CHAPTER SEVEN
Necessary Roughness
I woke from the procedure a little dizzy. Lewis stared down at me, a smile on his face.
“Hey there,” he said, then kissed my cheek. “Everything went well. You hearing me? Do understand words again? You wake up hard, Doll. I hate it.” He kissed my cheek again. “Can you nod if you understand me?”
My tongue felt fine, and I wasn’t surprised. The understanding I’d gained from my own memory stayed with me. I at least grasped what I was feeling.
“I can do more than nod at you.” I forced myself to sit. I’d spent enough time flat on my back getting medical attention lately. I was officially done with it. The thought made me look at my arm. The skin was actually pink. I’d gotten so used to having the patch of white, nearly dead disgustingness on my arm I’d forgotten what it looked like to be normal.
A small, clear tube attached at one end of where the patch of dead skin had been to the other end of it. A pink liquid travelled from one end of the tube to the other.
Lewis ran a hand through my hair. “You can talk again. That’s a huge gift. Such a relief. Okay. The others will be thrilled. Cash was amazing. Small microchip in there keeps the medicine moving through your blood stream but pushes it specifically where you need it. When you need more, the machine will ping his tablet and one of us will insert the liquid directly into the tube. No touching you with needles.”
For a person who liked machines as much as I did, this one was amazing. I couldn’t feel it, couldn’t see it, and yet it was making my life so much better. “I … ah … I can’t thank you enough. And Cash. Where is he?”
“Well, we have found Ari. Or, at least, the ship he’s on. Sterling was able to track it from the messages being sent back and forth.” Lewis grinned. “Cash is getting things ready for the rescue. He’ll go with Sterling and Judge onto the other ship for the rescue. We might be ready to go get him a few hours from now.”
I took a deep breath. That was good news. So why did I feel like hell? “I’ve never been very good at expressing myself. I’ve always been the kind of person who lets things go. But sometimes, I can’t. And then I don’t know what to do with it.”
Lewis nodded, his hands coming to his hips. “Are you mad at me, Doll? Because of the needles? You got mad at me, didn’t know what to do, and stopped talking?”
“I don’t know that it’s that simple. I’m mad at all of you. I love you so completely, and I want to rage at all of you. So maybe it would have been better if I’d just kept not talking.” I held up my arm. “Anything I need to know about this? After care?”
“Ah.” Lewis scratched his head. “No, it’s fairly self-explanatory. I’ll check it several times a week for a bit, and then we’ll move to simply adding the medicine when needed. Hold on, you’re mad at all of us? What did we do?”
I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I didn’t know who this person was whom I’d become in the last two years. I wasn’t sure I liked her, and I didn’t expect the guys to either. “Thank you for saving my life over and over, Lewis.”
I scooted past him. I needed some time to think. I wouldn’t change anything about my first night back with them for anything in the world, but I hadn’t had a breather where I wasn’t out cold since we’d all gotten back together.
And once they knew how truly awful I was, they’d likely not want anything to do with me anymore. This time I wasn’t sure I would survive it.
* * *
A pounding on my door interrupted my staring at the ceiling. I scooted down until I could get off my bed and onto the floor. The pounding came again. I opened the door to find Judge standing in the hall.
He stared at me for a moment, a tic in his jaw indicating his mood before he even said a word. If I had to guess, I’d have put money on Lewis filling him in on our non-conversation from earlier.
“You’re mad?” He stormed past me into my room, his shoulders back. He wasn’t bouncy Judge right now. This was the other side of Judge, the part that could focus and get massive amounts of work done.
I pointed at him. “I’m angry. Mad implies I just got upset. I’m carrying around a lot of stuff. I can’t help it. Did you come here to yell at me?”
“Maybe.” He raised his eyebrows. “Why are you angry?”
I’d known the second I’d opened my mouth to Lewis earlier that this moment would come. I hadn’t expected it to be Judge. Damian or Sterling had seemed more likely. Even Cash wouldn’t have surprised me. But I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen Judge angry before. He seemed so … rigid.
“I’m furious at you because you got sent back to Evander, because the chip in your necks took you all away from me. I’m pissed as hell because you all promised me you wouldn’t ever leave me. And then you did. For years. Is that fair? No. I’m angry at myself for carrying this resentment. I’m not a good person because I feel this way.”
Judge rocked back on his heels. “You know what? I’m fucking angry at you, too.”
“No kidding. You have every right to be upset at my anger. It sucks. Trust me, I’m the one living with it.”
He snorted. “I’m not angry at your anger. I’ve been pissed at you for years. Why the hell did you go and get bit by that Infected? I’ve watched the video over and over and over again. All you had to do was turn around. How did you not hear it? How did you not know the thing was standing right behind you? I’m so mad at you I can hardly see straight over it.”
