersede that directive.”
“That note my father took is large, but it’s not anywhere near the value of the winery. Can they even make this claim at all?”
“They can claim they own the White House,” he says. “That doesn’t mean they do. Your mother failing to register a will complicates this but your father’s will specifically stated that she inherited the winery on the condition that you were next in line. But you do need to pay the bank debt your mother left behind. We’re at six months tardy at this point.”
“Five” I say, my role as acting-CEO not much different than my role the past two years, except for one thing. I still don’t have access to the empty bank accounts. “I made a payment.”
“Is the winery making money?”
“Yes. I’ve run that place and kept the books since my father died.”
“Then why was she four months behind on the bank note when she died?”
“I don’t know. And not just the bank note. Everything. Every vendor we use wants money. I can’t catch everyone up at once. I need time. Or I need access to her personal accounts. That has to be where the money is.”
“I’ve filed a petition with the court to appoint a neutral executor appointed with no allegiance to the bank,” he says. “But they could easily come back with names we have to reject.”
“Which is what the bank wants,” I assume and suddenly there is a light in the dark tunnel. Not necessarily an end quite yet, but a light. “They think time will place me so far in debt I have to surrender the property. That would be insanity and I’m not insane. It would be easier to get my hands on the money my mother pulled from the accounts, but I told you. The winery is making money. If we drag this out long enough, I’ll pay off that note. Drag it out.”
“You’re sure?”
“Positive,” I say firmly.
“Have you had any luck at all finding the money she pulled from the company?”
“None,” I say. “Have you had any luck finding anything that might point me in the right direction?”
He reaches into his drawer and sets a card in front of me. “You need a private investigator. He’s good and affordable.”
“I can’t afford to hire a private detective.”
“You can’t afford not to,” he counters.
“We’re making money. I just need you to buy that time.”
“What if you have another surprise you don’t expect?” He slides the card closer. “Call him. Talk about a payment plan.”
I reach for the card and stick it in my purse. “I’ll call.” My mind goes to my newest surprise. “Do you know Nick Rogers?”
He arches a brow. “The attorney?”
“Yes. Him.”
“Why?”
“A couple of bank goons showed up last night and he was at the winery. He stepped in and scared them off.”
“He’s a good friend and a bad enemy.”
“There’s no chance that was a set-up and he’s already an enemy?”
“Nick Rogers doesn’t need to play the kind of games that comment suggests. He has the prowess of—”
“-a tiger.”
“Yes,” Frank says. “A tiger. He’ll—”
“-rip your throat out if you cross him or his clients,” I supply. “I know his reputation, but what I don’t understand is how he, above others in his field, is so well known.”
“He’s one of the top five corporate attorneys in the country and he’s local to our region.” He narrows his eyes on me. “But back to you. Do you have any other questions about what I shared today?”
“Not now.”
“Then let’s get to what’s important. Happy birthday, Faith.”
“Thank you,” I say, my voice cracking, forcing me to clear my throat and repeat, “Thank you.”
“It’s a rough time to have a birthday, I know,” he says. “You lost your father at about the same time of year.”
“I did,” I agree. “But at least every year it’s all concentrated in one window of time.”
“Your birthday.”
“Birthdays are for kids.”
“Birthdays are for celebrating life,” he says. “Something you need to do. I’m glad you didn’t cancel your appearance at the art show tonight in light of your mother’s passing. It’s time you get back to your art, to let the world see what you do. And a local display with a three-month long feature is a great way to get noticed again.”
Again.
I don’t let myself go to the place, and history, that word could take me to. Not today.
“Your agent did right by you on this,” he adds.
“Josh overstepped his boundaries by accepting this placement, and had he not committed in writing before I knew, I’d have declined. He was supposed to simply manage my existing placements and related sales.”
“Declined?” he asks incredulously. “This is an amazing opportunity, little girl.”
“Le Sun gallery is owned by one of our competitors, a winery which infuriated my mother.”
“Your mother was selfish and wrong,” he says. “I know she’s gone but I’m not saying anything we don’t both know. And Le Sun is owned by a rock star in the artworld and the godparents said rock star artist. Every art lover who visits Sonoma wants to see Chris Merit’s work at that gallery, and when they see his, they will see yours. And you’ve put your life on hold for too long. If you decide to keep the winery—”
“I am,” I say. “It’s my family legacy.”
“You’re sure your uncle wants no part of it?”
“Yes,” I confirm. “Very.” And even if he did, I add silently, my father would turn over in his grave if that man even stepped foot on the property again. “Bottom line,” I add firmly. “I’m keeping the winery.”
“Make the decision to keep it after you achieve some breathing room. After your show and the chance to remember your dreams, not his.” He reaches inside the drawer again and retrieves an envelope, holding it up. “And after you read this and give yourself some time to process it.” He sets it in front of me.
My gaze lands on my name and a birthday greeting written in my father’s familiar script. I swallow hard, my stomach flip-flopping, before my gaze jerks to his. “What is that?”
“He asked me to give it to you upon his death, if it was after you turned thirty or on your thirtieth birthday, should he pass before that date.”
My hands go to the back of my neck, under my hair, my throat thick and I have to turn my head away, my eyes shutting, a wave of emotions overwhelming me. “And yet my mother didn’t even have a will,” I murmur.
“People don’t want to believe they’re going to die,” he says. “It’s quite common.”
I jerk back to him, anger burning inside me at my mother, and at him for protecting her. Again. “You do what’s responsible when you hold a property of this value. You just do.” I grab the envelope my father left for me. “Please just buy me time.” I stand and walk to the door and just as I’m about to leave, he says, “Faith.”
I pause but do not turn. “Yes?”
“I know you’re angry at her and so am I, but it, like all things, will pass.”
I want to believe him. I do. But he wouldn’t be so confident, if he knew all there was to know, which I will never allow to happen. And so, I simply nod as a reply, and leave, thankful that Betty is on the phone and has a delivery driver in front of her, which allows me to pass by her without any obligatory niceties. Exiting the office, the cool air is a shock I welcome, something to focus on other than the ball of emotion the envelope in my hand seems to be stirring. Maybe I didn’t want to feel again after all, and eager to be alone, I quicken my pace, entering a tunneled path beneath an ivy-covered overhang and don’t stop until I’m on the other side. Clearing it, I turn left to bring my car into view where it’s parked on the opposite side of the street, my lips parting, my feet planting, at the sight of Mr. Rogers himself leaning against it. And he isn’t just leaning on it. He’s leaning on the driver’s side door, as if to tell me that I’m not leaving without going through him first.