“It’s leather, isn’t it? Like a belt… Like a belt unraveling through a tough pair of denim?” I asked.

I was comfortable now with the whip and most of the paddles too. All of their power stemmed directly from my fear of pain, but after the pain became a part of my pleasure, the sight of them didn’t scare me any longer. When he held it in front of me, I barely buckled. I was getting stronger.

Pain was just another word for change. And change made me adept at being able to love those who needed me most.

“It’s leather. It came from Germany. Stuttgart, actually, near the Neckarsulm river. It was the first play item I ever bought,” Leo said.

His eyes eyed the wall of toys and accessories quite proudly. Leo took a step back and rubbed his hand across my lower back. “It’s a bit excessive, I suppose.”

“You don’t really think that, do you?” I asked him. Lately, we had been fucking like bunnies while taking our pleasure to new levels of depravity.

Leo bit the side of his cheek. “I don’t know. It was so long ago when I started. There was so much excitement, at first. I poured my whole fucking life into this community. I traveled the world, linked up with likeminded guys, and together, we basically started the old Leather and Lace,” Leo said with stars in his eyes.

“So, that’s how you live here? I mean… you don’t work right?” I asked.

“Ha! Wouldn’t you like to know?” Leo chuckled, and I suddenly felt very embarrassed. “I owned a piece of Leather and Lace for about fifteen years. I didn’t buy it to make money, though. It’s weird to call a sex club your home, but it was where all of my friends gathered. Eventually, I sold my half of the club back to Hank. I wanted to retire early. Bought a few houses. Sold them two years ago. Now, I don’t really have to work.”

“Damn, that’s amazing! I wish I didn’t have to work.” I laughed, but then I thought about the SmartPet Shop and how hopeless it all made me feel. My heart was never in it, but I knew I had an obligation.

I couldn’t stay over here another night. I had to go home and catch up on some things. Plus, my mom was probably going crazy alone in my house. It was wrong of me, but I hadn’t replied to any of her texts all week.

I walked over to one of the paddles hanging down over the head of his bed. I reached out to touch the leather edges. They weren’t just tools and toys. They were beautiful works of art.

“Every item has a story. I know it sounds weird, but this whole wall is the tapestry of my life,” he said. “Haven’t bought much these days. I haven’t really felt like a part of the community in a long time.”

“Well, it’s not excessive,” I said. “I love that this is your story.”

“When I bought this whip, I wasn’t the beast. I was just Leonard, some plain and skinny white boy from Detroit.”

“Skinny?” I laughed a little, trying to imagine how he used to look.

I chuckled. “I was a total goth too. Black hair, painted nails—the whole deal. I used to get my ass kicked on a daily basis. Man, you’d walk down the street at night, and guys would just know you were cruising. They’d pull over in their pick up trucks and beat the living hell out of you.”

Leo winced, but quickly snapped out of the memory. “Sorry. It was just rough times. So, I worked out every single day, twice a day. I made sure no one would fuck with me again.”

“Jesus,” I whispered.

“Life goes on.” Leo sighed, but his gaze fell to the St. Anthony’s cross. “Now, this is something I’m proud of. Cost a pretty fucking penny, but it was worth every cent.”

My eyes widened with excitement. I analyzed every grain of wood. It was the thing I wanted to use most. The St. Anthony’s cross… Leo could strap me in that bad boy, and have his way with me for days.

“Why haven’t we used it, daddy?” I asked him, pulling against his arm.

“You think you could handle it?” Leo asked.

“I can handle anything,” I said, proudly.

“Can you handle moving in with me?” Leo asked.

I let out a big laugh. “I don’t know,” I said. Leo, of course, frowned and leaned against the wall, sure to make me feel guilty enough to give in.

“Well, I have my mother to think about, and you already told me you wouldn’t want her to move in with us, so…” I trailed off, but I hoped he would understand where I was coming from.

“I’m sure your mom would just love my wall of dildos,” Leo said, smiling a little.

He ran a finger against his nipple piercing and sighed. I knew he wanted me to move in, but I never had a place of my own. I never had any space to myself. “We could fuck for days,” Leo said.

“I’m not saying I won’t move in, but I have a lot to think about first,” I said.

“Fine,” Leo said. “I won’t pressure you anymore.”

