I thought my heart had broken when I looked at the results of the pregnancy test. But it hadn’t. It had cracked, yet continued to beat. I knew this the moment I looked into Rush’s eyes—because that was the moment that those cracks gave way and my heart shattered into a million little pieces. I couldn’t even respond to him. I just stood there and let the tears stream down my face. The pain in Rush’s eyes matched the excruciating ache inside of my chest.
“Fuck!” he screamed.
“Fuck!” He tugged fistfuls of his hair with both hands.
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuucccck.”
Riley whipped open her bedroom door and ran into the hallway looking like we’d woken her. “What’s going on? Is everything okay?”
She took one look at us and knew what had just gone down. Mouthing I’m sorry, she turned and slipped back into her bedroom, shutting the door quietly behind her.
My eyes caught with Rush’s.
“Say it, Gia.” His voice was the type of calm that happened in the eye of the storm. You know there’s a big swirl growing and growing that will hit even harder very soon, and you can only brace for it.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I don’t know how it happened.”
“You don’t know how it fucking happened?”
My tears had been silent, but the bubble burst. Sobs shook my shoulders and weakened my legs as I lowered to the floor.
“Fuck,” Rush gritted.
“Fuck.”
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuucccck.”
Through my blurred vision, I saw him move, and for a few horrible seconds, I thought he was leaving, thought he was going to walk past me sitting on the floor and right out the front door. But then suddenly, I was in the air and in Rush’s arms. He scooped me up and carried me into my bedroom. Kicking the door closed behind him, he walked to the bed and gently set me down.
“We used protection. I swear we did. And it was only once. I’ve only had sex with one person in more than a year, one time and this happens.”
Rush sat next to me and just kept nodding.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I only found out yesterday and…I just couldn’t say it out loud yet.”
Long minutes went by, and he continued to just sit there and nod. “Say something, please,” I whispered while wiping away tears.
He couldn’t even look at me. “You said you don’t even know the guy’s number.”
I looked down and shook my head.
“What kind of a piece of shit doesn’t even give a woman the right contact information?”
“The kind who doesn’t want to be involved in your life after one night.”
Rush took a deep breath and let it out. Then he finally turned to face me. “Jesus Christ. Have you thought about what you’re going to do?”
“I haven’t been able to think about anything, Rush. Honestly, I’ve been so worried about what you would think; it hasn’t really sunk in yet. I know I can’t have an abortion, though. If my Mom had…”
Rush reached over and took my hand. “I know. I get it.”
We sat in quiet again. Eventually, I said, “I’m not ready to be a mother. I live in a studio apartment in Queens, and I have a one-book commitment from a publisher with a tiny advance, which they’ll probably have to sue me to get back when I don’t turn in a manuscript on time. I don’t know the first thing about babies, or being a mother, for that matter. I didn’t even have a maternal example growing up. But what terrifies me the most is…” I turned to face him and he looked up into my eyes. “…what does this all mean between you and me?”
“Gia…” Rush raked his hand through his hair for what seemed like the tenth time. “I don’t have any answers.”
I didn’t have a right to be mad at his noncommittal response. I’d gotten myself into this predicament, and I wasn’t naïve enough to think this didn’t change everything. But that didn’t mean it wouldn’t crush me to feel him pulling away.
Rush’s phone chimed, and he pulled it from his pocket. “Shit. The liquor company is at The Heights with my delivery. I’m supposed to be there now to accept it.”
“Go.” I forced a smile. “Can’t run a bar without liquor, and unfortunately my predicament isn’t going anywhere in a hurry.”
He stood. “Yeah. Alright. I’ll…I’ll see you later.” Rush walked a few steps toward my bedroom door and then came back to where I still sat on the bed. “Get some rest.” He kissed the top of my head. Somehow I managed to keep the tears in until he walked out, and I heard his car start out front. Then I let it all out. I cried and cried, until eventually I cried myself to sleep.
“What’s up, Gia?” Oak lifted his chin when I walked into work early for my shift. I hadn’t heard from Rush all day and hoped he’d be here so maybe we could talk again. The initial shock had probably turned into something different by now, and I wondered what he was feeling. His Mustang hadn’t been in the parking lot when Riley dropped me off, but my car was. He must’ve gotten it started somehow.
