As I stood blocking the door to Ellis’ room, I knew we’d crossed the point of no return. There was no more pretending, no more illusion and pretense of everything being fine. The past wasn’t just in the past, it was here and now and if the scab didn’t come off, it would rob us of any future we might have together.

I’d convinced myself when I was young that I could push him away, that I could cut off the part of me that belonged to him like a dead limb on a tree, but now I knew. Ellis didn’t just own a claim to a piece of my soul, he was all the best parts of it, and years of neglect and abuse had made my burdens his. I hadn’t gotten rid of them, I’d just passed them on to him. I’d left to bear not only the pain I inflicted on him but all of mine that I wouldn’t acknowledge or let come to the surface. He’d born the brunt of my dysfunction all this time, while I’d managed to convince myself that we had both moved on.

For fourteen years, I’d had guilt on my conscience, but for the first time, I was actually seeing the magnitude of it. What it had done to him. What I had taken from him.

“No one asked you to come here,” he seethed, looking like a cornered animal ready to maul. For the very first time, he was showing me the full force of the hatred I had always known was there. “No one asked you to show up in my life out of the fucking blue after fourteen goddamn years. The only thing I ever asked you for was to leave me the fuck alone, and you refuse to do that just like you did then.”

The anger was almost a relief. I deserved it, I expected it, I’d been waiting for it. The pain in his voice, the agony I could feel through our shared bond, was devastating. “I’m sorry.” They were such insufficient words, but it was the truth. I was sorry. At this point, it was a state of being. I was sorry and he was rage, and I didn’t know how we were going to bridge the gap between us, but I knew we had to or neither one of us was going to survive.

“You’re sorry?” He laughed bitterly. “Oh, you’re sorry. That’s great. That’s just great. Reece fucking Roman is sorry, and for what? Do you even know, or is it just that you think saying it enough will actually make a difference?”

“I know it won’t. I know it won’t change anything, and I know I don’t even have the right to ask, but please. Please, just tell me the truth about what happened. What Drew did to you.”

It wouldn’t change anything, but I needed to know the weight of my sin so it could sink me properly. Already, I couldn’t see the light above the surface of my guilt and his pain.

The name hit him like a blow. I saw the shift, the fire draining out of his eyes as he sank down onto the bed, leaving him hollow.

And then I knew. God, I didn’t want to know. I wanted to turn and run from him, from the truth, from the guilt, like the coward I had always been, but I didn’t.

I needed to hear the words, even if they killed me, and he deserved to say them. God help me when he did.

His eyes met mine, a question burning. “You really didn’t know?”

The disbelief in his voice was a punch in the gut. He thought I knew?

Of course he did. Why wouldn’t he? Why would he have any reason to believe there was a limit to my baseless cruelty, to what I would have allowed to happen to him?

“He hurt you.” The words came out stiff but controlled, unlike the rage burning inside my chest. “But it went further than that, didn’t it?”

He watched me and I could tell he was trying to convince himself that my ignorance was a lie. Finally, he shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

I sunk to my knees in front of him and took his hands in mine. They were ice cold even though the rest of him was on fire. “If I had known, Ellis, I swear to you, I —“ My voice broke, but it was just as well. It didn’t matter what I would have done then. I hadn’t. I bent my head and kissed his hand, unsure of which of us was trembling more. “God, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

He fell silent, his hands still in mine. When I met his gaze, it was so much softer than I’d expected. Almost as if he pitied me.

“I think maybe I knew,” he said quietly. “I told myself it was wishful thinking to refuse to believe you’d set me up like that. To let me think you wanted to talk, and then…” He trailed off, but he’d said enough. The five days he’d been absent after the first week back from school. The way he’d been after. The way Drew had moved on to other things for a while, like he’d either gotten tired of it or was afraid of the consequences if he kept going. How the hell could I not have seen it then?

Oh, right. I hadn’t wanted to. I’d been pretending like Ellis didn’t exist, because it was easier for me than facing the truth.

“You wanna know something funny?”

Somehow, I knew the next revelation out of his mouth was going to be anything other than funny, but I swallowed hard and nodded.

“He didn’t even do it because he wanted me. He did it so you’d never want me. Like that was even a thing.”

I forgot how to breathe the way I had the first time I’d really seen him, but not. Back then, it had been the wonder of him that had taken my breath away. Now, it was grief, rage, every raw emotion bordering on madness.

I hated Drew, but not nearly as much as I hated myself for letting it happen.

“Does anyone else know?”

“Brayden. We both knew if we went to anyone, our father would have killed Drew and how do you think that would have gone in a town like this?”

He was right, of course. He would have been dragged through hell all over again, forced to face the scorn of holding someone more powerful accountable. It was yet another trauma I could have sheltered him from, if I’d been halfway deserving of the gift that had been given to me. The one I’d refused and thrown away.

“He can’t get away with this.”

“He already did.” His eyes were hard again, their usual state, but I could tell his energy was fading fast. Whatever he really took was wearing off, and so was the alcohol. At least if he slept, it wouldgive me time to think. Time to formulate a plan. “I just want to forget. If you really want to make amends, please just let me do that. I was okay until you came back. I wasn’t good, but I was okay. I could compartmentalize it, I could pretend like it was part of another life, like it happened to someone else.”

His plea hurt, and so did the desperation within it. “If that’s what you really want,” I said, fighting the selfishness that was so deeply ingrained that sometimes it felt like it was the only part of me that was real. If gone was the only thing I could be to him that would lessen his pain, I’d find a way to live with that the way he’d lived without my protection all these years. It was a small penance for my sins. My father’s words haunted me with their truth. Some wounds are too deep to heal.

Some mistakes were too grave to be forgiven. I was beginning to realize how selfish it was to even try. To make this about my need for resolution when his wounds were still raw and bleeding. “When you’re better, if you want me to leave and never see you again, that’s what I’ll do. But right now, you need to rest and I’m going to stay and make sure you’re alright.”

I could tell he wanted to fight me, but he was too exhausted. He laid down on his side and I pulled the blanket over him. “Can you turn the light off?” he murmured.

“Of course.” I got up and flipped the switch. By the time I made it back to the bed, he was asleep. I sat down in the chair beside his bed and watched him for a long while, just needing to hear the sound of his breath. Finally, once I was sure he just needed to sleep it off, I left the room and made a couple of phone calls.

The reunion was coming up fast, and while I hadn’t been sure I was going, my mind was made up. One way or another, it was going to be the last one Drew Richards ever attended.

First, I had to make sure Ellis got through his heat and withdrawal without digging himself even deeper into the grave I’d started fourteen years earlier.