Josie
Scrunching my eyes closed as tight as they’d go, I willed the pain away. This was excruciating. Why women voluntarily choose to push a watermelon out of their hooha is a complete mystery to me. Hissing in a breath, I squeezed the hand holding mine, ignoring their whiney protest as I clamped down and waited for the agony to subside.
“You’re doing great, Josie! Just rest now.”
I wanted to kick her in the face. And not just once.
The view from where I was lying was not pretty. My knees were hiked up in the air. A teeny, tiny, mouse of a woman crouched between them, looking up at me, her insignificant brown eyes full of hope. The worst part though, the part that made me want to clamp my knees together, was the fact that every time she opened her mouth, a bubbly blonde cheerleader came out. Waving her pom-poms with way too much enthusiasm. Perhaps if I’d kept my knees together in the first place, I wouldn’t be in this predicament.
A cool cloth dabbed at my forehead, wiping away the sweat beading there. I felt like shit. I wanted nothing more than to climb off this uncomfortable plastic mattress and stand under the scalding hot water for a month. Feeling more than a little sorry for myself, I looked up at the woman beside me. The one holding my hand. The one who knew exactly what I needed before I even knew I needed it. My sister. Suddenly, everything I was going through was insignificant.
Mia was right here with me.
In the moment when I needed her the most, the moment we both knew would be the hardest thing in the world for her to go through, she was still here, holding my hand and feeding me ice chips. I was a fucking horrible person.
“You’re doing great, Josie!” she promised, resting her forehead against mine and pushing the wild strands of hair from my sweaty forehead.
My heart broke.
No, it didn’t break. It shattered. Into a million tiny shards that felt like they were tearing my insides apart. And worst of all, I knew I deserved nothing less.
As the tears threatened to surface, I forced my eyes shut to hold back the overwhelming tidal wave of emotion. For some reason, in that moment I couldn’t shake the image from my mind of the day I’d shown up, looking like a drowned rat on her doorstep.
***
Two months earlier…
I stood on the curb staring at the house. I knew I was in the right place. The illuminated blue sign out the front proudly pronouncing the Police Station’s presence gave it away. It was cold and miserable and matched my sullen mood perfectly. The wind howled and cut through me painfully as I tried to pull my threadbare jacket tighter around my bulging belly. There was no give there. The spitty rain dotted my face with icy drops. Above me the sky was dark and daunting. Maybe it was a sign of what was to come.
I didn’t have high hopes.
I didn’t deserve to.
For months I’d been dodging my sister. Sure I returned her text messages and spoke to her on the phone, but it was all superficial bullshit. The secret I was carrying around was growing bigger every day. Literally. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her. There was the very real possibility it would destroy her. Destroy us. I left my bag in the car. I wasn’t in the position to make assumptions. Even if I was, I assumed I’d be crashing in a cold, lonely hotel room tonight, not in my sister’s guest room.
The rain grew heavier and I couldn’t stand there any longer. At this point, I couldn’t afford to get sick, and with my wet hair plastering itself to my face, I knew I had to move, much to my feet’s indignation. Hugging my chest, I waddled up the path until I came face to face with the solid wood door. Running my hand through my sopping hair, I sucked in a deep breath and pressed the buzzer.
I didn’t want anyone to be home.
I didn’t want to do this.
Fuck!
It felt like forever before the light above my head flickered on and I heard the definitive click of the lock unlatching. I tasted the bile in the back of my throat and the compulsion to bend over the railing and lose my lunch in the flowerbed was more appealing than ever.
The door cracked open, and the first glimpse I got was of the most delicious set of washboard abs I’d seen in a long time. A very long time. Fuck, my sister was one lucky girl. Dragging my eyes up, I took in Derek’s wide, solid chest, noticing the smattering of dark hair, and my fingers itched. I was horny. Beyond normally so. It had been too long, and I had too many hormones filling me to make this bearable. He was delicious. Wearing only a pair of sinfully low riding black basketball shorts, which were doing nothing to hide the discernible bulge tenting the front. The boy made my mouth water. But the moment my eyes met his, it was like my heated body had been plunged into an ice bath. Derek’s shock was more than obvious. His eyes were wide like saucers as he took in my swollen belly.
“Josie?” It came out breathlessly.
“H-hi, Derek,” I managed. Barely.
“Hurry up, Derek! Make them go away!” I heard Mia’s voice echoing down the hall. It was her happy voice. The one that more often than not pissed me off. Just as hearing her sing song voice was enough to break me. I couldn’t hold back the tears a second longer. Being full of pregnancy hormones sucked ass.
Without a word, Derek stepped towards me, pulling the door closed behind him, leaving us staring at each other on his veranda. When his mouth fell open, I was waiting for him to say the words and send me away. It’s what I was expecting. What I deserved. But I should have known better. From the moment Derek had swept into Mia’s life, he’d never once done what was normal. Expected. It was something I admired about him. Something I was a little jealous of, truthfully. He didn’t seem to care about others’ opinions or what was seen to be the right thing. Derek always just did what felt right to him. Luckily, what was right for him was Mia. Instead of sending me on my way, he pulled me into his arms and squeezed me tight. Until that moment I’d never understood the whole ‘a hug can make you better’ thing. It was more than a thing. It was real.
I don’t know if we stood like that, my face smashed against his chest while I sobbed and him soothing me, for minutes or hours. One thing I was absolutely positive of though, was I didn’t want it to end. After placing a comforting kiss on my temple, he whispered into my ear, “She doesn’t know, does she?”
I couldn’t form the words to answer. I felt like I was going to choke. Instead I cried harder. I felt myself shaking as I fought to get myself under control. I wasn’t having much success. I sobered up pretty quick when I heard the door creak behind me.