He was mad I’d gotten bitten? “As the person who had to live with the almost dying, I can tell you it really sucked. I obviously didn’t do that on purpose, and before you go and tell me you didn’t get sucked back into that tube purposefully either, I’m here to let you know that I never promised you I wouldn’t.”
“Damn it, Diana. You don’t have the monopoly on pain on Artemis. We thought you were dead. We lived for months like that. I actually know what it’s like to exist in a universe where you are no longer living and breathing anywhere. At least in my mind. You think it was miserable imagining us moving on? Try thinking you never can.”
I guessed Judge was done yelling because he pounded his hand on the side of the door before he stormed out of my room. I sunk to the ground, my heart racing what felt like a million miles an hour. I’d expected to face Cash or Damian in anger but not Judge. I’d never seen his temper before. The truth was, for all that I loved them—and I still did and always would—it was ridiculous for me to assume everything was going to be okay just because we’d all gotten back together.
In the past, we’d lived in such strangely safe surroundings on Orion. With the exception of the Zombies and, as it turned out, the chips in their necks that sucked them into their pods, we’d had little to nothing to worry about. I’d fretted over my family. Still, there had been almost nothing for us to argue about. Things had changed. I’d changed. It would be ridiculous to think my husbands hadn’t.
I put my head between my knees and tried to breathe. I’d spoken my truth. It didn’t make me feel anything but small, but there it was. My voice was back. Ari had warned me during our talks on the promenade of Mars Station. Not speaking was easy; opening up was the grueling part. When the tears came, I didn’t try to stop them. I’d always hated crying, but sometimes there was nothing else to do. Particularly when I’d made Judge so furious.
* * *
A knock on my door caught my attention, and I lifted my head to see who stood there. I’d cried myself dry, and my head pounded.
Sterling opened the door and then walked through it before I could answer the knock. He stared at me. I’d barely gotten through my ordeal with Judge. Managing Sterling’s anger and disappointment was going to be a big problem in my current state.
“You’re both going to have to get over yourselves.” He sunk down on the floor next to me. “I’m not mad at either of you. If you want to be pissed off because the universe sometimes sucks, you can have at it, sweet baby. I choose to think the fact that you’re alive and we got here is an indication that sometimes things go right. He’s out there obsessing that you’ll never forgive him for venting his spleen, and you’re worrying over …”
He let his voice trial off, a clear indication he wanted me to answer his still not quite articulated question.
“I’m worried we’ve made a terrible mistake. We all changed in the time we were apart. Maybe this doesn’t work anymore. Maybe my being angry when I shouldn’t be is an indication we’re not as compatible in the cold universe as we were on the planet.”
Sterling shrugged, and I gaped at him. He shrugged? That was his whole response?
He gave me a sideways grin and shook his head. “Don’t overthink it. You love me. I love you. I know you also love Judge, and that guy would tear himself up for you in a heartbeat. If we have to have drama to have your voice, then so be it. Say what you think. We’ll do the same. I know your soul. We haven’t made a mistake.”
I put my head on his shoulder. He smelled like smoke, which was an odd scent, and it made me sniff. “Something burning?”
“I built some bombs. Had to do it. I don’t trust Judge with explosives right now.”
“You’re going to rescue Ari.”
He took my hand in his. “Here’s the thing. You have to come. He doesn’t know me. I don’t want him fighting his rescue. So you are coming even though it kills me to bring you. Pull it together. We’ve got to go get your psychiatrist.”
“He’s really more of a friend.”
Sterling rose, and I got up with him. “I actually prefer to think of him as your doctor, if it’s all the same to you. I’m not all that comfortable with the idea of friend. I’m not sharing your heart with anyone who isn’t on this ship this very moment. So, yeah, okay, we’ll figure out friends and how I won’t kill them from jealousy.”
“It’s not at all the same—”
He didn’t let me finish. Instead, with my hand safely ensconced in his, we walked out toward the outfitting area. The ship had changed a bit since I’d been on it last, and not just with furniture they’d added. The guys had set up a whole military area with guns, knives, shielding, and what looked like some kind of bomb distributer. It was actually a return for the old lady Artemis. My uncles had a similar space when they’d lived on her. But it had been disbanded by the time I’d had the unfortunate luck to get thrown through the black hole. Or fortunate luck, as the case turned out to be. It was as I thought about the past that the truth of what was happening hit me like a sledgehammer, which was also in the weapons closet, ironically.
“Wait.” I stopped moving. I hated cowardice, particularly in myself. “I’ve never done anything like this before. We’re going onto that ship, and we’re …”
Damian rounded the corner, pulling me toward him for a kiss on the mouth. Sterling didn’t let go of my hand, and I ended up nestled between them. After his kiss, Damian grinned. “We’re going to go get your buddy Ari. You’re going to stay behind Sterling and in front of me. Nothing will touch you. We’ll take care of this. You’re going to be an observer.”
