Chapter Four
AUSTIN
Fuck. I could kill Marcus. But I couldn’t refuse, and he knew it. Rhoades held me, but not too close, and after some initial hesitancy, I allowed myself to feel the music.
Rhoades’s breath touched my cheek, and I smelled the heat of the scotch he drank. It was like the night we kissed all over again, and I swayed, desire clawing at my insides. Why did being in close proximity to this man make me light-headed and restless?
“How are you?”
“Fine,” I managed to speak. The club had taken on a sensuous glow, and the people beside us faded to black. All I could see was Rhoades.
“So you work in a dance studio? I should’ve guessed by your dancing at Man Up that you had formal training. You move beautifully.”
“I’ve worked there for a while. We teach kids four-to-nine years old. I love it.”
“And is that what you’d like to do? Teach dance? I know you can’t want to dance at Man Up for long.”
“All these questions.” I shifted nervously. I wasn’t about to reveal my dream to him. He’d no doubt find it foolish—maybe even as stupid as my father had. “I thought we were just going to dance.”
“Very well.” He said nothing more, and we danced, our bodies brushing. His effect on me was magnetic, his touch a force pulling me in close. I concentrated on his face: the small lines fanning out from his eyes, the dark brows like wings, his firm mouth. The taste of his lips lingered on my tongue, as bright and pure as if we were kissing now. I found it impossible to be near Rhoades and not crave his touch. Somehow I’d moved closer to him, and our cheeks touched.
“I wondered if I’d see you again after you didn’t show up this past week. I didn’t think you came to these types of clubs.”
“Do you think of me, then?” His hand slid up my back and splayed between my shoulder blades. I didn’t mind that possessive touch.…I wanted it.
“I…”
“I think of you.” His whispered voice filled my ear with a roar. “After I left you last week, I stayed away like you asked, but I couldn’t sleep at night. Do you want to know why?”
I found myself nodding. We’d stopped dancing, though he continued to hold me, and we swayed together, caught up in our own world.
“I don’t know. Isn’t that crazy? You know I’ve watched you at James’s club. From the first, you caught me with your confidence—you owned the stage—but I also saw something yearning in you. That it wasn’t enough. You want more.”
His hands rested on my hips, and we stood chest-to-chest. The music played on, its sensuous beat rolling through me. I could smell desire in the air.
“Yes.”
The tips of his fingers trailed over my cheek and jaw in a gesture so achingly intimate, I fought to keep standing. Finally he put his mouth on mine, and we kissed. No thrusting tongues and panting breaths. Only a gentle press of lips…and it shocked me that a man who radiated such strength could carry this tenderness inside him.
“Keep true to yourself. Follow your dreams. Only you can make them real.”
And with one last kiss, he walked away and disappeared into the crowd before I found time to take a breath. I thought about going after him but stopped myself. He was doing what I asked. Giving me the space I’d demanded. I had already told him I wouldn’t fuck him in a club, and he remembered and respected that. Another man might’ve tried to persuade me with drinks or force. Rhoades wasn’t the man I thought.
“Are you all right? Where’d Rhoades go?” Tyler appeared next to me, concern in his eyes. Ignoring his question for the moment, I posed one of my own.
“You and Marcus didn’t get along when you first met, right?”
Tyler’s face broke out into a smile, his eyes crinkling shut with laughter. “That’s an understatement. He tried to kiss me, and I decked him. Put him flat on his ass.” He slid an arm around my shoulder, and when I stiffened, he gave me a small hug. “Don’t be stupid. That kiss was a long time ago. Marcus knows he has nothing to worry about, and you’re like part of the family now.” Together we walked off the dance floor, past the bar, to a quieter place in the back of the club.
“I didn’t know that about you and Marcus.”
“No reason you would have. But now, here we are, in a wonderful place together. All because I let myself trust someone who from all appearances was the most unlikely person to give my heart to. And Marcus was the last person anyone expected to fall in love. But I’ll tell you a secret.”
Tyler led me to an empty area behind the velvet ropes, marked No Admittance.
“Okay, I’m listening.”
