Chapter Fifteen
RHOADES
While Austin walked through each room and turned out the lights, I texted Edgar and made some arrangements of my own. He assured me everything would be in order when we arrived. By the time we left the property and were back in the car heading uptown on the West Side Highway, it was close to two a.m. I caught Austin yawning and brushed the hair off his face. His dreamy eyes reassured me he felt no regret.
“You must be exhausted after working on the apartment all day and then dancing half the night.”
No answer. I stole a look and smiled to myself, watching him snuggle against me instinctively in sleep, his head lolled to the side, pressing against my shoulder. My chest squeezed tight.
Walk lightly. His heart is as fragile as eggshells.
An accident doubled the usual twenty-minute drive, and I had a hard time waking Austin when Felix stopped the car in front of the brownstone.
“You might have to carry him, Rhoades,” Felix said, his lips twitching. “Sure you’re up for that?”
“You know you’re easily replaceable, right?” I leaned over and whispered in Austin’s ear. “Austin? Can you wake up?”
Those long lashes fluttered and he gazed up at me, brows wrinkled in confusion. “Huh? What?” Then he pushed himself to a sitting position and rubbed his eyes, letting out a huge yawn. “I fell asleep? Sorry. I was wiped.”
“Not a problem. Ready to go inside?”
My fear that we’d lost the earlier connection we’d forged in the penthouse vanished when he searched my eyes, then smiled. “Yeah. I might need some coffee, though.”
“No worries.” I opened the door on my side as Austin popped the lock on his and exited the car. “Edgar will have everything we need.”
It never ceased to amaze me that at almost any time of day or night, cabs would pass by filled with people going to or coming from somewhere and the sound of conversation and laughter could be heard on the streets. I couldn’t fathom why anyone would prefer to be out in the night rather than home where it was safe.
“It’s nice and quiet here. I’d almost forgotten.” He leaned against the stone pillar at the base of the stairs leading up to the front door and scanned the street.
I huffed out a laugh. “And here I was thinking how strange it was to see so many people about.”
Austin sobered. “I guess it’s a matter of perception, huh?”
I tilted my head. “Let’s go inside and have that coffee.”
Shooting me an unreadable look, Austin mounted the steps with me right behind him. Edgar opened the door, face impassive.
“Thank you, Edgar. Coffee in the library, please?”
He nodded. “Ready for you.” He tipped his head. “As is everything else you asked for.”
I held his gaze as he closed the door behind Austin. “Good evening, Austin.”
“Hi. Sorry to keep you up so late. You can blame it on Rhoades.”
My heart lurched. Those were Lance’s exact words whenever we’d come home well into the night. Edgar cleared his throat.
“It’s no problem. I’m used to his erratic schedule. It matches my own after all these years. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
“Come, let’s go sit.” I walked to the library and opened the double doors, smiling with satisfaction at what I saw. “You first.”
But Austin remained beside me. “Wh-what is this?” He pointed to the flowers I’d had Edgar place in the room. Dozens of red roses. Some in full bloom, others about to break free. Their heady, rich fragrance filled the air.
“Do you like them?”
Finally he walked in and reached out a finger to brush one of the velvety petals. “How did you know?”
“I don’t,” I said honestly. “But I see you dance with one every time, so I’m drawing a conclusion.”
He stood, head bowed, a silhouette in loneliness. I longed to hold him and tell him things would be all right, but I didn’t know that they would be. Sometimes bad things happen and they remain with us, the pain a dull ache we simply become used to.
He wiped at his cheek, then took a flower from the vase and sniffed it. His eyes closed, and he breathed deeply. When he opened his eyes to meet mine, a grim smile rested on his lips. “Can we sit? I think I need that coffee now.”
I gestured for him to take a seat and poured us both coffees. I handed him the cup and sat opposite him. “Does the rose have a significance? I assumed it must.”
His hair fell over his face as he nodded. “They were my mother’s favorite flower. Her wedding flowers. No matter what, she would always have a bouquet on the table every week.”
“That’s a lovely memory of her to have.”
Austin took a sip of coffee and studied the floor. I wanted to be that cup he cradled in his hands.
“It’s my way of keeping her with me.”
“If you’d like to tell me, I’d love to learn more about her.”
He brought the cup to his lips, and I watched it tremble. Losing a mother so young had to have been devastating for a sensitive child like Austin.
