“Berlin, Robin. Tomorrow we get to see Dad in Berlin!” Sage’s smile is contagious the next day when he leans down to give me a quick hug before joining me at the breakfast table in mine and Royce’s room. After the call from our father, he’d finally returned to some semblance of what was ‘normal’ for him on this tour. Meaning, hanging with Hunter Kennedy, Adam, and the roadies. Playing video games non-stop, and loving his private, room service filled private suite down the hall from ours.

Sage plops some pineapple in to his mouth, talking while chewing. “Remember the video-swag Royce gave me as a gift when we first met? It was his entire concert, Live in Berlin, from his first world tour. And now we’re going to be there. We will get to see the same stadium, and the see nearly the same concert, live! And for frosting on the cake, our Dad is supposed to be there at the end of it all.” His beaming smile grows wider as his eyes catch on mine. “Like I’ve said all along, Sis. Do not pinch me to wake me up. I want to keep on dreaming this dream.”

“Hey team,” Vere comes tearing into the room, holding a pile of magazines and newspapers, along with her iPad and laptop balanced on top. “Mrs. Felix is going crazy. Says we need to do a social media check, and maybe post some distraction posts fast. What the heck did you and Royce do last night to make the world sit up and notice, the feeds are blowing up and I’ve got questions. So many questions.”

I get cranky at that question, thinking: What didn’t we do? That’s one of my questions. How long will I be the last living virgin on earth? That’s another question. But instead, I stare at the latest, delicious still-warm French baguette in front of me, and answer only, “There is no Nutella. Should I call and see if we can get some.”

Sage, pops out of his chair. “I’ll just go down to the kitchen area. I’ve made friends with the concierge at this place. The guy will hook me up.”

Vere has moved to a longer side table to spread out the newspapers and plug in her iPad and laptop. “Headache from too much Champagne, Robin?” As Sage leaves, her eyes trap mine and she lowers her voice. “What’s wrong? What happened last night. I saw some photos of you in and Royce in that elevator and what the heck happened?”

I pick at the table cloth, and decide to tell her the truth. “I tried to drop my v-card last night, but Royce denied me.”

“What?” Here big-brown eyes go wider than ever. “Why? Holy cow. No wonder this morning he was stomping around, acting different.”

“How different?” I ask.

“Answer my question first Why?”

“Why did I ask him to do it with me, or why did he blow me off?”

“Both. Of course. Both!” She giggles, then clamps a hand over her mouth, because she gets by my expression that I do not find any of this funny.

I furrow my brow and decide to be completely honest with her. “I asked him because… he’s beautiful and kind to me, and because of how he treats me with such consideration, I thought he’d be the most wonderful guy in the world to be my first time you know…because…”

She finishes my sentence for me. “Because…he probably would be, and because you’re in love with him?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” I evade her question. “I feel like, we’re more than friends after all that we’ve been through in this short time—that’s for sure—and he’s even said the same to me. I figured we were married and we love kissing each other, and so…why not.”

“Shit. So…you are in love with him?”

I blush, glancing at the door to make sure Sage is nowhere near, and I whisper. “Who could blame me? He’s amazing. Inside and out, amazing, right? How else am I supposed to feel about Royce after all of this fake marriage stuff. I’m not a piece of plywood, I’m a real human girl and I’ve been sharing a bed with him on and off for months and he’s…so…great.” I shake my head.

She nods. “Yeah. He is. All that and more.” Leaning in she also starts whispering. “So, why did he say no? Why?”

“Bullshit excuses so my feelings won’t be hurt.” I mimic his voice. “Because my dad is coming to take me home. Because it would mess with my head, and because his life will ruin my life. Because I need to get back to the real world. Because he needs to be able to look my dad in the eye and shake his hand—because I deserve forever.”

“Aww. Oh that’s really sweet. Do you believe him?”

“Whatever. I don’t know.” I huff out a breath. “I’m not an idiot. It’s because he probably wants to get back to his real life, dating models and movie stars, and he doesn’t want to have my broken heart on his conscience—because I think he does care about me. He probably knows I’m stupidly head over heels in love with him, and me, having sex with him would make that worse, which is true, damn him.” I shrug, feeling even more desolate now that I’ve said it out loud. “I don’t know. Why does any guy say they don’t want to have sex with you after you ask. Because they don’t think you’re hot. It could some of that, too.”

“Oh, Robin. It’s not any of that—yet—it’s probably all of that stuff—not counting the line where you think he doesn’t find you attractive, as we all know he does.”

“Vere. I was nearly naked because that stupid dress was falling off. I was begging him to do it…begging him…” I crack into the baguette and take a bite, frowning.

