{Emma}

My chin quivers as my emotions spill over. It’s so unfair. How does he know the one thing I need to hear to completely break down? The first sob rips through me and my entire body convulses. He pulls me into his arms and I lose it, blubbering on his shoulder like a child.

“Why are you being so nice to me? I don’t deserve it.” I wipe my eyes as I rest my head on his chest. He brushes the hair from my face and kisses my forehead. His masculine scent fills my senses. I hate how much I love how he smells.

“You deserve more than you give yourself credit for. You are the strongest person I know.”

“No, I’m not.” I blubber against his chest. “Strong people don’t cry over something that happened ten years ago. They let it go. But I can’t. I can’t let it go. He left us.” I sob hard. “He left me. I wasn’t enough for him. I’m never enough for anyone.”

“Why would you think that?”

“I wasn’t enough for my own dad to stick around.”

“He’s one person.”

“He’s my dad,” I cry, each sob ripping through me, wracking my body. Everything hurts. My head. My heart. My very being. “That’s why I push everyone else away. That way, I won’t be so sad when they leave me, too.” I continue to cry, my tears falling onto his chest. “I’m so sad, Ryan. He didn’t love me.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” he says with a shaky voice. I don’t have to look into his eyes to know my breakdown affects him, too. It’s another thing I love about this guy. He doesn’t follow the socially accepted version of a guy, of someone who can’t show emotion. “Did you ever think he may have loved you so much he left for another reason?”

“What other reason could there be?”

“Parents leave for all kinds of reasons.” He’s silent for several seconds as he holds me and rubs my back. “Did you ever think it was the right move?”

“Never.” Not even once.

“What if she wasn’t happy?”

I stiffen. “You got the wrong gender pronoun there, buddy.”

“What if he left because your mom wasn’t happy? Did you ever think he left for you? Not because of you?”

No. There’s no way he left as some sort of charity act. He deserted my mom and me. We were all each other had because of him. “You don’t understand.”

“Maybe not. I still think having one of my parents leave would have been better than watching them take out their hatred on each other by flaunting their affairs in front of the other. It didn’t matter if my brother and I knew. Hell, half the time I think they wanted us to know as way of inflicting even more pain. It’s a pretty sucky way to grow up.”

“We’re quite the couple,” I say with a sniff. “You want someone to take you in, and I can’t stop pushing everyone away.”

“It’s a good thing we found each other. You needed this more than I did.”

I don’t like the direction this conversation has suddenly turned. I push away from his chest and meet his eyes. “Needed what?”

“A little grooming. With me, it’s all surface work. With you, your surface is, well, perfect. It’s what’s inside that needs a little work.”

I don’t know whether to be pissed he just insulted me, or hug him for thinking my outside is perfect. “I really want to hate you right now.”

He chuckles, and I can’t help but laugh along with him. I settle down on the bed, my arm curled under my head, and just look at him. He really is beautiful, inside and out. He mimics my position and we lay there, staring at each other.

He brings his finger up and returns to tracing my hip, his gaze following his movement. He’s so focused on his hand it mesmerizes me. I smile as I watch him, memorizing everything about him. It’s more than his stormy eyes, more than his cute, lopsided grin. It’s what I see behind the eyes, what draws him to flash that grin. He’s a good guy. No, he’s a great guy. I don’t deserve him.

Now I know why he wanted me stripped down. I’m exposed, with nothing to hide behind but my attitude. It would be so easy to blow up, start a huge fight that ends with one of us on the couch. At least that way we’d stop talking.

As I think about it, the more I want to talk. Britt loves to talk about herself. It’s never about me. For once, I want it to be about me. Ryan waits patiently as I debate my decision. He doesn’t push. He doesn’t say anything. He simply waits for me. For some reason, the gesture of doing nothing is more comforting than the biggest bear hug.

I settle on the bed and he does the same, mirroring my position of facing each other, a folded arm under head. For several seconds, I simply stare into his eyes. “I’m not usually the talker. I’m usually the talkee.”

“This is a first for me, too.”

