{Emma}

I push the eggs around on the plate as I watch my mom in the kitchen. I can’t believe she took time off of work for me. She always works. It’s all I’ve ever seen her do, so for her to put me ahead of one of her jobs has me both happy and riddles me with guilt.

“Are you ready to talk about it?” she asks after refilling our coffees. Always on the job. I haven’t told her more than the bare minimum of why I called her in tears Saturday night. She came and picked me up from the diner Sunday and drove me to Seattle, never asking why. She knows I’ll talk when I’m ready.

“I don’t know.” I continue to play with my eggs.

“What’s his name?”

I look at her. “How do you know it’s about a guy?”

“When isn’t it about a guy?”

She’s not wrong. “I got played. I thought he really liked me. Maybe even loved me. I’m such an idiot.”

“Did he hurt you?” Her mom voice is in full swing with that question.

“Not physically.” I give up on the eggs and move the plate aside to focus on my coffee. “Why are guys such dicks?”

“Not all guys.”

“The ones in my life are.” I sigh and stare into my cup. “Am I a guy repellent? First dad, then every other guy I’ve ever dated.”

She leans her hip on the kitchen counter and slowly sips at her coffee. I keep my focus on the steam rising from the hot liquid as her gaze burns into me. She’s assessing me, reading me as only my mom can. “What happened?”

“We made a stupid deal. I’d turn him into a Delta, and he’d take me to a party.”

“Wasn’t the last guy you dated a Delta?”

“Yep.” I take a sip.

“He was a total douche.”

I laugh. “I rest my case.”

“Why would you want to turn someone into something like that?”

“Like I said, it was a stupid deal.”

“It must be one hell of a party.”

I used to think so. The DASH was supposed to be the highlight of my college experience. Now, it’s what I’ll associate with the lowest point in my life. At least up to this point. “I got to taste jungle juice.”

“Oh?” She leans in, propping her elbow on the counter and holding her chin with her hand. “How was it?”

“Peachy.” In every sense of the word.

“Good, because I don’t care about jungle juice.” She straightens. “I don’t care about the party or even the stupid deal. What I care about is why my daughter looks like she’s lost her best friend. Talk to me, Emma. What’s really going on?”

I ran out of tears Saturday night, so I sit there, numb and staring at my coffee. “I don’t even know where to start.”

“How about this? You met him…”

“At a bar.” I jump my gaze to her, gauging her reaction. She doesn’t even blink. I don’t know if I’m relieved or offended my mom isn’t the least bit surprised I pick up guys at bars. “He was set up by his douchy friends to talk to me. I was the DUFF.”

“I don’t know what that is.”

“The designated ugly fat friend.”

“Hmm.” She doesn’t say anything else and sips her coffee, and doesn’t have to. The fact I called myself a DUFF burns in her expression. “And you went along with that?”

“What do you think?”

“I think you told him off, told his friends off, and probably told off a few strangers just for good measure.”

“You know me so well.” I smile and take another sip. My mom makes the best coffee on the planet. I’ve missed it. I’ve missed her. It’s time to give her the details of my predicament. “His name is Ryan. We made a deal. I turn him from a zero to a hero. In return, he takes me to the biggest party of the year. He was the biggest nerd I’d ever met. I wrestled him into contacts. Got rid of his mullet. Even turned him into a sharp-dressed man.”

“A mullet?”

“A full-on mullet.”

She laughs. “I haven’t seen one of those since my infatuation with Billy Ray Cyrus.”

“Who?”

She laughs again. “Never mind. And what’d you get out of the deal?”

I lose my smile and once again stare into my coffee cup. “Hurt.”

“Baby, don’t look at it like that. Tell me one thing about him you miss.”

“The way he makes me laugh. He’s so funny.” I close my eyes as memories pop up. With each one, I confess it to my mom. “He’s smart. Has terrible accents. He’s not afraid of eggs like I am. He’s got this lopsided grin that just melts me. When he asks me about my day, he really wants to know the answer. The way he stands up for me. He puts me first.” I open my eyes and blink at her. “At least I thought he did. I guess I’m not enough for a guy to stick around. It’s just dad all over again.”

She sets her coffee on the counter and walks around the island to sit next to me at the breakfast bar. “It’s time we set the record straight. There’s a few things about your dad you don’t know.”

“I know he’s a coward for leaving us instead of sticking around.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.”

I freeze and stare at her. “What do you mean?”

“Andy and I were high school sweethearts. He was captain of the football team.”

“And you were the head cheerleader.” I moan and recite the story I’ve only heard a million times. Here I thought she was about to tell me something I don’t know. “He had a full-ride scholarship to college when you found out you were pregnant with me. He never got over that. When he got the first taste of freedom, he bolted. I know the story, Mom.”

“Not the whole story,” she hesitates and drops her gaze. My guard is up. It’s not like her to avoid my eyes. “Your dad loves you, whether you believe that or not.”

“He treats me like a regret.”

“He treats me like the regret,” she corrects, shocking me. “It’s not you. It’s what you remind him of. Me.” She smiles sadly. I’m too stunned to do anything but listen. “He gave up everything for me. Not because of me. For me. You think that football scholarship meant more to him than holding you for the first time?”

“Then why’d he leave?” I ask in a small voice. “Why’d he trade you in on a younger model? Why’d he turn his back on us?”

“Because that’s exactly what I did. I cheated on him. More than once. He wasn’t away at conferences all the time. That’s just what we told you. He didn’t even have a job in sales. Every time he left, it was because of me.”

“Because you cheated? All those times?”

“It wasn’t always because of that. Yes, I cheated and he walked out, but he always came back. When he did, we’d fight. And fight. And fight. It got to the point the only time we weren’t fighting was when he was gone. That’s when we agreed to split for good. When he left that last time, he begged me to let him take you. I said no. He returned with a version of me he wished I’d been. That’s what you remember. He didn’t turn me in for a younger model. He turned me in for the woman he thought he’d married.”

She rests her hand on my shoulder. Her voice thickens as tears swell in her eyes. “Your father didn’t leave because of you, Emma. He left because of me. Every time I saw him it reminded me of what I’d done. I told him to stop coming around, that we’d be fine without him. Don’t you see? He never walked out on you. I sent him away.”

“What?” I stumble away from the counter as the shock hits me full force. And here I thought Ryan’s betrayal was my lowest point. Having my own mother lie to me for all these years is a new all-time low.

“I’m sorry, baby. I just couldn’t stand keeping it from you anymore.” She stands and faces me. “Say something.”

I want to hate her. To unleash on her all the pain and suffering I’ve carried with me for so many years. Instead, I think of Ryan and his father. They only have months together, if that. Nothing in the past is worth sacrificing a future together. I don’t know how much time I have with my mom, but I’ll take every minute.

“I love you, Mom.” I run into her arms. She wraps her arms around me so tight I can’t breathe, and I’m okay with that. “I mean, I kind of hate you right now, but I love you.”

“You do?”

“Life is too short to keep shit like that from each other. I’m mad at you, but I’ll get over it because I love you.”

She laughs through her tears and says the one thing I need to hear. “I’m glad you see it that way. I’m not the only one you need to say that to, Emma.”