He looked bummed. I didn’t know all of the intimate details of Leo and Patrick’s relationship, but I wondered if he sometimes compared ours to theirs. I slowly walked up to the St. Anthony’s cross and ran my hand across the wood.

“I don’t know why you don’t just kick her out. I know she’s gone through a lot, Hayden, but you’ve given her enough. Don’t you think?” Leo’s question was innocent, but the stress it brought me annoyed the hell out of me.

“Look. Just give me a few months to figure all of this out. I can’t just kick her out. I know it seems that easy, but it isn’t. I need to come up with a plan,” I said.

Leo hugged me. I tugged against his nipple piercing and then ran my finger across his bicep tattoo, feeling the raised skin of black tribal ink. “You have time,” he said.

I kissed him and fell into his arms, just for a few moments. I had to go home, and though I knew I had to get shit done, I wasn’t excited to leave Leo.

“I’ll take you home,” he said.

“Ugh.” I took his hand. Our fingers interlocked. I glanced down at them and felt butterflies in my stomach. “I don’t want to go,” I said.

Leo grabbed the keys to the car and walked with me into the hallway. “Well, you could always come over tonight,” he said.

“Yeah?” I bit my lip and glanced over at the St. Anthony’s cross. “Maybe…”

Leo opened the front door, laughing. “The St. Anthony’s cross… you always look at it. You really want to use it, don’t you?”

I blushed and glanced down at his powerful hands. I ran my hand across the center of his jeans and stopped smiling. “I want to fully let go, daddy,” I said. “I want you to use me. For a full day. I can handle it.”

“We’ll see about that,” he said.

“Just have it ready for me,” I growled.

Leo caressed the back of my head, kissed my clavicle, lips sucking around my flesh until a dark red mark formed. He turned the ignition on and slammed his foot against the pedal. “Buckle up, babe,” he said.

He drove as fast as he could, but I dreaded every mile that passed. I hated my house. Even though it was mine, it had been taken over by my mother. That was fine and dandy, but she didn’t know about me yet. Going home meant I couldn’t be myself. It meant going backward.

“Here we are,” Leo said as we pulled up to the other side of the neighborhood, a block away from my house. “Want me to drop you off here?” he asked.

I nodded, feeling the pit in my stomach grow larger and larger. The looming threat of my neighborhood hung over my head. “No,” I said. “Drop me off at the house.”

Leo’s brows jumped into the air with surprise. “Seriously? I know your mom doesn’t know about us yet. What if she finds out?” Leo asked.

“She’s going to have to find out sooner or later,” I said, shrugging. In truth, the thought of telling her tonight made me sick to my stomach. I didn’t know how I’d be able to do it.

Leo smiled and rubbed my back before turning the car back on and driving toward my driveway. Just as I suspected, my mother was sitting on the porch, drinking her gin, no doubt preparing the best way to come at me about not responding to her texts.

“Uh-oh. You’re in trouble.” Leo cracked up. “Grounded for two weeks.”

I tried not to laugh with him because this was my mother, after all, but he was so right. This was lame as hell. “God. I hate this,” I said. “I feel so stupid talking about my mom. I’m a total loser. Who has to take care of their mom at this age?”

“You’re not a loser, Hayden. Life is fucked up sometimes, and both of you went through a traumatic experience. At the end of the day, all you’ve tried to do is lift your mother up as best you could. If anything, that’s commendable. You’ve given her a lot, but I do think it’s time to move forward,” Leo said. “You should come out to her. She needs to know who you really are.”

I nodded. “It’s been time for a hell of a long time,” I said. “Oh, great. Here she comes.” My mother walked down to the car, but not towards my window. She was looking and walking toward Leo.

He rolled down the window to talk to her, but all I could do was rest my eyes against my hands as if that would hide my absolute shame. It didn’t.

“Mother,” I said, more of a groan than an utterance.

“Don’t give me that mother crap, Hayden. I’ve been worried sick,” she said.

Oh, God. Why was she doing this to me here, in front of Leo? I was fed up. I said to her, “I’ve told you a million times, mom. I’m an adult. Lay off me.”

“I’m your mother.” She was appalled. Flabbergasted. She was every dramatic emotion rolled up into one. She was also incredibly fucking drunk. As always.

