“Stay the fuck down, sissy-boy!” The voice shouted with pure malice and anger. The face, a haggard old man with a handlebar mustache. Saliva dripped form the loose hairs.

I knew exactly who the bastard was. It was a guy who used to frequent the clubs. He was straight, but he wasn’t willing to admit it. As soon as he saw me, he thought he might be tossed out of the closet. He lashed back with all the fury in the world.

Blood spattered against the concrete. My blood. The beast’s blood. I clenched my fist and attempted to stand, so I could get the hell out of this shithole. “I said, stay the fuck down!” The man’s face turned red.

I was lucky. Within a split second, I held my arms up to protect my face. The Billy club hit my forearm, but it still tapped against the side of my skull. I collapsed against the concrete.

I was going to die there, in the middle of a fucking rodeo bar. I couldn’t believe it. After everything I had gone through, I was going to die in the most loveless place in the whole fucking world.

I was gay. I deserved it. At least, everyone in that place thought I did. No one came to my aid, but they all sure could laugh loudly. If Patrick were here, he’d be laughing with them. I was there because of him, anyway.

So, as I laid on the concrete, bleeding out, I started to laugh too. “Only lookin’ for my baby,” I whispered. More blood came from my mouth.

The man with the bat stood over me. He stopped laughing and dropped the weapon onto my body. “Your baby?” His laughter echoed loudly. “Your baby ain’t here. Sick fuck,” he said.

“Okay,” I whispered.

“If he were, he’d be lying next to you,” he said. Then, for good measure, he spit on my body.

All of a sudden, my field of vision was empty. All I could see was Hayden. He was standing over me, eyes shining with goodness. He flashed a bright light onto my face and started laughing. His face turned into Patrick’s. He leaned in and whispered,

Look into my eyes…

“Jesus!” I shouted.

I woke up shaking against my pillow. Nightmares. All fucking night. I recoiled and quickly sat up. My back hit the bedpost, knocking a small welt onto my skin.

I strained my eyes against the light pouring through the window. It was later than I expected. “What the fuck is going on with me?” I asked aloud.

“Good. You’re up.” I flinched before Hayden peeked his head into the room. His cute little face was smiling as he whipped two eggs inside a bowl. Must be nice to be that cheery all of the time.

“Yeah. Finally. Ha,” I said, scratching the back of my head.

A submissive shouldn’t be in a position to find his daddy in a vulnerable state. I was revealing too much again, just like when I was with Patrick. Everything felt like it was going out of order. I kept wondering if we had already fucked this up. I thought I was smart enough to do better, but clearly, I wasn’t.

“You okay?” he asked. “I’m making more scrambled eggs. The other ones might be a little cold…”

“You didn’t have to make me breakfast,” I muttered. “I just haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

“Food always helps me feel better,” he said. Something was happening with me. My body was glistening with sweat, and I could barely focus on what he was saying. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Hayden said.

“I said I was fine, didn’t I?” I climbed out of bed, visibly shaken and disturbed.

I walked out of the room, trying to mask my confusion with anger. I was generally pretty good at doing playing the bad guy. All I had to do was avoided eye contact for long enough and stay silent.

I sat down at the table. The breakfast he made me was neat and proper, still sizzling below me. This had taken him some time to prepare, and some of the ingredients were just bought, so he had to go to a grocery store just to make it. Fuck me.

Hayden was sweet and entirely too patient. Giving, as well. There was no denying that. “Do you like it, sir?” he asked.

“You don’t have to call me sir, Hayden,” I said. He caused me to break a smile.

“I just want to make you happy, man,” he said.

I wiped my eyes to make sure I didn’t have any bullshit tears leftover from my dream. Hayden couldn’t see me vulnerable like that.

I turned around and waved him over. “You’re already killing it,” I said.

Slowly, he walked toward me, falling to his knees. “I feel like I’ve let you down. You don’t look pleased,” he said.

I remembered the pain of the Billy club hitting against my body. It fucking stung, but that wasn’t the worst of it. The images flashed, cut up and raw inside of my mind. I couldn’t put them together anymore.

“I’m okay,” I said. I took a deep breath and waved him up from the ground. “You don’t have to do that today. Let’s just take a break, okay? I need to rest today.”

Hayden looked confused. All he wanted to do was prove himself to me. I wasn’t just a part of his fantasy anymore. I had broken through another barrier. I was a man he genuinely wanted to understand and feel close to.

“I wish I knew what was going on. I feel like it must be whoever came over the other night. Everything became weird after that.” Hayden said.

Patrick. He was the source of all my discomfort. “It’s not him. Trust me,” I said.

“Then, what is it? Why are you acting so different?” Hayden asked.

Their laughing faces hurt the most. At first, I felt anger. That was the most natural and easy emotion to feel. I felt. Then, I felt betrayed. I felt let down. Alone. I felt like disappearing. They felt like giving me that opportunity.