“She was an artist—a portrait painter. As she told the story to me, she met my father at a gallery showing when she was up-and-coming and he’d just made partner. She was extremely beautiful, and my father wanted her desperately. Their romance was hot and quick. Within two months she was pregnant with me, and they got married.”
“Not much chance to get to know one another.”
That faraway expression in Austin’s eyes returned. “No. And they were polar opposites. He was driven by money and power, and she was very fragile. Beauty and her art meant everything to her. I think she hoped he would change once they were married, but he couldn’t. My earliest recollections of them are their terrible fights. Of course he cheated on her—from the beginning, most likely. When she found out, she begged him to stop, but he refused and filed for divorce.”
His voice had taken on that brittleness harkening back to when we’d first met, and he had pushed me away. I wanted the real Austin back. The man who sighed in my arms and returned my kisses with a heart-stealing passion that left me dizzy.
“That must’ve crushed her.”
“It killed her. Oh, not right away. I was too young to know, but she suffered from bipolar disorder, and her highs and lows were terrible things to witness. But I loved her.” That ended on a sob, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I left my seat to go to him, and though he tried to remain stiff, I held him closer until he relented, slid his arms around my waist, and rested his head on my shoulder.
“Of course you loved her. She was your mother. And I’m sure she loved you very, very much.”
He spoke into my neck, his voice muffled. “I thought that. But if she did, why…?” Dread seeped through me, instinctively knowing what he was about to reveal. “Why would she kill herself?”
“There’s no simple answer. Bad things happen to good people. Unfortunately your mother wasn’t able to get the help she needed.”
“I didn’t understand until I was older, but it was because of him. He threw her away like trash. At night when she thought I was asleep, she’d call him and beg him to take her back. Sometimes all she got was his voice mail, but I know he got the messages. And after she’d hang up, all she would do was cry every single night. I wanted to help her, but I was too young.…What could I do?”
“Nothing. You couldn’t. You were a child.”
His cheek rested on my shoulder. “I didn’t feel like one. I’d come home from school, and she’d still be in bed, so I made us dinner, cleaned up, and then did my homework. I hated seeing her like that…fading away, lost in her mind…until one day, it all became too much.” He swallowed hard.
“You don’t have to go on if it hurts too much.”
“It’s never stopped hurting. But I use that pain now to remember how she died and why.” His hold on me tightened, and I wanted to be his anchor. But Austin didn’t need my strength. It burned in his blood and lit the fire in his soul.
“When I went to live with him…after…he treated me so well, I was confused. Why was he giving me everything I asked for? Why did he say ‘I love you’ and come to my dance recitals and school plays? It made no sense to me until I got older and realized how fucking devious he was. It was never about me or my mother. It was always about his reputation. Him. Never my mother and never me.”
Thinking back to my own father’s infidelity, his betrayal seemed mild compared to Austin’s father’s deception. “No child should have to go through what you did. It should never have happened.”
Shiny-eyed, he pulled out of my arms to glare at me. “Yes, it should have. So I could know my enemy and be prepared. What should never have happened was my mother taking all her pills with a bottle of vodka and me finding her dead on the floor. I should never have had to go live with that man who pretended to be my father to the world, but whenever we were alone together, he couldn’t stand to be in the same room as me. Do you know what he said to me when I came out to him?”
I shook my head.
“He said of course I turned out gay. She did it to me. My mother made me gay.”
“He’s a fool and a bigot. And you were smart to get away.”
“No.” Austin stood and wandered about the room, touching all the flower petals. “I’m a traitor to my mother. I lived in that house, letting him pay my bills, until I exploded. I should’ve been strong and left sooner. I should’ve told him to take his money and shove it up his ass and thrown it all in his face. But I didn’t. I was weak.”
“No. You—”
He whirled around, almost upsetting a vase of roses, his eyes flashing fire. “I don’t need anyone to tell me who I was…who I am. I was a punk. No excuses. Once I figured it all out, I got in trouble as often as I could, skirting the line to make him angry, because I knew he’d never kick me out. That would hurt his precious reputation. Then I discovered he blamed my mother for my ‘bad upbringing.’ I told him if he continued, I’d tell everyone how he cheated on her from the beginning and drove her to suicide.” He swiped at his eyes with the heel of his hand. I kept quiet, sensing this was cathartic. Something he’d needed to release for a very long time.