“I’ve been here for a week, and you’ve been running around the city with your… your little friend.” She emphasized the word little purely to get on both our nerves.

Leo smiled at me and took my hand. Not now, I thought. Not in front of my mother. She wasn’t going to understand. “Who are you, anyway?” she asked Leo. “Does my boy owe someone money? Are you in trouble, Hayden?”

That’s what this was about. Money. Of course. Admittedly, this was a delicate situation. Leo curled his hand into his lap. He gazed at me with disappointed eyes.

“He’s a good friend, mom,” I said.

Leo’s face changed. He smiled and held his hand out for a friendly handshake. “Leo,” he said. “I’m his really good friend.”

A really good and great and completely straight friend. He wasn’t my play-daddy or anything. Nope. Nothing out of the ordinary going on…

“Well.” My mother stopped to shake his hand, tenderly. “I apologize I came off so strong earlier,” she said. “I’ve been going through a lot lately, and—”

“Hey, there’s no need to apologize. Hayden told me everything about you. All good things, of course. It’s a real honor to meet you,” Leo said.

He was an excellent sweet talker, at least. My mother’s eyes lit up like a lamp in a darkened room. She looked at me with excited disbelief. “Well!” She nearly jumped back with delight. “Would you like to come in for a drink?”

Oh, God. Oh, God, God, God! “He’s busy, mom,” I said. I stepped out of the car and put my arms around her. “Mom, we should really get started on the plants in the backyard,” I said. She loved tending to the garden in the backyard, so I hoped this would stop her.

“Hayden, what are you up to?” She practically shoved me off of her. “I think Leo might want to come inside for a drink.”

I could see the horrible image of the three of us at the table together. My mom would have laid on one invasive question after the next. She’d get to the bottom of this. She’d find out I was his bottom!

Oh, lord…

Leo laughed. His eyes darted toward me, taunting me, making me feel all sorts of new lows. “I wish I could,” he said, still staring at me. “But I should really get back to home. I’ve got some things I have to attend to at home.”

My mind went back to the our night at the Leather and Lace. I felt flush, so I took a step back to catch my breath and calm myself. My mother frowned and patted the top of Leo’s hand. “Shame. Next time, we should all get together. I have a lovely Arizona room in the back. It’s perfect for drinks and long conversations.”

“Mom. We should really go inside. Lots to do today,” I pleaded, one step short of falling to my knees and screaming to the heavens above for her to stop.

Leo smiled and nodded his head. “That sounds lovely,” he said. Then, turning to me, he let his smile drop. “If you clean out your closet tonight, let me know.”

Oof. That one hit hard. “I’ll be sure to do that,” I said. “Night, Leo.”

“Nighty-night.” Leo waved before driving to the end of the road. His license plate was clearly visible: Daddy69.

My mom was silent. The only thing she did was stare at me regally as if she was the queen of the castle. Did she know about Leo and I? Or was she blissfully unaware?

I felt like absolute shit. The last thing Leo said to me really fucked me up. For a good five minutes, I couldn’t even speak, let alone face my mom. I knew I would have to come out to my mom sooner, rather than later if I wanted a chance of her remaining in my life

“I’m bisexual, and I’m in love with one hulk of an alpha. He’s my daddy and we’re going to run off together and start a beautiful family. Is that okay, mother?” I ran the words in my head, over and over again. I just couldn’t manage to come out to her.

Mom grabbed the nearest paper and pretended to read the top headlines. Her cup of gin and ice soaked the centerfold. “Your friend is very nice,” she muttered.

“Leo is great,” I said. I love him. We’re going to move in together. I want cute babies with him.

My heart wouldn’t stop pounding against my chest. Every step toward my mom that I took, I felt weaker and weaker, like my body was giving up on me. I started to sweat, and my vision wouldn’t focus.

I could hear my dad’s words in my head. “My son is one of those gays?” I could hear the tinge of anger in his voice. He would have thrown me out in the street if he could have. But he couldn’t, and neither could my mom. I was the only one holding her up.

“You should bring him around more often. You never bring your friends over here,” she said. “You just leave me alone to fend for myself.”

“You’re sixty fucking years old,” I muttered under my breath. I made sure that she didn’t hear me.

“He’ll be over a lot,” I said. “I really like his company.”