I laugh softly, drawing a smile from him that lights up his smoky eyes. “First time talking to a girl without stuttering? Or first time stripping her down and forcing her to talk?”

“All of the above. And a few other firsts.”

“Like? I mean, aside from the whole V card.” I’m still flattered and a little freaked out he chose me over all the girls in the world to give up his virginity. Then again, something deep down nags at me. No virgin is that good his first time. The thought he could be playing me plagues me with doubt.

He traces my hip with his finger, lost in watching the movement. Chills pepper my skin; it feels so good. “I never thought I’d ever have a chance with someone like you.”

“What’s someone like me?”

“Smart. Sexy.” He pauses and holds his gaze on me. “Beautiful. Fun. You know,” he starts. I hold my breath, hoping he doesn’t say something else that will force me to dig deeper inside myself to figure out why I’m completely screwed up. “I don’t want you to get a big head or anything, but you’re about as close as it gets to my best friend.” He snaps his brow into a frown as he starts back up on tracing my hipbone, like his admission took everything he had.

“Who else is going to kick your ass in video games?”

He chuckles but the smile quickly melts from his face. “Do you think, when this is all over, we’ll still be friends?”

My heart skips a few beats as that question haunts my thoughts. I’ve been thinking the same thing since our first night together. “I don’t think we’ll be like this,” I say and it hurts to admit.

“But it’s not off the table,” he repeats my words back to me.

I smile through the ache in my heart. “I think it is. After the DASH, everything changes. You’ll be released into the wild.”

He rolls to his back and stares at the ceiling. “What if I don’t want what’s between us to end?”

This time my heart stops beating altogether. As much as I want to stay with him, he needs to get out there. I want him to myself from here until forever, but I can’t do that to him. He needs to experience what it’s like to be what women want. If he doesn’t, I’ll never know if it’s me he really wants, or if I’m just the first girl to say yes.

It’s my turn to trace his body. I start by running my finger along his firm abs. “We have a deal, Ryan. It’s too late to back out now.”

He sighs hard. “Yeah, I guess.”

“It’s time for baby bird to fly from the nest.”

He shakes his head. “Where do you come up with your crazy sayings?”

“It’s just how I roll.”

“I’m never going to find anyone else like you,” he confesses.

I close my eyes and rest my head on his chest, fighting against tears. My heart is breaking. Our relationship isn’t real, and yet, it feels real. We’re breaking up at the DASH. That only gives me two days left with him. I don’t want them to be filled with sadness and dread, so I change the subject. “Tomorrow I get my grade on my Java midterm. We’ll see how good you really are.”

“I predict a solid B.”

“What?” I push off his chest. “I gave you A material on your paper.”

“I changed some of it to make it sound more like me. I got a B. You’ve barely gotten Cs on your labs. If you turn in A material, they’ll know you didn’t do it. You could be suspended if they find out you let someone else do your midterm. We both could. Something like this could get us kicked out.”

I can’t breathe. Kicked out of BU? I’d die. And if I didn’t die, my mom would kill me anyway. I settle back onto his chest. “I guess we just make sure no one finds out.”

After several seconds of enjoying the silence Ryan speaks up. “There’s something else I want to do before this is all over.”

“What’s that?”

“I want to make love to you.” He’s watching me when I sit up. I don’t have the strength to do anything more than stare at him as I process his request. “We’ve only had sex. Friends with benefits keep it physical. No emotion. Tonight, I don’t want to be your friend, Em. Tonight, I want to be your lover.” He rests a hand against my cheek and brushes the pad of his thumb under my eye. “Let me make love to you, babe. Just for tonight, let’s forget about our deal. Let’s love each other. No one will ever know. It’ll be our secret.”

I’ve never, in all my life, ever had a guy say something so sincere to me. I turn my head and kiss his palm. With his other hand he traces my collarbone. His gaze has darkened to almost black.

“Just for tonight,” I whisper, unable to find the strength for anything more. Have I ever had any guy look at me with such heated hunger? Shock, and even a little fear, holds me still. I’ve never made love before. Sex, sure. Fucked, yes. But made love, no.