I went to the office and knocked. After waiting a few minutes, I took a deep breath and cracked the door open. Empty. My pulse sped up as I wandered around the main floor of the restaurant looking for him. Every time I thought he might be behind a door—in the kitchen, the supply room, the back—I held my breath as I took a peek. Each time he wasn’t there, I was disappointed and relieved at the same time.
On my way upstairs, the phone rang. I’d forgotten to grab it from the office where it normally sat on the charger on Rush’s desk overnight. But the sound was coming from the dining area. Someone had left it at the hostess station along with my car keys. I answered the phone and took a reservation for seven o’clock. A barstool that wasn’t usually at the hostess station was also set up there, though it wasn’t one of the ones from the bar. It was leather, and padded with a nice tall back. After the call, I stayed sitting in it for a few more minutes and practiced some deep breaths before heading to the stairs. The only place left where Rush could be was up on the rooftop bar.
But when I got upstairs, no one was around except for Oak. He was behind the bar changing out a beer keg. I walked over. “Oak? Do you know where Rush is?”
“Haven’t seen him since he dropped off your chair and car.”
My chair?
“He’s not here?”
“Nope.” He finished pushing the keg into its tight space and wiped his hands on a towel. “Figured you knew that. He left your car keys and that chair he bought. Said he was taking the night off.”
My stomach clenched. “Oh. Okay. Thank you.”
I sulked my way back down the stairs and went to dig my phone from my purse. I hadn’t checked it since I’d left the house. Maybe Rush had texted to let me know he wouldn’t be in tonight. Of course, deep down, I knew from the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that there’d be no text. But that didn’t stop me from checking.
An overwhelming sadness came over me when I confirmed he hadn’t sent a text. I tried to tell myself that it didn’t mean anything. Rush just needed some time to let everything sink in. Who wouldn’t? It hadn’t truly sunk in for me yet either.
When Oak came back downstairs, I forced myself to get busy. Work would at least be a distraction. I did my usual pre-opening routine, although I set up my cellphone to vibrate when any new texts came in and then slipped it into my pocket while I went about getting everything ready for the night. Even though it never vibrated, I checked it incessantly anyway.
Oak stopped by the hostess station while I was slipping the paper with the printed daily specials into the plastic menu jackets. “Five minutes to opening, G.”
“Okay. Thanks.” When he started to walk away, a thought dawned on me. “Oak?”
He turned back. “Hmmm?”
“Where is this chair I’m sitting on supposed to go? You said Rush dropped it off. Does it belong in the office?”
“Nope. He said something about the hostesses needing a place to rest their feet.” He winked. “But I’m pretty sure there’s only one hostess whose feet Rush gives a crap about.”
Despite the sadness I felt from Rush not making contact at all today and taking the night off, which I suspected was to avoid me, I latched on to the fact that he’d taken the time to go out and buy a chair so that I could have a place to rest if I needed it. Not to mention, he’d also fixed my car to make sure I wouldn’t walk home. It was crazy to even think about, but Rush would make a really great father with all his protectiveness.
The restaurant stayed busy for the next few hours, so at least I couldn’t sit around obsessing too much over my situation. Forced smiles and friendly chitchat were basically most of my job. But by ten o’clock when things slowed down, and I’d practically killed my phone battery from constantly checking for a message that never arrived, I had no more fake smiles to give.
Oak noticed and stopped by. “You okay, G?”
“Yeah. Just a bit tired.” It wasn’t a lie. I was exhausted, both emotionally and physically.
Oak raised a single eyebrow. “Mmm-hmm. Boss looked just a bit tired when he stopped in, too.”
“Did he…say anything?”
“If you haven’t noticed, Rush is a thinker, not much of a talker.”
That comment was awarded my first genuine smile of the evening.
Oak looked over my shoulder into the dining room. “Looks like you only have one table left. They all finished?”
“Yeah. Just sipping their coffee. The waitress left them the bill, but they aren’t rushing to pay it so I can run the credit card.”