My mom wasn’t even listening to me anymore. Her eyes were fixed on her gin, nearly empty. I wanted to scream the words, “I’m gay!” to see if she’d be able to comprehend the words.

“Mom, you want me to be happy, right?” I asked her.

She looked up at me with her naively angry expression, but she quickly looked back down at the paper. Even at sixty, she couldn’t be bothered to accept her past, so she buried it as deep as it could go. It came out as reluctance and anger.

“You can do whatever you want, Hayden,” she said.

I kept walking toward her. Finally, I put my arms around her and kissed her cheek. “I love you mom,” I said. My stomach twisted into knots as soon as my brain registered what was about to happen.

“Why are you acting so strange?” she asked.

“Because I’m in love,” I muttered.

She stopped reading the paper and finally looked at me. “Oh? Well, that’s very nice. Enjoy it while it lasts. Who is she?” she asked.

The words that I wanted to say were hanging on the edge of my pallet. I just needed one wave of courage to get them out. I couldn’t stand still, so I went to the bottle of gin and poured myself a glass. “Here,” I said, refilling her glass halfway.

“You’re trying to get me drunk,” she said. “Why?”

“I’m not trying to get you drunk. You’re already drunk, mom,” I said. She rolled her eyes and drank the contents of her glass slowly.

I took the biggest sip imaginable, nearly choking on the astringent liquid. I coughed and caught my breath, trying my hardest to figure out how I could tell her this without forcing her into a stroke.

“I’ve done everything I could to help you,” I said. “After dad died—”

“Don’t make me feel guilty, Hayden. It wasn’t my fault your father passed. Do not put that on me again,” she said, shaking in her seat.

“Mom, just listen to me. This is important,” I said.

She stood up. “I’m not going to listen to your lies,” she snarled.

I touched the top of her hand, similar to how Leo did earlier. She was shaking, and I think a part of her knew what was coming next. “I’m dating a man,” I said. The words just came out, suddenly not holding as much weight anymore.

“Stop fooling around,” she said. “You’ll give me a heart attack. Is that what you want, for me to end up in a hospital bed tonight?”

She wasn’t ever going to understand. It was at this point where I realized my life, my identity, and my path truth meant nothing to her. The quick-tempered side of me wanted to kick her out, but I knew I couldn’t do that. I’d give her a date to get her shit together, and then, I’d move in with Leo.

“Mom, I know you don’t care about me, but I need you to listen to me. I’m dating Leo, the guy you just met,” I said. “I’m moving in with him in two months. We’re going to start a family. I’m…” I straightened my back and looked her in the eye. “I’m an omega. I’m fertile.”

My mom stood in silence. I figured she would lash out and scream in defiance of her son’s decadent choices, but she didn’t do anything except stare through me. “Well, I just needed you to know. I don’t really give a damn if you don’t approve,” I said.

I turned around, calmly walked to my room, and shut the door quietly. I was over the childish games. In truth, I didn’t need someone as delusional as my mother to dictate my life. It was sad, but I wanted to start a real family, one that lifted each other up equally.

I don’t think my dad ever loved my mom. Maybe they once felt something real, but when they were alone in a room together, they said very few words. They never kissed with joy in their eyes, nor did they ever hold hands. They never went on dates outside of the living room, and I never heard my father compliment her when she wore her special makeup.

My mom used to be a different person, a loving person. She was that way to a fault. She tried her hardest to get my father to notice her. On the weekends, she’d doll herself up. She’d clean the whole house. She’d put on his favorite records, ushering my friends and me out of the house.

“Go to the mall. Have fun with your friend, and don’t come back until after ten!” she’d yell.

I used to see her spend hours, setting the mood for my dad, just to get him to notice her. When I’d get back home, she’d be bawling her eyes out, alone in the kitchen with a glass of gin in her hand. It was the same thing, year after year, after year.

Then, he died. My father never gave her what she asked for. She was, for all purposes necessary, an accessory to his successes. A prop. A lampshade. My mom felt like she had no more chances. The man she loved would always loom over her.

I sat on my bed with the blinds drawn halfway. It was mid-afternoon, but all I felt was tired. I heard my mom open the door, her agile footsteps shambling across the wood floor.