How could they hurt someone for being different? All I ever tried to be was myself. In time, I learned to understand people who hurt others for sport. I understood the inner hatred, the desire to cease to exist.

As I felt the breeze waft inside through the open windows, I snapped out of my trance. I didn’t want anyone to suffer. I didn’t want Hayden to feel confused, but he didn’t know me. He couldn’t comprehend how fucked up I really was.

People referred to me as a beast for a reason. It wasn’t just because of my bold stature or massive cock. I created the name to give the homophobes a reason to fear us. After I was beaten down, I decided to fight back as hard as I could. No one touched me again after that night. Strangely, no one talked about the incident again.

I took Hayden into my arms and eased his perplexity by caressing his shoulders. This kid had no idea what gays had to go through back in the day. This place wasn’t New York City. It was Hicksville.

Early twenties, naïve, and cute… it was probably better that he hadn’t experienced the same shit as me. He wouldn’t have been able to take it. No human—alpha, omega, or beta—should have to go through hell just to be able to find out who they really are.

“I’m sorry,” I said, looking into Hayden’s blue eyes. He had such a calming effect on me. I wanted to maintain a certain aura, but I was already shedding a layer of myself for him.

None of this was normal for me. I didn’t know how to cope with my feelings, there was no denying that. I could try and run away. That usually worked until you bumped into them at a bar or, worse, the dark room.

“You can be honest with me. This is about trust, right?” Hayden asked.

“Yes,” I said.

Trust. That was a word I liked to throw around a lot. But was I ready to trust him?

We both ate our breakfasts as fast as we could. Hayden was silent, but I could feel his eyes scan my face. He wanted another “lesson,” but all I felt was exhaustion. In all honesty, I just wanted the place to myself.

I finished my eggs and forced a smile. “Thanks for breakfast,” I said.

“It’s no problem. I’m used to making breakfast in the morning for my—“ Hayden coughed and bit his lip. He walked toward the sink and set the plates inside. “Well, I’m glad you liked my cooking.”

“Does your mom like your cooking too?” I smiled, but Hayden didn’t think it was too funny.

“I know how it looks,” he said.

I stood up and put my hand out. I didn’t know how to behave around people. I’d always say the wrong things, and even when I had good intentions, my words came out too strong.

“Sorry. I wasn’t trying to poke fun. It’s not that big of a deal. You’re young. You won’t live with your parents forever,” I said.

“I don’t live with my mom all of the time,” he said.

I could feel the divide growing between us. The day started wrong, and I was sure it would end worse too. “I couldn’t care less,” I said. “It’s cute.”

“I let her stay with me because my father died,” Hayden suddenly said.

I awkwardly touched his shoulder, trying to connect with him, but we were still two strangers here. God, I was the fucking worst. Selfish. Angry.

I felt overwhelmed with remorse. I packed in so much resentment for my own past that it had become impossible to put myself in Hayden’s shoes.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“It’s fine. But I should probably get moving.” Hayden dropped his plastic cup of orange juice in the sink and walked past me. He was headed for the front door. Did I make him feel awkward? I always did that.

I couldn’t let him leave like this. Yesterday had been so good. “Wait,” I said. “Don’t go. I’m sorry for making you feel weird.”

He stopped in the narrow hallway, waiting for me to say another right thing. Suddenly, I remembered the end of my dream. Look into my eyes. Those were Hayden’s words, but they came from inside of me. I decided that I had to be honest.

“This morning… I had a weird fucking dream,” I said. “Actually, it’s been somewhat of a reoccurring nightmare.”

Hayden turned around because I was finally saying something real to him. I hated falling into the dynamics of any relationship. I hated feeling vulnerable, open, and exposed. It reeked of weakness, and it made me feel so small.

“What happened?” Hayden asked.

“Let’s go to the living room. I’ll pour us some wine,” I said.

“I don’t know… maybe we’ve gone too far with this,” Hayden said. “I mean, maybe this was just a fleeting fantasy for both of us.”

I took a step forward and carefully unbuttoned his shirt. He looked down, feeling ashamed of himself. When I smelled his fertility scent, I immediately thought of the night before.

My face was serious as I gazed into his eyes. “Sweet, kitten. This isn’t just a fantasy,” I said.

Hayden swallowed against the knot in his throat. He tried to mask his heavy breathing, but it was impossible to conceal. I was too alert for him to fool me.

Again, I wrapped my hand around his cheek, feeling his soft skin. I let all of the bullshit slip away. “I don’t know, Leo,” he said. “Do you really want this?”

“You’re so fucking cute,” I said.

“I am?” He didn’t believe me.

I pushed against him. His back hit my front door. “You are. It’s been driving me crazy, Hayden,” I whispered.