Her brows shoot up as I nod talking with my mouth full, “And like it could have been so easy…yet no. We didn’t.” I put a hand on my heart because it’s twisting so bad it hurts as I go on, “I guess I’m like a casualty of war, huh?” I try to joke my way out of this feeling. “He was firing fake love-bullets all around me for the press—holding my hand and gazing into my eyes, and kissing me all the time—and of course being so nice and so handsome. I think each one of those moments became a direct hit to my unsuspecting heart.” I rip into another bite of bread. “And, even worse, going by the way this heart of mine wouldn’t stop flutter-beating all summer whenever he was around me—and no—after how awkward I made it between us last night, it’s all but cracking in half?” I drop the bread onto a plate. “Vere…after last night, I’m bleeding out.” I drop my voice lower. “And…I can’t stand how painful it all is.” I shake my head. “Because…yeah. This has to be love…and it really sucks.”

“Oh. Robin. Oh…I’m sorry.” Vere comes to put an arm around me.

“I’ve never been in love before, so don’t have a comparison, but I’m pretty sure this is the real thing. I’m so stupid, huh?” I laugh, acting like it’s not a big deal. “Because, now that I’m finally going to get to see my Dad—which was the only thing in the whole world I thought I wanted. Which is the only thing I do want, right? And…I’m supposed to be happy. I’m supposed to feel excited for what’s next, but all I feel is this terrible sadness.” I look up at her. “It’s like I’m stuck on some steep snowfield and I’m scrambling around but I’m slipping in place. Unable to go up or down, and worse,” I pull my brows down. “I feel like I’m going to die on that snowfield.”

“You sound like that TV show, where they’re all alone and naked and— do you know that show?”

“Yes. It’s exactly like that.” I manage a smile for her. “I’ve done the whole mission and all I have to do is walk out and there will be food and some helicopter waiting to transport me to the shelter and the prize money. But instead, I’m just lying there and I don’t care that I won. I can’t move and maybe there’s wolves lurking around, and I probably have hypothermia —oh and I’ve been eating only snow for days so my stomach endlessly hurts, and I actually am staring at the snowflakes pelting me and wishing to just die to end this pain and I don’t care about anything else.” I pull out a shuddering breath and blink at her, coming back into focus. “Does that make any sense or have I simply just lost my mind?”

“Heck yes, it makes sense.” Vere’s shaking her head. “That’s love all right, and you’ve got it so…so bad.”

Sage skips back into the room with a massive jar of brand new Nutella just as I’m whispering, “I’m afraid. Really afraid. Of…of…”

Sage has already cracked the thin gold foil that comes sealed over the top of the jar and he’s eating a cake-pop sized spoonful of the stuff. “Afraid of what?”

Turning my back on Vere, and hoping she will understand the topic of Royce is closed, I flip the conversation away from Royce and onto other things I’m afraid of. Quickly I answer, “I’m afraid to go back to our old life. That things won’t be the same. That we will have all changed too much. Including…Dad.”

Sage shrugs like my fears are unfounded. “But we aren’t going back to our old life. We’re going to New York City to live in the awesome apartment under Mrs. Felix. It’s going to be a whole new life, at least until I’m out of high school and you’re out of art school.” He grins that irrepressible grin of his. “No going back, Robin. The Love family is back together and we will be better than ever, starting a great new life. Robin! Just think, we will hang out with the Perinos again. I spoke to Angel, he’s dying to see us.”

“And I’m dying to see him,” I say, ruffling the too-long curls on top of his head. “Ana and Julia, too. All of them.” It’s not hard to pace on a sincere smile at Sage about seeing the Perino family again. Despite all that I just said to Vere, thinking of Angel’s little cousins and of my good friend Angel and of his mother waiting to see us again has been like a balm to my tortured thoughts about Royce.

Sage swipes a second Nutella-gob onto a croissant. “Aren’t you ready to go back to the good old USA? It was fun to see some of Europe, but I’m done. I want Domino’s Pizza. I want Taco Bell so bad that the craving hurts. I need the crunchy round ice from Sonic. For that matter I need every single drink to be super-sized with double ice. I’m also excited to start the new school. I thought I’d never say this about hanging out with Guarderobe—because, Hunter, Adam and Royce are awesome brothers to me. I want to be with kids my own age again. Ones who aren’t stuck in long term relationships, or worse, married. No offense to Adam, Evie and that baby, but let’s just say, their disgusting mush-relationship and all of the diaper changing and worrying about how much baby Apple eats has put me off babies for life.”

I laugh a little at that, as does Vere. “Well, I hope Hunter and I added to your disgust.”

Sage nods to her solemnly. “Yes. You did. You both wrote the book on sappy and disgusting, I’m terrified for you two to have a baby.”

Vere grins at him, clearly not offended. “You’ll fall in love just how we have, one day, Sage. And you’ll probably be sappier than all of us.

“Never. Well…maybe. But I can’t do that while on tour here with all of you.” His eyes capture mine. “Robin, don’t you feel the same? Like it was all fun, but you’re ready to get back to being un-married. Back to regular life? I’m going to get a girlfriend, I guess…but I’ll pick very carefully. Pick a girl who plays video games, too.”

Vere laughs and so do I. “Good plan.”

He nods to me. “Robin, you also should get a boyfriend.”

