I owe my life to Daphne. She’s my savior, my angel. After I pulled the trigger in front of her, trying to off myself, she didn't run. She didn't belittle me for the choice I made, she didn't get angry, and she didn't make me feel like the worthless piece of shit I thought I was.
What she did do was bring me food, and got me in the shower to clean myself up, washing away my friend's blood. She sat with me silently, comforting me, and crying with me. She stayed with me for two days before driving me to the airport, where I got on a plane and came to a treatment center in Arizona.
I've been here for a month now, getting help, and I’m slowly beginning to open up. Those demons are buried deep inside of me as well as in the box under my bed. I haven't made much progress yet with therapy because I don't know how to release the darkness that lives and breathes within me. My doctor here has adjusted my medication and it's starting to make me feel good again, but I have a long road ahead of me.
"Are you ready to talk today, Devon?" My therapist, Ian, asks, drawing my attention to him.
"What am I supposed to talk about?" My eyes bore into his dark ones.
He taps his pen on the notebook sitting on his desk. "Why don't you talk about your friend's death?"
"I can't," I deadpan.
He releases a deep breath of air. "You have to open up to someone, Devon. You don't trust me. I get that, so I'm going to show you something I've never shown any of my patients." Ian stands to his full height of six foot five, his dark eyes looking hesitant for a second until he begins unbuttoning his long-sleeved dress shirt.
He pulls it down his shoulders, and I get the first glimpse of tattoos. My brows furrow. Why the hell is he taking his shirt off? He turns facing away from me and that's when I see the logo covering his wide back.
The reaper stands in the middle, running down his spine. The word “Reapers” is tattooed across his shoulder blades. “Arizona MC” is tattooed at the bottom of the reaper. Holy shit! My mouth flops open and closed like a fish.
I never put two and two together, but he does have a hard appearance about him. Hell, he could rival Bear in size, and he has a scar that runs across his cheek, but you can't see where it ends because of his beard.
He spins back around and begins fixing his shirt. "I saw your cut when you first checked in. I get that you can't talk about club business, but you can talk about his death. You need to make sense of what happened, and I'm here to help you. You also need to get out what happened while you were deployed. Talking to me isn't going to take away your PTSD or depression, but it will help you deal with your demons."
I dip my head for a second, then lift it back up. He sits down on his chair across from me and I take a deep breath. "The bullet was meant for me. Mullins saw it coming and pushed me down. It hit him in his chest above his heart. It was my job to protect him, to bring him home to his family. His wife lost her husband and his kids lost their father. I made a promise and I broke it."
He nods but stays quiet. Ian runs his hand over his beard. "Why did you make that promise?"
I stare at him blankly. "Because shit wasn't supposed to go down like it did."
"But you know in the MC life you are never guaranteed tomorrow. So, why make that promise knowing it could go wrong?"
I shrug and start to get irritated by where he's going with this. "I talked to him the night before. I tried to get him to stay at the clubhouse instead of going. But he wouldn't fucking not go with us."
"And did you put him in the line of that bullet?"
My stare hardens. "No! Why would I fucking do that?"
"Did you drop to the ground and leave him to get shot and killed? Did you leave your friend to stand there while you fucking ran away?"
I sit up straighter in my chair. "No!" I grit through my teeth. My face begins heating with fury.
"So, it was his decision to ride, it was his decision to push you down and save you, it was his decision to leave his wife and kids, knowing shit could go wrong?"
"Yes."
He leans closer resting his elbows on his knees, his tone softens. "Then tell me, Devon, how is any of that your fault?"
I fall back in my seat, realization dawning on me. "It's wasn't."
"You tried to do what you could, but ultimately, every choice he made was his. Not yours. And you can't hold yourself accountable for that."
“You have a way about you.” I run my hand over my face.
He laughs a deep throaty laugh. “So I’ve been told. My way may not be ethical, it might piss you off, make you think what the fuck is this son of a bitch talking about, but I promise you, Devon, in the end, I will have done my job to the fullest of my capabilities, and I will have you see the truth in your skewed version of reality. My job is to help make you better, and I will do that by any means necessary.”
I nod and think over his words.
His dark eyes meet mine. “Do you want to dig any deeper today? Want to talk about anything else?”
I shake my head. “No, I’ve had enough for today besides Daphne is coming.”
He smiles a big cheeky smile. “Have a great visit. Same time tomorrow.”
I stand and walk to his door. “See ya’.” I throw over my shoulder.