“And he told me to go ahead. Who would they believe—a troubled twentysomething, or him, a man with a pristine reputation?”
Dark, haunted eyes pinned mine, and I waited. He expected no answer, and truthfully, I couldn’t give him one.
“He was right, of course. So like a coward, I stayed until I worked up the courage to live as my real self. I found the job at Tyler’s studio and a few others to help tide me over. Finally I told him to go fuck himself, walked out, and never looked back.”
“And you’ve been living on your own ever since?”
“I’ve always been alone.”
That simple declaration pierced my heart. “You don’t have to be. Not anymore.” I pulled him to me, and he shivered beneath his sweat-soaked shirt. “Let me take care of you tonight. We can find our way back together.”
I could see it behind his eyes: the worry and fear, the yearning and desire. They blazed with the same passionate fire I’d first seen when we shared that moment in the back room of Man Up. I wanted him then, but it wasn’t the right time. Then it would have been only sex.
“Come,” I whispered. “Come upstairs with me.”
My breath caught in my throat as he studied my face. At his nod, joy surged through me, and I dipped my head. I only meant to brush our lips together, but at the touch of his mouth I was seized with a rush of desire and plunged my tongue in, greedy to taste him. He responded by wrapping his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist, clinging to me.
“I want you,” I managed to say in between our desperate kisses. “Please. Say yes.” Holding him against me, I walked out of the room and stood at the foot of the stairs. “Please.”
“Yes.” He peppered my face with kisses, sucking at my neck, running his tongue around my ear until I thought I might burst from the pleasure running rampant through me. “God, yes.”
With him still clinging to me, I mounted the steps, and we entered my room. I slammed the door shut behind me and faced him, caging him between my arms. I bent and kissed him, slanting my mouth against his, drinking in his breath until it became mine.
Austin melted into me, rubbing up against my torso, and greedy for him, I swept my tongue through his mouth, playing against his. The velvet slide of his lips and his short, hot breaths intoxicated, pushing my self-control to the limit.
“Come to my bed.”
He stood before me, wild-eyed and panting. “Wait. I have to know.”
“What? I’ll tell you anything.”
His shaking fingers touched his lips. “Why me? I still don’t understand.”
“Why you?” I caught his hand in mine and placed it over my heart, its crazy pumping playing a rapid rhythm. “How could it not be?”
“I’m a nobody. A club dancer.”
“Don’t say that.” His eyes widened at my vehemence. “Everyone is someone. The first time I saw you, you brightened my life like the star you are.”
He surprised me with a kiss, his mouth sweet, lips soft and gentle. “I could argue that point, but I’d rather kiss you.”
“I’d rather you kiss me too. Then I can kiss you back. That’s how seduction works.”
His teeth flashed in a smile. “Is that what’s happening here? Are you seducing me?”
I ran the pad of my thumb over his lips. “If you let me.” From that first kiss in Man Up until now, we’d learned so much about each other and ourselves. I knew I was ready to take this step. “Being with you makes it all possible again.”
“Possibilities exist if you give people a chance instead of pushing them away.” He kissed my thumb. “I’ve pushed enough people away. Not you. Not anymore.”
He unbuttoned my shirt, and I stood unmoving, my skin burning like fire where his fingers brushed against me. Leaving the shirt hanging open, he attacked my belt and pants, opening them while I toed off my loafers. I shrugged the shirt off my shoulders and stepped out of the pants, watching as he sank to his knees before me and rubbed his cheek against the bulge in my briefs, his breath drifting hot against my thighs. Wave after wave of longing rolled through me, and I touched Austin’s head, wanting him to be with me, not at my feet.
But Austin had other ideas and mouthed my erection through the briefs, then pulled the elastic waist down with his teeth until they fell to the floor. “Let’s get in the bed.” He rose to his feet and took me by the hand. I followed, heart hammering, yet so damn anxious to be with him at last.
I pulled the comforter down while Austin stripped, and he joined me in the bed, his skin as smooth and silken as the sheets. I traced his nipples with my fingertips, then slid my hands down his body to spread his legs wide open. He wriggled and reached up as if to grab me close.
“Fucking hell, come on.”
“Oh no. This is going to take a while.” I blew a steady stream of air across his hole, and he shivered but lay still, his cock leaking across his stomach. “We’ve earned this time.”