Sterling groaned. “An observer with a gun.” As if to stress his point, he let go of my hand in order to stick a weapon in it. I knew how to shoot. I’d proven it to them on Orion. It was one of the perks of having my uncles and my father in my life. They’d made sure I was really, really good at shooting.
But, I’d never pointed one at anyone. I’d barely managed the zombies.
“Oh.” Damian whirled around. “The next time you want to get really mad and yell, do it to me. I won’t storm out until one of us gets naked and after everything that you, yes it’ll be you, getting naked implies.”
I jolted. That was not the Damian reaction I’d expected. Hurt at my anger, yes; joking, no. He patted Sterling on the arm. “Hurry. We’re only going to be unseen by their sensors for so long. You said it yourself. Nothing is invisible forever.”
When had he said that? Damian walked onto the shuttle in time for Cash to stick his head out of the hatch. “Oh good, you got her. I’m still not sure on this. She had surgery hours ago.”
“Looks okay to me.” Sterling kissed my hand holding the gun. “Come on. Let’s get going so we can get back. And besides, if she needs any help with the tube on her arm, she has the man who invented it himself to help her out.”
I didn’t see Judge, and Lewis wasn’t around. I wanted to say goodbye before I went on to do whatever they had planned on the mission to get Ari. Judge and I had things left to say that didn’t include yelling, and it seemed weird that Lewis wasn’t there to see me off. On Orion he hadn’t liked me to go into storage areas without giving me a hug. Was he angry?
Sterling put a hand on the center of my back and ushered me onto the shuttle. If Artemis was old, the shuttles were even more ancient. I looked around at the peeling paint. Someone needed to pay attention to this place. At least I knew what I’d be doing when we got back from this event.
“I—” The door had no sooner shut than the shuttle jolted while it pulled away from Artemis. None of them would make eye contact with me.
I took a deep, steadying breath. “What’s going on?”
Cash raised his gaze. “We didn’t exactly tell Lewis and Judge you were coming with us.”
“What?” This went against everything I knew about them. They’d been all about the honesty on Orion. When Lewis had taken me to the heated cave without telling the others, it had been a big problem. “Why?”
Damian cleared his throat. “Lewis isn’t going to like you running off on this mission hours after surgery. He’d be right; I’d don’t much care for it either, but I’m more willing to bend the rules because Cash is here. And Judge isn’t in any emotional state to deal with you going off anywhere. We decided he didn’t need to know.”
Cash snorted. “You mean you decided. You and Sterling. And then next thing I knew, they’d convinced me to get on the shuttle and go along with this plan. Lewis is going to ring my neck.”
“And Judge is going to rage.” Sterling yawned. “We need her. End of story.” He sat down in the navigation chair. “Just like we discussed. In and out. Cash remains on the shuttle.”
I plopped myself down in one of the extra seats in the control room. “This is really feeling off, guys. Since when do you lie to each other?”
“Lewis wouldn’t hesitate to lie to us if he needed something in regards to you. For Judge, this is a first. But he’s not reasonable. He needs a break—a time out of sorts.”
I rubbed my eyes. “For the record, I’m not okay with this. I don’t want to start hiding things. My mother made that mistake, or at least that’s the stories that I’ve heard. Before I was born. She kept all the men in her life on a need to know basis. That’s not how I want things to be.”
Sterling swirled in his chair. “Well, until a few hours ago, you weren’t speaking. I had to improvise. You want Ari alive. You do as I say, he comes back alive. If Judge gets his feelings hurt and Lewis seethes, then so be it”
I could have pointed out the obvious, which was that they were going to be upset because they loved me and would be worried about my safety. They knew Lewis and Judge and how upset they’d be.
I needed to be clear on the plan. I didn’t want to screw it up. “So we grab and go? Like some kind of robbery?” I’d seen someone do it on the promenade once. It had seemed a desperate move. There was nowhere to go. They’d been caught very quickly.
“Damian is going to disable their systems. Temporarily. We’ll have ten minutes to get him and get off.”
I stood. “If they’ve taken him onto one of the Sandler command ships, they’re huge. We aren’t going to find him that quickly.”
Sterling showed me a toothy grin. “That’s why it’s so good that we don’t have to worry about figuring out which room he’s in. I’ve got that under control.”
“How’s that? Did they announce it over an airwave while I was out cold?”
“It’s obvious.”
It was? “Again I ask, how so?”
“Judge broke into their system, downloaded the schematic before he came in and started a fight with you.”
I shook my head. “Arguably I did that.”
