CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Fere Libenter Homines Id Quod Volunt Credunt
Cash had been in my arms. He’d brought me immense pleasure on the floor of my office. And now he fought for his life inside a machine in a shuttle that was so new it still wasn’t furnished. I sat on the floor and listened to the buzz of the med machine as it tried to save his life.
Tried seemed to be the operative word. Lewis kept jumping up to adjust the parameters of the machine every time it tried to give up on him.
“Honey.” I spoke from the floor. “Is Cash in terrible pain?”
Lewis turned to look at me, and I could have sworn he’d aged ten years. “Maybe. It’s difficult to know. His brain waves are erratic, and the sedative may or may not have been able to work considering the level of burn damage.”
Ari walked over and handed me a glass of water. “You should go. There’s nothing to do here. Lewis and I will get you if something happens.”
“Tell me what happened in that room.” I didn’t want to go, and I wasn’t going to let them order me around anymore than I let Damian when he’d told me not to go near the scene.
Lewis chewed on his bottom lip. He was exhausted, but I wasn’t going to suggest he sleep. To even say it would indicate I didn’t know Lewis at all.
Ari spoke first. “Things were pretty status quo. I was sitting on a bench trying to ignore flying vampire bats battering me—”
Lewis shook his head. “That’s perfectly normal at this stage. You’re doing amazingly well. I thought you’d still be curled in a ball. I’d still be that way. Cash was the one who told me the best thing I could do for you was to let you work when the hallucinations weren’t riding you. Even if it was only minutes a day right now. He reads people better than I do.”
I nodded. Lewis had always thought that way. One of the first things he’d told me when we met was that Cash had a better bedside manner than he did.
“Well, it wasn’t a working moment for me.” He sat down next to me. Up close I could see the dark circles under Ari’s eyes. Did the hallucinations follow him into sleep?
Was Cash having nightmares right now? “Go on.”
Lewis stared at the med machine keeping Cash alive, a feat he’d never be able to do on his own. Still, if the machine said it gave up, Lewis had to know how to instruct it to try another way. He read blood reports and inputted them as needed. Lewis decided when to take him out of the machine and when to put him in.
It all fell on his shoulders. “I was looking at the cells we got from the McCord flu. Cash wanted to get us all some food. You know how good he is with the flu cells. He wanted to use the nanos to inject the DNA with—”
I waved my hand in the air. “I won’t understand it. I know you’re all brilliant.”
“As are you, Doll.” Lewis rubbed his forehead. “Anyway, he stepped toward the door. He should have been out of there. But he heard something. He said, ‘What is that noise?’ and he stopped to look. Then the bomb went off. Ari and I were both thrown, but Cash was closer. If he’d actually walked out of the tent, he’d have been fine.” Lewis slammed his hand down on a table, and four different tablets went flying. “Why did he stop?”
I stood. “Because he’s Cash. If he heard something, he’d want to know what it was.”
One minute I’d been in his arms, the next Cash fought for his life. I couldn’t allow this to go unpunished. Although I had no doubt Sterling could get the job done, I wasn’t going to sit here and wait. I wanted to put eyes on the man who might have taken my love from me.
“I’ll be back.”
Lewis met my gaze. “What are you going to do? I know it’s not sleep.”
“Don’t ask me, Lewis. You won’t like the answer.”
Cash had taught me to always tell the truth, even if it was to inform the other person I wasn’t going to answer. Lewis groaned but didn’t argue. I couldn’t make him feel better on this one, and I didn’t want to.
I stomped through the snow. Technically, Sterling’s location with our traitor should have been secret. However, I knew him as well as I knew myself. I would want Artemis to be the place where he took care of this business, and Sterling would feel the same way. That was our home and the only place to do justice for Cash.
Damian leaned against the door outside of the engine room, and Judge stood a little to the left. What surprised me was that squatting there as well was my old friend Jackson. They all raised their gazes to mine at the same time. If they were surprised to see me, no one said anything.
I addressed Jackson first. “Do you know him?”
He shook his head. “Not even a little bit. Totally different jobs. He worked in food. I don’t like traitors.”
“He’s been invaluable in helping Sterling get information out of the guy in there.” Judge pointed behind him. I wasn’t going to ask how. I’d told Sterling to do what he had to, and I’d meant it. If Jackson was part of that plan, then I liked him even more.
“Great.” I met Damian’s gaze. This was only going to happen if he went along, and much as he’d mellowed since he’d met me—happiness took some of the edge off his shoulders—he had always been in charge and a fierce opponent when need be. I loved him for it. “I want to go in there. I want to see that man, speak to him.”