“Heck yes…and…I will. I will,” I say, trying to match the bravado in my little brother’s voice while not thinking of the humiliating talk I had with Royce last night on this very same topic. It’s made my heart twist so hard again the corners of my eyes are threatening to water. “I’ll be very picky like you. Shop around and get a guy who really wants me…for me.” I dart a glance at Vere. “Get an…artist guy like me…or…yeah, just a…a nice…guy. Very nice,” I finish, feeling stupid and forlorn and very sorry for myself because Royce Devlin is a nice guy.

Sage smiles, still not understanding any of the layers of hurt and confusion going through me right now. “How long will it take for the divorce to get ramped up and over.” He puts the lid back on the Nutella, frowning up at me.

“I—it depends on when…Royce, uh…publicly, you know.” I swallow, hating how my heart is twisting and buckling more, so I drop my voice to extra quiet. “Cheats on me.”

“Shit. That’s what’s going to happen?”

I can’t answer, only nod, because it feels like there’s now a bus sitting somewhere on my chest.

Vere, like she can sense it’s upsetting me even more to talk about this, answers quickly, “Heck yes. Cheating will bring on the most public sympathy because people always feel sorry for the one who got cheated on. He will probably get some photos taken of himself with his arm around some girl, which will start off the gossip train about how the marriage may not be doing so well. Knowing Royce, he will want to do it quickly and thoroughly.”

“Thoroughly…” I whisper out, choking on that word as my thoughts spiral out of control. Will he thoroughly kiss someone else? Thoroughly get a new girlfriend? Thoroughly sleep with her when he wouldn’t touch me after I begged him like a fool? Thoroughly publicly dump me—which shouldn’t matter considering—none of this is real, right?

Vere goes on, “If the photos are solid and the rumors hit fast, Robin should be free to date. Back to being….” She pauses to make finger quotes. “A single, normal college freshman somewhere around Thanksgiving break. Maybe sooner. I heard Royce saying we might invite Clara to do be the girl who breaks you up. Gregory thinks it would be easy to get her in on the scheme since she literally stalks Royce. If we use her, we won’t have to explain anything to her because she thinks the relationship between you two is completely legit. She also thinks she’s a way better choice than you to be with Royce—meaning she seems the type who would love being your personal home wrecker. I think it’s a perfect idea, actually.”

I haven’t been able to breathe in or out since she uttered the word Clara, but finally I manage to shout out, “No!”

Only…my voice has come out raw and unclear and it sounds like I’m talking through cardboard, or sandpaper or dirt. “Not her. Anyone but her. Please.” I close my eyes, and bark out a laugh so Vere can’t peer into them anymore. “I—I just mean that I think it would be easier if it could be someone I don’t know. If I have a say in it, that is, and I hope that I do.”

When she doesn’t answer, I open my eyes and shoot her a look, hoping to God I’ve got my ‘could-care-less’ mask locked back in place. “Vere. What I’m saying is, Royce doesn’t even like Clara that much. Maybe for once the guy could try to have a real relationship, since I don’t think he’s ever done that in his entire life. Naturally meet a girl under normal circumstances and be himself. I would be happy to know that he was going to walk away from this to start a nice—new life, too. But a real one. I mean, is it that hard for a guy who looks like him to meet a girl and flirt with her, call her on the phone, follow some sort of normal relationship progression all the way to honest butterflies and a sincere love story? Does it all have to be so fake and orchestrated for him? Does it?”

“Oh. Wow. Now that you mention it, I guess not.” Vere blinks. “You know? We’ve been all so caught up in the scheming, that I think none of us ever thought of that for him.” Vere’s rubbing her chin, thinking hard. “I’ll mention it because, yeah…you’re right. He needs to move on from this just how you will, and why not move out of the lies and back to something real. Why not?”

“Thank you.” I shrug. “The guy acts like he’s not able to forge connections, when in fact, he seems to be able to get any dumb girl like me to fall for him in seconds flat. Half of his work is done with just one smile, right? And well, the world is full of millions of dumb girls like me, right? Millions…he can have his pick.” Another too-harsh sounding laugh escapes, and somewhere from inside the hurting, my voice has turned sarcastic…heck, maybe even bitter as I add, “Please mention he’d have to do something called being himself to make it solidify. All he has to do is twinkle those electric eyes, or quirk one side of his smile up how he does, or brush his hand against her cheek, because that always buckled my knees since day one—but he needs to mean it instead of act it how he was doing with me.” I shudder out an angry breath. “Again…not so difficult…right?”

Vere’s shaking her head at me, and making this expression that looks way too much like pity, but I don’t deserve that, nor do I want that.

I just have to remember that my cup is so full it’s spilling over right now, and I’m not going to feel sorry for myself or have anyone else feel that for me either. I got everything I wanted. Sage is safe, my father is home, people here truly care about me, and I’ve made so many memories and friends. Longing for a ‘more’ that was never really there seems just…rude or ungrateful or…something.

I force a deep breath into my lungs and the ache of it expanding has nearly cracked my ribs as I turn away from Vere to stare out of the window as I add in a couple last lies, “It’s all going to be fine. Just, tell Royce whomever he picks, to please make it quick. Rip off the Band-Aid—be thorough or whatever you said. I…truly, don’t care.”

“I’ll tell him.”