I leave Ian's office, walking down the long hallway to go out the front doors. There's a few patio tables and chairs to my right, so I sit and wait for Daphne anxiously.
The one thing I can say about this place, it's serine. It can be lonely at times, but I have no worries here. I don't have to think about all the killing that happens in the MC life. I don't need to wonder who the next enemy will be that we have to take out, and there is nothing here that will trigger my PTSD.
That's what my doctor and Ian are most worried about. If I go home, will it be a setback? They have me on a three-month plan here, and then we will evaluate my progress and my feelings about transitioning back into life outside of here.
A navy-blue van pulls into the circular drive. I can't see who’s in it, but I stand, hoping it's Daphne. It feels like forever before the passenger side door opens and she steps out.
Fuck, she's beautiful!
Her hair is now all black without the blonde underneath. It hangs loosely down her back in big curls. She’s gone lighter on her makeup, and she's wearing a black maxi dress with her black lace-up boots.
Her eyes meet mine. The smile that forms on her face has me wanting to drop to my knees right here. She runs full speed toward me and wraps her arms around me. "Dev!"
I hold her tightly, not wanting to let go as her floral scent invades my nostrils. "God, I fucking missed you," I tell her quietly. I pick her up before setting her back down on her feet.
"I've missed you too." She pulls back, tears pooling in her eyes as she bites her lip. "I brought some people with me." She always bites her lip when she’s nervous, has something big to tell you, or is in deep concentration. It never fails to make my cock twitch.
I focus on what she said instead of my rising erection so that I’m not giving whoever she brought an eye full. My brows pull down. "Okay." She never mentioned bringing anyone. She waves toward the van, the side door opens, and my mom appears.
She walks up to me hesitantly with tears in her eyes. I'm assuming Daphne told her what I did. "Hey, Mom." I pull her into my arms as she begins to cry. "Shh. Don't cry. I'm okay." I try to comfort her.
She sobs into my chest. "I love you, Devon. I'm sorry."
I break from our hug, cupping her cheeks with my hands so she has to look at me. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I love you, Mom."
She cries harder. "Yes, I do. I was a terrible mother to you."
I chuckle. "No, you weren't. You were the best mom I could ask for. And my problems are not because of you." I give her a kiss on the cheek and release her to stand beside Daphne.
Two more people start walking up to us. "You had your parents come?" My wide eyes dart to her.
She gazes up at me. "They love you, Dev. You were always like a son to them and they wanted to give you their love and support."
"Devon!" Penny, Daphne's mom, gushes and gives me a tight hug.
"It's good to see you, Penny." I hug her back before letting go.
Daphne's dad stands in front of me with his arms crossed over his chest and narrowed eyes. "You know when you two were kids, we loved you. Then you hurt my baby and gave her a baby, making me a grandpa way too soon."
"Dad!" Daphne groans.
"It's okay," I reassure her. My eyes stay glued to his. "Yes, sir. I've made many mistakes in the last eleven years, but leaving your daughter was the worst," I tell him honestly.
"And what are you doing to rectify it? What happens when you want to leave again?"
I cross my arms over my own chest, matching his stance, refusing to back down. "Not gonna happen. I'm gonna marry your daughter just like I always should have."
He relaxes and slaps my shoulder before bringing me in for a hug. He whispers in my ear. "You hurt either of them again, you will have me to deal with. But...I'm happy you’re getting the help you need, and I can see Daphne still loves you. I want what's best for her, and though I question it, I stand beside her decisions."
"I'm what's best for her and our son," I tell him boldly, without hesitation. He pulls back and nods. He goes to stand next to his wife.
One more pair of feet step out of the van and walk toward us. His head is down until he gets a few feet away. I glance at Daphne, but she's looking straight ahead with a big smile and tears falling. My head snaps back in front of me. I'm frozen in place. I hear my own heartbeat pounding in my ears, and I try swallowing past the lump that's grown in my throat. Tears spring forward, but I don't bother trying to hide them.
He lifts his head. His eyes stare into mine as a smile begins to form on his face. "Hi, Dad."
I drop to the ground, tears run down my cheeks, and I lose it in front of everyone. Zane runs for me, throwing his arms around my neck. Mine go around his back. I hug him so tightly, and just like I feel for Daphne, I never want to let go of him.
I barely get out, "Hey, buddy."
I pull back to look him in the eyes. "I love you so much. Do you know that?"