Damian raised his eyebrows slowly. “Is that so?”
I wanted to look the man in the eye, and I didn’t want to be told not to do it. Hearing “no” never went over well with me. Today, it would be a big mistake to get in my way, even if I loved them all to death.
“He’s tied up.” Judge looked at the floor. “He can’t hurt her, and you could give her your gun.”
I’d known Judge would be on my side. “I have a gun.” I always would, from now on.
“Then I guess you don’t need mine.” Damian stepped away from the wall. “There’s not going to be any stopping this, is there?”
He knew me so well.
Jackson looked between all of us. “Damn, when I have a wife—if I ever have a wife—it’s just going to be me. How do you all manage this? So many personalities for one decision and you’re all just doing what she wants. What I say will go.”
Damian snorted and then grinned. “Boy, will you have a lot to learn about marriage. I don’t tell Diana what to do. I can’t even get her to stay put when there’s a fire, a bomb, and someone trying not to die. I wouldn’t want any other kind of woman. Who would want a wife who let herself be bossed around? It wouldn’t work with so many of us around. But don’t worry; you’re never going to have a wife, Jackson.”
I ignored his jab at Jackson, and Jackson’s response to my marriage. There were more important things. “I love you, Damian. I’m sorry for snapping at you in the snow when the med bay was burning. I know you were trying to protect me.”
He walked to me and stroked my cheek. “Always.”
Judge smiled at both of us. “I wouldn’t have any other life than ours.”
I pushed back the tears his words brought onto me. I needed anger not sadness. “He’s not dead, and he’s not going to be.”
Sterling came out of the room where he’d put our traitor. “I heard the whole thing.” Of course he had; he had super hearing. “He’s secured. I’ll be out here.”
“No.” I leaned up to kiss him. “Take a walk. I want privacy in there. I don’t want you hearing every word I say.”
He raised his eyebrows. “I can’t do that. Taking care of you is foremost in my brain. I already have one member of my family fighting for his life. I’m not going to judge. Want to hurt the bastard? Hurt him.”
I would have preferred to have done this alone. I wasn’t even sure what I was going to do or say. Having Sterling come in to rescue me emotionally should I fall apart would feel like defeat. If he wasn’t going to budge on this subject—and I could see in the set of his eyes that he was not—than I’d simply have to not fall apart, period.
Stepping away from them, I walked into the room. The man who Sterling had determined was responsible for this was strapped to a chair. Ropes and chains kept him where he was. When he lifted his eyes to look at me, his vision was clear. They hadn’t drugged him.
“You’re the spawn of the bitch Melissa. The crazy one that they think is somehow okay now.”
I might enjoy this more than I should. “What’s your name?”
He seemed big, but it was hard to tell when someone was seated. He had brown hair, blue eyes, and two days’ worth of a beard grown on his cheeks. He wore overalls and snow boots. I tried to make note of the small things. I wanted to remember this moment forever.
The traitor didn’t answer me. “My name is Diana Mallory. I asked you a question.”
“Why do you care about my name?”
That was actually a good question. Why did I care? “Because I do.”
He sighed, loudly. “My name is Warren Seas.”
“Alright, Warren. I have one questions. Then I will walk out of here and leave you alone to your fate, whatever it might be. Why?”
He laughed. “You would ask me that.”
“If you are going to object to answering any question I give you, make a nasty remark every time, then we are going to be in here together a long time. I’m not going anywhere until you answer me.”
Warren leaned forward in his chair as best as he could, considering the restraints. “I did it because it is time for the Sandlers to claim their rightful place in the universe, and that means getting rid of all of you.”
That was an interesting response. Typical, and yet it begged for more questions. I’d never spoken to a Sandler supporter before. “Are you related to Garrison Sandler?”
He cleared his throat. “No.”
“Do you know him well? His family?” I took a step away from Walter and sat down on the ground to make myself comfortable. We might be at this for a while.
He gritted his teeth. “I have never met the great man myself.”
“Oh, you haven’t. Yet you were willing to come here, set off an explosive which might very well leave my husband dead, and be caught—and you have to know eventually killed—for him? Why is that? Has he taken something of yours? Someone of yours? Blackmail?”
That would at least make sense to me.
“I do this for him because he’s a great man. When he frees us from the poverty we live in—pushed upon all of us by people like you—we’ll at last have what’s coming to us. He’ll never forget my sacrifice.”
