Chapter 23

Nicole

NOVEMBER 5

Those six weeks were the best and worst of my life. Best because of Tank. He was beyond my very optimistic hope for what a relationship with a biker could be. He was there for me, wanted to know what was going on in my life, and was so supportive. He cared. So simple, and yet it was more than I’d ever seen with my parents’ relationship.

And then of course there was the sex. That man could play my body like a finely tuned instrument. We were lost in the magic of our budding relationship. It was tough at first, since our schedules were so opposite, but we made it work—mostly because we spend most of our time together in bed, and we always agreed in bed.

And I finally had my friends back, too. Coming clean about everything in my past and being accepted by my friends was so freeing. They supported me. They were my family now. I made Emily come with me to Tank’s club a few Friday nights. It was so much fun to flirt with the bouncer, have a few drinks, and dance with my friends, then “help” Tank on his breaks in the back room.

But there were the quiet times, too. Right before falling asleep, on those nights when our schedules aligned, we’d talk about our lives—Tank and his struggle with PTSD and his ugly divorce from Abby. How Stella was the one to pull him through his darkest times. My life was practically a fairy tale in comparison. But still I told him about my old boss and his attempt to sabotage me, how I’d gotten a promotion despite Doug, and how bitchy I’d been to Jessica and Emily when they first hooked up with their guys. And Tank listened to it all without judgment. He had this way of making me feel like I was the most important person in his life—and I was, as long as I was in his arms.

But the second his cell rang and the club needed him to do something, he kissed my forehead and was gone without an explanation. I knew better than to ask for one.

And yet every time he left, it made me think about my mom. Was this the way she’d felt about my dad? I wasn’t ready to use “the L word,” but I had a huge case of like going on. I couldn’t imagine feeling this way toward a guy who wasn’t worthy of my feelings, but that was what my mom had. It hurt my heart. She deserved so much more than that.

I’d spent the last six weeks alienated from my entire family. And that hurt me the most. My brother never called me back, and I’d been ignoring my mom’s calls and texts for weeks. I guess, like my friends said, I needed to process everything. I loved my mom and my brother. I didn’t love their choice to accept Bear back into their lives, but I still loved them.

Which is how I found myself standing on my mom’s doorstep Thursday evening, simultaneously praying she was home while hoping he wasn’t.

A swarm of butterflies fluttered in my stomach as I rang the doorbell. Should I have called first? I don’t know why I didn’t. Probably because I didn’t know what to say. It felt surreal that I was even standing here.

My mom opened the door with a surprised expression. “Nicole. Come in. Why did you ring the doorbell?”

I stepped over the threshold and into the living room. After quickly surveying the room and not hearing the telltale sounds of a sports channel or my dad’s loud voice, I turned and faced my mom. “I just felt weird about how we left things the last time I was here. And honestly I wasn’t sure if I was welcome.”

“Oh, honey.” Mom put her arms around me and pulled me in for a huge hug. “You will always be welcome in my home. I love you. No matter what.”

A tear leaked from my eye as I squeezed her back. I don’t think anything could compare to having my mom’s arms around me as she whispered that she loved me. That was it. I was home.

After a few moments when I got my emotions under control, I pulled away and wiped at my face. “I’m so sorry for the way I acted the last few weeks. I just…needed some time, I guess.”

“That’s okay, Nicole. I was here waiting for you. I’ll always be here for you. Now come on. Let’s get some coffee going, and you can tell me all about your biker.”

“You remembered that?” I laughed as I followed my mom into the kitchen.

“Of course. It’s not every day that your daughter tells you she found a guy just like her dad.”

“Except he’s not like Bear.” I leaned against the back of a chair and looked at my mom. “Yes, Tank is a biker, but he’s not a one-percenter. He’s an awesome guy who’s smart and gorgeous and so damn loyal. He makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the room when I’m with him.”

My mom’s smile was bittersweet. “He sounds like a wonderful young man.”

“He is.”

“So, what’s the problem?” My mom ignored my innocent look and probed deeper. “I know you, Nicole. You were always my cautious child. When you were little and I’d take you and Austin to the park, you’d hang back and let Austin go and make friends with the other kids before you’d go say hello. You’re doing it now. Oh, you’re saying all the right things, but you’re still holding something back. So, what’s the problem?”

I never could hide anything from my mom. “He’s a biker.”

“Yes, honey, you said that before. What’s the problem?”

“His club is always going to come first. Middle of the night, he gets a call and he’s out of the bed and riding away, no questions asked and no word to me about when he’ll be back. I don’t know if I can be with someone who will never put me or our kids first.”

“So, you already see yourself having kids with him?”

“I don’t know. Is this some kind of therapy mindfuck where you answer a question with a question?”

“Language,” Mom reprimanded me, and I rolled my eyes. “I think if you’re picturing yourself having fictional kids with this man, then you already have some deep feelings for him. But only you can decide whether or not it’s a deal breaker. I can’t tell you that.”

“How did you cope with it when you first started seeing Bear?”

