SITTING HERE, MY THROAT FUCKING burns from the pain and hate that is building up inside of me and eating at me as I sit here in this darkened room, looking around me.
I should be holding my baby girl in my arms, loving her and giving her everything that her tiny heart desires. Anything that girl would’ve asked for would’ve been hers. I’d give her the world just to know that my baby was happy and well.
I should be able to see her tiny fingers and toes, and be able to smell her soft little baby hair as I hold her close to my chest and remind her over and over that nothing in this world will harm her as long as her daddy is here.
God, it fucking hurts so bad to know she’ll never have that.
Everything is so different than what I expected it to be when I first found out the news of Olivia’s pregnancy. I thought I had life figured out; that we would live happily in our big home, have the guys over for dinner and watch games on the TV while Hadley laughed and played with her uncles.
None of that is my reality. None of that will ever happen. Fucking ever. She’ll never have the love and security that she deserves and I’ll never forget how I’ve failed her and Olivia.
I’m royally fucked up. My head is fucked up. My past is fucked up. My future is fucked up. Nothing about me is what Avalon wants or needs in her life, yet I’m slowly letting her break me down and force her way into my heart.
My memories and loss of the past will always fucking consume me; therefore, fueling the monster that I’ve become and making it impossible for me to love her the way that she deserves. It will always lead me back to this room full of baby stuff that will never get touched.
This is my fucking life.
Screaming out, I clutch the half bottle of whiskey in my hand and toss it at the wall. The bottle shatters into sharp pieces that land at the foot of the wooden crib I put together just days before Olivia died.
I numbly watch with tears stinging the back of my eyes as the amber liquid spreads across the floor, running to my feet and wetting my boots.
Leaning my head back, I squeeze the gun in my hand and let my eyes close as my whole chest begins to burn. I can barely fucking breathe right now and I’m not sure if I even deserve to.
“Whoa! What the fuck!” Blaine yells from the open door. “Put that shit down.”
I sit up and open my eyes to look at Blaine. “Relax. I’m not going to shoot myself. Fuck, I’m not that fucked up. Not yet at least.”
“Good. Now get the fuck up!” Blaine says in a rush, while painfully looking around the room. “I’ve been looking for you for over a fucking hour and have been calling your ass nonstop. We’ve got to go. Now.”
I reach into my pocket and pull out a cigarette. This motherfucker has bad timing. Always. “My phone died. It’s downstairs on the damn charger. What the fuck do you want? I’m busy drowning in my fucking sorrows.” I motion around the room with one hand, while placing the smoke between my lips. “Can’t you see?”
Blaine’s jaw clenches as his eyes meet mine. He looks extremely pissed and anxious. “It’s Brian, dickweed.” My heart fucking stops at the mention of that name, and suddenly I’m done drowning in my sorrows. “Cole said he spotted him an hour ago over at Happy’s Lounge. Cole is there now, keeping his eye out for him to leave. We need to be prepared before he fucking skips town again.”
“Fucking shit!” With my head spinning, I jump to my feet and rush past Blaine. “I need to call Jax.”
“We don’t have time for that shit,” Blaine points out. “What the hell.” He grabs at my arm in an attempt to stop me from going downstairs for my phone. “That’s not important, dammit!”
I turn back and growl at him, before pushing past him. “The fuck it isn’t. Avalon, man. Fucking Avalon.”
His face changes, finally understanding what the hell I need my phone for. If this shit is going down, I need Avalon in the safest hands I can get her in. I don’t trust anything not to happen to her.
Yanking my phone off the charger, I run up the stairs, while giving Jax’s phone a call. He picks up on the second ring.
“I need you to get to Avalon’s work and pick her up. Take her away for the night. Got it.”
“Oh fuck,” he says, fully aware of what’s about to go down. “What time can she get off?”
I pull my phone away and glance down at the time. “A little over an hour, but I don’t give a shit. Make her leave now.”
“On it. You just take care of what needs to be done.”
“Plan to.”
Rushing outside, I slam the door behind me and jump into Blaine’s truck.
He offers me a quick glance, before pulling off and heading for Happy’s.
I look down at my phone in my hand and take a second to look through my phone to see four missed calls from Avalon.
“Shit,” I mutter, while calling her back. I don’t like that one bit. She’s never called me. Ever.
Avalon picks up on the first ring. “Royal? I’ve been looking for you. We need to–”
“I need you to go with Jax,” I blurt out, cutting her off. “Don’t ask any questions. Just get on his bike and leave when he picks you up.”