If Cash weren’t almost dead, I’d actually feel sorry for this man. He was downright deluded. “Here’s the thing, and I hate to be the one to break this to you, but Garrison Sandler doesn’t care a whit about you. He’s a very rich man, money and power he’s made off the backs of others. I know his sons. He wants them back because they make him more money. They don’t want anything to do with him except to see him dead. You’re poor because that is how awful it is out there, how the universe has still not recovered from what we humans did to it. Not because of people like me.”
I rose. I no longer wanted to be comfortable. “Have you ever been to Mars Station? Because whatever you think this is about, it’s really about land. Valuable planets and space stations. Mars doesn’t have a lot going for it, but the Station is situated right in the exact spot by the black hole. Garrison wants it for trading rights, nothing else.”
“You are all—”
I cut him off. I wasn’t interested in whatever he thought we all were. “If you were walking down the promenade in Mars Station, my family would probably not speak to you. My mom is busy all the time. My dad and uncles are preoccupied. But if you needed something, if you fell on tough times, they’d help you. No one lives homeless on our station. Everyone gets medical help or assistance with employment. They’d notice. They’d help you. Good luck getting Sandler to do the same.”
He wasn’t moved. I could see it in his eyes. Nothing I was saying meant anything to him. This had been pointless. It didn’t even make me feel better. I had one more thing to say.
“That man who is fighting for his life, thanks to you, is a great man. He’s a doctor. He has saved millions of lives. Cured flus. Brought people back from the brink of death. He would help you—even after this—if you needed it. He’s my husband, and I love him. You’d better hope he doesn’t die. If he does, I won’t be responsible for what the men out there do to you.”
I turned and walked out of the room. I should have known better than to have gone in there to begin with. My father had always told me, people believe what they want to believe. There really isn’t any changing their feelings or opinions. Warren believed the world would be better with Sandler in charge. He would not hear otherwise.
I closed the door behind me to find my three husbands and Jackson waiting in the hallway. Only Sterling would have heard what was said in there. It didn’t matter. I stood very still, and Jackson stepped forward, crossing in front of me before he went back into the room with Warren.
I listened for the door snapping shut and then fell into the waiting arms of my three guys. Judge and Damian didn’t know what had transpired in the room, but they held me just the same. We stayed like that a long time; just the sound of Artemis’ stationary engines cooing away filled the air around us.
With Jackson watching Warren, the rest of us sat vigil next to Cash, who remained critical in the med machine. Ari eventually left to go try to get some sleep in a tent I’d assigned him. The room was quiet—the kind of silence that comes when there really is nothing left to say. The air feels heavy in those moments, and periodically I’d have to remind my tired brain of exactly what was going on. There had been an explosion. Cash might not make it.
We were living in the middle of a war.
Next to me, Lewis snored. I turned to look at him. He sat leaning against the wall, his head arched back, mouth open, out cold. When had he nodded off? I had no doubt he’d snap to alertness if the machine made a noise that it needed his attention. But for now, I was glad he’d closed his eyes. This was rough on all of us—Cash the most so—but Lewis the worst after that. Better he sleep when he could.
I scanned the room. I’d been very lost in my own mind. How were the others doing? Judge was head down on a table, asleep on his own arm as a pillow. Damian, sitting on the other side of me, had his eyes closed. Sterling had pulled his knees up and rested his head on them. I doubted he was fully asleep, but he also rested.
They could all wait this out in near unconsciousness, but I couldn’t. Cash was in the machine. I rose quietly, trying not to disturb anyone, and other than Lewis moving his head slightly, no one budged. On quiet toes, I touched the med machine.
I could picture him as I’d first seen him. When I’d woken on Orion, Lewis had sent for him. Cash had appeared over me. He’d seemed very severe. Handsome and remote. Now I knew he had a fast smile, a big heart, and a brain that never quit working.
We’d had our special place above his office, and when I’d thought I was going to become a zombie, that was where I’d gone to die. I’d felt close to him there.
“Don’t leave me, Cash.” I whispered my words as silent tears exploded from my eyes. I’d already lost him in my head once; they’d all been gone from me. But this was different. I’d been able to think they had a future, a long life, which granted, hadn’t included me. I’d hated it. Cash dying now? When we’d still not been able to settle down and really live together? No, I couldn’t stand it.
I wanted to pound something and managed to resist the urge to do it on the med machine. Hands came around me, and although I would have thought it would be Sterling, it was Damian who held on to me from behind. He pulled me from the room until we both stood outside in the snow.
If I’d woken anyone else, they didn’t move.
