Chapter 23 | Adam
Adam didn’t notch his bedpost or make marks on the wall of his room, but he did track the time since he'd returned home.
Twenty days.
He kept every day filled with things to do.
Grannie was amazing through it all. With her usual patience and kindness, she gave Adam the space he needed to fit his life back into the rhythm of civilization again.
No one expected anything of him. He wasn't required to contribute around the house or her business. Not until he was ready.
If Adam didn’t do something, though, he’d go stark raving mad. He needed to keep busy, doing things to focus his attention on every day as is it came. If left idle for too long, he would sit on the back porch and stare off across the yard.
It would be a lie if he said he wasn’t waiting for something.
He waited for Wade.
Things had been tense between them ever since they’d been rescued, and as the events unfolded at a breakneck speed, Adam couldn’t get time alone with Wade. Incredibly, they weren’t even on the same flight back to North Carolina, so Adam couldn’t catch up with Wade then, either.
It all rushed forward from the rescue until they were finally back in Dreamer’s Folly.
So… he waited.
Hoping the man would reach out to him.
Perhaps it was a little selfish of Adam to expect Wade to do the reaching out first. When Adam thought about it, his gut would clench up again; Wade was the one with issues. Family issues. From the beginning, Wade had needed time to come around to things on his own. This was certainly no different.
Adam tried hard to be patient.
There wasn’t a day that passed when Adam didn’t think of Wade. Or a night where he didn’t dream of him. He tracked every day.
Three weeks passed by with no contact at all.
Three weeks.
Adam had expected to hear from Wade much sooner.
Newspapers would call every so often, looking for a story. Benjamin and Cade screened those calls for Adam. Neither of them ever mentioned a call from Wade. The more time that passed, the more his thoughts circled the edge of despondency. On the twenty-first day, Adam shook it off. If Wade wouldn’t come to him, he’d go to Wade.
Armed with the two pieces of information he needed—Wade’s last name and the fact that he lived in Dreamer’s Folly—it was easy enough to find Wade’s home address on the internet. He lived in a condo complex on the south side of the small town, where the upper middle class gathered in their gated communities and manicured lawns and million-dollar homes.
Borrowing Benjamin’s Volkswagen, Adam signed in with security at Wade’s complex and wound his way through the snaking condo units until he found the one listed for Wade O’Rourke.
Butterflies kicked up in his stomach as he got out and approached the door.
There was a good reason why Wade hadn’t come to find him, right? Maybe he didn’t remember Adam’s last name.
The excuse rang hollow, considering both their names were plastered all over the front pages of the local paper for days after they’d returned home, but it was the only excuse Adam could think of, which he could cling to, that didn’t break his heart in half. So he held to it tightly as he knocked on the door.
The house was so silent, as he waited Adam thought that no one was home until he saw Wade’s face when the door cracked open. “Hey,” Adam said with a smile. It was difficult to hold onto his cheerfulness when Wade didn’t return the smile.
“Hey,” Wade said, standing at the door and not opening it any further. He wouldn’t meet Adam’s eyes.
Adam’s heart clenched in his chest. “I just wanted to come by and see how you were doing now you're home.”
“Good. I’m good.” Wade shifted at the door, glanced over his shoulder before stepping back. “Come on in.”
This was not how Adam had envisioned their meeting would go. A part of him urged that he needed to turn around and leave. Stubbornness held him firm. “Thanks,” he said, and stepped into the beautiful condo.
Inside, everything about the décor, simple and understated, gave off the vibe of status and money. Paintings on the wall matched the colors of the sofa and the lush carpeting beneath his feet.
Straight through from the front door, he saw the open kitchen and a marvelous wood deck out back. The immaculate green lawn was so well-tended, it looked fake.
It was all so… soulless.
“So, how are you?” Adam said in the painful silence coming from Wade.
“Good. Doing good. You look good.” Wade motioned for Adam to have a seat in the living room. Adam sat on the sofa. The cushions were firm, as if they were hardly ever sat on. Not like his grannie’s sofa, which was almost as old as Adam himself. Wade even had a decorative blanket artfully draped over the arm, as if arranged there.
Not like the granny-square crocheted afghan that stayed bunched up on Grannie’s.
Wade had taken the chair.
Adam fussed a little with the piping along the edge of the cushion he sat on. “Thanks. You look good, too.”
“Thanks.”
Good heavens, this was the most painful conversation in the history of conversations. Adam finally broke. “I hoped I would hear from you. We left so abrupt—”
“Adam,” Wade interrupted in a strained voice. “You have to stay away.”