A babble of unintelligible words reached me, but I paid no attention to it, especially when I licked around his hole. That earned me moans of undisguised pleasure. The man was a delicacy, and I prepared to feast, dipping my tongue in and out of him. His taste was sweeter than any wine.
“Oh God, please.” His head thrashed on the pillow, and I anticipated sleeping with him, my face buried in that pillow, surrounded by his scent. “Come on.”
“So eager for it.” Pinning his hungry gaze with mine, I licked a finger, then teased around his hole, slipping the tip in and out, each time thrusting a bit deeper. His eyes widened and grew heavy-lidded as I continued to pump in and out. I added another finger and pushed deep, loving the clutch of the suede-silk muscled passage. “I want you open for me.”
I bent to lick his cock, the head gleaming wet and sticky, and Austin shuddered beneath me. “So beautiful,” I breathed and traced a wet path down his cock to lick his belly button. The taste of his skin, the sound of his heavy breathing spurred me on, and I trailed a line of kisses down his muscular thigh and sculpted calf, making sure to pay attention to the enticing curve of his knee. When I reached his foot, I saw with dismay the array of callouses and bruises. I’d never realized the toll his dancing took; like the true professional Austin was, he only showed the beauty and grace of his dancing.
As if sensing my stare, he tried to pull away.
“No. You don’t need to hide from me.”
Austin braced himself up on one elbow. “It’s so ugly. I should soak them or give them a rest, but…” His gaze cut to the side.
“It’s not ugly. It’s a part of who you are.”
He shrugged, and I knew he didn’t believe me. I rubbed his toes and lifted his foot to my lips. When he tried to pull away from me, I held on tight. “Oh, no you don’t. When you lie here with me, every part of you is mine, and every part of me is yours. The good.” I licked up the delicate arch of his foot. “The bad.” My tongue bathed his poor crooked pinky toe. “And the ugly.” I kissed the rough, calloused ball of his foot and then repeated the same ministration to his other foot.
“Rhoades,” Austin said on a long, drawn-out moan. “Rhoades.”
I crawled up from the foot of the bed. “What, love? What is it?”
“Where do you hurt?” He reached out a long, elegant hand and splayed it on my chest, over my heart. “Is it here? Tell me.”
Perceptive. Few things got past those blue eyes of Austin’s. Unable to answer, I placed my hand over his and nodded. He sat up halfway and kissed between our fingers, his lips warm and comforting against my chest.
“Let me make your hurt disappear.”
A wave of longing washed over me, and I kissed his lips. “You already have. Look what you do to me.” I sat back on my heels and stroked my swollen cock several times, then reached over to the night table and opened the drawer. I took out the lube and a condom and placed them on the bed. I’d bought them months earlier when I’d begun going to Man Up and thought having sex with Austin would be a simple thing.
With Austin’s gaze locked to mine, I tore open the condom wrapper and sheathed myself, then poured the lube over my shaft, giving it a few more strokes. Once again, I kissed Austin’s belly and pushed his thighs apart.
At the press of my cock against Austin’s hole, I heard a quick intake of breath. “Am I hurting you?”
“No.” He folded one knee up against his chest. “I’d forgotten how it felt.”
I gritted my teeth, fighting the urge to thrust and sink inside his tight, hot passage. “I’ll try and be slow.” The air roared around me, and sweat dripped into my eyes, running down my cheeks.
“No.” Austin pushed back against me, forcing me in deeper. “I want you inside me. Please, there…right there.” He grabbed my shoulders and took all of me to the hilt, our mouths mashing together, meeting in a hungry, greedy kiss.
Rocking, we held on to each other as if afraid to let go. The center of my world became the spot where we were joined. Dead for so long, my body awoke to the rush and wonder of Austin beneath me. He drew me in close, our bodies plastered together, hearts pounding.
“It’s okay,” he whispered. “It’s gonna be okay.”
My head spun, and I clung to him, drowning in his depths. Right then…too soon…I came apart.
“Too quick,” I gasped. “I’m sorry.” Embarrassed, I squeezed my eyes shut. I hadn’t come so fast since I was a teenager.
“It’s not,” Austin murmured, pulling me closer so his lips touched my ear. “It could never be.”