“Your father and I,” she stopped for a second, before finding the exact words to say. “He wouldn’t approve of this choice.”

I opened my eyes, but I didn’t look at her. “Dad was a bastard,” I said. “And I don’t care if he’d approve or not. He didn’t understand love. All he cared about was himself and his own mental torment he couldn’t face.”

“You didn’t know your father like I knew him,” she said.

I sat up and turned the lights on, finally staring at her hardened face. “I knew the man who raised me,” I said. “He was the same man he died as.”

My mother shifted. She wasn’t holding her glass of gin, so she propped herself against the wall. I couldn’t find the energy to tell her to sit down next to me. I didn’t feel close to her anymore. I felt like her caretaker.

“I don’t know what to say, Hayden,” she said, voice sounding more sincere than ever. “What can I do? Do you expect me to understand that you, my son of twenty-one years, is gay and having a child with that, that beast?”

“Bi,” I said.

“What?” she slid a foot to the left.

“I’m bisexual, but I’m in love with a man,” I said.

This was my truth and my experience, one that was wholly me. I needed to tell my own unique story and finally get it right.

“It’s hard for a mother to understand how their son could get so complicated,” she said, voice suddenly sounding very worn down and dry.

“We all get complicated, don’t we, mom? I was just thinking about how little attention dad gave to us. Was he not the most complicated man in the world?” I asked.

She laughed. I could tell she was trying not to get too emotional. She was a hard woman because if she softened up, she’d break down in front of the world. It would mean seeing the real her, bruised bits and all.

“He was,” she agreed.

“So who cares if I’m this way,” I said. “Why not accept it on the merit that I’m your son? I’m the one you’re supposed to accept and love, no matter what.”

“Because,” she burst out, crying very sudden and harsh. The sound cut like a dagger dipped in flames, piercing the center of my heart as soon as the audio resonated.

“I didn’t know you were an omega. Your own mother… how could a mother not know something like that?” Her hands clutched around her chest as she dropped her head to weep.

“Mom, it’s okay.” I tried to console her, but the tears wouldn’t stop crashing down against her, brutally unpacking the layers of her life before me.

“It’s not okay. None of this is okay!” she screamed. I grabbed her and held her, my sixty-year-old mother. Sixty years of hurt, all around. Giving and getting. Pain. Never forgetting what had happened to both of us, and how our roles changed and broke us. True fucking pain.

“I’m sorry for everything,” I whispered. “I’m sorry about dad. I’m sorry for what you went through. And I’m sorry that we could never be close, in the way it used to be.”

She tilted her head to face the ceiling. “I looked up to you, mom. I watched you every single day of my life. I thought to myself, ‘that woman is the best person in the world. The most loving person in the world.’ You used to love me. Where did all of that go?” I asked.

Her voice sounded weathered and torn, quite near to a whisper. “Life isn’t a friendly place, Hayden. I just… I used to feel a lot differently about the world. About the future,” she said. “Everything, one way or another, lets you down, son. Everything. It just builds you up until it breaks you. Once it breaks you, well… you only get so many chances to start again.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way,” I said. Or maybe it did. Who was I kidding, anyway? My parents’ generation barely understood “the gays.” Why did I expect her to understand my bisexuality?

She wiped the tears away from her eyes, drying her cheeks with the back of her hands. “So you...” She shook her head as if the idea had just fully formed inside her head. “You like men… and women…”

I nodded my head slowly, trying to keep the conversation civilized. “Yes, mom. Both genders. I like them both,” I said.

“But you’re with a man? And you want to start a family…” Her eyes wobbled toward the ceiling. Despair and exhaustion had seemed to overtake her, pulling her backward.

“I can’t say for certain, but I do love him,” I said.

“The world sure has changed a lot,” she whispered.

“There have always been alphas and omegas,” I said.

“Yes, but back then, they chose a side!” she exclaimed. “This… this doesn’t make any sense, Hayden. How is this possible?”

I sighed and nearly said “fuck it” to the whole thing. How was I supposed to tell my mom that I was sexually attracted to both sexes, and that biology had very little to do with my preferences?

“I don’t know, mom. Go talk to a doctor,” I said with exhaustion. “Look, all I want is your blessing. I want you to get over what happened. I want you to accept me for who I am. Lastly, I want you in our life.”