“Do you know how much I ache for you?” He cups my face and kisses the corner of my lips. “It’s like this hunger inside me. Before I met you, I used to lie awake at night, knowing something was missing but not knowing what. Now I know that something is you.”

I shudder, both from his words and how he’s running his lips and tongue along my jaw. We’ve only been together three weeks, but it feels like I’ve known him my entire life. An odd warmth centers in my chest and spreads throughout my body. I rest my hands on his shoulders and study the gleam in his eyes.

There’s a difference in his look. His nostrils flare. His breathing is labored. I’ve always known there’s more between us than sex, and I’m about to find out what. I don’t question how he knows the difference between making love and just having sex, since I haven’t taught him that. Hell, I don’t even know the difference.

My emotions swallow me as he draws me to him, turning me to press my back to his chest. He lifts the shirt over my head and slowly slides it down my shoulders. Chills pepper my skin. He flattens one hand against my stomach as he moves the other above my breasts. “I’m lost in you.”

The hard length of his cock presses against my lower back. I want to touch him, to take his rigid flesh in my hand. I want to kiss him, to taste the want on his tongue. I want to feel him inside me, stretching me, melding us together. I’m floored that I’m at a loss. Tonight, the tables have turned. He’s the instructor, me his eager student. “Ryan, I don’t know what to do.”

“Now, how’s that for a twist?” He chuckles as he nips my ear. “I’m just following my instincts.”

“And what do your instincts say?”

“That this is new territory for both of us.” He trails his lips down my neck and along my shoulder. His hands cup the underside of my breasts. I slide my lids closed at how good it feels. When he flicks his thumbs over my hard nipples, I hiss in a breath. He buries his face into my neck, feasting on my flesh.

He turns me to face him, efficiently disposing of my panties at the same time. It’s a very smooth move.

“I want tonight to go on forever,” he whispers against my lips.

I wrap my arms around him. “Kiss me.”

“God, I love your taste.” He licks my lips open and kisses me with such passion, such raw emotion, that my throat constricts and I whimper. He nips my lower lip. “And your little noises. I love your whimpers. Your cries. Your screams. I love them all. I want to hear them all.”

I straddle him. He’s already got me so turned on that the instant he enters me, I’ll detonate. “We need to slow down.”

He ignores my plea and slips his hand between my legs, easing a finger into the aching depths of my pussy. I let out a cross between a whimper and a cry, and rock my hips. “You’re soaking wet.”

“I need you inside me,” I beg and don’t care how weak I sound. “Ryan, make love to me. I want us to come together, watching each other.”

He sheaths his erection and easily lifts me by my hips. He positions me and slowly, steadily, I sink down on his cock, shuddering when he’s all the way inside me, stretching me, consuming me.

“Holy shit with butter on top,” I exclaim as I shudder, fighting the overwhelming urge to move fast and hard. My libido is pissed I’m not giving in to it.

He chuckles. “I love your crazy sayings. Move with me.”

We rock our hips in time. Oh my God. I’ve never had sex sitting like this before. It gives my clit the perfect friction. “Ryan, I’m not going to last long.”

He grins. “I’ll take it.”

I kiss him, drunk off his taste. He moves a little faster, a little more deliberate. I match his pace and in no time, my orgasm builds inside me, coiling like an angry snake. We rock even faster, pushing each other to that release.

“Emma,” he groans and kisses me. “My sweet baby. My sweet Emma.”

“Ryan,” is all I get out before my climax ignites and sets me on fire. I scream. Ryan swallows it and drives deep into me. His own orgasm detonates and he growls as he pumps hard, keeping my climax at its peak. We continue to move together until I collapse, unable to do anything else but quiver. I hold onto him for dear life, scared if I let him go, it’ll all be over. I’m not ready for reality to crash down.

“Do you think we did it right?” he asks and kisses my nose.

I laugh. “I don’t think we did it wrong.”

I rest my head on his shoulder as I swallow my emotions. I’ve just had the best sex of my life with a man I’m forcing to break up with me.

Irony is a cruel bitch.