Chapter Eight

My Shadow Is Moving Without His

I had the strangest dream last night. It started off with me on a date with Jimmy Casale. He took me to a fancy Italian restaurant and while we shared a bottle of wine; he told me all about himself.  Everything was moving smoothly until he held my hand. Things got a little fuzzy after that and the sweet dream quickly escalated into a nightmare of sorts. The kind where the woman actually gets wasted and makes a fool of herself.

I woke up sweating and quickly sat upright, trying to shake the horrid thoughts from my head. However, the moment I lifted my head I felt like I was hit by a truck. The searing pain in my temples caused me to groan, and I fell back onto the plush couch.

“Oh, good, you’re alive,” Amber mutters. “Now, I can kill you with my bare hands.”

“Lower your voice,” I plead. “My head feels like it’s going to explode.”

“Hold on, let me get my violin,” she replies. Her voice dripping with sarcasm.

Willing the room not to spin, I open one eye and peer at her. She extends her hands, offering me two tiny pills and a bottle of orange soda.

“What’s this?”

“Fireman’s orders,” she mutters.

Both eyes open now, I try to sit up slowly.

“Oh my God,” I groan, taking the aspirins from her. “It wasn’t a dream was it?”

“Nope, not a dream,” she replies, handing me the soda. “You most definitely went out with the sexy fireman, got sloshed and had him carry you home.”

“Oh my God,” I shriek, lifting my hands to cover my face. The room stops swaying and clarity begins to wash over me. My voice rings in my ears, replaying every ridiculous word that came out of my mouth. “I told him my hymen must’ve grown back!”

“Well at least you were honest,” Amber offers, shrugging her shoulders as she sits next to me. “Usually first dates are full of lies and false pretenses.”

“I fell into his lap and blamed the floor,” I add, my eyes going wide. “Oh God, I threw up all over the bathroom.”

“Well, it could be worse. You could’ve thrown up on him.”

Turning my head, I glare at her.

“You’re not helping.”

“Who said I was trying to?”

Leaning forward she grabs a brown paper bag off the coffee table and drops it in my lap.

“Your knight and shining armor dropped this off at the crack of dawn,” she reveals.

“He was here?”

“Sure was,” she replies. “I stayed up all night making sure you didn’t die swallowing your own vomit and just as I was about to fall asleep, there was a knock on your door. Mr. Hero didn’t trust me not to take care of you and dropped off a bottle of Bayer, a liter of orange soda and the greasiest bacon egg and cheese sandwich I’ve ever seen.”

“This is all your fault,” I sneer, shoving her shoulder. “You put those little bottles in my purse.”

“Yeah, I must’ve poured them down your throat too,” she says, rolling her eyes. “You do realize you’re freaking out over nothing, right?”

“Amber, I haven’t been on a date since I started dating Chris. The first time I go out with a man, I make a complete jackass out of myself. I have every right to freak out. I told you this was a mistake. Clearly, I’m not cut out for any of this.”

“Did you not hear the part about him stopping over this morning to make sure you were okay? And I completely snooped through your texts last night. He wants to take you out again,” she says, handing me my phone. “If you don’t believe me, look for yourself.”

Taking the phone from her, I pull up the last text message Jimmy sent me and to my surprise, Amber’s right.

“He was a complete gentleman, Melissa. Another guy may have taken advantage of your condition but Jimmy took care of you. He made sure you got home safely, and he checked in. Take it from a girl who has kissed her fair share of toads, there aren’t many of his kind floating around.”

Standing from the couch, she points to the phone in my hand.

“Call him,” she orders. “I’m going to take a nap. Mom picked up Chris and said she’ll drop him off after dinner.”

“Mom knows what happened?”

“No, she thinks you got a stomach bug,” she responds. I let her words sink in as I watch her start for the stairs and I know there is truth there. Jimmy was completely respectful from the moment he picked me up. Knowing the type of man, I was with, feeling some sort of connection to him as we got to know one another—it’s the very reason I flipped out.

“Amber?” I call as she reaches the stairs. Turning to me, she lifts an eyebrow in question. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me,” she says with a shake of her head. “Just let yourself be happy,” she pauses. “You deserve that much.”

I nod in response and watch her disappear up the stairs. Sitting back on the couch, I open the bottle of soda and take a few sips. My eyes dart to the breakfast sandwich and before I can doubt myself I reach for my phone. Pulling up Jimmy’s number, I press send and wait to hear his deep voice greet me.

“How are you feeling?” he says, not bothering with hello.

“Better,” I answer hoarsely. “I wanted to apologize.”

“Did you take the aspirin?” he questions ignoring me.

“Jimmy.”

“Melissa, there is nothing to apologize for. I liked being with you—I liked it a fuck of a lot.”

“Still, I’d like to explain,” I reply. Biting my lip, I eye the brown paper bag. “You brought me breakfast.”

“Did you eat it?”

“Not yet,” I admit, running my fingers through my hair. “My mother picked up my son for the day. If you’re not busy, let’s meet for lunch. My treat,” I suggest. He doesn’t respond immediately, causing me to wonder if he’s still interested. For all I know, Jimmy Casale is a man with manners and thought nothing of bringing me his hangover remedy.

“If you’re busy, it’s fine—”

“I’ve got work at four so let’s meet at the Unicorn diner in an hour. Does that work for you?”

“That’s perfect,” I murmur. Lifting my fingers to my lips, I realize I’m smiling and he’s the reason.

“See you then,” he says softly. “And Melissa?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m paying.” His tone leaves no room for argument and after we hang up, I make my way upstairs to the bathroom. I shower and when I dress, I don’t over analyze my clothing. Instead, I throw on my most comfortable pair of sweatpants and the first t-shirt I see. Sliding my feet into my sneakers, I twist my damp hair into a top knot before scribing a quick note to Amber, letting her know I went to meet Jimmy.