He nodded his head toward the door. “Go home. I’ll run the card. Get some rest. While you’re at it, call the man and tell him you forgive him for whatever stupid shit he did wrong.”
I wished it were that easy. “You sure you don’t mind?”
“Go home. Bossman would kick my ass if he knew I didn’t send you home when you needed to go.”
“Thanks, Oak.”
I drove home in a fog. It was stupid of me, and in the future, I probably shouldn’t put myself at risk like that if I’m not feeling alert enough to drive. It wasn’t just me anymore I needed to think about. When I pulled up to my house, I killed the ignition and relaxed back into the driver’s seat. For the first time, I put my hand on my stomach. It felt surreal to acknowledge that there was a person growing inside of me.
“Hey. I’m…well, I guess I’m your mom.” I rubbed a gentle circle just below my belly button. “I feel like I should have introduced myself by now. But, I only found out you existed yesterday.” God. Has it really only been one day?
I took a deep breath. “I just wanted you to know that just because you weren’t planned, doesn’t mean that I’ll ever make you feel like you are unwanted. My dad used to say, ‘Life is ten percent of what happens to you and ninety percent what you make of it.’ And you and me, we’re going to make the best of it. Just like my dad and I did.”
Finished with my odd little introduction, I pulled my phone from the car charger, tossed the keys into my purse, and got out of the car. As I walked to the front door, I couldn’t help but check my text messages again. After all, the fifteen-minute drive home was probably the longest stretch I’d gone without checking all day.
But…nothing was there. Again.
Looking down while I wallowed in self-pity, I made it almost to the door when a voice scared the crap out of me. “Gia.”
I jumped, and my hand whipped to my chest. Rush was standing in the dark in front of my door. “Holy crap. How long have you been standing there?”
“A while,” he said. “I was here waiting when you pulled up. It looked like you needed to take a minute in the car, so I didn’t want to walk over.”
“Yeah...I…” I looked over my shoulder behind me. Had I been that unaware of my surroundings that I hadn’t even seen his car when I pulled up? But I still didn’t see it. “Where’s your car?”
“I walked here.”
“That has to be at least a few miles.”
Rush shrugged. “I was drinking earlier, and I needed some time to think anyway. The walk did me good.”
Our gazes locked. “Oh.”
“You feel up to talking?”
“Of course.” I went to step forward to open the front door, and Rush stopped me.
“Would you mind if we sat in the yard? Maybe the lounge chairs to talk?”
“Sure. Can I get you a drink or something?”
Rush shook his head. “No thanks. I’m good.”
He stepped aside and put his hand out for me to walk first. While we made our way to the gate leading to the backyard, I wondered why he didn’t want to come in. Did he not want to be alone with me in my room? Did he think there would be yelling and he wanted privacy? Could I be overthinking it, and he just wanted to enjoy the nice weather tonight?
In the yard, Rush pulled two lounge chairs together and sat down on the edge of one facing me. I took his lead and sat across from him. The outside security lights had illuminated when we’d walked by, so I caught the first up-close look at him in the light.
Rush looked awful. Like he’d gone on a bender and someone ran over his dog while he watched. His hair definitely had withstood a continuation of this morning’s tug-of-war.
He rested his elbows on his knees and hung his head. “How are you feeling?”
“Physically, I’m good. Tired. But good.”
“You’re going to need more rest. Keep off your feet when you can.”
I smiled. “Well, I can do that at work now. Thanks to you.”
He nodded. “I did a lot of thinking today.”
“Okay…”
“I thought about the things you said that you’re worried about: You’re not ready. You live in a studio apartment. You don’t have a steady job and you don’t know how to be a mother.”
Wow. He’d really listened. “I didn’t mean to unload all of my problems on you. I was just rambling because I’m scared.”
“Well, you need to reduce stress now. Not increase it worrying about things. So I want to help.”
My hopes rose. “What do you mean?”
“First, the studio apartment in Queens. There’s something I haven’t mentioned to you about your summer rental.”
“What?”
“I own it.”
“You bought the house?”