“You have my blessing,” she whispered.

But could she accept me? That was huge for me. “Can you be a part of our family?” I asked.

She sat in silence, the sunlight draping over her face. The fact that it took this long for her to respond to me made me wish I had never been born. “You jumped into this so fast. Why?” she asked. “Starting a family isn’t easy, Hayden. You’re so young.”

I glanced down at my flat stomach. I swallowed, feeling my mouth turn dry. “I didn’t say I wasn’t scared of my future,” I said.

“You should be. It’s hard raising a child. You’ll see. You can’t prepare yourself for these… surprises,” she said.

“That’s life,” I muttered. “Surprises. Change. Adaptation.”

“Now, you’re just speaking gibberish,” she said.

“Fine. Whatever,” I muttered, exhausted.

It didn’t matter what anyone else thought. I knew that I loved Leo. He wasn’t what my parents wanted for me, but this wasn’t their life. It was mine. I was going to be relentlessly myself.

My mother stood up, breathing calmly. She looked at me and pressed her lips together with worry. “If this is who you want to be, you have my blessing. It’s a shock. But I suppose I can live with it.”

“You suppose,” I whispered. “It’s been a long process of trying to figure out who I am. I hope someday you can love Leo like I love him, but if you can’t, at least be in our life.”

My mother hugged me. I couldn’t expect anything more from this conversation. She left the room, quietly shutting the door behind her.

Truthfully, I felt like I had been robbed of my energy, drained of my happiness, and blocked from celebrating something that was so right for me. In the silence of my room, I sat, keeping my pride intact.

My phone vibrated. I knew it was Leo, but I didn’t feel like going over there anymore. I didn’t feel like doing much of anything, really. I looked at his text. “Sorry for the last thing I said to you. It was wrong of me. I know you’ll come out when you deem it necessary.”

I dialed my fingers over the phone keyboard. “I told her,” I typed. The sent receipt flipped to a read receipt.

“Whoa. Seriously? Can I call you?” he asked.

“Sure,” I typed.

I answered the phone as soon as I heard the ring. “Hey,” I said.

“I’m so proud of you!” Leo exclaimed. I wished I could join in his excitement, but I couldn’t. I felt weird still, and I was sure it would always be like this now.

“I don’t know. Things feel off right now,” I said.

“You don’t seem too thrilled. What happened?” Leo asked.

“I don’t know. She took it better than some would, I guess. I got her to give me her blessing, but she can barely look at me,” I said.

“She’ll get over it in time,” Leo assured me. “Most do. They just have to find a way to wrap their heads around the idea. I’m surprised she didn’t see it coming. Most parents can spot an omega from a mile away.”

“My parents weren’t too focused on me,” I said.

“It’s their loss,” he said.

It was more than their loss. It was my loss too. “All I want is a connected family. Just for one fucking day, I’d like a family who could come together, despite their differences,” I said.

“I’m telling you. Give it time, Hayden. She’ll come through,” he said.

“Maybe. But I don’t know if she’ll ever fully accept it.” I asked.

Would she come over for holidays? Would she sit with us at the table, smile, and be present? What if we took it a step further? What if we had a child? Would she love him or her?

“She’ll get over it,” Leo said. “Eventually, she’ll learn how to integrate into the real world.”

Fat chance, I thought.

I calmed myself down and suddenly wished that Leo were here to rub his hand across my back. I felt nauseous and overwhelmed, and I felt like I had to go to sleep, despite the time of day.

“I love you, Leo. I just feel very fucked up right now. I don’t think I can come over tonight. I’m not in the mood to be around people,” I said.

I waited for him to say it back to me. I love you. It wasn’t hard for me to say it. When he was away, I wanted to be near him. When I had an idea, I wanted to share it with him. I trusted him.

But he never said the words back. Those words didn’t come as easy for him. But why?

“It’s okay. Take as much time as you need, my omega. I know it’s been hard for you… You wouldn’t believe how many omegas that have to go through this with their parents. Making the initial jump is the hardest part,” he said.

He kissed the receiver, but I suddenly felt needy and alone. “Get some rest. I’ll see you when you’re ready.”

Sure, but would he love me? Would my own mother love me? Fuck it.

I wouldn’t buckle in pain. After all, pain was just another word for change.