When I arrive at the diner he’s already there sipping a cup of coffee. His eyes find mine and he moves to stand but, I press a hand to his shoulder, forcing him back into his chair. Bending my head, I press my lips to his cheek and relish the flicker of surprise reflected in his eyes. Once I find my seat across from him, he leans forward and the lines around his eyes crinkle as he licks his lips.

“You’re looking better.”

“It’s amazing what a shower and a greasy sandwich can do for a girl,” I reply, offering him a smile. “I know you don’t want to hear it again, but, I’m sorry I ruined our date.”

“You didn’t ruin anything,” he insists, scratching his jaw. “You were pretty amusing.”

“I bet,” I mutter, rolling my eyes. “It’s not every day a girl falls into your lap.”

“This is true,” he agrees with a smile. “But, I gotta tell you, I think I would’ve liked it better if you threw your panties at me.”

Closing my eyes, I bite back the groan.

“I remember that part,” I admit. The sound of his laughter forces my eyes back to him and I help myself to the pot of coffee on the table. “I also recall you asking me to tell you about myself.”

“I did but things got hairy before you got the chance to.”

“I’d like to change that,” I say softly. Lifting the cup to my lips, I take a sip. The waitress comes to take our order and once she’s gone, Jimmy folds his hands on top of the table, giving me his undivided attention.

“Talk to me,” he encourages.

Unsure where to begin, I start with the first thing that comes to mind.

“You’re the first man I’ve dated since my son’s father,” I reveal. “The first man I’ve been interested in since I met Chris,” I pause, swallowing the lump. “That was his name.”

“Was?” he rasps.

“He passed away,” I whisper, dropping my gaze to my barren finger. “It was our wedding day, and he was on his way to the church when a tractor-trailer collided with his car, killing him instantly.”

Jimmy’s tattooed hands cover mine, causing me to lift my head. His eyes are full of sorrow and regret, both of which I don’t want. He opens his mouth—no doubt to give me his condolences but I don’t give him the chance. Leaning over the table, I lift a finger to his lips silencing him as I shake my head.

“Don’t look at me like that and before you say you’re sorry, let me finish. It’s been five years since he died. Five long years and I’m finally realizing I want to move on. I don’t want to go the rest of my life mournfully existing. I want to live. I want to experience everything that makes life incredible.”

Jimmy gently closes his hand around my wrist and I watch his throat as he swallows. Fearing what might come from his mouth, I continue to ramble on.

“I know we don’t know each other that well but, I’d like to change that. I like you, Jimmy, I like your morals and your manners. I like the way I feel when I’m with you and I really like looking at you,” I whisper with a smile. “So, if you’re interested, I’d like for us to get to know one another better. Even if we only end up being friends.”

“I can’t,” he says with a tortured expression on his face. My ego deflates instantly, and I make a move to take my hand from his, but his grip tightens.

“I can’t be your friend because I make it my business not to sleep with friends,” he amends. “If you and I agree to see where this goes I can almost promise you we’ll end up in bed together.”

“Sleepovers can be fun,” I croak.

“I’m talking about sleepovers of the naked nature,” he clarifies. “The kind where I spend all night between your legs, reminding you you’re alive and reacquainting you with the things that make life incredible.”

Jimmy has flirted with me before, but he’s never been so forthcoming with his intentions. As much as they terrify me they also excite me.

“I’m not ready for that,” I admit hoarsely. “And, I don’t know when I will be either.”

It took a lot of courage for me to admit I want to see where this goes. To be fully invested in another man and give into my attraction for him.

Caressing the inside of my wrist, he nods while keeping his eyes firmly planted on mine.

“I’m a patient man, Melissa,” he starts. “I might not have lost my wife tragically, but I know what it’s like to lose the person you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with. I know the struggle of starting over. We’ll take things slow and set guidelines. Whatever makes you comfortable.”

“Baby steps,” I say, biting the inside of my cheek as I contemplate the suggestion. “What kind of guidelines?”

“Well,” he begins, intertwining our fingers. “I get to hold your hand whenever I want.”

“I think I can manage that,” I agree.

“Yeah, how about dinner? Can you handle a few of those? Maybe a movie or a walk in the park?”

“Seems feasible. Are you the only one who gets to lay down the law?” I question, lifting an eyebrow. Releasing my hands, his lips quirk.

“Have at it,” he urges.

“We kiss,” I say boldly. His eyes grow dark at the suggestion.

“That’s a given considering we already have.”

“I was hoping we could have a do over on that,” I admit, tucking my hair behind my ears. His gaze sweeps around the diner before landing back on me.

“You want to show these people how it’s done?”

“Right now?”

“You can fall into my lap again,” he suggests.

The old me would’ve leaped over the table without hesitation. Maybe it’s time to get back to basics, back to living for the moment and not the past. Holding Jimmy’s attention, I push out my chair and stand to my feet. His chair slides back as I round the tiny table and instead of faking a fall, I take a seat on his lap. Without giving it too much thought, I do what comes natural and wind my arms around his neck. Inhaling a sharp breath, our foreheads touch as I stare into his half-closed eyes.

“Hi,” I whisper as he grips my waist.

“Hi,” he grinds out, pulling me closer. A second passes and we share the same breath before his mouth closes over mine. His lips are soft as they familiarize themselves with mine until they’re not. Until they are just as demanding as my own. I open my mouth welcoming his tongue as it sweeps over mine and the butterflies I felt the night before return, taking flight deep within me. They force me to feel, to take and to taste.

For the first time since I lost Chris, my shadow is moving without his.

And that’s okay.

I’m okay.

I’m alive.