Tyler leaned up against the wall, the different colored lights from the dance floor flashing over his face. “Everyone wears two faces. The one they want the public to see, and the one they allow out only when they feel safe. When we fall in love with someone, we get to see that ‘safe’ face. The face of hurt and pain, mistakes and fear. Because we understand and yet we love them anyway.”
I tensed because he’d hit close to home. Too close. I wore so many faces, I wasn’t sure which one was me. If I even knew. “And you’re saying that was Marcus?”
“It was both of us.”
That surprised me. Tyler had always been so friendly and open, I never imagined him with anything other than a perfect life. Then I thought about the conversation we’d had about the man who’d forced himself on Tyler when he was go-go dancing. Maybe we weren’t too different after all.
“But you still never told me about Rhoades. What happened to him?”
I shrugged. “We danced a little, and then he left. We don’t know each other very well.”
Tyler cocked a brow, and his smile gleamed in the flashing lights of the club. “Are you sure about that? Because from the kiss I saw, I’d say you might be understating that fact.”
Heat burned my cheeks, and I was glad for the dim lighting. I ducked my head. “Uh…it was nothing. We got caught up in the moment.”
“You know what they say. Carpe Diem. Seize the day.” He waved at someone behind me, and from the sparkle in his eyes and how his smile lit up, I could only guess it was Marcus. “I’m glad we had this talk. I’ll catch you later?”
I forced a smile. “Yeah. Well, it looks like Frankie bailed on me, so I think I’m going to head out.”
“Are you sure?” Tyler stopped to study my face with concern. “You can stay with Marcus and me and dance.”
“Nah, I’m good. It’s been a long day. Thanks for inviting me. I’ll see you at the studio tomorrow.”
Without waiting for him or Marcus to answer, I brushed past them both, stopping by the coat check to pick up my jacket. I made tracks to the subway station a few blocks down, zipping up the collar against the cool night air. Once underground, I took out my phone and texted Frankie, ready to blast him for not showing up.
WTF happened to you?
Sorry, he texted back. I got busy with something and lost track of time. How was it?
Something or someone?
I gotta go.
I stared at my dark phone in hurt and disbelief. We’d known each other for over a year, but we connected after he’d broken up with Aaron and we shared all those late nights commiserating over our lousy boyfriends. I’d never known him when he was in a relationship.
The train arrived, and I automatically followed the other passengers. It was crowded, and I found a spot in the corner to lean against, still gazing at my phone. A bleak future stretched before me. Was Frankie now on the cusp of leaving me too?
Fuck it. Something Rhoades said to me tonight stuck with me. “Follow your dreams. Only you can make them real.” God, he was so right, and though it might be odd to take the advice of someone who barely knew me, maybe that was when it was the most real and honest. We were hardly strangers anymore. Not after that night he kissed me at the club and then again tonight. There are many different ways to be intimate. Rhoades’s quiet intensity, the gentleness of his touch, and the depth of passion in his words gave me insight to an extremely private man who’d allowed me to glimpse cracks in his veneer of impenetrability.
I knew he liked expensive scotch and didn’t smoke. I recognized his suits were custom made, and he favored gray and black. His shirts weren’t monogrammed, but he liked a stripe of color. His cuff links were always gold, his ties Hermés.
And now I knew his mouth and lips. Smooth like the creamiest chocolate and soft as down. Firm when needed, but gentle and giving. I licked my lips as if to regain his taste. Sharp with the flavor of scotch, but warm. It was becoming alarmingly familiar. Addictive. He wasn’t my father. I sensed a caring man, a man who’d suffered and held secrets.
Someone quite a bit like me.
The train reached my stop and I got off, anxious to get inside from the chilly night air. Once home, I felt energized, and after making a cup of coffee, I sat down at my table to sketch. If I were able to redesign Sparks, I’d put in a raised platform for the dancers instead of having them dance among the crowd. I’d take away those tiny tables by the dance floor and make booths. I sketched and erased and added a second bar, and when I finished, I had completely remodeled Sparks. I wondered what Rhoades would think about it.
My phone buzzed, and irrationally I thought it might be Rhoades, even though he didn’t have my number. When I saw Frankie’s name on the screen, I tensed for a second. Was he hurt and calling me for help? I snatched the phone up with trembling fingers.