“Damian, this is a bad idea. I want to hit something. I want to rage. I don’t want to do that to you.”
He raised his arms in the air. “You can pound on me, Diana.”
“I’d never hurt you.” I turned around. The near freezing weather on my not-dressed-for-it body helped cool me down. “Cash is holding on for dear life in there. I can see it on Lewis’ face. He thinks he’s going to have to let him go. He’s not sure he believes anymore. My family is missing. Why haven’t we heard from them? Are they dead? How on earth am I supposed to take care of my brothers and sisters? Why did I think I could do this?” I’d been neglecting the kids since the explosion. They had wonderful babysitters, but I was going to have to check in. I had to do better than this. I had to. My ears rang.
Panic was on the horizon.
“Diana,” Damian’s voice grounded me. “Look up and tell me some things you can see. Name them.”
I put my hands on my knees. “What?”
“Do it. Please.” I never could resist his please.
“I can see the snow. The tents. The door to this tent. Artemis a ways away. Transport ships for equipment. And the generators that make light.”
He nodded once. “Great. What could you touch? If I wasn’t afraid you’d burn your skin off in the cold, I’d have you reach out to them. But what could you?”
“Did you get a degree in psychology that I’ve somehow missed?” I knew I was being awful to him. Why didn’t he walk away? “Why don’t you leave me here to my own mood?”
My husband ran a hand through his hair. He had to also be freezing. “Diana.”
“Fine, if I had to, I could touch the ground. The door. My sweater. You.” I breathed in through my nose.
He stepped closer to me and touched the back of my head, running his hands through my hair. “Three things you can hear.”
“My heart in my ears, although it’s lessening. The generators buzzing and the whirl of the wind.”
He held up two fingers. “Smell?”
Smell? I closed my eyes. That was harder. “Your soap, there’s a minty quality to it. And the snow has a smell; I can’t describe it other than the scent of snow. The newness, the white in my mouth.”
“Open your eyes.” I did as he asked. “What can you taste?”
“The bitter remnants of the coffee I had earlier.”
Damian smiled at me, a warm acceptance that told me he’d never go anywhere, no matter how much I pushed him away. Or tried to. “You look better.”
I lifted my head and stood, wrapping my arms around him. I wasn’t totally fixed; with my tongue issues and now-apparent anger problem, I might never be. This was better. He squeezed me tight against him.
“Now that you’re not about to spiral off to panic land, take your voice from me, and who knows when you’ll come back, I’ll tell you something. Lewis lost hope when you were sick with the flu. Cash gave it back to him. That’s why they’re such a good team. Lewis can fix people; it’s an amazing gift. But he gets lost to the enormity of it sometimes. Cash can’t see the picture in his head of the human body like Lewis can. He can’t envision what has to happen as easily. He can do the science, the research. He believes in Lewis, and Lewis believes in Cash. Lewis losing hope doesn’t mean he’s right. It means he’s lost the path.” He kissed my forehead. “Don’t take it as a sign of anything other than it just being who Lewis is.”
I burrowed my head into Damian’s chest. “You’re right, and I’m cold. You have to be, too.”
“Then let’s get back in there.”
I let him take me back to where we would wait for Cash to wake up, recovered. If Lewis needed someone to believe, I would be that person. I wouldn’t lose hope again.
I sat down next to Damian on the floor. He laid me down on his legs, and I snuggled against him. I listened to the sounds of the machines in the room and the slight intakes of my guys breathing. Eventually, darkness found me and I slept.
My dreams were odd. One image would jump from another. A memory of Orion—like helping Judge fix the air purifier—to one that had never happened, where I flew over the promenade on Mars Station singing at the top of my voice.
I didn’t sleep long, and when I woke, nothing had changed. My movements roused Damian. He was so adorable when he first woke. I leaned up to kiss him. “I need to check the kids. I’m the worst sister ever.”
“I’ll go with you,” Judge answered me from across the room. I hadn’t realized he was up.
Damian stretched his arms over his head. “I’ll go see what’s going on with Jackson. He’s keeping everything running.”
“After I check on the kids, there is something I have to do.” I couldn’t help but think of Warren locked up on Artemis. “I need to know why everyone who is here is here. What are their reasons for being here on this planet? With us? Why did they follow my family here? Each and every one of them.”
Sterling sucked in a long breath, apparently waking or at least feeling like speaking again. “Are you worried about their loyalty?”
I thought about how everything Warren believed was, to my point of view, completely wrong. “I want to know their whys. People believe what they will. So why does this crew believe in my family?”
It mattered.