Damian reached over and stroked my hair. “Arguably Lewis did that when he came out and shared the news about you being angry and that’s why you weren’t speaking.”
“Aha, that’s why you didn’t tell him. You’re mad at Judge because he yelled at me, and you’re angry at Lewis because somehow this is all his fault?”
None of that was fair. I had caused all of this. A muscle in Cash’s jaw ticked. “We just got you back. I’m not going to lose you. Do you understand? I love you. Lewis should have kept your freak-out to himself, and Judge should have kept his temper in check. Years from now, when we’re all secure, we can all fight then.”
“Arguments don’t work like that. They happen when they happen. I’m not good at them. But I hardly think it’s fair to blame—”
Sterling pointed at the screen in front of us. “I don’t care about any of this. Fight, don’t fight. I’m not participating. The point I was making earlier was that I went ahead and figured out the only place on the ship where they could be keeping Ari. We should be fine getting in and out.”
Damian nodded. “We’re set. View screen is on.” A quick picture of the ship we were approaching danced into view. Unlike modern ships, Artemis’ shuttle sometimes still battled to show a correct picture on the screen. I stepped toward it.
“Sterling, that is not just any ship. After Quinn Sandler blew up Tommy’s old ship, this one took over as lead in the fleet. Its one of the best ships ever built, well, according to Tommy who designed it.”
Sterling shrugged. “I’m going to blow it to smithereens after we get off.”
I hated the thought of death, but I wasn’t naive. I’d seen this particular ship before, up close and in person. It had fired on Artemis, forcing me to jettison my brother out in a pod to save him; then I’d plummeted through a black hole.
As it turned out, my future had been waiting for me. Of course, that hadn’t been the outcome Sandler had been hoping for. If they couldn’t take me, they wanted me dead so they could harm my mother.
I didn’t have any problem with blowing them up. Cash’s hand on his back caught my attention. His voice was low. “Violence is difficult, I know. Human life is—”
I shook my head to interrupt him. “I’m not having trouble with the violence. I’m remembering … other times. Sterling, the Sandlers aren’t to be underestimated. They’re a nightmare.”
“I got this.”
I let Cash pull me against him. He smelled like home, and for a few seconds I drifted in the scent.
“Does your arm feel okay?”
I took a deep breath. “If it didn’t, what would you propose doing about it?”
“I’d try to fix it.”
I lifted my arm so he could see. “It’s a little itchy.”
“That’s probably the new skin coming alive.”
“All right, we’re ready. Damian’s going to screw with their systems.” Sterling grinned, which would have been completely inappropriate for anyone except him, and spun in his chair. “I love days like today.”
I was glad someone did.
* * *
The alarm sounded loudly on the Sandler command ship. It made my ears throb but covered our insertion very well. Sterling docked our shuttle in an empty slot made for one of their own shuttles, which they would soon find was missing and floating somewhere out in space headed to who knew where. They could ponder it for about five seconds before Sterling blew them up.
With the commotion of every single one of their systems either shutting down or starting to go down, they hadn’t noticed our arrival and would hopefully not notice our departure. My heart lodged in my throat, and I was sure the hand holding Sterling’s was coated in sweat.
If it bugged him, he didn’t say. Behind me Damian stayed so close to me he could have practically crawled inside of my jacket with me. Sterling had said they meant to keep me safe, and they’d evidently meant it.
If Sterling was correct, then we were only two hallways away from where they held Ari. Damian’s plans would have brought all hands on deck into the engine room and the navigation console. Hopefully, Ari had minimal guards with him.
I heard the noise the same time that Damian did.
In two shots, Damian had them both down on the floor. Sterling didn’t even turn around. “Good work, Damian.”
“Thanks.”
Neither of my husbands seemed particularly fazed. I knew all about Sterling’s background, but when had Damian become so good at killing?
Every step I took after that one felt like I moved one step closer to my death. I knew it was dramatic, I knew it didn’t help to think about those things, but there it was. My first time not hiding from fear, not being left with the children under the floor boards, but charging toward danger, and I was a nervous wreck.
Sterling ripped an electric panel off the wall next to the door where, presumably, they kept Ari and started messing with the electrics.
He was busy. Even in my foggy-headed state of terror, which made me want to flee back to the shuttle, I knew that much. I moved to his left. Damian would cover his right, and I could do his—
“No. Back where you were. Safe between us.”
I didn’t argue with Sterling. He couldn’t afford the distraction. But I also didn’t move. He narrowed his eyes and otherwise made no comment that he’d even noticed I’d outright defied his instructions.
I heard the person coming down the hallway from the opposite direction. If Sterling or Damian did, I would never know. The scuff of the shoes on the linoleum floors, the huff and puffing of his breath—they were coming.
I raised the gun and fired.