Shocked. Not expecting to hear those words, Adam’s vision started to lose clarity and focus. “Okay. Um… why?”
“Because.” Lurching to his feet, Wade paced away until he reached the mantle. “Adam. Whatever was between us, can’t happen here. I can’t afford to be gay in Dreamer’s Folly.”
The air rushed from Adam’s lungs. Wade’s words left him unable to breathe, to think, to formulate any response.
Wade continued. “It won’t work here. I have too many responsibilities and… I’m just not ready to take on anything else that'll upset my already tenuous balance in the world.”
“I don’t—” Adam struggled for words. “But on the island—”
“On the island,” Wade finished for him, “was just to keep us alive. To keep us sane. Pressure release, right? You understand. It got us through a hard time of being there and being the only two on the island. There was nothing else. Now we’re home. It's done. It's over. Go home and move on with your life.”
Devastation, crushing hurt, complete helplessness swirled in Adam’s thoughts as he tried to make sense of it.
What was there to make sense of? If Adam were completely truthful, he’d seen the warning signs in the infirmary of the cargo ship. It just snowballed from there.
Adam had dismissed his intuition. He’d ignored it, lying to himself by thinking he only needed to give Wade space to come to terms. That Wade was simply gaining distance to work through his thoughts.
Apparently not.
On his feet, Adam didn’t chase Wade across the room. He stood his ground as his despondency gave way to uncharacteristic rage. “You… coward.”
Wade’s gaze snapped up to meet Adam’s. Shock covered his face, which only made Adam angrier. “You’re a coward and a liar,” Adam accused.
“Adam, don’t be like this. It was what it was, and it served its purpose. We were lonely and found comfort—”
“You’re so full of shit, it’s unbelievable just how much shit you’re full of. You know, I get the pain in coming out to a family that may not want to hear it.”
“No, you don’t,” Wade said quickly. “I have a reputation to maintain in town.”
Adam’s mouth fell open. “Your reputation is more important than whatever we could have together? So your ‘gay experience’ on the island with me was just experimentation?”
Wade spread his hands. “Yes. That’s all it was. All it could ever be.”
“So, coward,” Adam pointed out. “And liar because that’s not what you told me at the waterfall. Do you remember what you said?”
Flinching, Wade turned his face away. “Adam. Please see why I have to put distance between us. I can’t—”
Adam held a hand up. “Oh no, Wade, I get it just fine. Cowardice? I get that, you know? Reputation is everything to families like yours. You live on the side of town where appearances mean everything, so you can’t be caught slumming with a gay man. I get it.”
The venom that spewed from Adam’s mouth was hard to stop now. The hurt and desperation entered full bore rejection. “So, just tell me. Tell me right here to my face that what you said at the waterfall was a lie. Tell me, Wade. Coward is at least understandable. At least admit to me that you're a goddamn liar, too.”
Wade’s face crumpled. “Adam, please.” His voice cracked.
“Tell me!” Adam finally uprooted from his spot and charged over to stand right in front of Wade. “Say it! Tell me when you said that you wanted to be with me, that you were tired of running from who you are, that it was all a damn lie.”
Wade stumbled back from the face of Adam’s rage. “Adam. You’ve never been this—”
“Angry? Betrayed? Oh, Wade, you have no idea what I’m feeling right now,” Adam ground through clench teeth. “I let my defenses down for you. I went against every warning that rang in my head for you. I was willing to risk my heart for you. And now that you’re done with me, you’re cutting me loose. You used me. Tell me why I shouldn’t be mad? Coward and liar.”
Wade’s hands came up. “I didn’t think we’d ever be rescued.”
Every word slashed at Adam, and rage bubbled out of the wounds. “You need to put your shovel down because your hole is going to be hard to climb out of soon.”
Pressure built behind his eyes as tears threatened to spill down his cheeks. Adam bit down on it. If he could stay angry, he could keep the deep wounds from taking his legs out from under him.
Wade stepped back again. “I’m sorry, Adam. I’m really sorry, but it has to be this way.”
“Yeah. I get it.” Adam turned to storm towards the front door. He paused, his hand on the door knob, and turned to face Wade. “I loved you, Wade. I still do.”
There was no satisfaction in the look on Wade’s face as Adam slammed the door shut behind him. Right now his anger flared hot, fueled by the sense of betrayal. In time, the devastation would reassert itself and Wade's abandonment would once more crush Adam.
Until then, Adam needed his rage.