“Derek?”
At the sound of Mia’s voice, I stiffened. She sounded so unsure. It took me a moment, but when the penny finally dropped, I understood why. Standing there in nothing but a pair of shorts, her fiancé had his arms wrapped around another woman on her own doorstep.
Summoning every piece of strength I possessed, I squared my shoulders and pulled away from Derek, risking one last look into his eyes. Maybe I was searching his face for something. Support, perhaps. Assurance. Or maybe disgust and disappointment. He gave nothing away. Asshole.
Folding my arms across my massive, balloon-like boobs, I spun around and came face to face with Mia for the first time in five months.
Another contraction tore through my body and I howled in agony. It felt like I was being split in two. If this child didn’t get out of me soon, I could not be held responsible for my actions. I was almost at the point of reaching down and yanking it out myself. I was more than ready for this to be over.
“Just breathe through it, Josie. You’re doing so good,” Mia assured me as she squeezed my hand.
“Make it stop, Mia. Please,” I begged pathetically.
The nurse looked up at me with wide eyes and patted my leg. Mia wiped my brow with a damp washcloth. It felt fantastic. It was the only thing about this whole situation that did.
“It’s time to push, Josie. Are you ready to meet your baby?”
I felt my heart sky rocket. I wasn’t a complete idiot. I knew being pregnant led to being a mother. As I ticked the days off the calendar, I knew this moment was getting closer. Every time I shopped for bigger clothes, I knew I was running out of time. With each visit to the midwife, whenever I saw the grainy image of my baby on the screen, I tried to prepare myself for the inevitable. Now it seemed, I was fucked. The moment was here. I wasn’t ready.
I looked up at Mia.
She was trying so hard to hold it together, but I could see it in her eyes. As excited as she was to meet her niece or nephew, there was heartbreak there. This was the moment she’d dreamt of as a child. The moment she’d never get to experience.
The moment that I, being the selfish bitch that I was, was forcing her to watch. To be a spectator with a front row seat. I could only imagine how hard this must be for her. Mia though, hadn’t blinked. Instead she’d gone above and beyond ever since I’d shown up looking like a drowned rat on her doorstep.
“Josie?” Mia’s voice wavered.
Instinctively I tugged at my top, hoping to hide my bump. “Hey Mia,” I answered. It came out weak and pathetic. After all this time, all those hours spent planning for this exact moment as I drove here, all I could say was ‘Hey.’ I sucked.
Before she had a chance to reply, she leapt towards me. I barely had the chance to catch her. I hugged her tightly, knowing it might be the only one she gave me. Once she knew, once I shattered her heart, I couldn’t be sure of anything. I knew the exact moment she felt it. Mia was sliding down my body, her feet searching for the ground, when I felt her whole body freeze.
The moment her toes touched the floor, she pulled away from me. Her eyes fell to my rounded stomach and her eyes filled with tears. “J-Josie?”
That was the moment. The reason I didn’t want to come. The reason I’d hidden for so long. I was the bitch that broke my only sister’s heart.
Derek moved towards her and wrapped her in his arms. Mia buried her head in his chest. I was frozen where I stood. As she sobbed into his chest, I watched as vibrations consumed her body. I’d never broken anyone’s heart before, never had mine broken, I’d never let them close enough to do any substantial damage, yet as I watched Mia fall apart, I knew I’d just done it. Something I could never take back.
As Derek attempted to soothe Mia, rubbing his hands up and down her back, holding her close, he looked over her shoulder straight at me. “You okay?” he mouthed.
I couldn’t find the words. Any words. Instead, I nodded sadly.
The urge to turn and run was more appealing than anything else. When the thunder cracked loudly above our heads, I jumped unexpectedly. Lightning lit up the sky only a moment before the rain came down even heavier. Above my head, the sound of heavy rain landing on the tin roof muffled Mia’s sobs.
“Josie, why don’t you head in for a shower? Get warmed up and dry?” Derek invited. I must have looked stunned. Derek nodded. “Bathroom’s last door on the right. There are clean towels under the sink.”
With one last look at my sister, the sister I’d completely gutted, I toed off my shoes and padded down the deserted hallway and stepped into the bathroom, closing the door behind me.
“You ready, Josie? Let’s do this!” Mia was cheerleading now.
Controlling the desire to punch her in the face, I clamped down and pushed with everything I had. Twenty-four-fucking-minutes-later, my daughter Matilda came screaming into the world. The moment they placed the wiggling bundle of pink in my arms, all my fears evaporated. With a full head of dark hair and the most captivating innocent eyes, my heart was no longer my own.
It’s hard to believe that was eight months ago now. For eight months I’d done nothing but fall a little more in love with her each day. I was still living with Mia and Derek and they were my saviours. For the first couple of days, Mia had helped with everything. We’d alternated getting up with her so I could catch up on some sleep, and slowly but surely we’d settled into a routine. Uncle Derek was wrapped around her finger to the point that each day, something else would arrive in the mail for his spoilt princess. She had more clothes than she could ever hope to wear. I mean seriously, how many tutus did one child need?
Now things had settled and I had half a clue what I was doing, I’d started going stir crazy. It wasn’t that I didn’t love my daughter, quite the contrary. It was more I needed some adult interaction. Mia and Derek were great, when they were home. Still, I had the desperate need to talk to someone else. About anything other than feeding schedules and nappy rash. Luckily for me, the moment I’d confessed my problem to Jenna, who’d become like a surrogate mother, she’d got me a job waitressing at the club with her. Sure, it wasn’t the world’s most exciting job, nor was it career-worthy, but for right now, it was exactly what I needed.
So here I stood, trying to hide my nerves and shaky fingers while Jenna showed me around and attempted to teach me how to use the cash register.