“I was young and dumb when I started dating your father.” Mom laughed softly as her eyes grew distant. “It was all so exciting at first. He was the ultimate bad boy with a flashy motorcycle, and he had that tough-guy attitude down pat. But I didn’t really understand about club life—what it required of him—until after we got married. And by then I was pregnant with Austin. My parents had disowned me and most of my friends had gone off to college.”

My heart ached for my mom. The regret over her choices was so clear in her voice. More than anything I wanted to shake her and demand to know why she would take him back if she was wishing they’d never got together in the first place, but before I could form the words my mom blinked and gave me an awkward smile.

“For me it was something I could live with. I guess I see it differently than you. Bear’s club is his life—it’s his family, his friends, his job. Without them he has nothing. It is who he is.”

I bit my tongue to keep myself from filling in the rest of the description of who my father was. Mom really didn’t need any more negativity from me on that front. I nodded as I thought about her words. They were similar to Brittany’s, but for some reason her explanation resonated with me. I couldn’t picture Tank without the True Brothers MC. They were a huge part of his identity. And in Tank’s case that wasn’t a bad thing. He was a great guy.

My mom grinned and leaned forward in her seat. “I’ll have to meet your man someday soon if he can put an expression like that on your face.”

My cheeks heated with my blush. I shook my head at my mom as I continued to grin like a fool. “Sounds good.”

“In the meantime, how about you tell me more about your guy. What was his name again?”

“Tank. Although I’m pretty sure that’s not his given name. I should probably find out what it is.” Weird how that never occurred to me before. “He’s sweet. He’s got that tough-guy thing down, but really he’s a softie when it counts. He just makes me want to be a better person.”

My mom’s smile dimmed slightly. “That’s great, honey.”

“Mom, I didn’t mean…” I didn’t even know how to finish that. I wasn’t going to apologize because Tank wasn’t an abusive asshole. I wouldn’t be with him if he was.

“It’s fine, Nicole.” She pushed away from the table and walked across the room to poke at the coffeepot. “Would you like a cup? Or I can make something to eat if you’re hungry?”

“Thanks, Mom, but no. I’m going out with Jessica and Emily and a few of the other ladies from the club.”

“Girls’ night? Sounds like fun. But I’m surprised that you’re not welded to Tank’s hip. What with it being a new relationship and all.” She smiled kinda nostalgically like maybe she was remembering being my age. With Bear. Eeww.

“Well, it’s kinda become our regular girls’ night out. Tank is a bouncer at a nightclub, so he’s usually working tonight. But I think the club is closed for fumigating or something, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the guys gate-crashed our girls’ night.” I smiled at the thought. A big group date like that could quickly spiral out of control with Tank’s crew. I kinda wanted to see what that looked like.

“True Brothers don’t own any club.”

I jumped when my dad’s voice reverberated through the kitchen. I only had time to bug my eyes out at my mom before he was looming in the doorway.

“Hey, Bear.” I said quietly. I specifically came tonight because last time my mom said he was busy Thursday nights. He wasn’t supposed to be here, was all I could think.

He narrowed his eyes at me, then crossed the room to Mom. I had to look away as he grabbed her and pulled her to him. I didn’t want to know how they said hello now. And judging by the wet kissing sounds, it was a smart call.

“So I heard you’ve hooked up with a True Brother. I can’t believe a daughter of mine is hanging around that bunch of pussies. Doesn’t this podunk town have a legit motorcycle club?”

I mentally rolled my eyes as I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

I knew better than to show him any outward sign of my disdain. Because that was what was bubbling inside of me. Annoyance. Attitude. Anger. Everything I’d been taught by his ham-fisted ways to suppress as a means of self-preservation.

He huffed in irritation. “They have a nightclub, huh? Is it as shitty as that motorcycle shop that burned down a couple months back?”

“Lux is the hottest club in Reno.” I couldn’t stand to let his snide comments about my man and his friends go unchecked. “They always have a huge line every night. It’s not shitty; it’s the place to go in Reno.”

“Hard to imagine any of the pretty people partying with a bunch of pussified bikers. They’re the kinda fuckers who give us a bad name.”

And that was my cue to leave.

Because if I stayed any longer, someone’s blood was gonna end up painting my mom’s kitchen walls. “I gotta go meet the girls, Mom. We’ll talk later, okay?”

My mom gave me a strained smile. “Sure, honey. Make me happy and maybe answer one of my texts next time.”

“Will do.” I wanted to give her a hug, but there was no way I was getting within arm’s reach of my bastard of a father. “Take care of yourself.”

“Pretty sure that’s my job, sweetheart.” Bear bared his teeth in a semblance of a smile. But it wasn’t. His eyes were as dead as his soul.

I lifted my chin in acknowledgment of his statement, but I wasn’t agreeing with him. “Later.”

“Have fun, honey,” my mom called. “Say hello to Tank when he crashes your girls’ night.”

Just before I closed the door I heard my father ask, “What kinda bar isn’t open on Thirsty Thursday?”

This time I didn’t stop myself from rolling my eyes. Even when I was no longer in the room, he still had to have the last word.