“Hey.”
“I’m sorry about before. You gotta cool it, though, about Aaron. For the record, I wasn’t with him. I was designing and got caught up, and by the time I finished, it was too late.”
Relief flooded me. “It’s okay. No biggie. It would’ve been great to have you with me, but I totally get it.”
“Was it cool? I really wanted to go.”
I knew how much Frankie longed to go to Sparks. “We can go sometime. I have the card Marcus gave me, and he said I can use it anytime.”
“Really?” Frankie let out a whoop of joy too loud for almost one in the morning.
“Damn, Frankie. You almost broke the sound barrier and my eardrum.”
“Ha-ha. Sorry not sorry. So did you have fun? See any hotties?”
I couldn’t not tell Frankie. “The guy from Man Up was there. Rhoades.”
“Get the fuck outta here. Dish it.”
“Uh, nothing much.” As we spoke, I idly shaded in some more of my Sparks sketch. “We danced for a little while.”
“Oooh. A private dance?”
“It’s not that type of club. And it was a charity function. Marcus gave a thousand dollars, so we had to.”
“Like it was a problem for you to dance with that man. When are you gonna admit he turns you on? That you want to have sex with him?”
First I’d have to admit it to myself. “Can we change the subject? It wasn’t a big deal. We danced. He left. I stayed a little longer, and here I am now, home and talking to you.”
“You should be banging the headboard with him. I seen the way he watches you. When you do finally get it on, it’s gonna be epic.”
“If it ever happens, I’ll make sure to videotape it for you,” I said dryly.
“No shit?”
“I’m kidding, you idiot. First of all, I’m not fucking him, and second, I don’t videotape having sex. That shit leads to big trouble.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Frankie said, and I had to laugh at his dejected voice.
“But you want to know something funny? When I came home, I drew these sketches of how I thought Sparks should be set up.”
“Ooh, like you redesigned the place? Show me.”
“I’ll bring the sketches to the club, so I can explain what it looks like now and how I’d change it.”
“Can’t wait. You’re gonna make it someday. I know it.”
“Thanks. We both are.”
“Night.”
“Night.” I clicked off and stared at the sketch. Unbidden, my father’s words came rushing back at me, and the giddiness over my sketching drained away.
“If you leave this house, that’s it. Don’t come back.”
“Why would I? I never wanted to come here in the first place. I was forced to because my mother died.”
“And you’re as weak and stupid as she was.”
I threw down my sketch pencil and went to bed.
Tuesday night, I sat in the dressing room of Man Up, putting on my makeup while again contemplating my father’s words. Some things could never be forgiven. To any outsider, my father was the best of men. He plied me with toys and vacations and all my favorite foods. Everything I should’ve wanted. But I never forgot my mother begging him to love her and being ignored and dumped like yesterday’s trash.
“You all right?” Cort’s worried face peered into mine, and I blinked back to awareness.
“Yeah. How’s everything? Any more dates with your bookstore guy?” I stood and tucked a rose behind my ear, pinning it to my hair with several bobby pins to hold it steady, then adjusted my red shorts so they lay flat under my hip bones. Smooth and freshly waxed, my oiled chest gleamed in the light.
“Uh, we talked on the phone and stuff.”
Amused at Cort’s shy hesitancy, I slid an arm around his waist. “Aww, you’re cute. You like this guy? I say tell him. Does he know what you do? That you dance here, and the other stuff, I mean.”
Cort also did some private web-cam sex stuff by subscription only. At first it surprised me, but after hearing how sheltered he’d grown up, it made sense for him to try his wings before he settled down and decided what he really wanted to concentrate on.
Sadness clouded his blue eyes, and he frowned. “Yeah. He, uh, couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to fuck him on the first date. Said if I showed my dick on camera and danced here, I shouldn’t care.”
“Bastard.” I gave him a squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. “You’ll find someone who gets you. Let’s do a dance together tonight.”
“It’s okay.” But I could hear the resignation in his voice, and I grew angry at the unnamed, unknown man who’d dismissed this sweet guy based on appearances.