I pressed my forehead to his, still shaking, and pulled out. After getting rid of the condom, I slid back in the bed next to him and gathered him to me.
“I wanted to make it last. It’s…it’s been a very long time for me.”
Saying nothing, Austin remained so still, I believed he fell asleep until he spoke, his lips against my chest.
“Tell me about him?”
Reflexively, I glanced at my bedside table, but then remembered I’d had Edgar remove all of Lance’s pictures. New beginnings didn’t start with old memories lingering like ghosts.
“He was lively and happy. Always the life of the party. People knew that when Lance arrived, so did the fun.”
“So,” Austin said with amusement edging his voice, “the polar opposite of you.”
“Brat.” I smacked his ass, then sobered. “But mostly yes. I was a bit different then. Less rigid. A bit more forgiving of things.”
Somber again, Austin touched my cheek. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“No need to be. We were out to dinner, and I was tired and had to get up early for a new client. All I wanted to do was get home, review my paperwork, and go to bed. Lance wanted to stay and have a cocktail with some friends of ours who’d sat down at the bar as we’d finished our dessert. I kissed him goodbye and said, ‘See you later.’ But I didn’t.”
Now it was Austin who held me. “What happened?”
“Instead of taking a cab, he decided to walk home—it was a beautiful summer night, and the restaurant wasn’t too far from the brownstone. As he stepped off the curb at 86th Street, a stolen car came careening around the corner and slammed into him. He never had a chance. The worst part is, they didn’t stop. The cowards left him there like an animal to die.”
“That’s horrible.”
“And I blamed myself. If I’d stayed, we might not have walked that route since I hate 86th Street. We might’ve left one minute earlier or later. For years I’ve beaten myself up. I didn’t deserve a second chance at happiness. At life. He never got one. There’s been no other man since then.” I stroked his back, feeling his smooth skin quiver at my touch. “Until you.”
Austin sat up, his profile in darkness, but I’d recognize him anywhere. “You’re lucky, though. You’ve had true love.”
“I can’t deny that.” I played with his fingers. “You’ve never been in love?”
His head bowed. “I thought I was. But it turned ugly when I realized we believed in different definitions of the word. For Chris, love meant dominating me to the point of suffocation and control. It took me a while, but I was lucky to escape before it got too bad.”
The thought of anyone touching Austin, hurting him, sent a wave of fury through me. “What did he do to you?”
My heartbeat filled the silence until Austin spoke. “A few cracked ribs, a split lip, and a black eye. I got away lucky. They taped me up in the hospital, and I was fine after a couple of months. A lot of other guys don’t get a second chance.”
Recalling some of the people I’d met at the shelter, I knew that. Their horror stories were part of what made me come to grips with my decision to change the direction of my life.
“And he got jail time, I hope?”
Flopping back down, Austin stared at the ceiling. “No. He’s a criminal defense attorney, and he knew the DA and too many people in the system: judges, other lawyers. They gave him a slap on the wrist and a wink and told him not to do it again.”
“But he should’ve been disbarred for what he did,” I cried out. “That’s unfair and wrong.”
At that Austin turned to me. “That’s the criminal justice system. He’s still got his practice and his license. After I left him, I worried he might come after me, so I laid low. Lucky for me, Frankie’s mom let me stay with them in Howard Beach. After a couple of texts and phone calls, Chris got the message I wasn’t coming back, and I haven’t heard from him since.”
“I imagine it’s not an easy thing to get past.”
“No. But I had to if I wanted to live again. Otherwise, why get out of bed in the morning? It doesn’t ever go away, but it’s there to remind me of where I was and how far I’ve come. And now it’s Frankie I worry about.”
“Let’s talk about that in the morning?” It was four a.m., and we needed to get some sleep. I’d already decided to cancel whatever early appointments I had. “You are staying, right?”
Austin nodded against the pillow. “Yeah. I said I would.”
I stretched out next to him and smiled to myself as he settled in closer.
“Thank you for telling me about Lance. I know it hurts to talk about the past.”
The dark made confessions easier. “I can talk about the past because I see you in my future.” I put my arm around him, grateful for everything I had now. It had been so long. The warmth of Austin’s legs pressed against mine stirred up old memories that for once didn’t bring up pain. And now I thought of the future stretching before me, instead of reliving a past filled with regret and blame.
He smiled against my shoulder and closed his eyes.