He nods. "My mom and grandmas have told me. I love you too, Dad. When you leave here can we hang out?"
I smile wide and nod. "Yes, definitely."
I stand back up with my arm around my son, and I put my other around Daphne. I lean over, kiss her temple, and whisper, "Thank you."
Her head swivels in my direction. She smiles up at me and mouths, “You're welcome.”
"Let me show you around." I'm not surprised my father didn't come. I'm not going to waste a breath by asking about him.
I lead them down the few yards to the pond. It has huge goldfish swimming around in the water. Some of the patients like to sit out here away from everyone else. They watch them while drawing or writing in their journals that we get in group therapy.
"It's so peaceful out here." My mom comments while looking around at the flowers and miles of empty green land.
"Yeah, it really is. Different than the city.” I look down at my son. "Zane, do you like horses?" I still can't believe he is here.
He looks up at me with a blinding smile and nods quickly.
It's surreal, and looking at him, it's like looking at myself when I was his age. Having him say “Hi, dad” and hug me, felt like my whole world was right. Every missing piece was found and put back where it belonged. It’s fucking wild how much I love him and don’t even know him.
The gut-wrenching feeling that I almost wasn't here to meet him takes root deep in my chest.
"Hey, you okay?" Daphne nudges my shoulder.
My eyes focus on hers. "Yeah. I just got lost in my thoughts for a minute. Okay, so let's go up this way." I lead them to the right and around the other side of the center. A wooden fence runs along the back where the horses are.
"Can I ride one?" Zane asks in awe, staring at the animals.
"One of the workers should be in the stables." I run over to check and find Mason cleaning. "Hey, can my son ride?"
He leans the shovel against the wall and pulls his work gloves off, sticking them in his back pocket. "Yeah, sure. Let me get Star saddled."
"Thanks." I run out of the stables and back over to my family. "He's going to get you all set up."
"This is awesome, Dad!" Zane tells me excitedly. I laugh, but I fucking love hearing him call me dad.
When Mason is ready, he waves Zane over and instructs him on what to do, then helps Zane onto the horse. Looking over at us with a wide smile, Zane waves. We all wave back and laugh at how happy he is.
I take Daphne's hand in mine, entwining our fingers, and pull her away from our parents. "Thank you for being here."
Her free hand comes up and lays against my cheek, her eyes searching mine. "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, Dev. I brought your mom and my parents to show you that we love you and we're here for you."
My brows pull down. "Why did you bring Zane?"
She sighs and drops her hand. "Because you need your son and he needs you. I was trying to protect him, but it was only hurting the both of you." Her eyes connect with mine. "Maybe if you had Zane before, you wouldn't have pulled that trigger." Her eyes fill with tears and her voice wobbles.
I pull her into me. "Baby, it had nothing to do with you or Zane. It’s my own personal hell, and I couldn't see any way out. I'm so fucking sorry you were there to witness it, but I promise, I'm getting better. I'm starting to realize my worth, and what I have to live for.” I look over at our son and back to her. “It's going to be a long road, but I'm going to fight like hell to stay in the light."
"I don't ever want to be without you again." She cries into my chest.
"You won't be." I rub my hand up and down her back, kissing the top of her head. "I'll love you forever, Daph."
"No!" She shouts unexpectedly and pulls away from me. My face scrunches up in pain from her outburst. "You can't say that to me ever again, Devon." She shakes her head, and I'm at a loss. "Those are the last words you said before...I...I just can't hear them. It's a reminder."
"Shit!" I didn't even think about that. "How the fuck do I tell you I love you then?"
Just saying I love you to her has never felt right. What we have is more than just some generic saying. It’s deeper than all of that. I need it to be special, only for us, because she needs to know she's special to me.
"Just tell me you love me." She laughs and looks up at me with adoration through her thick black lashes.
"No, that's not good enough. I'll think of something. But for now, I do love you."
"I love you too."
I finger a few strands of her hair, twisting it around. “I like your hair. It reminds me of when we were younger.”
“Thanks.” She smiles. “Maybe you aren’t the only one finding yourself again.”
I cup her cheeks in my hands, and bring my lips softly to hers before moving my mouth over to her ear. "When you get home, I want you to go to the clubhouse. Go into my room and get the box from under my bed. You'll have all the answers."
I pull back. She has a questioning expression, but I don't give her time to ask anything. I take her hand in mine and tug her along with me back over to our parents to watch Zane ride. Maybe one day he'll be riding a Harley?