“What do you want to do to me?” he asked.

“Wrong things. Unspeakable and depraved acts. But I’m afraid you won’t be able to handle it,” I said.

Hayden’s eyes shifted. His tone changed within a few seconds. A sense of confidence poured into him, and like a good submissive kitten, he fell to his knees and started to pet the front of my shorts.

“I can handle whatever my master tells me I can,” Hayden said with an alluring smile.

His lips were breathtakingly cute and pouty. He had the exact aura of innocence you’d want to ruin. His ass was a treasure that would take some teasing open, but once I got him worked up enough, he’d take to me.

I clutched against the walls of the hallway as his hand moved back and forth. “What about the wine?” I asked.

“Screw the wine,” he said. Then, with a grin, his lips moved close to mine. He let out a whisper as soft as the breaking of waves, “Daddy…”

I smiled and pulled down my shorts. My cock came springing out into his small hands. “Fuck, I needed this,” I moaned.

His lips drew me in the more than anything. Those sweet, sensual lips that begged to be pushed open nearly sent me over the edge every time I saw him. I had been wondering for days how they’d feel wrapped around my shaft, and now, I was finally going to get my chance.

“You ever suck a cock before?” I asked him.

He shook his head and stared at the hard piece of flesh in his hands. It just wouldn’t stop growing for him, and from the look in his eyes, I could tell that worried him. “Daddy’s cock is the first cock,” he moaned.

I reached down and funneled my hand through his shirt, tugging on each nipple. He was hot. This was starting to turn dangerous. I was starting to feel for him. That was never supposed to be in the cards for us.

“I want you to be comfortable. If things get too rough, we should have a safe word,” I said.

His Adam’s apple caught against the rush of saliva in his throat. I admired his timidity more than I probably should have. That never lasted with any partners in the past, and it was a setup for disaster to strike in the future.

“Spicy pickle,” Hayden said with a quirky smile.

“Don’t kill my boner too fast,” I said.

“Okay, then. Boob,” Hayden said.

“Boob?” I stared down at him.

“If I’m yelling boob, you’ll know it’s a real situation,” Hayden said.

“Come here,” I said, taking his hand.

Together, we ran toward the white living room. I grabbed the leash and clasped it around his neck. In the center of the room was a metal circular prong that could be used to lock the strap.

I knelt down to his level and kissed his cheek. “Do you trust me?” I whispered.

His eyes darted from the prong to my lips. What was he thinking? I wondered. Hayden eventually nodded, “Yes. I trust you.”

I wanted to tell him that I trusted him too, but the truth was that I didn’t. I didn’t trust anybody. Everyone changes in the end. Even me.

The relationship between a daddy and his boy was something sacred. Once we really started, I wouldn’t break that for anything in the world.

“Good,” I said. “I won’t hurt you. You hear me? I promise you.”

The worry soon faded. In a way, he reminded me of myself when I was his age. The quick trust was there. The willingness to learn and give into something finally real…

Dammit. He was just like me, down to the firmness in his fucking cock. The only difference was that this guy was an omega. No matter his orientation, he would always be an omega. I felt the urge to protect him.

He didn’t respond to what I said. He merely nodded and held his breath. I locked his leash to the floor. His breathing intensified.

Draping his hand across his back, I kissed each corner of his shoulder blade to calm him down. Eventually, his breathing slowed down a little bit.

“You okay?” I asked. “We don’t have to do this.”

I felt weird too. Something was creeping inside of me, causing me to feel lightheaded. I blinked my eyes rapidly, squashed the feeling down, and turned to my strong side, the character I had built so long ago.

A short chuckle came from his mouth. Hayden raised his head and straightened out his body. “Call me a slut,” he whispered, breathless now.

Finally, I thought to myself. Hayden was learning how to open up. I caressed the back of his head and pushed him forward. “Suck it, slut,” I commanded.

Hayden’s cock perked up into the air. He took me in his pretty mouth, lips barely able to fit around my girth. Everything about him was so inexperienced, and that just made me want him more.

Hayden’s feet curled under his butt as he sat against his knees. With a proud look in his eyes, he released every inch and swiftly moved his hands across his lips until no saliva remained.

It felt fucking incredible. “Pull my hair,” he whispered. “Please, daddy.”

I clasped my hands through his hair, dragging close to the root. I pulled back. Just as he was about to wrap those sexy lips around my cock, I staggered backward.

“What’s wrong?” Hayden asked.

“Wait,” I muttered. I closed my eyes tightly. Everything suddenly felt very strange. I felt lightheaded again, but it quickly went away. That’s when I realized. My fucking pills. It had been two days since I took them.

Don’t freak out, I thought to myself. You can’t let him see you like this. Weak. Pathetic. Do what you told Hayden to do. Just breathe. It’ll pass if you just fucking breathe!