“Not today. I meant I’m the owner you rented from, well, my corporation is. This house and two others out here were part of my inheritance from my grandfather. He actually owned a bunch, and he split them up between my brother, my father and me—like he did with a lot of his other businesses.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
Rush chuckled. “I have no fucking idea. I thought it was funny at first, an odd coincidence, and then I just forgot about that you didn’t know.”
“That’s so weird. There are thousands of houses out here, and you happen to own the one that I’m renting for the summer? And I happen to get a job in your bar?”
“My mother would say someone up there…” He shook his thumb up at the sky. “…wanted us to meet.”
I smiled. “I’d have to say I agree with her.”
“Anyway. It’s not rented after Labor Day. Normally, I just get a couple of straggler rentals for a few weekends here and there in the off-season, not much until next summer. If I calculated correctly, your due date will be the end of the winter. Stay out here. Use the house over the winter rent-free. You can give up your studio apartment in Queens and save some money until next summer comes.”
Wow. Totally not what I expected, but it was also a lot more than I could accept from him. “Rush…that’s very generous of you, but…”
He raised his hand stopping me. “Let me finish. This solves a lot of your worries, not just the studio apartment one. You want to write—the book you’re writing is set in the Hamptons. You said yourself you’d be happy if you could turn it into a series. Well, you’ll write that series better by staying out here. And, I pretty much lose my entire staff after Labor Day. The restaurant closes in October, but I keep the bar open year-round. It turns into a bunch of locals who don’t drink all the stupid shit that the summer brats out here drink. So I’ll teach you how to make a few drinks, and you can stay on as my bartender so that you have steady work.”
“Rush…I don’t know what to say…”
His hand went up again. “Not done yet.”
I smiled, my hopes growing by the minute. “Okay.”
“The last thing you’re worried about—not ready to be a mother. I can’t really help you there, myself. But I have the perfect person who can—my mother raised me alone. I’m sure she would love to come out and spend time with you and teach you mom shit.”
“Mom shit…”
“Whatever you need to learn to make yourself feel better.”
This morning I’d dropped a bomb on this man, and instead of getting pissed off and running for the hills, he’d spent the day trying to solve all of my problems for me. And he had most of it figured out. It was incredibly generous and thoughtful. But he’d missed the most important part of what I’d said this morning. Or maybe he hadn’t…
“Rush. That is the most kind and generous offer that anyone has ever attempted to give me. And I truly appreciate it more than you will ever know. But…” I wasn’t sure how to say what I really wanted after he’d just given me so much.
“What?”
“I did say all those things. And I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate all that you’re offering and how much you thought about things today. But the point of me telling you all of that earlier wasn’t so that you can solve my problems. The point was, when I was done telling you how afraid I am of all those things…” I took a deep breath and locked gazes with Rush before getting to the most important part. “I told you I was afraid of all those things and yet what terrifies me the most is…what happens between me and you now.”
Rush’s eyes told me the answer before he found the words. He looked distraught and sad, mixed with a touch of what I thought might be guilt. With a deep breath, he reached forward and squeezed my knee.
“I’m sorry, Gia. I really am. I just…I’m not ready for a family. I wasn’t even sure if I saw a serious relationship in my life at all before I met you. It’s why I kept trying to slow us down. You’re an amazing woman, and I want to help you however I can. But shit just got real, and now it’s not just you I’ll fuck up when I eventually…I just…I’m not ready for this.”
It felt like a fifty-pound weight had settled onto my chest. It made it hard to breathe. “I understand.”
He squeezed my knee again to get my attention. Rush looked as sad as I felt. “Stay in the house. Work the winter at The Heights. Let me help in that way, at least.”
The taste of salt in my throat told me I wasn’t going to be able to hold back the tears much longer. Rush felt bad enough. He was trying to do the right thing as much as he could. This wasn’t his burden to carry. I stood. “It’s a lot to think about. But I really appreciate your offer.”
“Gia…” He stood. It was torture not being able to reach out and touch him in the moment.
“I gotta go inside. Nature calls.”
He looked crestfallen but nodded.
I held my head high as I hurried to the door—hoping, just hoping, that I could disguise my running away as bravery and make it a little bit easier for Rush.