Wasn’t that what you were doing with Rhoades? the pesky devil on my shoulder whispered. You won’t give him a chance because you think you already know him.
It’s not the same. I know what he wants.
Yes, said the devil. You. And you want him.
Fuck off, I told my inner voice, took Cort by the hand, and pulled him along with me. “Let’s forget him and everyone else and have some fun tonight.”
“You got it.”
Laughing together, still hand in hand, we bounded down the hallway to the club. A small but noisy crew occupied the half-circle velvet banquettes, and I could see Hector at the front had checked in a large bridal party. My inner eyes rolled, knowing those girls would be drunk, rowdy, and handsy by the time the night was over.
Cort and I joined Morgan and Sonny, who were already dancing to claps and whistles up onstage. I slid my knee in between Cort’s thick, muscular thighs and rode him while he swung his lasso around in a circle over our heads.
“Ride ’im Austin,” someone yelled out from the crowd, and I slid my arms around Cort’s neck and locked my legs around his waist. “Yeah, baby, that’s what we’re talkin’ about.”
With one hand on the pole and the other holding me tight, Cort spun around on the stage. The cheering grew in intensity, faces blurring one into the next. We broke apart, dancing in unison to steps Frankie had worked out for us, and when the song ended, we stood to thunderous applause, arms outstretched to the ceiling. Bills rained down upon us, and we waved to the crowd as we collected the cash. I stood to fold the money up. “I gotta go to the bar and give this to José. I’ll catch you later.”
Frankie waited at the bar, surrounded by admirers who casually fondled his ass. It angered me that he allowed himself to be handled like that, but as he insisted, it was his life. So I said nothing and signaled to José for a drink and to take my money.
Earlier in the evening, before the club opened, I’d shown Frankie and José my sketches of Sparks, and James, who happened to amble over to see what we were doing, picked them up and nodded. “I know Sparks well. You’re absolutely spot-on with these designs. You’re extremely talented, but I’m not surprised. I hope you plan to put these ideas to good use, even if it would mean losing you.” He set the drawings back on the bar and walked away.
José, who’d been to Sparks numerous times, had asked if he could keep them behind the bar and look them over, and now was the first opportunity I had to ask his opinion.
“So what’d you think?” The margarita tasted sweet but strong, and I licked my lips from the tequila. “Here’s the cash. All singles. I checked.”
“I’ll bet you did. I’ll put it away for you.” He folded the bills up, slipped a rubber band around them, put the stash in the lock box behind the bar, and then pulled out the papers I’d left earlier. “These are fantastic. You’re really talented. Are you gonna say something to the owner?”
The thought of approaching Marcus to tell him I knew better than he did how to design his business space made me laugh. “No. I was only doodling ’cause I couldn’t get to sleep. Then when Frankie said he wanted to see them, I figured I’d bring them tonight and show you guys.” I had no idea what I’d do with them. Maybe put them in my portfolio for the day when I took that step.
“Well, they’re great. And you might be surprised. Maybe the guy wouldn’t mind a few suggestions.”
From across the floor, I saw James approach. “I’d better go. Thanks.” I drained my glass and grabbed Frankie. “Boss man on his way. Let’s get back to work.”
“Okay.” Frankie kissed the man he was talking to, and whose hand was resting on Frankie’s butt cheek. “See me later, handsome. I’ll have something special just for you.” He tilted his crown and adjusted the purple robe he wore. I noticed he’d added a bit of fake fur around the collar.
Hand in hand, we ran up to the stage to dance our pole routine. I twirled and held on to Frankie, laughing at his costume as king of the club, wishing we could remain as young, free, and happy as we were at this moment. A prickling sensation raised goose bumps on my arm, and I glanced around, only to spy Rhoades looking impossibly handsome in a blazer with a cream-colored turtleneck that set off his dark hair and silvery blue eyes. We finished and waved to the crowd, accepting tips and kisses.
“There’s your man looking at you like he could eat you up alive.” Frankie knelt to pick up the money from the floor.
My entire body tightened at Frankie’s words as I joined him on the floor to collect the money. I had to force myself not to glance up at Rhoades, but I wondered what it would feel like to be devoured by him. Cursing my head and my heart for wanting it.