I wasn’t like other people. It was hard to admit it to anyone. I hadn’t even found a fucking way to let myself know it was okay to be like this, okay to be different.

I had an illness. It was something I had to think about on a daily basis. As I clutched against the wall, I desperately wished Hayden would leave.

“I’m sorry,” I said, stumbling backward.

My vision suddenly turned hazy. It only happened for a brief second. I knew it would pass because I had been through this shit before. Hayden was here, and I was supposed to be strong for him.

I hated myself for giving in to my weakness, hated myself for losing control like this. I didn’t deserve to be loved. Fuck it all—I didn’t deserve Hayden.

The feeling lingered and grew stronger by the second. I couldn’t stop it from pulling me into the strange darkness. I collapsed to the floor. I could only imagine what I looked like, strewn, naked and afraid on the marble tile.

I was an idiot to bring someone into my life again. A complete fucking moron. I knew the consequences. No one could love a beast like me.

“Please leave,” I whispered.

Hayden had already grabbed the key from my hands. He unlatched his leash and ran to my aid. I felt his helping hands lift me up from the floor, placing me on his chest. He threw his arms around me and whispered, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here.”

I couldn’t take feeling helpless. I was like a wounded animal caught in a fox trap. I clenched my eyes closed and tried to wait the feeling out.

Patrick once asked me what it felt like to spiral so out of control like that. I told him it felt like my head was a balloon, filling up until it couldn’t take any more air. There was nowhere to go but up, but I knew that meant one thing: I’d crash down harder than a jet engine.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked him.

I was a wreck, and it was only going to get worse from here. I felt the low rumbling sensation of anger form inside of my stomach. I wasn’t angry with Hayden. I was furious with myself because I thought I had this under control.

I snapped. “You have to leave. Now!”

But the one thing Hayden didn’t do was leave. Or answer. Or give me the time of day to be a complete dickhead. He remained calm and picked me back up onto my feet.

I stumbled, but he balanced my large body, leading me toward my room. Like an angel, he gently lowered my body onto the bed. He pulled the covers over my chest and smiled as he ran his palm across my rough hair.

“You’re going to be okay,” he whispered.

I looked away, toward the bathroom where my pills were. I’d have to wait until Hayden left the room to get them. I didn’t want him knowing any more than he already did.

“I’ll get you some water,” Hayden remarked. “And a cold towel for your head.”

As he hurried away, I stumbled toward the bathroom. I quickly grabbed my pills and swallowed them down with one swift flick of the wrist. I took the pill bottle with me, stuffing it carefully under my mattress.

“Here we go,” he said, holding both the glass of water and wet towel.

“Thank you,” I said.

For minutes, Hayden sat on the edge of the bed, blotting the towel against my forehead like I was a dying patient in the sick ward. I felt the pills start to do their job.

The day was tainted now. I looked like the weakest alpha in the world, and Hayden was just making things worse.

“You don’t have to feel embarrassed,” Hayden said. “My mom gets panic attacks all of the time.”

“I don’t feel embarrassed. And It wasn’t a panic attack,” I said. It was something much deeper, rooted in the past I had blocked out until today.

“Then, what was it?” Hayden asked.

I groaned. “Please leave the room,” I whispered. “You can stay in the other room, but just leave me alone.”

“Leo, I want to help—” Kicking him out was the only way I could bury my shame. I cut him off from speaking, clutching against his hand.

“There’s no helping a guy like me,” he said.

For a few days, I thought I could hide who I was from him, but it was becoming apparent that I was the horrible character I had made up years ago. The beast, or whatever the fuck people wanted to call me.

Hayden was young and optimistic. He believed that everyone could be whatever they wanted to be. He’d learn. A man could never erase his past as shitty as mine.

Hayden’s smile was barely present, and I could tell he was rife with indecision. “Leo, please.” A whisper. A whimper. Silence.

“Get the hell out of my room, kid,” I said, turning onto my side.

I was horrible, I was abject misery, I was a shining example of moral leprosy, a mixture of ferocity and serenity that could only produce supreme misery. Run. Run for your life.

I heard his quiet footsteps thump toward the door until the door audibly closed, and they finally disappeared altogether. I sat up on my bed, feeling absolutely terrible. Why did I always lash out at those who cared for me?

I didn’t even know Hayden, but I knew that I cared for him more than anyone I had met in years. He was another version of myself, and I wanted to lift him up. So why the fuck was I bringing him down?

“Hayden!” I bellowed. Pathetic. I was pathetic as hell.

I stumbled onto my feet, flinging my bedroom door open. “Hayden!”

I ran toward his room, but the lights were off, and the bed was empty. “Fuck,” I muttered. “Hayden!”

When I got to the door, I stopped. His bag was gone. There was a short note sitting on the counter.

It read: “Rule number three: You are a dick. Peace out, Leo.”