“Royal. What is going on? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” She asks in a panic. “Tell me where you are. Please. I need to see you.”
I shake my head. “No. You can’t. Not for a while. I just need you to go with Jax.”
“I know,” she blurts out. “I know what happened to those men that murdered Olivia and it doesn’t matter to me. You didn’t do anything wrong. Please just see me. I need to see you. Royal. Royal.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “Just fucking go with Jax. That’s all I’m asking you. Trust me. Please promise me you’ll go with Jax.”
She’s silent for a few seconds and it almost sounds as if she’s crying. “Dammit, Royal. I promise.”
“Thank you.”
Before I let myself get too wrapped up in Avalon, I hang up the phone and look over at Blaine. “Let’s do this, Brother.”
Blaine grips my shoulder and turns back to the road.
Now all there is to do is wait . . .
I FEEL COMPLTELY SICK TO my stomach as I gather my belongings in a hurry.
I have no clue what is going on or why Royal asked me to leave with Jax when he gets here, but my gut is telling me to listen to him and hope that nothing is going to happen to him.
“Ellie, I need you to close up for me tonight. I’m suddenly not feeling well. Can you do that?”
She looks away from her customer and nods her head at me. “Yeah, I can take care of it tonight. Go home and get some rest.”
“Thank you. I appreciate it.”
I open the door when I see a set of headlights outside, thinking that maybe Jax drives a car that I don’t know about.
Slowly walking closer, I finally see that it’s Colton’s car.
“What the hell?”
Gripping my purse, I walk up to the driver’s side window and lean my arm over the top of the glass. “What do you want, Colton?”
His eyes look pained as he looks my face over, stopping when his eyes land on my lips. “I can’t stop thinking about you. I miss you so damn much, babe.”
“Now is not the time for this,” I say softly. “Please don’t do this right now.”
He reaches out the window and grabs my hand. “Will you give me two minutes? Please. I just need to talk to you and find some kind of closure. That’s all I’m asking.”
Sucking in a frustrated breath, I look around me to see if Jax is anywhere. The small parking lot is empty besides who’s inside the building. “Fine, Colton. You get two minutes.”
I hear the sound of his doors unlocking as I walk around to the passenger side and jump inside.
He smiles weakly and places his hand over mine. “You look beautiful.”
“Let’s just talk about what you came here to talk about. Got it?” I yank my hand away. “Okay?”
“Yeah, alright.”
He shifts the car into drive and slowly starts driving through the parking lot.
“Colton,” I warn him. “I didn’t say I would go anywhere with you. I said we could talk.”
“It’s fine,” he says, while pulling out into traffic. “We’re just going around the block. Sitting here is making me nervous. The last thing I need is for Royal to show up.”
“Dammit, Colton. Just hurry so you can drop me off.”
“Don’t you miss us?” He questions, while glancing over at me. “Do you think about us and what he had at all?”
I shake my head and answer him honestly. I won’t lie to make him feel better. That’s not me. “No. I don’t think about you, Colton. We didn’t belong together. I don’t understand why you think we do.”
“We were good together,” he snaps. “I gave you six fucking months and you just walk away for my brother.” He punches the steering wheel, before fighting to catch his cool. “Sorry.”
“Colton. Pull back into my work now,” I demand. “I don’t like this.” I reach for the door handle when he goes right past the entrance of the parking lot. “Let me the fuck out.”
“Not yet, Marie.” He grips my hand and holds it away from the door, while swerving through traffic. “We’re not done talking. Just give me time.”
“Yes the fuck we are!” I yell, while trying to break my hands free. “Now stop the fucking car. Stop right now. Stop!”
“I said no. Fuck! Please just look at me. You have no idea how messed up this is for me. It’s keeping me up at night.”
My hearts starts racing and I begin screaming at the top of my lungs, and trying to roll down the window, when I hear the sound of a motorcycle close by.
Colton quickly locks the window, making my stomach knot up with anxiety. “Stop screaming. Shit, woman.”
“Jax!” I take my free hand and slap at the window. “Jax!” I turn back toward Colton when I realize I’m getting nowhere with my pointless screaming and that the man on the motorcycle isn’t even him. “Pull the fuck over and let me out. Now!”
My head slams into the side window as Colton quickly makes a right turn when the car in front of him suddenly slows down. He knows damn well that if I get the chance I will jump the fuck out of this moving car. He’s smarter than to slow down.
Cussing, I push and punch at his side as he continues to speed up and ignore me.
“Sit the fuck still. What is your problem? You’re scared of me now? Huh?” He grabs my arm and pushes me away. “You’re not afraid of a fucking murderer, but you’re afraid of me. How the fuck does that makes any sense to you? It doesn’t! Open your pretty little eyes.”
“Fuck you!” In a panic, I grab at the steering wheel. “Don’t you fucking talk about him like that. I love him, asshole. Not you. Fucking him! Now stop the car!”
“Let go!” He reaches his hand out and slaps me hard across the face, sending me flying back into my seat. “Oh shit. Fuck! Look what you made me do,” he yells as I cover my face and back away from him as far as I can.
“Asshole!”
Colton reaches out and grabs at my face once he realizes that my lip is bleeding, but I push his hand away, not wanting him anywhere near me. “Stop the car,” I demand. “I don’t want to be with you. I love your brother and I don’t care what you say or think. I’m in love with him. Hit me all you want, but that won’t change. I promise you that.”
Colton grips the steering wheel and slams his head into the back of his seat. “Shit! What the fuck am I doing?”
He turns to me, and attempts to grab my face again. “I didn’t mean to hit you. Avalon, I’m sorry.”
“Just watch the road,” I yell. “Get me back to my work. Now. I’ll get Jax on the phone so fucking fast–”
Colton suddenly slams on the brakes, sending me flying forward, hitting my head so hard on the window that tears instantly sting my eyes as I reach out and cradle my head in my shaking hands.
I lean back and look out the window to see a silver truck blocking us.
Before I know it, my door is ripped open and Jax is reaching inside to pull me out to my feet. “Shit! Are you okay?” He quickly looks me over, before running his thumb over the bump on my forehead. “Get in my truck and lock the door. I’ll be right there.”
Holding my head, I walk around Jax and hurriedly jump into his truck, locking the door as I watch to see what Jax is going to do.
All I can make out is Jax leaning halfway inside of Colton’s car and grabbing at Colton.
I jerk back in shock when I hear the car horn sound, scaring the shit out of me. Colton’s face must be making a new friend. It goes off three more times, before Jax makes his way over to his truck, mumbling and gripping at his hair. He looks completely heated and ready to kill someone.
Happy to see him returning so quickly, I unlock the door and watch as he jumps inside. “Damn, Avalon. I was scared as shit when I showed up at your work to find you gone.” He grips the steering wheel and takes a deep breath, before leaning over and checking on my head again. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, but I needed to stop Colton. I need you with me. Let me look at it.” He leans in closer and examines it. “I should’ve told you to look out for my truck.”
“I’m fine,” I whisper, while covering my head in my hands and closing my eyes. “I just need to rest. You drive and I’ll rest my eyes.”
“Nah, fuck that. I’m not risking anything. That bump looks pretty bad. It’s bleeding too. Royal won’t hesitate to kill my ass if something happens to you. Trust me.” He quickly pulls off, being careful to avoid oncoming traffic. “I’m taking you to the hospital. I’ll let Royal know where we’re at.”
“I guess I have no choice,” I mumble.
We drive for about thirty minutes before we pull up at a hospital one town over. I have no idea what is going on right now, but this is really making me nervous. I need to know what is going down tonight.
“Jax.” I lean up and grab his arm. “Tell me what the fuck is going on. Please.”
Jax parks his truck and shakes his head. “I can’t. Don’t ask me again because you will get the same response. All I can tell you is that Royal has everything handled.”
“Jax–”
“Don’t worry about Royal. Got it,” he snaps. He grips the steering wheel and I can tell that he’s just about as worried as I am. “I’ll text him once I get you inside and taken care of. Now let’s go.”
I wait inside the truck as Jax jumps out and walks over to help me out. The thought of anything happening to Royal has me fighting for air. “You better not fucking lie to me, Jax.” I try to fight back my tears, as I look him in the eyes. “I can’t lose him.”
Jax closes the door behind me and rubs his thumb over my chin. “You won’t,” he says with more confidence this time. “Everything will be fine. He can’t lose you. So let’s get you the fuck inside.”
When my head begins to spin, I grip onto Jax’s arm to keep my balance, as he walks me through the parking lot and toward the building.
As soon as I get checked in, you better believe that I’ll be calling to check on Royal. I don’t care if Jax tells me otherwise.
Nothing can happen to him. I don’t know what I would do . . .